Mil standing at window

[Spied]

Just received a text from mil telling me herself and fil would be visiting in the morning to stand at the window and watch the dc open their presents (of which none are from them as they don't do gifts. They put money in an envelope).
Would it be unreasonable to keep the blinds shut and ignore any door knocking?

@SisterlyCare

And if DH is uncomfortable but doesn’t want to upset his parents, that’s still his decision to make...

And that discussion still needs to be had.. agreeing to disagree on how he handles things is mature..

He might say “I’m sorry that this makes you uncomfortable, I still don’t want to disappoint my parents on this one as I feel it seems to mean a lot to them contrary to what you believe.. is there a way we can meet in the middle ro make you more comfortable about it??”

The OP might still say NO. But there needs to be adult give and take.. and there needs to be direct communication with the in laws..

Otherwise, DH is at fault here and OP is taking it out on the wrong people

You are right that the OP should have communicated better with her DP and put a stop to the circus. Which is why I said I knew she would give in, because us women often do for peace. That's why I said my DH would know what makes me uncomfortable and if there was a rather bizarre request like this, he would know in no uncertain terms that it was a non-starter. But he wouldn't even pass that request onto me, because he would have said no to it himself. But that is what I meant by he would know in no uncertain terms. Because I am no pushover, nor is he. I respect his boundaries with things to do with my mum, and he with me. Women need to have the backbone to stand up and say what boundaries are acceptable and what aren't.

@SisterlyCare

Sad when GP are so cold

Are the GP “cold” to their son or their grandkids?
There is no obligation from OP to be in love with them but likewise is true.. there is no obligation on them to be in love with her.

Only expectation is to respect each other..

It could be that OP is uncomfortable but she chose to make that compromise for DHs sake and her kids sake..

How would the grandparents know that they’re being disrespectful of her if her DH doesn’t know how to communicate directly that “we don’t find it suitable ?!”

Clearly I meant the behaviour to their GC

Villifying the OP who bent over backwards and was rebuffed so the ILs could passive-aggressively manipulate the OP and make her and the DGC (that they couldn't even be bothered with) uncomfortable will not make the ILs appalling behaviour any better. I think the ILs are going to learn the hard way that you don't abuse and manipulate people then ignore your GC and be welcomed in their future. They blotted their copybooks and will have to live with the consequences of their actions.

Agree with everything you said Kalula. OP gave them an opportunity and they turned it down for their own plans that had nothing to do with their family whatsoever. Their plans fell through and they chose to dictate instead of consider that their son’s family may have other plans for the day. Son calls them up as they asked him to do, telling them that their grandchildren were awake and they complain that it’s too early and then expect grandchildren to wait for them. Finally make it to their home hours later (yet they are only a 20 min car ride) and can’t even be bothered to talk to the grandchildren they wanted to supposedly see so much. All of this could have been avoided if they had taken OP’s offer in the first place. They cared more about their dog than their son and grandchildren since that was the excuse they gave for not taking OP’s offer to meet up.

[quote Kalula]@VinylDetective People are entitled to have their boundaries and say what they won't accept in a relationship. If your DP would do the opposite of your request, that says more about your relationship than it does about the rest of us. All people are entitled to have their boundaries respected, and no wife should feel she has to be made uncomfortable and her children be made uncomfortable just to 'keep the peace' because PILs are manipulative.

I'm happy I'm in my relationship, tbh, and not yours. Having a spouse that respects your boundaries, doesn't expect you and innocent children to put up with manipulative PILs just to keep the peace, and doesn't set out to do the exact opposite like a spiteful child when it's something you have said makes you uncomfortable, is what I have, unfortunately not everyone else is as lucky.[/quote]
The point I was making whistled right over your head, didn’t it? It’s the “telling” that’s wrong. No reasonable adult tells their partner, they discuss, negotiate and reach agreement. My bloke would definitely stick his heels in if I told him what to do, so would I for that matter. Not out of spite but because one half of a relationship doesn’t get to dictate to the other.

I'd of loved my mum or mil to watch the kids threw the window it would be really funny has we live in a block of flats they would have to stand on ladders.

Kalula

Honestly the weird dynamic is purely between OP and her DP.

I could easily see where the in laws got confused and I certainly can find ways to excuse them as something other than power play..

They wanted to join their grandkids at the highlight of their day.. they just didn’t overthink how it coming across to their daughter in law abs they honestly don’t need to..

They can make weird requests all they want. They can say they are cold if they want “so sorry mum, I wish I could let you in and hug you. If it wasn’t for the damn rules”..

Why are we policing everything mother in laws do and say and giving it a nasty label? Is it bevshse she should be wise enough to tiptoe around?

If it were the father in law sayinf to his son “I’m cold” or the ops mother this wouldn’t be a big deal.

It’s only being called manipulation because of the pressure and guilt these words place on the OP.. the pressure abs guilt of being the person to push for things when her DH hasn’t even declared what he wanted..

She shouldn’t feel guilty or pressured. And neither should the mother..

The bloody DH has one easy straight forward job to do.. abs everyone else in this is innocent.

Damn... even if the MIL was OW she would’ve got more excuses on here abs everyone would’ve said “you have a DH problem”.

I don’t even see it as a DH problem. I see it as a relationship problem which both OP and DH are responsible for.

OP needs to learn to express what’s important to her in clear direct terms and quit being passive aggressive..

DH should want to listen.

If one of the two isn’t working, the mother in law has every right to be confused abs not be bothered with overthinking this shit show abs just focus on asking for what she wants directly..

And god forbid she might have emotions attached to her requests and be a bit pushy about it, bevshse none of us ever act determined on something that means a lot to us?

Unless there is a backstory, I haven’t seen enough here to judge MIL for being not worth excusing..

The only thing that’s clear from this thread is the shit communication and I’m going to bet the passive aggressive tone of the OP plays into that.

The very least that you can do invite them round to watch up eat your lunch!!

All of this could have been avoided if they had taken OP’s offer in the first place.

Why should they take the OPs suggestion as opposed to their own sons offer ? The familt consists of both of them and their relationship is stronger with their son and they might’ve not realised that a different offer by OP meant that DH and her have made an agreement..

Or maybe indeed they might’ve thought OP is macromanaginf her DHs wishes and they want to not facilitate that dynamic and instead hear from him what HE wants

All could be true

Poor grandparents, I would have made my children wait a few hours till their grandparents arrive. Would have showed the children respect and that grandparents are special. Can you imagine the poor grandmother getting a call at 6.30am. OP must have been delighted that the children woke up early and didn’t even make a slight effort to make the children wait.
Life is short, be nice, especially as those grandparents raised your DP and he doesn’t only belong to you just like your children, there would be no them without the grandparents.
But ignore me! Respecting grandparents even if they are a bit crap at times and not ‘full on’ is just an old concept now. No wonder we have the most care homes compared to other cultures!

Just trying to imagine them at our front windows, as the front of the house us elevated. They'd need pogo sticks :o

I think it sounds lovely having grandparents that want to see their grandchildren happy.

Their son did not 'offer'. THEY DEMANDED.

The OP offered to see them IN PERSON. They chose staring through a window instead. What GP would choose staring in a window in place of seeing and speaking in person? It's obvious the dynamic and powerplays here, and it is obvious the GPs are and have been attempting to micromanage their DIL.

If the fact they IGNORED their own grandchildren (who they supposedly came to see) doesn't prove to you just who are the micromanaging manipulators here, then, I don't know what to say, but part of me wonders if you are the ILs. Because you cannot possible argue your stance, while knowing the GP IGNORED their own grandchildren! That basically blows your entire arguments - all of them - out of the water. There is no comeback argument for that.

Had to check back for the update. It didn't disappoint 😂. Hilarious. Thanks for the cheer, OP! Have a lovely day.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan RTFT The grandparents refused an offer to meet them all in person. And when they did come (after whingeing about the children getting up early - normal for children), they took TWO HOURS to get to their home that was only 20 mins away, and then, ignored the grandchildren!

So really they just wanted to see DH 🙄

I read the original post stating situation and thought, if this doesn't go the way OP wants there'll be drip feeding until it does. As per usual on MN of course

Why should they take the OPs suggestion as opposed to their own sons offer ?

Their son did call them up like they wanted and they assumed said grandchildren would be up later. I would think considering the ages of said grandchildren, grandparents would know that most kids are in school at the time they thought said grandchildren would wake up on top of them being excited for Christmas. Grandparents complained about the time and then showed up about three hours later. Why should their grandchildren have to wait until they showed up when said grandparents hadn’t cared to watch them open gifts in years? They made a choice and expected to be catered to when their plans fell through and when their son called them, they still complained because it was too early for them. If they were such doting grandparents, they would know these things or at least talk to the grandchildren they supposedly wanted to see so bad. I don’t care what kind of dynamic it is behind the scenes between OP and them or their son and them, no decent grandparent just comes by and doesn’t talk to their grandchildren especially after making such a fuss over seeing them. Why make a fuss over seeing them open gifts if you aren’t even going to talk to them? What message does that send to the grandchildren from their grandparents?

@Kalula honestly who cares about all the technicalities of who offered what, who made OP in charge of the grandparents and their son and what should happen? I feel sorry for the husband as if OP is this petty she must be so annoying to live with, picking apart each thing and making small things big.
I actually don’t care anymore about this thread I’m just happy myself, my sister in law and most of my friends compromise with difficult inlaws (yes my own parents can be difficult) and don’t have an innate vendetta against them. Again it must be said these types of wives and women are first in line to take money or inheritance.
Get over yourself OP no one wants to steal your Xmas. The reason why the grandparents planned to have their own Xmas is probably because they know you’re a huffy person and difficult to be around. This also shows they’re quite secure in their lives and don’t think their grandchildren are the only happiness in the world (good for them). Don’t push them too much, you wouldn’t want all the money going to the other siblings .....
about them completely ignoring the grandchildren ... do you really believe the OP? I don’t, even if they were ignoring them, they were probably just a bit shocked by OP’s silly faces she was making at the fact that they got a call to rush at 6.30 on Xmas day!
Booo go away grinch ladies.... honestly do you never think karma is a thing ?

And god forbid she might have emotions attached to her requests and be a bit pushy about it, bevshse none of us ever act determined on something that means a lot to us?

What emotion?
Thats the crux of it.
The GP have shown zero grandparently love or emotion to the GC .
They ignored them on the doorstep and hadnt even planned to see them until their plans had cancelled.
Maybe this is normal in your family?

Calling wanting to see their grandchildren open their Christmas presents in the cold manipulation is laughable! You lot need to get a life... reading into everything little gesture and twisted it to your ways of doing things. Can’t wait for when your children get older and you want to see your GC and your DIL or SIL completely twist anything you suggest. Will be fun for you all to overthink each and every move when you’re GP yourself. ‘Oh shall I offer help? Maybe if I do she’ll think I’m trying to be the mother’ ‘shall I make a meal to help with the new baby? Oh wait no she might think I’m saying she can’t cope’ GOSH what a headache ! I couldn’t be bothered with all that! Good luck to you all! What petty lives

@DeeCeeCherry I just went back and read all posts between OP's first post and her second post, and 80% even back then agreed with OP. Even before the 'drip feed'.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan So you're making value judgements about the OP, and don't even care about the facts or technicalities? The GPs are the ones who were petty and riding roughshod over the OP. The OP meekly gave in. She even offered to see the GPs after lunch, in person. Oh, no, but that wasn't good enough. She bent over backwards. They then arrived 2 hours later, and then, then they didn't even bother to talk to the grandkids? How tf is any of this remotely the OP's fault? The GPs look truly petty, immature and spiteful. They come across as bad here. Sounds like OP had their measure, and the GPs surely are getting their karma.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan

Calling wanting to see their grandchildren open their Christmas presents in the cold manipulation is laughable! You lot need to get a life... reading into everything little gesture and twisted it to your ways of doing things. Can’t wait for when your children get older and you want to see your GC and your DIL or SIL completely twist anything you suggest. Will be fun for you all to overthink each and every move when you’re GP yourself. ‘Oh shall I offer help? Maybe if I do she’ll think I’m trying to be the mother’ ‘shall I make a meal to help with the new baby? Oh wait no she might think I’m saying she can’t cope’ GOSH what a headache ! I couldn’t be bothered with all that! Good luck to you all! What petty lives

That's it exactly. There is just far too much overthinking here and not enough communication.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan Maybe you should actually READ the OP's posts, you have it all wrong! The GPs didn't even BOTHER interacting with the grandkids! So why did they bother??? Instead of going off and telling people to 'get a life', how about actually reading the OP's responses? If you did, you certainly would not have the take that you have.

I think there are a few MILs on here who automatically take the view that all MILs are pure as the driven snow, all DILs are wrong, and even if the MILs are clearly batshit crazy, manipulative and self-absorbed, as these are, it is still all the DILs fault!

When in doubt, refer back to paragraph one: everything is the DILs fault!

@Kalula are you OP’s toxic best mate ? honestly I read it all and she just comes across as being difficult on purpose. Overthinking everything and trying to push what she thinks is right and changing plans to how she thinks would be best. Wonder if anyone even bothered to ask the poor husband. I say get a life because Urm let’s see people are dying right now, especially elder people and honestly who cares how odd the request was, just be a nice person and say yes for Xmas only! People are hugging through plastic for goodness sake so who cares if it was odd? It was a one off for Xmas, OP could have just gone along ..... ooo but how dare anyone else hold power over the family ...