To expect IVF friends to be happy about my BFP

[dancingqueen34]

My partner and I have been having fertility treatment for almost 18 months). I've had some health struggles but I got pregnant on my first round of IVF and am now 9 weeks.

The problem is: we're friends with two other couples who are also having fertility treatment (what are the chances!). This seemed to be a great support when we were going through it, but now I'm pregnant the dynamic has changed and I feel really alone and upset.

They never ask how I am or how I'm feeling. If I was to mention feeling sick etc they would ignore it. I feel like I constantly check in on how they are with the expectation they will return it and they just don't. It feels like they were only there for the bad times.

I understand it's hard but I don't want to spend the next 8 months feeling like I've done something wrong because I've got pregnant first. I'm also worried about how I can announce my pregnancy to other friends at 12 weeks without looking like I'm rubbing it in. They're close friends and I would hate to lose them but their inability to acknowledge our pregnancy is making me miserable and I don't know if I can go on like this.

AIBU?

@dancingqueen34

Not that I should have to justify myself, but there seems to be an insinuation that because I got pregnant on my first round of IVF I haven't suffered enough to understand infertility. This is insulting and unkind. I have severe PCOS and had three cancelled rounds for various reasons, so this is the only one that actually made it to egg collection. I was hospitalised with OHSS after and have had a really shit time of it, to be honest.

I am also not planning a grand announcement or some gender reveal nonsense - merely saying that I'm going to be telling mutual friends at 12 weeks because I am thrilled to be expecting after what (for us!!!) has been a long and difficult struggle.

To the poster who suggested I keep these friends close incase I lose the baby - that was a really nasty thing to say.

That was me and i am sorry you feel it was nasty.

I have been through 7 pregnancies and only have two children i was only trying clumsily to reply to the posters who seemed to think you should just forget these friends now you got pregnant.

I really hope that you have a successful pregnancy and enjoy the wonder of becoming a mother.

Well I hope my pregnant friend (having 2nd baby) who knows we both started trying for our first at the same time and I’ve had 2 miscarriages and no children doesn’t feel like you. I almost never ask about her pregnancy and she doesn’t bring it up either. We talk about other things and I know she’ll lean on other people for pregnancy support, I really appreciate that she is sensitive to my feelings. I’m happy to support her with anything else she wants to discuss. I would dread calling her if it was going to be all about pregnancy. I’m happy for her and said congrats etc but it’s too hard to be constantly reminded of what I don’t have and might never have. I feel bad about feeling jealous but I think it’s normal and of course I never say anything negative. If someone was actually saying rude or negative things about your pregnancy then that would be very obviously wrong, but if they are just avoiding the subject it’s clearly because it’s so painful and heartbreaking and I hope you will find some empathy for them.

YABU not to have some empathy for them.

Congratulations ! and best wishes .
You should be strong mentally now and focus on yourself and the baby .I know you want to continue your friendship with these guys but please at the current moment give them space .They will come back to you once they have realized that the silent treatment that they are giving you is inappropriate .
What you did was also not the mature behaviour but leave it .
There is still a long battle left .Make new friends or join a new mums group and have a chat group with them .

You have done absolutely nothing wrong in terms of breaking the news - the only alternative would have been to lie to them when they asked if it had worked, and then they would obviously have found out you had lied when you announced to the world at large after 12 weeks... and if not then, they would have noticed when you had a baby in 9 months time... letting them find out that way would be the insensitive thing to do. What you did was perfectly fine - it's you being pregnant that has upset them, not the fact that you told them. Some posters who have replied here aren't willing to admit that.

Don't talk to them about your pregnancy. Don't expect support from them. You have the thing they want most in the world and they will feel like you're rubbing their face in it if you talk about your pregnancy - especially if you complain about morning sickness. Its unfair but it's just how it is.

Surely you have other people you can talk to? I don't agree with others at all that you've done something wrong in the way you've gone about this, but I do think it's silly to expect sympathy from them when you talk about morning sickness.

Also, once the baby actually arrives, if they are still waiting to get pregnant then this will probably be another strain on the friendship. Don't send them baby pics, and don't expect sympathy from them when you're little one won't sleep. It may well be the end of the friendship. I know it's sad but it's just how life goes.

I remember being devastated when my friend got pregnant. We were both in our forties, she was a couple of years older than me, natural conception. I guess I thought we would always be on the same path.

Why should they be happy?
Being pg is a big deal for you, I get that , and congratulations by the way, but the majority of people won’t really care and for these women who are still struggling with infertility it’s probably very upsetting for the.
Plus you do sound a bit smug about it to be honest

You are being incredibly insensitive. You also seem to be incapable of putting yourself in your friends' shoes and showing some empathy.

How long have they been trying and how many IVFs have they done?

I tried for 7 years with 10 IVFs. If a friend had got pregnant on her first IVF and wanted to use me as a sounding board for sympathy when she felt "sicky", I would be astounded at their lack of empathy.
Your friends don't know if they will ever have what you have. Use a friend who already has children to complain to (or keep it to yourself).

As it happened I did get pregnant with twins, and never mentioned anything pregnancy related to a friend also doing IVF. (Happily she is now 21 weeks pregnant).

I was your friend. It's hard to describe but when others around you get pregnant- no matter how much you wish them well and how much you love them - the news compounds your own grief. It's incredibly hard to process. I completely withdrew. I didn't have the resilience to cope with my feelings AND be pleased for my friends. And I hated myself for it, which made me withdraw even further. I think you have to wait for your friends to come back to you and find yourself some pregnancy buddies to share this with. If you value your friends then giving them some non-judgemental space right now is the kindest thing to do.

Just stay quiet and discuss with friends and family with no fertility issues
It’s normal , human and sad
Congratulations

In fairness to the @dancingqueen34 she probably didn’t rush to tell them when you share a fertility journey most people you are sharing with will know official test day or transfer day

It's just in AIBU, the responses would be more nuanced elsewhere I expect. Congratulations on your pregnancy op and I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and your little one. I think it's like how friendships change when you get a boyfriend, even when you don't mean them to - the dynamic changes. It's sad and I understand your hurt.

@ScrapThatThen

It's just in AIBU, the responses would be more nuanced elsewhere I expect. Congratulations on your pregnancy op and I hope you enjoy your pregnancy and your little one. I think it's like how friendships change when you get a boyfriend, even when you don't mean them to - the dynamic changes. It's sad and I understand your hurt.

really?

I got pregnant after only 18 months of trying, and my friends suffering from infertility are not interested by my pregnancy, are they BU?

Especially someone who had to go through IVF themselves should understand how difficult things are for their friends, instead of being suddenly so self-absorbed and unreasonable?

Pregnancy is a HUGE things for the parents. Not so much for everybody else frankly.

'I remember being devastated when my friend got pregnant...... I guess I thought we would always be on the same path.'

I had a similar experience. It was incredibly sad and lonely and our friendship didnt survive.

Yanbu.

I don't know why on these boards so many people think it's fine to ignore people, be disinterested, not offer congratulations because they are suffering from infertility.

Why does it get a free pass when other things don't? It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single.

Yabu I'm afraid. Have you been friend for a long time? Or did you bond over your fertility troubles?

I had a couple of friends who I became close to because we were all having IVF. I became pregnant and we naturally drifted apart. It was on my part too as I didn't want to rub it in that I'd been lucky. It's a shame but I think it was easist for us all. I found new friends who were pregnant too and I felt comfortable talking openly with them about symptoms and worries.

Why does it get a free pass when other things don't? It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single

Theres no obligation to say congratulations. If someone was incredibly lonely and had poured their heart out about it and it hugely affected their life, or if they had lost their husband, would you think it's nice to go on about your wedding? Or would you maybe be tactful, and say I understand this might be hard for you, but I'd love you to be involved and reach out when you feel able. True friends don't need others saying what they think they should say, they say how they feel and empathise.

@formerbabe

Yanbu.

I don't know why on these boards so many people think it's fine to ignore people, be disinterested, not offer congratulations because they are suffering from infertility.

Why does it get a free pass when other things don't? It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single.

She didn’t say they didn’t congratulate her initially. Her whole thread is because she wants to discuss with them her symptoms and they are not showing interest and asking how she is to enable her to do that

@formerbabe

The OP is being unreasonable and so are you.

Give your head a wobble and stop being so insensitive

Its like posting pics of mountains of presents when some kids have nothing. Its crass.

Why do you need to 'announce' your pregnancy at 12 weeks? Tell very close family and friends privately, and other friends as you speak to them?

This ^. Its like celebrating a win a few minutes into a match. I know this is the norm now - to have the "me, me,me" moment and to want people gushing over you and having Facebook "likes" etc . But there is really no need for it. You've had your struggles, now you are pregnant, be thankful and enjoy your pregnancy without turning it into a song and dance. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I definitely think you're being unreasonable, sorry. Why on earth would you be telling them about your symptoms too? Just no.

It wouldn't be acceptable to not say congratulations when someone gets married because you are single.

Because being single is oh so similar to not being able to conceive.

Lol at infertility being compared to being single

Oh my god I am not telling them about my symptoms! I was offered a mince pie, I said no thanks I feel a bit sick. That is the only thing I said! I just expected a text to ask how I am after talking to each other every single day for over a year about our respective fertility treatments and struggles. I now understand that is unreasonable, but I need to be clear that I haven't been talking about symptoms.