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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childless Aunty

276 replies

superfly25 · 24/12/2020 17:56

I'm a childless Aunty not by choice. Just never happened for me. After shelling out on gifts for nieces and nephews am gutted to not have a single present from my siblings. Even my Grandparents only now buy for the Great Grandchildren. AIBU to expect even a small gift or card?

OP posts:
ktp100 · 24/12/2020 22:47

I'm sorry, OP. That sounds awfully insensitive of them.

I'd be tempted to purposefully downgrade presents and buy myself something fabulous next year.

VulvaPerson · 24/12/2020 22:53

Ah I feel bad for you OP.

We don't 'do' presents for adults, but this is because we each have children so it makes more sense to us to spoil the kids a bit more. However, until my brother had his child, we would by for him as it seemed pretty shitty not to given he was buying for ours. Seems a bit mean t just take from you and not even cnsider getting you anything.

Kokosrieksts · 24/12/2020 22:56

^ In my family adults either buy for each other, or agree not to. Adults buy for children. Children are individuals, separate from their parents. A present for a child does not require that the parent of the child buys for the giver.
^

I agree to this.

davekim · 25/12/2020 00:32

Sorry to read this op. My DS is in your shoes. We buy her presents from the kids and from us, it's only fair and we are very close.

Fredshred · 25/12/2020 00:56

@Kokosrieksts

^ In my family adults either buy for each other, or agree not to. Adults buy for children. Children are individuals, separate from their parents. A present for a child does not require that the parent of the child buys for the giver. ^

I agree to this.

Of course. No thought or appreciation on your behalf and saves you money. Nice.
CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 25/12/2020 01:00

That’s rubbish 😔
My aunt has no children but gets gifts from everyone..... nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews etc.
Why on earth not!

Sinful8 · 25/12/2020 01:02

@1Morewineplease

I feel so sad for you. That is quite disrespectful if I'm honest. I'd say, next year, something along the lines of " I won't be buying presents next Christmas and will be making a donation to my favourite charity" then make a donation and treat yourself.
So your solution is punish the kids?
Shouldhavedoneitsooner · 25/12/2020 01:41

It's not about the gift itself. It is about your family members taking the time to think of you - whether that is writing a card, making a gift or sending a parcel. I think it is particularly poor show if family are together when childless members are expected to give gifts to the children and receive nothing. If there are couples giving gifts to each other then it is feasible that a childless person could not have a single present when everyone else does. How hurtful! Children need to be taught to be thoughtful and think of others not just to receive. Besides which it's fun. I remember the gift giving as a child just as much as what I got. If family are together then children should reciprocate gifts with something small.

Original poster
superfly25 · 25/12/2020 01:51

@Shouldhavedoneitsooner

It's not about the gift itself. It is about your family members taking the time to think of you - whether that is writing a card, making a gift or sending a parcel. I think it is particularly poor show if family are together when childless members are expected to give gifts to the children and receive nothing. If there are couples giving gifts to each other then it is feasible that a childless person could not have a single present when everyone else does. How hurtful! Children need to be taught to be thoughtful and think of others not just to receive. Besides which it's fun. I remember the gift giving as a child just as much as what I got. If family are together then children should reciprocate gifts with something small.
It's exactly this! Taking the time to think of me and not take me for granted
OP posts:
Everyonetakeiteasy · 25/12/2020 02:31

I too vote for no pressies next year and send a card to everyone saying how you liked their idea to stop doing presents in 2020 and how you're looking forward to getting together for a meal instead... Some people are clueless to matters of the heart and family.

Taikoo · 25/12/2020 03:08

@cansu

Surely, if you don't buy for your siblings then they don't buy for you. Buying gifts for kids is different. You buy gifts for children because they are kids and it is a nice thing to do. If you don't do adult presents then the fact that you don't have children is kind of not relevant.
Bingo.

Didn't take long today.....
The contrarians are out in force already.

SageRosemary · 25/12/2020 03:23

My siblings and I don't exchange gifts, except we buy a gift for my brother who is childless and he buys for nieces and nephews.

Selttan · 25/12/2020 03:29

I'm a childless Auntie by choice and for years my sister wouldn't even get my niece and nephew to do a card for me which is really all I want.
Now they are older they sort out presents themselves which is lovely.
I'm also an honorable Auntie to my two best friends kids, one is so lovely and gives me a small thoughtful gift from her boys and also videos them opening the gifts and saying thank you.
The other one radio silence.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 25/12/2020 04:03

Yanbu. I still buy for adult siblings as well as their kids.

MaryShelley1818 · 25/12/2020 04:03

My little boy is extremely lucky and gets presents from family but also quite a few close friends.
I buy for friends children however I have one childless friend and DH has two who really spoil him, and we make a big bag of goodies/hamper each for the three of them so they know how much we appreciate it. These gifts are from DS.

kowari · 25/12/2020 04:58

Of course. No thought or appreciation on your behalf and saves you money. Nice.
This is what I would think of people who would stop buying for a sibling when they have a child and just buy for the child, when their sibling is still buying for them.

Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:02

@kowari

In my family adults either buy for each other, or agree not to. Adults buy for children. Children are individuals, separate from their parents. A present for a child does not require that the parent of the child buys for the giver.
Which is a brilliant system. If you have children. If you don’t, it’s not.
Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:07

@sinful8
That’s a very emotive accusation. It’s the parents who have a choice here. Behave less selfishly and your children benefit. They have control over whether the child continues to get gifts (that cost money) from childless relatives because they can decide whether to spend that money back. So their children feel loved by wider family. If the parents don’t value that, then don’t reciprocate. If auntie had kids they would be spending so why is her childlessness extra cash in their greedy pockets???!

Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:13

@kowari

Of course. No thought or appreciation on your behalf and saves you money. Nice. This is what I would think of people who would stop buying for a sibling when they have a child and just buy for the child, when their sibling is still buying for them.
Why? Parents want their children to receive gifts. Their children. So their children are happy. And to thank the person who bothered to spend time and money on their child they should either buy for that persons children or if they have no children, for the person. The parents get the joy of Children. The rest of us would like the joy of opening our gifts thank you.
VulvaPerson · 25/12/2020 07:15

Which is a brilliant system. If you have children. If you don’t, it’s not.

Yes, it seems mean to do it if one of you does not have kids. We do this now, just easier really. But before my brother had kids, we bought for him, actively told him at tmes not to buy for us, only the kids and he didn't listen mind, so we upped what we got him instead so things were more 'even'. Weirdly, though saying that, it wasn't about the money as such, but it was at the same time as it felt awful he was spending so much and getting less in return, though he says he never saw it like that.

mrscampbellblackagain · 25/12/2020 07:22

Funny how the 'lets just buy for the children' is always suggested by those with children isn't it?

It is just mean not to buy a little something for a childless person who is buying gifts for your children. And it is important to teach children the importance of giving not just receiving.

No wonder there are so many posts on here from women who get shit/no presents from their partners/husbands.

Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:32

@VulvaPerson

Which is a brilliant system. If you have children. If you don’t, it’s not.

Yes, it seems mean to do it if one of you does not have kids. We do this now, just easier really. But before my brother had kids, we bought for him, actively told him at tmes not to buy for us, only the kids and he didn't listen mind, so we upped what we got him instead so things were more 'even'. Weirdly, though saying that, it wasn't about the money as such, but it was at the same time as it felt awful he was spending so much and getting less in return, though he says he never saw it like that.

Exactly - how anyone can let a childless sibling send gifts to their children and do nothing in return baffles me. That they can’t see how entitled and selfish they are just reminds me that having children makes some people utterly self absorbed.

My siblings decided to ‘just buy for the children’ a few years ago. I decided to interpret that as those with children buy for each other’s children. Now I only buy for my parents and my childless sibling and my own childless aunties. My money goes further and they all reciprocate. The parents seemed grumpy about it and explained that they meant I should still buy for the children but I said that didn’t work for me. This was after a decade of spending £50 on each of the adults and children so £200-£250 per branch of the family and getting a £50 gift in return. A bit more when I met my partner, who also initially got a gift. And I accepted that, because they had children and Christmas is an expensive time so I didn’t downgrade them to £12.50 each to balance it up financially.

But I don’t subscribe to the generosity of the childless auntie any more - my siblings buy nothing for the children’s grandparents FFS so are selfish gits as far as I’m concerned. One day one of the grandparents will die and the other will be alone and the selfish parents will let them sit on Christmas Day with no gifts. What is that teaching the children?

And the children will be just fine. I told my siblings they should use the money saved on my gifts to buy extra for the children and to tell the children that’s why they have the extra gifts - so it’s effectively from me anyway. They kids also know it was their parents idea to ‘only buy for the children’.

One day the children will inherit all my wealth - that’s quite enough giving I think! They get cards and letters from me. And when they leave home and are childless, they will get gifts. If they reciprocate they will continue to get gifts!

gerispringer · 25/12/2020 07:36

We do secret santa for the adults and then present for the kids, That means each adult gets one decent present. Works well.

Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:37

@mrscampbellblackagain

Funny how the 'lets just buy for the children' is always suggested by those with children isn't it?

It is just mean not to buy a little something for a childless person who is buying gifts for your children. And it is important to teach children the importance of giving not just receiving.

No wonder there are so many posts on here from women who get shit/no presents from their partners/husbands.

Always!

And the parents convince themselves it’s fair ‘because they’re children’.

So every time there is a thread like this I think it’s important to open the eyes of the selfish parents! They genuinely are so self centred they don’t think about those waking up to no gifts at all today.

They have they joy of their children. They need nothing more. The rest of us want Chanel. Or Tattinger. Or even a cheap box of biscuits. Because the thought does count.

Merry Christmas to all the Childless Aunties!!

Mmn654123 · 25/12/2020 07:38

@gerispringer

We do secret santa for the adults and then present for the kids, That means each adult gets one decent present. Works well.
Excellent plan!