Why did you have children?

[FrostyChocolateMilkshake]

Was having a drink with a friend on Christmas Eve (via the glory that is Zoom) and topic quickly turned to babies, relationships etc.

My friend is single, I am married with no children (currently due to choice). My friend and I are both in our early thirties. We frequently both get asked when we are planning on having kids, why don't we have them yet and so forth. In my wine-fuelled state, I pointed out to my friend that people with children are never asked WHY them have them. For example, you wouldn't speak to a friend with a child and ask them WHY they chose to have a child, but they could ask you WHY you don't have one.

So...hopefully I am not being unreasonable to ask, and obviously with this being Mumsnet I assume most users on here have or are planning to have children - why did you have children?

This thread is in good nature by the way- it is not intended to pit childless people and people with children against each other! I am simply curious to know

@PussyMalanga

I got to age 38 and had a mad, obsessive biological urge, after being pretty certain I didn't want them before.

I'm wondering if this will happen to me. I'm currently 36 and have zero interest in having any. Never had an urge for even a second.

I've always wanted children. Even when I was 16 I used to talk to my boyfriend about wanting kids (to his dismay!). I don't know why exactly - I just always saw it as part of my future.

I had always wanted children, I grew up in a large extended family with lots of children and most of the time it was fun.

We didn't have children until our 30s as we wanted to travel first. We had a plan B which involved emigrating and living a simple life if we were infertile as I didn't want to go through fertility treatment as it seemed intense. We were fortunate that I got pregnant quickly and we have two great kids. The early years were tough but I wouldn't change it for a thing. I love having a family, watching them grow. I hope that I will be fortunate enough to have a good relationship with them when they are older and maybe experience being a grandmother one day.

I'm really not particularly maternal and never was, so having a child just for having a child was definitely not a reason.

But when I met and married a man I liked as well as being in love with I hoped to have a son who was like my then-husband. Really that simple. It wasn't until I was pregnant that he let slip he was hoping it would be a girl who was like me!

Because I thought I had far too much free time and far too much money........... I was wrong.

Because exH wanted DC and I was not bothered either way. He used to go on about how it was always his dream to have a large family.

Needless to say he was utterly useless as a parent and started having affairs when DC1 was a tiny baby - he could not cope with not being the centre of attention and the idea of putting someone else's needs before his own wants was impossible for him.

My life would have been so much easier without having DC but I love them and have tried very hard to be a decent parent although my DD would query that.

A big life experience that I hadn't had yet. In my early 30s wasn't interested either. There's no doubt you can reach a "now or never" point. Being with a man I got on well with who I knew wanted children was a big factor. I wasn't really sure I wanted them until I got my first negative pg test and was really disappointed.
Other people told me you fell in love with your dc and I wanted to experience that. They were right, of course.

Ambivalent curiosity after a happily childfree adult life till the age of 39. I assumed my body would be equally ambivalent, but it got behind the project whole-heartedly and I conceived the first time we had unprotected sex.

My wife wanted them. They are good kids and I love them with all my heart, but at the time I was ambivalent.

Because I love children, wanted my own child to love and nurture and wanted to create a child who would come from myself and dh.

I decided I got too much sleep and had too much free time and money on my hands

All unplanned despite using contraception and having endometriosis/fibroids/other gynae issues.

My husband really wanted one.

@Gonkytok Yes, how I felt/feel too. Our ds means the absolute world to us and before he was here, it was like I "knew" him. We love him so much.

Because I wanted to be a Mum, and to do 'Mum' things like walk them to school, see them in a nativity, go to the zoo. I couldn't imagine old age without ever having been a parent.

Me and DH knew each other before we got together we didn’t have an affair but we did leave my marriage and his long term relationship to be together. As my husband wouldn’t give me an easy divorce and we still had a mortgage together 6 months into our relationship (we rented a house together within a month of getting together, lived together at his mum’s from our first date) we couldn’t do anything big like buy a house or get married so we had a baby. we had a mega party lifestyle, out every night so I didn’t think for one minute it would happen quickly. I got pregnant with DD the first bloody month I came off the pill!! We had DS as we didn’t want her to be an only child, we talked about trying summer 2010, Xmas 2009 I had antibiotics for a chest infection and was already pregnant during this conversation. They are 11 and 13 now and the very very best thing I ever did. I was never maternal and we had absolutely zero experience of babies between us but being a mum is absolutely amazing. I will always regret not having a third.

I got pregnant the first time I had sex and couldn't go through with an abortion, I was 20, I raised that child on my own and never met anyone decent enough or a good enough role model to have more children with.

Because what else is there? When you've holidayed where you want, eaten in the fancy restaurants, had the lie ins and lazy days, had the career? No one ever had "good employee" on their headstone. I felt what was the point in making all those memories if you had no one to share it with/interested in listening to them? If you're aren't going to be remembered for some great act in the history books all you've got is your DNA to leave future generations. I didn't want us to be a full stop on a family tree one day

Maybe being Jewish has had an effect too. A feeling deep down that I wanted a part of me and DH to carry on after we've gone.

I wanted a family of my own. I married the first person who would have me when I was 21 after a very lonely childhood abs youth (I had no friends, started work at 16 in an office all on my own and then did temp work on my own).

Ds is wonderful. He's 18 and I now have two more younger children. Best decision I ever made even though it was out of lonliness and sadness.

*because I Felt "what is there"

Posted too soon - I've had a wonderful life with my kids. I didn't have the experience of being young and travelling with friends but I've done that all with my kids. Backpacking, exploring the word. So I didn't miss out in the end.

It's something my DH and I spoke about many times sometimes I wanted to other times I didn't want to give up our lifestyle of multiple holidays, skiing etc

Then my FIL got cancer, it became really important to my DH and I never had grandfather's so wished for a future child to know this so we had our son. My FIL went through with very tough stem cell chemo because he knew we were expecting before this he had basically given up.

I'm still not massively maternal, I love my son but struggle with zero breaks but my DH makes up for me ten times over!

I had an accident in my early 20’s and had to have an ovary removed so knew it would be hard.
Met my now husband and lived together for 8 years and then started trying after marriage.
I couldn’t get pregnant and got told chances with ivf would be only 20% or less so we kind of gave in to not going ahead and had a few years of adult only all inc holidays.
Then watching tv one night watched a programme about adoption and that was it ! We wanted to do it and did lots of reading up before spending over a year being approved for siblings.
They came home 4 years ago and it is the best thing we ever did. They are amazing.

I think I always wanted children, maybe a couple I didn’t really think much about it till I was unwell at 17 and after investigations was told it was unlikely I’d ever have children and I’d need ivf etc. So suddenly it was on my mind and I was upset I might not.
Anyway, when I met my first bf a year later I wasn’t careful at all and guess what .... got pregnant.
Marched off to gp by dm and then dragged finally for a second trimester termination. Horrific and gave me ptsd.
So then my reason to have children seemed intensified
Now I have far too many but I love them so much and I’m happy. It’s hard though I wouldn’t change it for the world but our large family was driven by trauma initially.
It’s lovely now but there will always be one missing

I didn’t have children, didn’t want any, then at the age of 39 suddenly started to wonder if I would miss out on an amazing life experience by not having a child. Around the same time I was made redundant from a job I loved and suddenly found myself thinking What have I got in life?

So....DC1 was planned, DC2 was a pleasant surprise and DC3 was one hell of a shock! 😊