To no longer enjoy Xmas and not want to do it again.

[XOXO999]

I'm really fed up of Christmas and ended the day completely shattered and in tears. MY DH told me to "get a grip" and offered me no sympathy. But, I can't face another Christmas like this.

YABU - and need to get a grip.
YANBU - and need to make some changes for next year.

I started the day off very tired. Mostly my own fault as my DH and I had a few drinks (not huge amounts) on Xmas Eve and didn't get to bed until midnight. We had a rare few enjoyable hours without the kids. I didn't sleep well due to interruptions from excited kids intermittently and then being woken around 5:30. I know, I shouldn't have had a few drinks and won't make the same mistake again.

We are in tier 4, so it was just the immediate family, not a bad thing necessarily! We started the day with the kids opening their presents, slightly hindered by MiL observing via WhatsApp. ILs had been meant to come.

My eldest (7) who has ADHD, despite all the great presents, was desperate to go and play Roblox. Queue a big tantrum from him. He was told he would have to wait until after dinner. He was miserable from then onwards.

The kids had many presents, which my youngest enjoyed. Mess and stuff everywhere. DH made a nice turkey dinner, which kids hardly ate. I took kids out on bikes to the local park. My eldest had been bought a new bike. My youngest (4) insisted on taking his bike which he struggles to ride. I said no, but relented. ended up lugging the thing around, with him having tantrums. He can be quite spirited and stubborn. Trips with them both to the local park are generally stressful.

Got back, had a short nap, before meeting my family on Zoom for a quiz. Felt absolutely knackered and guilty as kids left to entertain themselves. Youngest was playing, eldest was on Roblox. Came off, made the kids beans on toast, neither ate much.

Struggled as usual to get the kids to bed. Both wanting dad, refusing to let me put them bed. My eldest called me ugly, said he hates me, said he hadn't enjoyed Christmas because he only got four Switch games! He doesn't even play it that often and also got a bike!

Basically, it was the kids being really, really hard work all day and I was really tired. Plus MiL buys too many presents - she buys the kids nearly as much as we do. I imposed limits on her this year. She also buys us and them lots of stuff we don't ask for, which ends up going to charity. This year, she also bought me a gift experience of an online British Sign Language Course expecting me to be delighted! It was heavily reduced in Debenhams, I had not expressed any interest in doing one. She then sounded put out when DH informed her I won't use it. Now that money is down the drain as the gift is non-refundable.

At the end of the day, I was knackered and tearful, told by me DH to "get a grip". I think it's fair to say both me and my eldest son did not enjoy the day. I think next year we need a re-think. I'd be happy to not bother but obviously can't because of the kids.

I appreciate that others are in far worse situations this year. But I personally found the day very hard and no longer enjoy Christmas.

Also, just seeing the photos of other people's days on social media is depressing.

Please don't be too hard on me!

Have a re-think, change the rules.

Talk to your DH and children about what you and they want from Christmas. Don't fall for conventions/traditions of others (your family, his family, society) if that's not what you want. Christmas is stressful because we succomb to the pressures we put upon ourselves to be 'perfect' - measured against our own childhood christmases, against the media perception, celebreties, instagram, the supermarket advert ideal christmas. Don't force things you don't want to do on yourself, your DH, or your kids. Don't let either the in-laws or out-laws impose themselves on family time. Have the christmas you want.

Kids don't eat much at Christmas. Too much excitement, routine out of whack, probably snacking at weird times. I wouldn't let that upset you at all.

Where was your partner around all the hullabaloo at bedtime etc? Sounds like you needed some serious backup there! If they want dad and dad thinks it's so bloody easy tell him to have at it. Your partner shouldn't have told you to get a grip. It's total gaslighting to dismiss the tough time you had and tell you your feelings are wrong.

There are lots of expectations placed on Christmas and it can feel really deflating when it's not the picture perfect family time you wanted.

Next year I'd put way less pressure on yourself. Let the kids do what they want to do (eg letting your kid play with the thing they want before dinner etc) and pour yourself a hair of the dog 😄

As for your kids shitty attitudes, I'd definitely be having words with them once the Christmas excitement has worn off. Tell them how hurtful their comments were - it's a good time to teach them more kindness and appreciation

These are challenging times for lots of us OP, don't be down on yourself or your family.

Don't feel under pressure to make a traditional meal if the kids don't want it, or even make it on Xmas Eve instead, whatever works best for your family.

Most kids have tantrums at Xmas as it's v exciting and parents feel under pressure.

Everything goes better after a good nights sleep but that isn't always easy to get on Xmas Eve! Maybe next year simplify Christmas a bit to make things easier and dump any of the bits that don't work well for your family even if they are traditional?

Ah I get it, Christmas Day can often be overwhelming and sometimes a bit of an anticlimax given how much everything is hyped up! I think next year, first obviously don’t drink the night before and relax things with the kids a bit more. But also don’t do things if you think it’s going to piss you off, like carrying the bike round the park.
Obviously there are SN involved which can make things feel quite unrelenting.

Also if you don’t want the BSL course and can’t refund I will happily take it off your hands I have a deaf niece! But in all seriousness are there friends you could gift it to who would enjoy it? It is a bit random if you’d have no use for it, so I get that.

Also, just seeing the photos of other people's days on social media is depressing

Social Media is rough, especially at Christmas, I advise staying off it, I had to check myself a couple of times in the lead up to Christmas because I felt shitty about my parenting. The fact of the matter is all those people had the exact same Christmas you did, because your sounds like the most standard Christmas with children, it's just that some people choose not to be honest about it

I used to do this OP and learnt that you have to be realistic and adapt things.
Xmas dinner doesn't have to be a big roast. My son hates veg and so didn't have any. I applied no pressure to havenay either. They ate what they wanted and then they went back to their toys.
If you know the youngest cannot ride his bike then don't take it. OR...DH comes too, so when the youngest has had enough, he can turn round and go home whilst other DS carries on.
Other than making the turkey, was your DH helpful? If not, maybe that also needs to change.

1 Lower your expectations, expect Christmas to be hard work until your kids are older.

2 Kids can't cope with Christmas. We overload them with gifts, noise, sugar and drunk adults, the results are never pretty. Don't worry in a blink they'll become teens and you won't be able to get them out of bed on Christmas day, what a relief.

3 You have a child with ADHD, take that into account. If you have ADHD you can get very exited by one thing and zoom in on it, let him do that. (I have ADHD and my son is ASD so I know a lot about this.)

5 Keep control of MIL. Explain ADHD to her and why she can't overload your kids with gifts. She is spoiling your kids to make her feel good, have a serious chat about next year.

6 Lots of adults hate Christmas dinner but they eat it to be polite, kids don't do this. Decide a version of Christmas dinner you'll all enjoy. To be honest my son has pizza while me and my partner eat a roast, we all have a posh treat instead of Christmas pudding, everyone enjoys their food.

7 Do not drink until Boxing Day, for now Christmas day is work. Put aside a day where you have your version of a good time.

8 Control blood sugar and caffeine levels in everyone. Even adults are rubbish at being hungry, make everyone eat some protein at breakfast before starting on the chocolate. Limit coke and check caffeine levels in it, it's rocket fuel to some kids.

9 Most Christmas days are closer to "EastEnders" than "Instagram" , stop looking at Social Media, it's a lie.

10 Have words with your hubby. You should be working out how to work as a team. I think MIL may be a bit controlling and maybe she did everything on Christmas day, well your his partner, not his mother, insist on teamwork.

11 Edit your own memories. Try and concentrate on what went well that what went badly, it will make you feel better.

12 Boxing day is often better than Christmas day, get the kids out on their new bikes and chill.

Hope this helps.

I expect your dh was unsupportive because he'd had the exact same day - bit hungover, tired from interrupted sleep/early start, whining kids, mess everywhere. He didn't take the kids to the park but he did make dinner.

It does just sound like a normal Xmas with young children tbh, although yours sound especially spirited. Why did you let the 4yo take the bike when you knew you'd end up carrying it? I'm surprised at the child who said they hadn't enjoyed the day because they hadn't received enough games too.

I'd spend the year thinking about how things could be different next year. Don't drink until midnight. Teach them to stay in bed until an agreed time. Fewer presents, opened at intervals throughout the day. Everyone helps to clear up wrapping paper/packaging mess. Kids allowed down time doing their own separate things if they want.

I hope your Boxing Day is better.

YABU but you had broken sleep and a hangover, so many people would feel the way you do.You didn't actually have a tough Christmas day - your DH did all the cooking! You had a nap. You made it tough o yourself by deciding how things should be and then getting upset that everyone wasn't behaving as you decided they should. Don't go for a bike ride if one child can't ride their bike! You could have anticipated that the one with the new bike would want to try it and the little one would want to come too. You should have worked out in advance how to handle that. You could have anticipated they'd want to play a new game before dinner and would get upset if told no. And you reaction to your MILs gift is so rude. You just smile and thank people even if they give you a packet of biscuits from 99p store. That's what adults do.

Yep just change it for next year, we all learn from what doesn't work.
I was left on my own this year with 5 kids as OH is ill. Next year I actually think I'm going to do Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve then picky bits Christmas Day as I just can't do it all, and if visitors don't like it, they can offer to host us for lunch instead.

7 Do not drink until Boxing Day, for now Christmas day is work. Put aside a day where you have your version of a good time

I agree with this, I do drink now the kids are teens but when they were small I barely drank at all

@XOXO999

Just to say Roblox wasn't a Christmas gift, it is something he plays on the tablet. It wasnt one of the games or toys he got for Christmas. X

So it’s familiar, calming and orientates you in the middle of a confusing day? Use your unhappiness now to plan what to change next year. We have two on the spectrum, and over the many Christmases we’ve had a good time precisely because we plan what we like, and change what doesn’t work for our family.

Hmmm
So I went to bed at 2am pissed up (its xmas i.dont normally drink) and after putting presents out. Girls are nearly 11 and 6. Anyways the oldest tried getting up up at 4am before we relented at 7am. She (the oldest) doesnt believe btw

So came down had gifts exhausted and lots.of coffee. Got washed at 11ish and had bacon sandwich. Roblox went on around 10am so I got some piece and 10 yr old went on tiktok then the kids and us went out on bikes for an hour and we saw the ducks etc. Came back and inlaws came for an hour. Turkey went in at 1pm we ate at 4pm no stress and kids ate everything
Need a re think and less timing etc

Agree about the food, we had pre prepared shepherd's pie for lunch and frozen party food and crisps for tea. Having our roast dinner today instead when we have more time and energy to focus on cooking and the kids aren't full of chocolate. We insisted they watched some TV at 4PM as by that point I was fed up of playing, DH and I had a chill for half an hour in the kitchen. Lower expectations.

Assume your eldest faced some repercussions for being so horribly spoiled and rude to you?

I keep my expectations low, I think that's the key... Although mine are older 10 +12 so that's easier now.

We had immediately family, I did a buffet as no real room for a sit down meal. Everyone was fine with that if they weren't bloody tough!

The only 'enforced fun' was a short quiz otherwise people and kids were free range, eating, chatting playing on the Switch.

My son played on his when he opened it and my daughter went upstairs - I take no offence to this it's just the way they are.

Christmas should just be about relaxing, especially for those working and being together where you can

Expectation can be crazy high; and sadly that work seems to fall on the women

You're not YANBU by the way

Ah OP I have been there with younger kids and it is hard work on Xmas day. The over eating of sweets/ chocolate followed by an un eaten Xmas dinner. It’s frustrating. I have 4DC and up until 8 years ago MIL used to bring round enormous sacks of Xmas presents for each child on Xmas day. It used to wind me and DH up because we were quite humble with our present giving and wanted DC to be grateful for everything they received...which they would be until MIL out trumping us and our gifts! DH had to have a word in the end because it was beyond a joke and we couldn’t afford to match this level of gift giving back then. Kids would just be tearing the packages open and throwing the gifts not even looking what it was. A trip to the park sounds nice to get out of the house but maybe yesterday you should have stayed at home or left the youngest at home and just taken the eldest. Also I would have let your DS play Roblox. My youngest is 9 and as soon as present opening had finished she was straight on Roblox (had got a Roblox gift card for Xmas) and eldest DD17 went and purchased some games on steam! . I hope your day is better today OP. Relax and cook something quick later.

Babe I managed a 4m/o and 8y/o on 2.5hours sleep. No drinks the night before for me, breastfeeding all night and setting up for the kids.
I cooked dinner for 9, handled my drunk mother, maintained social distancing, took part in multiple WhatsApp group calls and went to bed at gone midnight.

Your attitude builds the day.
You woke up CBA and continued the day that way.

Thanks everyone. I've got a grip on this now. I am going to remove the thread because otherwise I will keep looking at it and therefore not focus on today!

Thanks for responding. Have a lovely Boxing Day everyone.

Onwards and upwards...

I learnt very quickly with kids that Xmas is always going to be difficult unless you cut them so like slack. That anticipation and build up for the month is tiring for them and hard for them to regulate their feelings, like you admit you were tired and are struggling to regulate your feelings.

Lower your expectations and next year will feel much better.

I think my kids existed on chocolate, pigs in blankets, cheese & orange squash yesterday 🤣

YABU.

My two girls were at their Dads this Xmas for the first time. I got a 5 minute zoom call. He walked out on us a couple of years ago. I always did everything for Christmas in our family (and picked up the pieces after their Dad left). He only sees them once a week normally but I agreed to every second Christmas.

I’m sure there are plenty of people in similar situations, or worse, their beloved children are no longer with us, who would dearly wish for just one more Christmas Day.

I get run down and ill every year at Christmas. This year I felt great .... Until I woke up on Christmas Eve with a sore throat. I was exhausted and so desperate for a good night's sleep on Christmas Eve. Of course, I struggled to get to sleep. DS woke at midnight until 4 am then got up at 6am. I felt run down and haggard yesterday, but I took it easy, the kids had fun and I survived. Christmas day is often a case of just getting through it for the sake of the kids whilst feeling stressed, sleep deprived and worn out. I think that your husband was a bit rude to your mil. It's a random gift, but she may well have felt that you would have liked it. The drinking too much was down to your own actions. Everything else was pretty minor. You do sound depressed though, generally. This year, the weather, covid.. it's taking its toll. You need to take the pressure off yourself. The kids will be reacting to your stress.

Happy Boxing Day!

YABU - I wish could have had a nap! Sounds like a relatively nice day, young children are over excited etc and you were tired.
What were you expecting from the day?
I was exhausted as my husband came in paralytic on the evening of the 23rd, and was sick all over the bed. I was up until 1am getting it all washed and dried. The next day I wanted a nap and a long bath but it didn't happen. I've also had a horrid headache all week after my daughter head butted me on the eyebrow and gave me a black eye (by accident!) last Saturday. But Xmas day was still lovely, and we had a great time. If your children wanted their Dad at bedtime, why couldn't they see him? Had he gone out/away? For a few days at Xmas you can relax the 'rules' and routine surely? Go with the flow a bit more and give everyone the chance to enjoy it in their own way - including you!

Well... you sound like a massive drama llama to me. I was up at 5 yesterday, like I am every single day of the year after a night of broken sleep with DS who's almost two. Managed to walk the dogs and still paint a smile on my face for the sake of DS while he opened all his presents, then had a busy day of him becoming increasingly tired and overwhelmed at PILs. Did I let it ruin my Christmas? No. Did I expect anything else? No. Why? Because he's a CHILD. I mean, seriously, what did you think you were signing up to when you had kids? Sounds like your husband said the only thing that was appropriate in the circumstances; you need to get a grip.