To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

@PurpleDaisies

It's about never giving up and being there for the long haul.

This is so unhelpful. None of you had to give up because you were all successful. At some point, those of us that aren’t have to move on, devastating though that is.

Thank you PurpleDaisies for saying this. That was one of the most insensitive posts ever. Seriously, so after a decade of trying, 6 miscarriages, and so much heartache and pain, the reason DH and I haven't been 'successful' is, what? That we gave up? Weren't in it for the long haul? Or maybe just couldn't go on living with endless painful hopeless trying, so had no choice but to move on and make the best of our lot in life, much as it isn't what we'd yearned for. I actually can't believe someone posted that. How fucking cruel.

I think you should be congratulated. I'm sure when they are successful they would expect it also.

However one thing I don't agree with is, announcements at 12 weeks, I mean no time in pregnancy is truly safe. I had all my losses in second trimester. (16 weeks, 21 weeks, 24 weeks)

And obviously they aren't going to be as excited for your baby as you and your immediate family will be, no matter the struggle, honestly it's life, that's why I don't talk about my pregnancy because frankly it doesn't interest anyone.

But at the same time, I can see why it would annoy you if no1 said congrats etc, but maybe ease of the hinting about pregnancy woes around them. .

But congrats! And happy 9 months, I hope everything goes truly well

@gypsywater

Lol at infertility being compared to being single

I can compare it to something else..my parents are dead but I am perfectly able to have a conversation about my friends parents and ask how they are. If I saw my friend in the street with her mother, I wouldn't ignore them.

And besides being long term single and lonely is pretty miserable I'd imagine...I think it's easily comparable with infertility.

Also in response to the comments that I am insensitive and lack empathy, I would like to reiterate that they asked the morning they knew I was testing and I told them I was pregnant. I actually didn't get a congratulations, which is fine because it was very early and I was very nervous about it sticking (i still am!). I haven't mentioned my pregnancy to them since then at all, bar the mince pie thing.

I think it's the most crass of comparisons

It's good you've clarified about the symptoms OP! Your OP made it seem like speaking about symptoms was happening on the regular! Congratulations on your pregnancy, it must have been a huge slog to get where you are. Hopefully your friends will have their babies too and then everything will be easier in your friendships again.

@dancingqueen34 tbh I think it is quite rude of them to never say congrats when they asked you, yanbu

@gypsywater

I think it's the most crass of comparisons

Why? Finding a partner is for most of us a fundamental part of life. Not having one and wanting one would be incredibly emotionally painful and massively impact our lives. My friend has been single for twenty years plus and would love to meet someone. She still goes out with our group of friends who are all coupled up. It must be really hard for her I'd imagine. I don't think the comparison with infertility is unreasonable.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Sadly it is one of those things that creates divisions in friendship groups due to very valid feelings on both sides.

I'm pregnant too (10 weeks) after multiple miscarriages and the time is coming where I will have to tell my good friend who is going through IVF soon. I can't bear to do it, I've been there - when a friend becomes pregnant and it feels like they've changed somehow and left you behind. Of course I'm just as much her friend as I ever was, and I'm still exactly the same (won't be wittering on about symptoms etc as this is my second pregnancy) but yes it is going to be different. It's a bit rubbish.

@formerbabe

I was long term single before I met my now husband. Lots of people did get engaged and married and yes, I did feel lonely and left behind, but no, it is nothing like the fertility problems I’m experiencing at the moment. This is so much harder.

You have chosen a very bad comparison.

@formerbabe

Yanbu.

I don't know why on these boards so many people think it's fine to ignore people, be disinterested, not offer congratulations because they are suffering from infertility.

Why does it get a free pass when other things don't? It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single.

I don't do any of those things. I stuff my pain down, ask about pregnancies, sympathise about pregnancy symptoms, give genuine congratulations, listen to plenty of pregnancy talk. Then sob my heart out when I'm alone. I can manage this now as I've had a few years to accept that I'll never have children.

I'm genuinely happy for any of my friends or family members when they are pregnant. However can you really not understand why some people find it difficult? The pregnant family and friends have the thing that we want more than anything else in the world. They have presumably got other people to be happy and excited for them. Why do they need those of us who can't have what they have to celebrate them too? Sometimes it's just too difficult and painful.

Second pregnancy (hopefully) resulting in a baby I should clarify. Sixth pregnancy overall but lost them all before 8 weeks so very few people knew.

Congratulations OP I have to say though, I'm amazed that this would surprise you, or that you wouldn't understand why. Of course things were going to change - you're one of the lucky pregnant ones now. You can't have forgotten what that was like in the space of a few short weeks?

Infertility has often involved numerous deaths/bereavement along the way....for starters....

It’s very difficult for them, especially if they’ve had several cycles already, just as I’m sure you would find it very difficult if it were them and not you. I had a friend who had multiple failed rounds of IVF and would get so angry when people complained about pregnancy symptoms since she would do anything to experience them - when she did get pregnant she had a really rough time and of course wanted to commiserate with people herself, but it’s very easy to think of pregnancy in an idealised way when you’re so desperate to be pregnant. They need some time, they are currently feeling like it’s very unfair even if they are happy for you, they are sad for themselves. They may come round (more likely if they conceive themselves) or they may not. It’s not personal.

I had a lot of friends with fertility problems as I have endometriosis and have made lots of friends through the years. When I got pregnant I told them individually via message so they didn’t have to worry about their reaction and made it clear I didn’t need them to respond, that I totally understood that this might be upsetting for them, and I would be happy to not discuss it with them at all or share posts they could see if it would be too difficult. But I knew these women very well and I knew they would struggle at least at first as we’d had many conversations when others had announced pregnancies about how hard it was.

And fuck me formerbabe you really know how to slap people in the face online. There is absolutely no comparison, none. Infertility and childlessness is like nothing else.

It's completely understandable that your relieved, happy to be pregnant after struggles. Your friends are not in the same place and are hurting whilst still going through the anxiety you will know only too well.

It's not you being pregnant it's the fact that they are not. As you have said give them space and let them come around. You have a very long way to go and hopefully you will have your bundle of joy in the near future.

Having friends with repeat missed miscarriages, late miscarriages etc I don't do pregnancy announcements or even any photos of me with a bump. I explain to friends individually and become acutely aware of being sensitive.

InsideOfEmptiness, you and I have had nearly identical journeys I think. Please try ignore the goady fuckers who obviously have no idea what its like to miscarry over and over again and have nothing at the end of it. Air hugs across the Internet from a total stranger

Congratulations OP, YANBU to want your friends to be interested in your pregnancy, but the reality is that non pregnant people rarely are. I had my dc relatively easily and still wouldn't be checking in regularly to ask a pregnant friend how their symptoms were. You need to join the pregnancy board on here.

I don't think the comparison with infertility is unreasonable

It's a moronic comparison.

Moronic and attention seeking

I don't know why on these boards so many people think it's fine to ignore people, be disinterested, not offer congratulations because they are suffering from infertility.

I've never suffered from infertility but I'm a nice person so I would rather not get a congratulations message from a friend who was suffering than hurt her feelings by forcing her to pretend to delight in it.

This isn't directed to OP who sounds kind and caring but some people do think their pregnancy is a lot more exciting to the wider world than it is. You really don't need the whole world to celebrate with you especially people who are going through genuine pain. Don't be so narcisstic - celebrate with your partner and close family and friends. Why on earth would want to cause someone so much distress just so you can be the centre of attention?

OP I do feel sorry for you. You came here genuinely asking if you were being unreasonable, and accepted when people said you were. I don't know what more can be expected of a person. If you knew the answer already you wouldn't have bothered asking.

I am pregnant and have lost three pregnancies before this one. What I have learned about support networks is that I need them to be very situation-specific. As I've had multiple miscarriages I can't relate to women who have only had one miscarriage - been there, had my dreams trampled, got the t shirt, resent their starry-eyed faith that the next one will be their rainbow. I suspect it is the same for IVF. The moment you are successful on the first round, the people who weren't successful are in a different world to you. Try and find a group for women who are pregnant after IVF - you may find some really valuable support from women who will have experienced exactly what you are describing with your friends.

Congratulations!!

You've done nothing wrong and the fact that you've also waited a while to become pregnant means that you should enjoy and celebrate this exciting time!
Have you got other friends who aren't going through ivf who will be happy for you? If so, would it be better to share the pregnancy chat with them? Or family members? Check in on your friends but if your pregnancy is causing them to feel envious l, which is natural, until it happens to them , which I have everything crossed it will, I don't think they will ever be 100% supportive. They probably don't have the capacity as their own infertility will be all they can focus on.

Reach out to other people and share your experience with them, this is a magical time for you and you deserve to enjoy it. Your friends will come round and hopefully it won't be long until they get positive news too and you can bond again over that

Also, we don't think "its fine" to ignore people or detach. We lose relationships and friendships and precious connections and moments with families and friends. These are part of the loss and heartbreak that infertility causes. None of it is "fine".

But the alternative is sobbing or bleeding-out emotionally in front of others when it should be their happy time instead. When infertile women vanish, its partly to protect the people they care about.