Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil standing at window

419 replies

Spied · 24/12/2020 11:47

Just received a text from mil telling me herself and fil would be visiting in the morning to stand at the window and watch the dc open their presents (of which none are from them as they don't do gifts. They put money in an envelopeHmm).
Would it be unreasonable to keep the blinds shut and ignore any door knocking?

OP posts:
TruJay · 24/12/2020 20:02

Urgh I’m in the same position! She can see everyone else in the family at social events or in their houses but she can only stand at our window on xmas morning to see the children because Covid.
I honestly want to tell her not to bother, we don’t have the best relationship as my children are always an afterthought whereas every other child in the family and even others that aren’t are treated so wonderfully in comparison.
I don’t want to have her fucking staring through the window on our Christmas morning! I’ve told DH he’s facilitating it as I just want to tell her to —fuckoff— give it a miss.
She never sees our children and she lives over the bloody road. I shit you not her previous excuses has been that we (DH and I) love them so much that they don’t really need any extra love from them Hmm

Nottherealslimshady · 24/12/2020 20:05

@TornadoOfSouls

There must be lots of psychology theses on why women hate their DP's/DH's mother.

Here’s my thesis: it’s often/usually because husbands don’t step up and communicate with their own parents, instead leaving their wives to do all the communication/wifework/heavy lifting with the in-laws, as well as managing the family’s relationship with their own parents.

Think you hit the nail on the head!

I'll add, you've had a lifetime to set boundaries with your own family, my mum would never consider doing something like this, she would know I'd be uncomfortable. But you haven't had that chance with MIL who then tends to overstep boundaries.

I'm very lucky in that my MIL is very careful not to overstep boundaries which actually means I have to reassure her alot that she is welcome, but I never have to argue that she isn't welcome Grin

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/12/2020 20:20

This actually made me cry. I'm a grandparent, and not being able to spend time with my DC has been the hardest part of all of this mess. I will be watching them open their presents (from us) in my garden tomorrow. It will be raining, and cold. We will have umbrellas and big coats and make the most of it. It is so fucking sad.

What happened to being kind? Be nice, OP. It doesn't really cost much. This year is such shit, and has brought out the worst in so many people. Don't be that person.

paintfairy · 24/12/2020 20:25

I think some of the comments are harsh. If you were meant to be seeing them anyway, but now they can't come due to covid rules etc then it would seem more understandable to say- do you know what, we'd still like to nip round for 10 minutes to say hello through the window, if that's OK?

But if they weren't coming anyway, it's a bit odd (do you see them usually?).

And no one is saying giving money is bad. But it's a bit weird giving money and then wanting to watch them open other people's presents? What if all other people had given money too like them? They're would be nothing to watch?

And if they are doing it wanting an awkward invite inside against covid wishes, that isn't on either.

Dee1975 · 24/12/2020 20:25

I’m not sure I’d want them coming to watch them open Santa, but my mum is coming to stand in the garden and watch them open the presents from her. Thought that was the best under the circumstances. She will be on her own the rest of the day. It’s nice for her to have a ‘little bit’ of Christmas!

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 24/12/2020 20:25

I'd just say that you don't know what time the kids will be getting up at to open gifts so probably better leave it.

GrapeLipBalm · 24/12/2020 20:30

I thought this was going to be about a put upon DIL hosting Christmas while their MIL stood looking out the window Grin

RandomUser18282 · 24/12/2020 20:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

VinylDetective · 24/12/2020 20:34

@Dee1975

I’m not sure I’d want them coming to watch them open Santa, but my mum is coming to stand in the garden and watch them open the presents from her. Thought that was the best under the circumstances. She will be on her own the rest of the day. It’s nice for her to have a ‘little bit’ of Christmas!
If she lives alone she could bubble with you and have a whole Christmas, not just a little bit. As a pp’s said, the level of cruelty on this thread is breathtaking. I do hope you all reap what you sow when you have grandchildren.
MaliceOrgan · 24/12/2020 20:39

Do a rain dance tonight.

Original poster
Spied · 24/12/2020 20:52

Thanks for all these replies, support and words of wisdom.
I really am a reasonable person and I feel deeply sad about people who are missing spending time with their families this Christmas.
My pils however were never going to be spending time with us so I'm afraid I don't feel very sad about them finding themselves at a loose end and imposing themselves somewhat on our morning festivities.
Our offer of a short visit in their garden after lunch has been declined as they 'may be out with ddog'. Fair enough.
We have been told to text as soon as dc wake so they can rush over ( 20 min car journey).
DP agreedHmm.
I'm not wanting to cause an argument so I'm saying nothing.
I'll report back in the coming days...

Have a lovely Christmas everyone.

OP posts:
Aspiringmatriarch · 24/12/2020 20:55

I think it's pretty normal for 2020 tbh. Presumably there will be some sort of interaction, not just the two of them standing stony-faced outside for a bit before leaving.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 24/12/2020 20:55

have a lovely Christmas, @Spied.

Sertchgi123 · 24/12/2020 22:33

@Gwenhwyfar

"It's only on Mumsnet, in real life most people get along with their families. That's my experience anyway."

Come on. Mother in law jokes are based on something aren't they, though those are mainly by men about their wives' mothers.
I know people in real life who don't get along with their mils, though it might not be obvious straight away.

Yes there will always be some people that don’t get on but honestly the number of MIL threads on Mumsnet is quite frankly, ridiculous.
PortiasPlumUpduffedPudding · 24/12/2020 22:40

Agreed,

saraclara · 24/12/2020 22:49

@Gwenhwyfar

" when they have not been socially distancing at all so will put OP and her family at risk."

But OP has children at school. How is it possible that the in-laws are in contact with more people than a whole class of children and their families?

Good point
CherryPieface · 24/12/2020 22:52

Have a lovely Christmas @Spied

Nottherealslimshady · 24/12/2020 22:59

That's even worse! I'd refuse. You've offered to see them later. I would feel so so uncomfortable and would hate every second of present opening with someone staring through the window. They never wanted to spend Christmas with you, they're just bored because they have nothing else to do. If they wanted to see the kids they'd walk the dog in the morning and come see you in the afternoon.

Viviennemary · 24/12/2020 23:01

How grim and ungrateful. If it was me there would be no money in an envelope next year.

TokyoSushi · 24/12/2020 23:13

Late to this thread but I would absolutely hate this! So your DC wake up, then you have to text them and everybody waits for them to drive 20 minutes to come and watch you all though the window?! That's just odd!

I'm sure pp have said but can you Zoom/Facetime/Similar?

Mountainpika · 24/12/2020 23:27

Tell them you're going to a friend's house with the children and their presents to open them. Give them the address - a random one. Then they can go and peer through the windows of complete strangers.

SisterlyCare · 25/12/2020 00:21

So many pp have unresolved issues with their in laws and are passive aggressively taking it out here on this poor loving grandma of OPs children.

It’s disturbing

FabbyMagic · 25/12/2020 00:36

Good luck!

phoenixrosehere · 25/12/2020 00:57

YANBU.

They had no intention in visiting but now want to stop by because their previous plans were ruined. On top of that, they don’t even ask, they are telling you that they are with no consideration for your plans? Very rude.

I’m really getting tired of the excuse that it is such a bad year or time for people so others can and should be able to get away with being rude because of it and it being Christmas. It would be different if in-laws had intended on coming in the first place but they didn’t and their priorities were elsewhere. Who wants to be someone’s last resort? I’d be annoyed regardless if it was my parents or in-laws if seeing their grandchildren was a last resort because their plans were ruined and then wanted to dictate how things were going to go.

Do Christmas as you had planned OP. Good luck!

80sColourfulChristmas · 25/12/2020 01:32

@PandemicPavolova

Op!do what you want... Don't brush hair.. Eat chocolate, give them a cherry wave.. And carry on as normal...

Then bow, shut the curtains, then open them up for the encore, then shut them again...

Xmas Grin