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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did you have children?

148 replies

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 12:46

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know Smile

OP posts:
Cam2020 · 26/12/2020 17:32

Totally agree with PP - no one should feel that having children is l a rite of passage - they're people, not 'family goals' or an achievement. I've seen a few people who view parenthood as the next thing to check off their list and it can really backfire. Live the life you wish to live.

LookMoreCloselier · 26/12/2020 17:33

Neither of my children were exactly planned at the time, we were just not that careful! But I knew I wanted children anyway even from being teenage. Just had a very deep urge to have them.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 26/12/2020 17:34

I love babies. I would have had twenty if I hadn't thought about the four I already had and realised they needed a Mum to spend time with them, rather than be always feeding and looking after a baby.

Winterwoollies · 26/12/2020 17:34

Got my dates wrong.

Hadalifeonce · 26/12/2020 17:36

DH wanted one.

I didn't want an only child so we had a second.

PotofPorridge · 26/12/2020 17:39

My eldest was unplanned, I was very young and considered my options but I knew I couldn’t go through with termination/adoption.
My second was also unplanned, I had a stomach bug and my pill didn’t work correctly.
We waited a while to have our third, that was just biological urge really.
They all have the same dad, but our relationship broke down earlier this year and he isn’t involved anymore. It’s very difficult, but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
But I always wanted children, I don’t think I’d have coped if I didn’t want children

Imapotato · 26/12/2020 17:42

Accidentally fell pregnant at 18 with dd1. Best thing that ever happened to me. I loved being a mum and breezed through the baby stages enjoying every second. I wanted dd1 to have a sibling and frankly I really wanted to do it all over again, so had dd2 at 22.

That’s it though, I’m done. I’ve enjoyed every stage of their childhoods. I also love the fact that I now have teenagers in my mid 30’s and my youngest will be 18 when I’m 40! I’m really enjoying the teenage years with the dds. It’s actually like living with slightly temperamental friends Grin.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 26/12/2020 17:55

Complacency, 37 years old , endometriosis and a dp that was told he was sterile after medical treatment. I ran out of the pill and was a busy busy career woman that dodnt have time to sort it out. With all those factors I told myself " what are the chances"
The chances Dear Reader turned out to be pretty high ! After a rocky start I'm very happy and love ds so much, but never had the urge either before or since.

Meowchickameowmeow · 26/12/2020 17:55

@FrostyChocolateMilkshake

So many honest opinions and interesting experiences on here. I am not broody, I'm not the maternal type. But I want children because I feel I'd miss out on having a family of my own. It's a mental tug of war sometimes.
What do you think you'd miss out on though?
NebbiaZanzare · 26/12/2020 18:06

Because about 21 years ago the supermarket had run out of our favourite wine in the normal bottle size and only had the big supersized ones in stock. It was a Friday night on what had been a long, hard week for both of us and... we drank all of it.

The Chinati Baby is our only child. I've been teetotal since I found out I was pregnant with him.

I8toys · 26/12/2020 18:08

I got to 30 and thought why not. Been with husband since I was 21, married for 6 years and settled down. It was the best decision I've ever made. I wasn't maternal at all but as soon as I was pregnant I changed into a different person. I adore my 2 boys.

StylishMummy · 26/12/2020 18:44

I've always felt an affinity to 'family life', marriage, 2.7 kids and a dog. I met DH and we both wanted the same thing and our world revolves around the DC but in a great way. We're a team and they absolutely complete us, BUT we are equal participants in parenting, housework and earning the money. So it doesn't feel like I'm doing the lions share of the work

Mother2princess · 26/12/2020 18:54

I had them because me and my partner wanted children we have 5 and I would have more but mine are small and I want to spend time with them and give them the best I can

Original poster
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 18:58

@Meowchickameowmeow just everything that comes with a family really! Days out, Christmases, bath times and tucking the children into bed...

(Although I realise I am probably romantising parenthood there!)

OP posts:
Littleyell · 26/12/2020 19:03

People ask you that question OP based on assumption.

It’s like if you fall pregnant nobody says to the dad when are you going on paternity leave? How long are you planning to have off?

It’s assumed this with be the women’s role. In society it is the woman’s role the majority of the time.

Fressia123 · 26/12/2020 19:06

Because I love my DP and wanted a little someone who would be equally his and mine.

unmarkedbythat · 26/12/2020 19:08

Deliberately haven't RTFT.

I was madly in love and wanted to create a baby with him. I didn't pause to think too much about it. The second, because we both wanted more than one. The third, because I did not want to terminate once we knew he existed. There won't be a fourth, I do not want to be pregnant, give birth or care for a baby ever again. I've never examined the urge to have babies that deeply, I don't actually care why I wanted to. We just did want to.

whenwewereyoung10 · 26/12/2020 19:14

Fell pregnant by accident when I was 20, didn't know what I was going to do. She's 7 now and I'm so so so thankful I had her, she has made my whole life.

Always said I'd not have anymore but recently I've started to get this overwhelming motherly urge to nurture a new baby and watch them grow which was never there in my early 20s. It panics me a bit as I'm single and have PCOS and am 28 but I suppose we never know what is around the corner.

NuniaBeeswax · 26/12/2020 19:17

"Nobody's said "to look after me when I'm old" even though childless people get asked this a lot - who's going to look after you when you're old?"

That's my problem to worry about and not the burden of some hypothetical child I'd do a shit job of raising because I never wanted them in the first place 🤷‍♀️

Unfairestofthemall · 26/12/2020 19:55

I always said if I fell pregnant accidentally I was keeping it. That happened 6 months in with DH and we've since had a second. I always wanted kids, I don't know why but I've always loved babies and toddlers. Granted I had a very rose tinted view but I'm almost 7 years into this parenting thing and I'm enjoying it. I want a third but DH wanted to stop at 2 so I think we're done.

Original poster
FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 26/12/2020 19:57

@NuniaBeeswax

"Nobody's said "to look after me when I'm old" even though childless people get asked this a lot - who's going to look after you when you're old?"

That's my problem to worry about and not the burden of some hypothetical child I'd do a shit job of raising because I never wanted them in the first place 🤷‍♀️

Very true! I get told this a lot
OP posts:
LyndzB · 26/12/2020 20:04

Was always on the fence. Then I got ill. Ended up in hospital for quite some time and kind of realised that even though I love my husband my work and my family, I wanted something more. Just a personal things for me really. Best decision I've ever made.

pipnchops · 26/12/2020 20:11

My reasons: I loved being a child, I love children, I love my DH and wanted to share this experience with him, he felt the same. It wasn't until we were in our early 30s that the urge really kicked in and by then I'd done loads of the things I wanted to; studied, travelled, worked my way a little bit up a couple of career ladders, partying... and to be honest it was all starting to bore me, life was getting a bit samey, nothing was really exciting me anymore. Having children seemed like the next adverture I wanted to go on. It took a while to conceive once we'd decided to, which made me want it even more by the time it happened. Has it lived up to my expectations? Yes and no. Like everything else I've done so far in my life, the idea is totally different to the reality. It's been the single most challenging and hardest thing I've ever done. Children, when you're with them 24/7, are more intense and exhausting than I could have ever imagined before I had them! It's a huge responsibility and quite overwhelming when I sit and really think about it. I constantly worry about the kind of world I've brought them into. But on balance, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Notadramallama · 26/12/2020 20:17

I find it interesting that many people's answer is simply because they wanted one.

I have been asked many times why I don't have children and the answer I give, that I just don't want them, is rarely accepted. People like to tell me what I'm missing out on and why I'll regret it, which pretty much never happens to parents in reverse.

Before anyone says they don't believe it, yes, this actually happens to childfree people.

ThornAmongstRoses · 26/12/2020 20:23

I have been asked many times why I don't have children and the answer I give, that I just don't want them, is rarely accepted. People like to tell me what I'm missing out on and why I'll regret it, which pretty much never happens to parents in reverse.

Completely agree.

I have children and love them dearly, but sometimes I get jealous of the lives my child-free friends get to live. If I had my time again I often think I would choose the route of being child free because to me, it seems to have some nice benefits.