To no longer enjoy Xmas and not want to do it again.

[XOXO999]

I'm really fed up of Christmas and ended the day completely shattered and in tears. MY DH told me to "get a grip" and offered me no sympathy. But, I can't face another Christmas like this.

YABU - and need to get a grip.
YANBU - and need to make some changes for next year.

I started the day off very tired. Mostly my own fault as my DH and I had a few drinks (not huge amounts) on Xmas Eve and didn't get to bed until midnight. We had a rare few enjoyable hours without the kids. I didn't sleep well due to interruptions from excited kids intermittently and then being woken around 5:30. I know, I shouldn't have had a few drinks and won't make the same mistake again.

We are in tier 4, so it was just the immediate family, not a bad thing necessarily! We started the day with the kids opening their presents, slightly hindered by MiL observing via WhatsApp. ILs had been meant to come.

My eldest (7) who has ADHD, despite all the great presents, was desperate to go and play Roblox. Queue a big tantrum from him. He was told he would have to wait until after dinner. He was miserable from then onwards.

The kids had many presents, which my youngest enjoyed. Mess and stuff everywhere. DH made a nice turkey dinner, which kids hardly ate. I took kids out on bikes to the local park. My eldest had been bought a new bike. My youngest (4) insisted on taking his bike which he struggles to ride. I said no, but relented. ended up lugging the thing around, with him having tantrums. He can be quite spirited and stubborn. Trips with them both to the local park are generally stressful.

Got back, had a short nap, before meeting my family on Zoom for a quiz. Felt absolutely knackered and guilty as kids left to entertain themselves. Youngest was playing, eldest was on Roblox. Came off, made the kids beans on toast, neither ate much.

Struggled as usual to get the kids to bed. Both wanting dad, refusing to let me put them bed. My eldest called me ugly, said he hates me, said he hadn't enjoyed Christmas because he only got four Switch games! He doesn't even play it that often and also got a bike!

Basically, it was the kids being really, really hard work all day and I was really tired. Plus MiL buys too many presents - she buys the kids nearly as much as we do. I imposed limits on her this year. She also buys us and them lots of stuff we don't ask for, which ends up going to charity. This year, she also bought me a gift experience of an online British Sign Language Course expecting me to be delighted! It was heavily reduced in Debenhams, I had not expressed any interest in doing one. She then sounded put out when DH informed her I won't use it. Now that money is down the drain as the gift is non-refundable.

At the end of the day, I was knackered and tearful, told by me DH to "get a grip". I think it's fair to say both me and my eldest son did not enjoy the day. I think next year we need a re-think. I'd be happy to not bother but obviously can't because of the kids.

I appreciate that others are in far worse situations this year. But I personally found the day very hard and no longer enjoy Christmas.

Also, just seeing the photos of other people's days on social media is depressing.

Please don't be too hard on me!

I just assume it's going to be a slog and prepare accordingly. I chill on Boxing Day.

It all sounds fine tbh apart from the SL course which sounds random, although extremely rude of your dh to tell the giver you won't use it.

Your husband cooked dinner and you had a nap.
YABU to feel hard done by.

The only contructive thing I can say is try to learn from this. I'm sorry, I don't want to be unkind but I feel many people have completely lost the plot with gifts and Christmas. Children do not need stuff....stuff does not make people happy. You have to be one hell of a tough person to withstand the stuff jugernaut though.

They sound overwhelmed, fractious on a day when there is practically no day light and we are all supposed to be festive and jolly.
Maybe try for something simpler next time. Don't go on sm and tell MIL to do one.

I'm ' going to say you dont need t get a grip. Ok, in an ideal world you wouldn't have been hungover and tired, but you took the opportunity to spend some quality time with your DH which is important, that is v difficult with young kids. I would say you need to pick your battles and lower your expectations though. I remember finding Christmas quite stressy when my kids were little, we used to have my MIL and I always felt as if I was the one with the pen and paper writing down who'd got what, cleaning up mess etc, but my God I'd do anything to have those Christmases back now, she died when they were 7 and 4. This year, one of the kids presents was wrong (they are 13 and nearly 11), have rectified this, had arguments with the 13 year old about how much Strongbow he could drink, 13 year old spent a lot of time in his room, 10 year old said it was the most boring Christmas ever. The Christmas dinner was a success, had a small bit of help from DH, but I felt totally frazzled. Had two drinks all day and that was enough to give me a headache (think perimenopause, having another period, last one was 2 weeks ago). However, they did like some of their presents and we had a zoom call with family, even though the kids refused to participate. In short, a mixture of positive and negative. I always tell people we are not a bisto family and there were certainly no instagram photos. Maybe try and keep it a bit simpler next year and let the kids have what they want for Christmas dinner etc. I have finally realised at the grand old age of 45 that I prefer Boxing Day as theres less pressure.

I definitely think it's too easy to focus on what you 'should' be doing at Christmas.

Personally, I wouldn't have bothered with the what's app of present opening. Take some videos or pictures if you must and send them later. Same for the zoom call. My DP tried to video call us after dinner and it was bloody hard work.

How about next year trying some.nee traditions and being more relaxed. Make something the kids actually like for their dinner. Mine would have been happy with a plate of pigs in blankets and Yorkshire puddings. They hate Turkey so we never make it. Be more relaxed about letting the kids play with their new stuff.

My eldest is also being assessed for possible ADHD/ASD. He found the day quite overwhelming, but we managed it well by letting him have a few spells of time alone to play upstairs. Even if it does go against the whole 'family together at Christmas' ethos.

I do feel your pain OP. My eldest is 7 and I think this is the first Christmas where everything has actually gone right and I've enjoyed it throughout. Usually there is some disaster or tantrum to ruin the day.

Don't look at social media.

Relax the day. Honestly, I would have reduced the pressure and let the eldest play on Robox if you reduce your expectations its always better.

Basically, Christmas with young kids can be hard work and tiring and to some extent you just have to accept that. It will get easier as they get older (although my youngest is 11 and I was knackered by the end of yesterday!).

I remember feeling like this, not so much about Christmas, but about holidays with young kids. I would be SO looking forward to having a nice relaxing time and then realise that the kids didn't get that memo!

We have had some dreadful Christmas' as DS1 is autistic and just can't cope with it.

Massively lower expectations.

The DC get up and open their gifts from "Santa". They then go to their rooms and eat chocolate and play their games.

Why did you stop your eldest playing his robolox? If I'd got a new and exciting gift but wasn't allowed to use it till a set time, I'd be pretty miffed too - and I'm an adult!

We don't have a traditional Christmas dinner as the DC won't eat it....plus they are full of chocolate anyway. We let them choose prior to the day what they want (chicken pie this year!) and we have what we want (duck) ... everyone is happy then.

Also if they don't eat much as they're full of chocolate... don't stress...it's just one day and you haven't spent hours making a frozen chicken pie!.

Whilst at the table we do the dreadful cracker jokes and l got a really easy Christmas quiz which was different trivia questions.

After dinner...no pudding...we get down and they go back on their games.

I then call them to play a simple none pressurised game - festive bingo this year... then open gifts from grandparents.

Then if want pudding have it..

Just a very laid back day.

Why would you tell someone that you won't use their gift? How cruel

One minute you complain that mil spends too much, then bitch about the fact that the present was reduced in price!

No she was talking about over spending on the kids.

Why on earth should anyone be grateful for something utterly useless, bought for the sake of it and because it was going cheap?

A gift shouldn't just be what "you've asked for". Very grabby and self-serving

A present shouldn't a useless waste of money simply because the giver wants to do performative giving.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I appreciate that others are in far worse situations this year

Worse than what? You felt tired.... and now you want to cancel Christmas?

I’ll be honest

Speaking as someone who doesn’t have children...

This just sounds like a day with children.

When my friends’ kids were little and the friends couldn’t get out much, i used to dislike spending the day there because it was just like this.

Add in the Zoom and it sounds like you added stress. Zoom is hideous. If you can’t avoid it for work, you can still say no to personal zoom.

I did phone calls with sister and cousins yesterday. Much less stressful.

A course to learn BSL when you are a busy, tired parent who hasn’t expressed any interest in learning it sounds terrible!
Agreed. You should never buy a present for anyone that involves effort on their part unless they specifically request it. What was she thinking? Our Christmas was ok but not great. I really, really wanted us all to go out for a walk together but it's not allowed which has affected me more than I thought it would.

I bet Boxing Day will be more enjoyable, I always start Christmas Day a bit knackered from getting presents out and waiting to go to be so kids are definitely asleep Andrea getting up earlier than usual. Things I would change:
No drinking Xmas Eve - save it from Xmas day!
Don’t let the kids get up that early - I’ve always said not before 7am
Just let them play roblox - it makes for a better atmosphere if they can play as they chose.
speak to your son calling you ugly today and get him to apologise/ make amends today.
Really your day sounds ok to me - you got a 30 min nap in - that’s winning in my book!!

A gift shouldn't be something you gave grabbed on your way through a department store to the car park.

Its a strange thing isn't it....this family Christmas thing? The Victorians have a lot to answer for. I reckon if you can get through it without a meltdown you have succeeded.

Just to say Roblox wasn't a Christmas gift, it is something he plays on the tablet. It wasnt one of the games or toys he got for Christmas. X

Also, just seeing the photos of other people's days on social media is depressing

Seriously, stop looking at social media, especially at major festivals.

Those snapshots are the "perfect moments". If you look across the day there will be moments where it was going well and others where you want to scream. That is normal when families get together.

People don't post pictures of the kids bickering, random uncles drinking too much or tears before bed time. That doesn't mean none of it happens.

You sound so ungrateful.

Lower all expectations. In my experience:

1. Kids struggle with Christmas dinner due to excitement.
2. Kids become overwhelmed by it all very quickly.
3. It's all about the kids so don't have high expectations of a wonderful Christmas for you.
4. Don't sign up for extra shit. I hate the expectation of whatsapp quizzes and meetings. It can't be done without ignoring the kids.

I find that when I lower all expectations, I actually have a lovely Christmas. It's a nice surprise if fights don't happen but when they do, well that's what Christmas is like.

I put YANBU. But agreed that on Xmas day anything goes. ROBLOX till their eyes fall out who cares. My eldest 2 fucked off to their Dads at 10pm so I was crying too. I dream of a Christmas just me and the husband and the littlest in a cottage by the sea.

You had a nap and your DH cooked lunch, I do think you're being dramatic tbh. Lessons learned? Don't go to bed late night before, don't go out with new bikes, if your kid wants some time on Roblox for an easier life on Christmas Day let him for a short while. Next year will be better I'm sure.

My tips for next year

• set of expectations around technology use/screen time in advance of the day. Possibly allow some screen time as everyone needs to be able to relax in their own way.

• no WhatsApp/video stuff unless you want to. I just sent a video message to family and then got on with my day.

• why didn't DH come to the park too? 2 adults would have made that part of the day much easier

• your DH was a fool to tell MIL on Christmas day that the gift wouldn't be used! Firstly that probably made her feel rotten, be gracious on Christmas day and save any "not really my thing" stuff for later in the year . Secondly even if you didn't want it I bet you would find someone who did! You can sell or gift it on. I would love to learn sign language and I know lots of people who have chosen to learn it.

calling you ugly/dissing presents. Our child with ADHD has moments like this and I have realised he is just wanting to see what reaction it gets. So I don't really react but do make it clear that it is absolutely unacceptable and that saying it again will result in consequences.

You’ve only acknowledged the “supportive” messages but maybe you should look at the other ones too.

Be thankful that you could be together as a family, have dinner cooked for you, be able to message friends with no interruptions and get a nap - however long! Seriously, you are very lucky and you need to learn how to appreciate what you have.

I reckon if you can get through it without a meltdown you have succeeded

That has always been my yardstick for success.

We always had big family get togethers, my generation (usually me) does a lot of the hosting and two key things reduce the meltdowns:

• all the adults have to contribute (which may be occupying the kids with lego or taking them out on bikes)
• rigidity of timing does not work - no carefully timed souffles at big family get togethers

I never worried if the kids or their cousins ate the right amount of veg, too much chocolate etc the only expectations are everyone pitches in, nobody sniffs about anyone else's contribution. And when inevitably someone has a bit of a melt down just apply bed/hugs/chocolate/gin as needed and carry on regardless.

@FamilyOfAliens

You’ve only acknowledged the “supportive” messages but maybe you should look at the other ones too.

Be thankful that you could be together as a family, have dinner cooked for you, be able to message friends with no interruptions and get a nap - however long! Seriously, you are very lucky and you need to learn how to appreciate what you have.

If I was OP I wouldn’t acknowledge the nasty or dismissive posts either.

Next year remember what you learnt this year, and dial it right back.

It’s meant to be a happy day for all.

Move Christmas dinner to Christmas Eve, for example. Then you’ve got less hassle on the day itself. Have a buffet/picnic lunch (everyone’s favourite bits plus any other festive things you fancy), and turkey sandwiches for dinner. Easy peasy. No pressure, no stress.

Next year video your children opening the presents and send it to parents/ILs afterwards.

Exactly as you said, if they both want dad to put them to bed then he can do the younger one first and then the eldest. No problem at all! You get to pour yourself a glass of whatever drink you fancy and just sit for a while, turn the lights down and enjoy the ambience.

Don’t take SM too seriously - people generally only post the good bits. Lots of people will have had similar experiences to yours.

Yes I do acknowledge the tougher messages and realise I need to put things in perspective/be more grateful for what I have x