Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My 16yo DS and his girlfriend (and her mum)

995 replies

workworkworkugh · 26/12/2020 06:57

I'm going to write this in point form, I just want to get some other unbiased opinions on my son and his gf of 5 months.
Our point of view is that the relationship is not a healthy one.
We understand that at this age teens start to move away from the family unit but we feel this is above the realms of 'normal'

*she gets mad at him if she doesn't have his full attention.
*she gets mad at him if he hangs out with his mates, so he hasn't hung out with them for 3+ months.
*last time he did she dumped him.
*she cries if he's not at school
*she gets mad at him for playing his Xbox (and not answering her call on the first ring)
*he got a new Xbox for Xmas and she's already making noises about him playing it too much, also about his sport that he loves playing is starting up again soon and she's getting sad about that.
*he spends every single day with her, anywhere from 6-14hours
*it's like he feels guilty if he spends time with us so has to make it up to her
*he can't spend a full day with us as a family, not even Xmas day
*we invite her to our house and to things we're going to but she refuses
*at one point he didn't eat dinner with us for over two weeks as he was with her
*they send literal pages of gushing to each other every single day about how much they love each other and the kids they're going to have 😳
*her mum seems to encourage it (the intensity) which doesn't help
*the Mum, who is 50yo, has texted him (in reply to his messages) "thank you my beautiful James Arthur, you're so adorable" along with a kissy face emoji (not his real name obviously)

We're happy for him to spend time with her and don't stop him much, but it's getting to be too much. We miss him and sometimes want to see him too.
He seems to know it's not right but 'loves her', and I remember young love, we're only in our 30's, so we're happy to be flexible but it still feels very unhealthy to us.
We also don't want to alienate him.

So AIBU and how to we put some boundaries in place, because he clearly doesn't know how to!

OP posts:
Oneeyeopen · 19/04/2021 06:57

@thedancingbear op lives in Australia, it may be different.

Mrgrinch · 19/04/2021 07:02

I can't believe the police have dismissed a death threat, I'm so sorry OP and I hope you persist.

Your son is very confused about his 'love' for her, it's more a fear because he's so used to the abuse and scared of her. It's so sad and I hope he's able to get help and one day be in a natural and fulfilling relationship. Good luck for the road aheadFlowers

RantyAnty · 19/04/2021 07:07

Not surprising the police didn't do anything. The police are pretty much useless in Australia.

Rape, assault, dv dismissed or covered up by the police.

Nonpayingdads · 19/04/2021 07:19

OP this is horrendous. Both teens need help. Social services equivalent might help but it’s not going to be fast...

Lawyer? Restraining order?

Can you move house? Would be worth it to get your son back. He’s been so manipulated.

Hugs to you all.

Mumoblue · 19/04/2021 07:56

So sorry that it’s not being taken seriously OP.
I think it’s worth seeking professional help at this point. Can you get your son to talk to a therapist, and if not, could you talk to one about how to handle it?

bananapalms · 19/04/2021 07:58

Gosh I've just read the whole thing, what a little bitch. You poor poor thing.

I would be going back to the police and asking them to do their jobs properly.

butterpuffed · 19/04/2021 08:05

I hope the school can help you today , OP , or at least point you in the right direction, as it's not just a case of teenage jealousy, the girlfriend is obviously mentally unwell.

PyjamaFan · 19/04/2021 08:05

Wow. Just read the thread. This girl needs professional help.

Dashel · 19/04/2021 08:11

Is there another trusted adult that you can get to talk to him? A coach an uncle, a friend or friends dad?

Tbh if the school and police and her parents fail to help, then I would speak to a solicitor and if that fails I would be posting those messages on social media making it very clear that are from her and asking all him mates to let him know that this isn’t normal. I would also be posting the message about New Year’s Eve inviting other boys over.

I think unfortunately if you can’t get anywhere doing the right thing then it’s time to go psycho and do the wrong thing. I would also be complying to the school governors and any place complaints department and if they have a domestic abuse charity I would be speaking to them too.

ConfusedAdultFemale · 19/04/2021 08:12

.

Maggiesfarm · 19/04/2021 08:15

thedancingbear Mon 19-Apr-21 06:54:33
Milliepossum

OP, every person can get 10 free sessions with a psychologist or other professional if your GP completes a mental health assessment form (not sure exactly what it’s called). I think it’s supported by Medicare.

You really, really can't, unfortunately.

NHS mental health provision is almost non-existent.
......
In my area you can have eight psychotherapy sessions on the NHS.

You can also be referred for six CBT sessions (though I don't think CBT is particularly effective, it's a short term fix for a specific problem & often doesn't work).

However the op is in Australia so doesn't apply.

Over here a kid can leave home at 16, parents would not legally be able to stop them being involved with someone. It's obviously different there.

I'm appalled that the police are treating this so casually. Presumably they interviewed the girl who said she didn't really mean the death threat, it was said in the heat of the moment, etc. However the entire relationship, her possessiveness, is extremely toxic, it would scare me!

I hope the school intervene somehow.

ItscoldinAlaska · 19/04/2021 08:18

I think, with the latest developments, I would be taking the same scorched earth tactics another poster talked about. I have a 17 year old DS so I know how hard this will be but I would now:

Keep DS in the house but take him to the doctor and explain what has happened. Allow 2 trusted friends in to see him, every day. Accompan him only to his sport.
If DS leaves, report him missing to the police and keep doing so every time he leaves (this will make the police take action, if only to get you to stop reporting him missing)
Tell school that DS will not be attending until they can safeguard him by removing this girl
Keep all devices away from him
Every time he screams, cries, punches a wall, goes hysterical - grey rock him with 'DS we love you but our family is not safe and we are the adults'.

It will be hard to maintain but I would do this until he sorts his head out. My parents basically had to do this when my exH broke my jaw and bit a chunk out of my shoulder. They literally dragged me away from the marital home. I also had my 3 traumatised little kids with me. You can do this OP. Lots and lots of hugs and support from the other side of the world.

MzHz · 19/04/2021 08:25

Would your son listen to his school mates? If they told him that this is a totally fucked up relationship and that when a girl tells you to kill anyone it’s game over? When she treats you like this, ruling your every second, manipulating you and isolating you, that’s it’s got to be ended

Every. Single. Time.

Would they help you help him?

I hope the school helps you
I’d keep on at the police

What about Organisations who help those in domestic violence?

We have a charity called Mankind in the uk - www.mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

Petsgalore · 19/04/2021 08:30

Also in Australia, we had a similar situation and a restraining order was the only thing that eventually made the parents and school take notice

Justilou1 · 19/04/2021 09:07

Here in Australia we also have 10 counselling visits subsidized by Medicare. They’re hard to get, though. (And you will undoubtedly have to pay out of pocket expenses if you don’t have a Healthcare Card/Concession Card.) Please take your DS to see your GP ASAP as I think a psychiatrist might be a good idea right now. (I think some medication might help his extreme anxiety/distress symptoms - but I would recommend that you be the one doling it out.) Another thing I think you ought to avoid is any mention of Romeo & fucking Juliet. Anything that romanticizes teen tragedies. (There are lots of movies that do as well.) I have grave concerns because your son is so malleable and so vulnerable where this megalomaniac girl is concerned.

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/04/2021 09:10

I did some safeguarding training and one of the examples sounded just like this - she sounds very controlling.

Loopy22 · 19/04/2021 09:13

Can you report girl and family to Social Services. In the UK they have to a duty to investigate no matter what.. If she’s a minor and exhibiting strange and disturbing behaviour they may want delve deeper, eg look at her home life, back ground etc. I’d take phone away from son including sim and let him choose a new one..( They’ll need evidence).

Justilou1 · 19/04/2021 09:20

How did meeting at school go? I imagine they were in a bind re discussing stuff with you as she is also underage.

Branleuse · 19/04/2021 09:49

as much as i think this is serious, I think whats happened now is theyve become starcrossed lovers and you have been positioned as the gatekeeper of their love story. Youre actually more at risk of losing him, and you might want to consider a dfferent strategy, as obviously at 16, he could just up and leave home if he wanted to - thats what I did, and I regret it now, but if those two are in some sort of limerence, then youre fighting a losing battle, and your relationship with your son will depend on how you play this

Xiaoxiong · 19/04/2021 09:57

Branleuse what would you suggest would have worked with you? I live in fear of this happening to my kids one day. It did to BIL (much younger than DH) in exactly the way it did for the OP, though without the death threats(!!) and it was awful to see - he ended up giving up his much-loved sport for her, leaving home, dropping out of school and falling out with everyone for a while. The girl was seriously mentally ill with anorexia, youngest child, very indulged, wealthy parents so they were completely useless. The course of BIL's whole life was altered and not for the better.

howmanyhats · 19/04/2021 10:07

Milliepossum

OP, every person can get 10 free sessions with a psychologist or other professional if your GP completes a mental health assessment form (not sure exactly what it’s called). I think it’s supported by ----Medicare.

-----

thedancingbear

You really, really can't, unfortunately.

NHS mental health provision is almost non-existent.

--

Hold on a sec! Milliepossum is assuming the OP is in the States, thedancingbear is assuming she's in the UK.

But, we don't know where she is, except it's not the UK as she's in a different time zone.

howmanyhats · 19/04/2021 10:09

Oops, and I totally missed she's in Australia!!

Erm... please ignore my last post Blush

Branleuse · 19/04/2021 10:09

@Xiaoxiong

Branleuse what would you suggest would have worked with you? I live in fear of this happening to my kids one day. It did to BIL (much younger than DH) in exactly the way it did for the OP, though without the death threats(!!) and it was awful to see - he ended up giving up his much-loved sport for her, leaving home, dropping out of school and falling out with everyone for a while. The girl was seriously mentally ill with anorexia, youngest child, very indulged, wealthy parents so they were completely useless. The course of BIL's whole life was altered and not for the better.
Im not sure if anything would have worked in all honesty. There comes a time when you have to step back and let them make their own mistakes, even if its painful, because if you keep the relationship with your child, then you have more chance of actually being able to guide them through it. My relationship wasnt as toxic as this one seems to be, but it WAS incredibly intense feelings, and my mum has told me that she felt that she would have lost me if she came down too hard, when I sometimes wish she had tried harder. I dont think this situation is winnable.

I think a big talk with the son is in order. try and re-set the issue.
Tell him that youve decided that youre going to step back. That you have a lot of concerns about how this is going, but youre not going to stop them. Talk about what it is he is wanting from this. Is he wanting to move in to hers. Is he thinking of getting a job and moving out? Does he just want to be able to stay there once or twice a week? Does he REALLY want to give up on his friends and personal hobbies?
Tell him that you expect a certain level of respect and some of the things she has said about you are both wrong and unfair, and you can see she has a tendency to be hysterical and hyper emotional and you hope that he never feels that he cant stand up for himself or his friends or family, but that youll always be there for him.

Its worth remembering that this is very unlikely to be a long term relationship. This level of limerance rarely lasts. It burns itself out as quick as it ignites

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 19/04/2021 10:36

@Branleuse

as much as i think this is serious, I think whats happened now is theyve become starcrossed lovers and you have been positioned as the gatekeeper of their love story. Youre actually more at risk of losing him, and you might want to consider a dfferent strategy, as obviously at 16, he could just up and leave home if he wanted to - thats what I did, and I regret it now, but if those two are in some sort of limerence, then youre fighting a losing battle, and your relationship with your son will depend on how you play this
This would be my concern too @Branleuse - that they're star-crossed lovers, and they have to overcome obstacles to be together etc. etc. all fits a very dramatic and intense narrative which seems to match their relationship as portrayed here.

Unfortunately, the 'learn from his own mistakes' - as you mentioned in another post - may include one or both of them harming themselves, or murdering the mother. That's pretty next level.

For me @workworkworkugh, that's the angle I'd be pushing. Restraining order, officer's details, social services, Dr and counsellor for your son. Be very, very aware of other methods they are using to communicate.

How was the death threat worded? Has she basically told the police it was a joke, do you think? You say he was hysterical - is he prone to that level of emotion, or is this new.

Tigertigertigertiger · 19/04/2021 10:46

Police