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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:

WorriedMumofTeen16 · 07/12/2021 16:23

Fabulous news. You've all been through the wringer (including the younger DC), so it's probably happened at just about the best time, where you can have family time over Christmas and reconnect properly.

jeaux90 · 07/12/2021 16:28

Amazing news!

VillanellesOrangeCoat · 07/12/2021 17:48

Thank goodness! Oh I can just imagine your relief! Very well handled in an exceptionally difficult situation OP

ChristmasPlanning · 07/12/2021 19:48

Wonderful update! So relieved for your family

LittleEsme · 07/12/2021 19:54

Really pleased for you all OP.
Let's hope that this time with his family and friends helps him realise how crazy and unhealthy his whole situation was. Well done for getting through it

frugalkitty · 07/12/2021 20:06

Oh OP I'm so glad to hear your update (I was worried when the last thread disappeared!) He's bound to have down days but I'm so pleased you've got through it and he's got his safe space at home and good friends to support him. Thanks so much for updating, sending you all much love

Theluggagerules · 07/12/2021 20:47

I'm so glad for you all! I too was worried when the thread disappeared but that's great for all of you that it's finished

ESGdance · 09/12/2021 21:18

Such a relief for you all. How long have they been apart and did she finish it? Is she with someone else (hope so - safer for your DS)?

Totally right not to bombard him and it’s really wonderful that he has opened up to apprenticeship peers and old
friends - that’s a hugely emotionally mature step and it will serve him well.

So delighted you got your boy back - it was your dedication, love and consistency that did it.

Hope her looney tune parents keep well away. Remind him that “hoovering” may start - advise him to NEVER go to any “closure chats”, to delete and block her number - because she might be back to torment him.

Original poster

workworkworkugh · 10/12/2021 04:57

@ESGdance she ended it technically at the end of November when she said she wanted to 'experience other boys'.
I think she tried to get him back once since then but DS said no (we found out well after the fact).
It sounds like she might be with someone else but I'm not entirely sure.

DH has had a chat to DS about if the parents have contacted him or were to contact him and so far there has been nothing.
GF has blocked DS on social media, we've tried to get DS to block her as well and her number but he doesn't seem to want to, which makes me think he's hoping she'll reach out or something.
But his actions tell us that he's mostly over her, he's making plans with his mates for next year (sporting events, concerts etc) so they're all positive signs.

I mean he's still 17, it's not like he's back having family dinners with us or around us all the time, but he's just much more pleasant and happier to speak with and there's not been a single argument or nasty word spoken from him like what became the norm throughout the year.
I think we all just feel so relieved and we can all relax now, there's no tension in the house anymore.

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 10/12/2021 05:24

Fantastic. I followed all your threads and am so relieved for you.

So sorry MN let you down by removing your threads. Thanks for the update. Long may it continue!

2ndtimemum2 · 10/12/2021 05:27

That really is a happy ending delighted for you op

dapsnotplimsolls · 10/12/2021 05:33

I've only just seen this, what brilliant news. I hope you all have a great Christmas!

WafflesRMine · 10/12/2021 06:41

Wonderful news, OP. So glad you have your son back.

MondayYogurt · 10/12/2021 07:02

Good news. I hope he is able to avoid falling into the clutches of another type like this.

ESGdance · 10/12/2021 07:14

All very good signs - it just shows that much of his challenging behaviours were pure distress / cry for help from being engulfed in a toxic and abusive relationship (and her parents) - well done to you for keeping calm and being the safe haven he knew was there throughout.

Weareallvirgins · 19/12/2021 14:17

Nothing to do with this thread at all

Mummyratbag · 19/12/2021 14:57

Such wonderful news. Wishing you all a lovely Christmas :)

Rogue1001 · 19/12/2021 15:51

I too have been following since the start. So relieved for you and your family

fruitbrewhaha · 21/12/2021 10:02

I also followed all your threads and just did a search to find out how you were doing. Thank goodness, I'm so relieved for you.

You have been amazing for your ds. I hope he looks back and can see that soon.

I be tempted to ask him to go to some counselling, a sort of debrief and to try and get him to think about why he fell for it all. Help him to unpick his feelings and not look to 'save' another girl. But all in good time.

TheOccupier · 21/12/2021 10:33

It's a Christmas miracle! Well done for hanging in there @workworkworkugh - you have handled this so well.

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