To no longer enjoy Xmas and not want to do it again.

[XOXO999]

I'm really fed up of Christmas and ended the day completely shattered and in tears. MY DH told me to "get a grip" and offered me no sympathy. But, I can't face another Christmas like this.

YABU - and need to get a grip.
YANBU - and need to make some changes for next year.

I started the day off very tired. Mostly my own fault as my DH and I had a few drinks (not huge amounts) on Xmas Eve and didn't get to bed until midnight. We had a rare few enjoyable hours without the kids. I didn't sleep well due to interruptions from excited kids intermittently and then being woken around 5:30. I know, I shouldn't have had a few drinks and won't make the same mistake again.

We are in tier 4, so it was just the immediate family, not a bad thing necessarily! We started the day with the kids opening their presents, slightly hindered by MiL observing via WhatsApp. ILs had been meant to come.

My eldest (7) who has ADHD, despite all the great presents, was desperate to go and play Roblox. Queue a big tantrum from him. He was told he would have to wait until after dinner. He was miserable from then onwards.

The kids had many presents, which my youngest enjoyed. Mess and stuff everywhere. DH made a nice turkey dinner, which kids hardly ate. I took kids out on bikes to the local park. My eldest had been bought a new bike. My youngest (4) insisted on taking his bike which he struggles to ride. I said no, but relented. ended up lugging the thing around, with him having tantrums. He can be quite spirited and stubborn. Trips with them both to the local park are generally stressful.

Got back, had a short nap, before meeting my family on Zoom for a quiz. Felt absolutely knackered and guilty as kids left to entertain themselves. Youngest was playing, eldest was on Roblox. Came off, made the kids beans on toast, neither ate much.

Struggled as usual to get the kids to bed. Both wanting dad, refusing to let me put them bed. My eldest called me ugly, said he hates me, said he hadn't enjoyed Christmas because he only got four Switch games! He doesn't even play it that often and also got a bike!

Basically, it was the kids being really, really hard work all day and I was really tired. Plus MiL buys too many presents - she buys the kids nearly as much as we do. I imposed limits on her this year. She also buys us and them lots of stuff we don't ask for, which ends up going to charity. This year, she also bought me a gift experience of an online British Sign Language Course expecting me to be delighted! It was heavily reduced in Debenhams, I had not expressed any interest in doing one. She then sounded put out when DH informed her I won't use it. Now that money is down the drain as the gift is non-refundable.

At the end of the day, I was knackered and tearful, told by me DH to "get a grip". I think it's fair to say both me and my eldest son did not enjoy the day. I think next year we need a re-think. I'd be happy to not bother but obviously can't because of the kids.

I appreciate that others are in far worse situations this year. But I personally found the day very hard and no longer enjoy Christmas.

Also, just seeing the photos of other people's days on social media is depressing.

Please don't be too hard on me!

So basically you started the day with a hangover. Here’s an idea, next year, because you won’t be opting out, cut back on the booze ans get to bead earlier on Xmas Eve.
I don’t understand people who “impose limits” on other people’s gift giving, children are little for such a short period of time, if people want to spoil them, bloody well let them! My kids are 18 and 23, eldest has left home and we still spoil them at Christmas. They neither ask nor nor expect it, and the greatest pleasure I have at Christmas is in seeing them happy.

Christmas is hard work with young children, but you just suck it up and get on with it.

Oh, and your dh needs a lesson in manners.

Should add we have had so many disastrous Christmas days (Last year Dd was recovering from what we believe was Covid and Ds didn’t even get up as he was ill and I went down with it on Boxing Day) that even dc who are late teens/20s are beginning to wonder whether it is worth it.
I think we are also finally convincing Dp that Christmas just isn’t worth it.

Looking back to last time we went away. Christmas Day eating airline food at 33000 feet was one of the best Christmas days we have had.

I feel very sympathetic towards you but you do sound a bit unreasonable. From your post it sounds like you have been miserable and stressy all day and that has been reflected back at you by your family. I’m not sure it that’s a fair assumption, but that’s what’s come across?

I think that the problem was that you had a very different expectations about the day.
You said that night before you had a couple drinks- nothing to bad in my opinion- as everyone wants done chill out time.
But you do need next time think through what the reasonable expectations are.

I think your trigger was that you tried pleasing everyone and it just went all wrong.
Take it easier next year, no family social media meeting, ltt egg t the kids do what they want ( of course reasonably), and enjoy your day.
Don't have high expectations as with the kiddos it may be always difficult.

Try to not stress yourself.🌻

It sounds like an exhausting but fairly normal Christmas Day with young kids, and I mean that very gently - I think you’re right re expectations. What would a better day have been like for you, and how close can you get to that day without it being more stressful? Your DH made the dinner so you didn’t have the responsibility of that, you had time for even a short nap and the zoom, so objectively my Christmas day was a lot more stressful but I just didn’t feel it that way at all? I agree with previous comments about choosing your battles - your kids aren’t being difficult about this stuff, they’re just expressing a need and even if you think it’s something they should get over eg the roblox and the bedtime, why not just roll with it and make your life easier? FWIW I don’t think midnight the night before is “far too late” - you’re an adult after all - and if you needed the Christmas Eve relaxation after the run-up prep then give yourself that and tone down your expectations on yourself the next day. Re your eldest, would it work to talk to him beforehand about what he wants to do on Christmas and then let that happen and make sure he knows it eg “here’s your special treat of Roblox before dinner!”? I don’t go for all that “making memories” stuff cos we don’t get to choose which memories people make but it might mean that even if there are other stresses he still remembers a good day. I also don’t think you can opt out of it with kids, but you can think about what would make a good Christmas for you and your family, not for some fantasy family where everyone magically snaps into carol-singing round the table on Christmas Day.

You're probably too young to give up Xmas - wait another 20 -40 years and no one will notice what you do/feel.

Yes, we were all worn out at dd's house yesterday. Dgd, 9, looked utterly worn out by 6pm.

As an outsider looking in, OP, not as someone who has done this herself - would it help to take a very firm line about Christmas in future? One present from mum, one from dad, one from grandparents, plus one stocking set up by you? Manage expectations by telling everyone from January. Tell them Christmas is spoiled if you're all exhausted. Let them plan in their own activities eg Roblox, and put your own on the schedule so you aren't missed out. If by any chance we're out of restrictions by this time next year, make it clear if you visit anyone it will be only for a couple of hours, not all day, and that you won't be having anyone round at yours.

Christmas is going to come up every year. You'll end up dreading it if you don't take control.

@JudgeRindersMinder

So basically you started the day with a hangover. Here’s an idea, next year, because you won’t be opting out, cut back on the booze ans get to bead earlier on Xmas Eve. I don’t understand people who “impose limits” on other people’s gift giving, children are little for such a short period of time, if people want to spoil them, bloody well let them! My kids are 18 and 23, eldest has left home and we still spoil them at Christmas. They neither ask nor nor expect it, and the greatest pleasure I have at Christmas is in seeing them happy.

Christmas is hard work with young children, but you just suck it up and get on with it.

Oh, and your dh needs a lesson in manners.

Well, the point is that imposing limits on gift giving will make some children happier. It’s very easy for a child get overwhelmed with so many toys - it’s hard to choose something to play with when there are so many options.

First of all, it is the kids day - if they want to play Roblox all day and eat nothing with any nutritional value, just let them.

Present overload ruined a few Christmas' for us and my kids now have a stocking and four main presents. We open family gifts in the evening and this year have held over a few for ds10 who is autistic and can't stand spontaneity and the unknown. We will probably give them to him next week.

Christmas dinner wasn't turkey but something which I know the kids enjoy eating.

You need to address the mean stuff your eldest son said to you that is completely acceptable. Just tell him very firmly that what he said was rude and hurt your feelings. If he repeats anything like that again he will loose his Nintendo games.

It will get better as they get older

Completely unacceptable...!

Sounds like you were tired and hungover. Agree with your husband get a grip. You sound spoilt. Why would you not just accept MILs gift why tell her you won't use it that's horrible

It may indeed be a day for children and better to allow that.I think mountains of gifts are horrible because its wasteful and it creates monstrous,entitled children. looking forward to the barrage of insults now

Christmas day is hyped up to be perfect and magical, alot is portrayed on the media, fb example its not real life and what works for your family and individual needs is important. Its your Chrismtas too. I admit I have made the mistake over many years of trying to create something not possible and in the meantime not having the best day as i could by just enjoying it. Who makes all the rules anyway? We didn't wake up until gone 9am had chocolate for breakfast snacked inbetween and didnt have tea til 7 my 4yo didnt want traditional roast so ok instead of stressing i asked her what she wanted and we went with fries and sausage rolls! Who said thats not ok? Kids were on games most of the day and its the same today its not hurting them. All im trying to say is please dont put pressure on yourself and that your needs matter too. You did your best and your heart is in the right place. Maybe when your partner said about getting a grip he could have been more tactful but prob ment it as to try and relax a little and enjoy. You sound like a fab parent who loves their children dearly. wishing you a better day today with another perspective take care

Other people are full of shit. Christmas is like this for everybody. Never believe social media.
I'm just thankful I'm 58 and never have to do it again.

Ummmm don't have a hangover on Christmas day and then complain you can't deal with it?!

You had a nap and the dinner cooked for you and you were still grumpy 😂 honestly how old are you?! Get a grip!

I really don’t get that you can’t not do Christmas.

We are a very mixed family and whilst some celebrate Christmas others don’t so growing up it was always very stressful. Whether that was because of financial constraints or because my mother used to make it all about her and when expectations fell below her standards she would have a nervous breakdown and wreck everyone’s Christmas it has always been not a great day.

Dp and I tended to have a very relaxed Christmas before and after the children were born.
I know one year we forgot the Christmas dinner until quite late on.
We all eat what we want and make roast potatoes and a big pan of veg.
Yesterday I had a cheese omelette

I think there is too much pressure put on making it a perfect day.

Someone I know who has family with a lot of small children gets everyone around the table for their large dinner on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day is nibbles and a cold buffet lunch.

Can’t understand why you would stop any child playing a particular game on Christmas Day. That’s just asking for trouble.

@AllBellyandBoobs

I tend not to enjoy Christmas much since having children. It's a lot of work, a lot of thought goes into it, I generally do it all myself (DH makes the dinner though!), I get rubbish or no gifts (always buy myself something), I am shattered. I loved Christmas right up until I had to put thought and effort into making it a special day for others 😁

I feel the same way. Christmas with kids became one long to do list with raised expectations that each year would be better than the last. I dread it every year.

Think about making some tweaks to your Xmas day next year (maybe plan in September when everyone is calmer)

Maybe eat out (assuming life is normalish by then) and maybe do grandma's visit/ presents on boxing day so it spaces it out.

Definitely take a break from social media on the day, it can just add more pressure.

There's no harm in doing things a bit differently, just let the dust settle on this year and tackle your plans for 2021 at another time.
Xx

We have pre-dinner cocktails on Christmas Eve about 5pm and stop drinking after dinner, switching to water so we can still celebrate Christmas Eve but not be hungover Christmas Day! That’s my top tip along with letting kids play on screens if they want and not expecting them to be bothered about Christmas dinner. I think the dinner is more for grown ups - my kids like a roast but have usually filled up already on chocolate from their stocking and just want to get down and play with toys rather than sitting leisurely and chatting. They come to the table and have a bit and sit with us for a while but I don’t really police what they eat on Christmas Day and I let them get down and do what they want while we drink wine and talk. I always prefer Christmas Eve and Boxing Day anyway - I love the build up before and I love the relaxation after.

The one time me and my brother tried waking my parents before 7 am my poor mum stuck her head under the covers and wailed/shouted "IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS YET"

Think maybe more people could try it....

@randomer, thanks.

Was proud of ds, who’s 20. He had no idea what he wanted (never does) and said “do me one of your Crisis at Christmas table places”. We’ve done it a few years now.

Wow @EleanorRigbyWasReal,even this year with one adult son,I was looking at the Tony amount of gifts we had prepared and was all for doing a shop 'to make it look like more ' Its frightening how lemming like we all are.

I’m curious OP other than cooking dinner and looking after his children while you had a 30 minute nap after being outside with them and hauling their stuff back, how much time did your husband actually spend with his children. It sounds like he spent most of the day on his own while you were entertaining the children. Your DH was the one who didn’t want your son to play with the game he desired until after dinner. Why didn’t you just give it to the 7 yo anyway and said it’s Christmas and he should be able to enjoy it for a bit? If DH was in the kitchen busy cooking what would it have mattered?

Well, we have a grandson now, who’s 4 months old. Haven’t been able to see him this Christmas but next year... it may all go out the window! 😊