Mil standing at window

[Spied]

Just received a text from mil telling me herself and fil would be visiting in the morning to stand at the window and watch the dc open their presents (of which none are from them as they don't do gifts. They put money in an envelope).
Would it be unreasonable to keep the blinds shut and ignore any door knocking?

Mean Girls thread. Wonder what the H's say about scorn of their Mums then again I suppose they don't know as it's all on the sly.

DeeCeeCherry

I don’t know how I can be married to a guy who I’m not transparent with and not on the same page with if my emotions and bitterness is that intense

Equally if that’s how mean DH feels about my parents just because they wanna pass by and be a part of their grandkids lives then I would honestly have nothing about him to love

I hope this is a small portion of the population

I have in laws who I don’t really like, we had huge tension

But I have compassion about their enthusiasm around their grandkids..

And if I found something unsuitable or inappropriate then I would tell DH as much and be honest about it

Instead of the passive aggressive suggestions here about closing the curtain and being purely mean and disgusting

I’m actually a mother of young toddlers who dislikes her mother in law very much and she knows it and so does DH but the thought of being that mean to her repelled me because it’s a reflection of my lack of humanity and pretty disturbingly two faces whixh I don’t accept

Have some integrity

More so, “honour thy parents”... and if you don’t feel the need to follow those commandments then why on Earth are you celebrating the birth of the one who taught those morals ??

If you don’t believe in Jesus, then why celebrate ?! The irony

@Handsoffstrikesagain

How did it go OP? Merry Christmas everyone 🥳

Merry Christmas

Well, dc were up at 6:15.
DP text his Mum whist we opened our stockings in bed.
6:30 came and went with no reply so he called her. She answered. Panicking.
"God (dp) I nearly had a heart attack when we got a call so early- thought something had happened to someone".
No 'Merry Christmas' no thanks for calling.
She queried why the children would get up so early and seemed really put out as she thought it would be 'around half 8'.
Dp told her she didn't need to come and that we were going downstairs to open our gifts.
We did.
They arrived and declared their arrival with a knock at the door at 9.
Mil looked deflated and asked the dc why they had to get up so early 'at their ages' and told them she had been looking forward to watching them open their gifts.
I replied that we didn't arrange a time and we are happy for dc to get up on Christmas morning whenever they like, reminding her that her ds did let her know we were up.
Cue a sigh and my retreating to the kitchen before I said anything unsavory.
They stayed 20 minutes talking to dp at the door telling him he looked tired, that our car could do with some new tyres and complaining they were cold.
Dc loitered with dp in the doorway being ignored.
No conversation with the dc about Christmas or their gifts despite dd holding her new game she wanted to show them and both dc looking fab in their matching onesies.

So a bit of an anti-climax I'm afraid.
No pay-per view window watching after all.

When you treat someone with a cold shoulder,
Don’t expect them to behave warmly..

People are not idiots

Yeah they’re Glory Grandparents.
Only wanting the nice bits. Not really interested or understanding of how little kids work and definitely not willing to put in any effort that’s not on their terms. Probably regale their friends outright lie with tales of the amazing relationship they have with their grandkids!

It’s their loss and I’m glad they missed the big show lol

@SisterlyCare

DeeCeeCherry

I don’t know how I can be married to a guy who I’m not transparent with and not on the same page with if my emotions and bitterness is that intense

Equally if that’s how mean DH feels about my parents just because they wanna pass by and be a part of their grandkids lives then I would honestly have nothing about him to love

I hope this is a small portion of the population

I have in laws who I don’t really like, we had huge tension

But I have compassion about their enthusiasm around their grandkids..

And if I found something unsuitable or inappropriate then I would tell DH as much and be honest about it

Instead of the passive aggressive suggestions here about closing the curtain and being purely mean and disgusting

I’m actually a mother of young toddlers who dislikes her mother in law very much and she knows it and so does DH but the thought of being that mean to her repelled me because it’s a reflection of my lack of humanity and pretty disturbingly two faces whixh I don’t accept

Have some integrity

More so, “honour thy parents”... and if you don’t feel the need to follow those commandments then why on Earth are you celebrating the birth of the one who taught those morals ??

If you don’t believe in Jesus, then why celebrate ?! The irony

Ooh nice bit of FOG there !

I wouldn’t want this at all, so I can understand your reaction. Especially as they told you that they were going to do it rather than asking if it would be okay.

But I would understand the desire to watch their DGC open their presents. So I would record the moment so that they can enjoy watching it later at a convenient time.

I just knew you would give in and allow it. I knew it. In no uncertain terms would they be told they would be able to do that just to 'save an argument' if it were me. As a saying goes:
"If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself." Clearly your DC got absolutely nothing out that. Far better off to have nipped this in the bud with your DP and ensuring he did not ring his parents at all and 'forgot'.

@SisterlyCare

When you treat someone with a cold shoulder, Don’t expect them to behave warmly..

People are not idiots

Very true! I think the GP will be realising this now and may be regretting their coldness. My MIL is an angel, I love her so much. Shes warm, loving and adores her GC. Sad when GP are so cold .

@Kalula

I just knew you would give in and allow it. I knew it. In no uncertain terms would they be told they would be able to do that just to 'save an argument' if it were me. As a saying goes: "If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war inside yourself." Clearly your DC got absolutely nothing out that. Far better off to have nipped this in the bud with your DP and ensuring he did not ring his parents at all and 'forgot'.

You do know that DPs have minds of their own and most don’t respond well to “being told”? If I “told” mine he’d just do the opposite.

No wonder some of you have such bloody terrible relationships with your spouses and families. There’s no concept of compromise or negotiation. Thank goodness none of you rule the world, we’d be in a constant state of war. The worst of it is this is what you’re passing on to your kids.

I’m sorry they showed little or no interest in your children, OP. That must have made them very sad.

@Spied

So a bit of an anti-climax I'm afraid. No pay-per view window watching after all.

Awww and you had all that popcorn for them I'd love to know what magical kids she had that got up at 8:30 on Christmas haha.

I think the GP will be realising this now and may be regretting their coldness.
My MIL is an angel, I love her so much.
Shes warm, loving and adores her GC.
Sad when GP are so cold .

Glad you agreed with me.
The reciprocation must be true though.

If DIL treats grandparents with a passive aggressive manner and her DH don’t want to bother communicating with his parents directly about things that don’t suit him and instead lets his DW assert his opinions for him through her passive aggressive ways...

Then the poor grandparents will too, feel put out and come across as negative.

If you think reminding that honouring our parents should be the basis to our behaviour -unless otherwise warranted, then honestly why celebrate the birth of Jesus ?? You think his teachings are FOG so what are you exactly celebrating.

Or is this all about gifts and materialism?

@VinylDetective People are entitled to have their boundaries and say what they won't accept in a relationship. If your DP would do the opposite of your request, that says more about your relationship than it does about the rest of us. All people are entitled to have their boundaries respected, and no wife should feel she has to be made uncomfortable and her children be made uncomfortable just to 'keep the peace' because PILs are manipulative.

I'm happy I'm in my relationship, tbh, and not yours. Having a spouse that respects your boundaries, doesn't expect you and innocent children to put up with manipulative PILs just to keep the peace, and doesn't set out to do the exact opposite like a spiteful child when it's something you have said makes you uncomfortable, is what I have, unfortunately not everyone else is as lucky.

That did not come out how I meant it and sounded harsher than I was thinking while typing. What I'm saying is that everyone is entitled to say what they will and won't put up with (ie will or won't put up with being on display like a circus animal so ILs can guilt trip the kids and myself into letting them inside, and confuse the kids), making sure your spouse knows that you will not tolerate yourself and your DC to be used and manipulated like that isn't bossy or controlling, it's about having healthy self-respect, looking out for your children, and having boundaries. Unfortunately women on here too often feel they have to give in just to keep the peace. It never usually ends well long term.

@SisterlyCare

*I think the GP will be realising this now and may be regretting their coldness. My MIL is an angel, I love her so much. Shes warm, loving and adores her GC. Sad when GP are so cold .*

Glad you agreed with me.
The reciprocation must be true though.

If DIL treats grandparents with a passive aggressive manner and her DH don’t want to bother communicating with his parents directly about things that don’t suit him and instead lets his DW assert his opinions for him through her passive aggressive ways...

Then the poor grandparents will too, feel put out and come across as negative.

If you think reminding that honouring our parents should be the basis to our behaviour -unless otherwise warranted, then honestly why celebrate the birth of Jesus ?? You think his teachings are FOG so what are you exactly celebrating.

Or is this all about gifts and materialism?

honouring our parents should be the basis to our behaviour

Not all parents deserve to be honoured. This site has stories that are a testament to that. I believe honour like respect, is earned. And if the ILs are showing no honour or respect to their DIL and grandchildren, then they clearly didn't learn any honour themselves.

The lesson should be to treat everyone with respect; young, old, parents, children, elderly, ILs, etc. Some people like the OP's inlaws are cold, manipulative and self-serving and will be that way regardless. Unfortunately the grandkids pay the price for their GPs behaviour.

making sure your spouse knows that you will not tolerate yourself and your DC to be used and manipulated like that isn't bossy or controlling,

I don’t see manipulation here..

I see grandparents going after what they want.. but their DS hasn’t told them directly that he doesn’t want the same.. and instead, banking on lhis DW to act weirdly and coldly to give a confused message to the grandparents who feel like they’re not doing anything wrong.

There is no manipulation going on.. it’s an easy thing to vilify someone with that accusation just so you don’t deal with the real issue..

That the person you have in common between you doesn’t know how to talk..

If he is uncomfortable.. then why is DW managing his emotions for him?! I find THAT manipulative.

If the kids are uncomfortable, they have a mouth to tell their dad..

If it were me, I would simply say “DH, why didn’t you ask me how I feel before you accepted that your parents peek through our window?”

And then I would have discussed how I feel about it.. and heard how he feels abs how the kids feel and come to a compromise.

This however, sounds like everyone is playing mind games.. and communication is playground quality

@SisterlyCare

*I think the GP will be realising this now and may be regretting their coldness. My MIL is an angel, I love her so much. Shes warm, loving and adores her GC. Sad when GP are so cold .*

Glad you agreed with me.
The reciprocation must be true though.

If DIL treats grandparents with a passive aggressive manner and her DH don’t want to bother communicating with his parents directly about things that don’t suit him and instead lets his DW assert his opinions for him through her passive aggressive ways...

Then the poor grandparents will too, feel put out and come across as negative.

If you think reminding that honouring our parents should be the basis to our behaviour -unless otherwise warranted, then honestly why celebrate the birth of Jesus ?? You think his teachings are FOG so what are you exactly celebrating.

Or is this all about gifts and materialism?

No your guilt tripping is FOG. Im an atheist. I celebrate the Solstice.

And if DH is uncomfortable but doesn’t want to upset his parents, that’s still his decision to make...

And that discussion still needs to be had.. agreeing to disagree on how he handles things is mature..

He might say “I’m sorry that this makes you uncomfortable, I still don’t want to disappoint my parents on this one as I feel it seems to mean a lot to them contrary to what you believe.. is there a way we can meet in the middle ro make you more comfortable about it??”

The OP might still say NO. But there needs to be adult give and take.. and there needs to be direct communication with the in laws..

Otherwise, DH is at fault here and OP is taking it out on the wrong people

I mean it was an odd request to start with so I’m not surprised it ended so oddly.

I could understand if they were watching young children open presents they have gifted them. To want to want pre teens opens general presents from other people strikes me as unusual.

@Spied

So a bit of an anti-climax I'm afraid. No pay-per view window watching after all.

So what you're saying is...they were no loss to the kids' experiences of Christmas morning. Sounds like they were only after the elderly version of an instagram moment. 😉

Sad when GP are so cold

Are the GP “cold” to their son or their grandkids?
There is no obligation from OP to be in love with them but likewise is true.. there is no obligation on them to be in love with her.

Only expectation is to respect each other..

It could be that OP is uncomfortable but she chose to make that compromise for DHs sake and her kids sake..

How would the grandparents know that they’re being disrespectful of her if her DH doesn’t know how to communicate directly that “we don’t find it suitable ?!”

@SisterlyCare

*I think the GP will be realising this now and may be regretting their coldness. My MIL is an angel, I love her so much. Shes warm, loving and adores her GC. Sad when GP are so cold .*

Glad you agreed with me.
The reciprocation must be true though.

If DIL treats grandparents with a passive aggressive manner and her DH don’t want to bother communicating with his parents directly about things that don’t suit him and instead lets his DW assert his opinions for him through her passive aggressive ways...

Then the poor grandparents will too, feel put out and come across as negative.

If you think reminding that honouring our parents should be the basis to our behaviour -unless otherwise warranted, then honestly why celebrate the birth of Jesus ?? You think his teachings are FOG so what are you exactly celebrating.

Or is this all about gifts and materialism?

I couldn't have a more different take from you.

ILs seem passive-aggressive, OP seems meek, and her DP seems to not care at all.

OP said: DP really couldn't care less whether they stand there or not, in fact, he'd probably invite them in.
They know this.

Hence the clear manipulation on the part of the ILs. The ILs also said per OP's last post: "complaining they were cold." ie, again, clear manipulation to be let in. Exactly as OP said, and her DP would have let them in.

The ILs didn't ask to come over, they passive-aggressively said they were coming over. Demanding to be called when they are opening the presents. In the end, they never paid any attention to their grandchildren. Per OP: "Dc loitered with dp in the doorway being ignored.
No conversation with the dc about Christmas or their gifts despite dd holding her new game she wanted to show them and both dc looking fab in their matching onesies."

So it is was purely a power play because the OP had said she was uncomfortable due to them associating with many people.

OP also stated that she was uncomfortable - being made into a circus animal to gawk at and order around (my own phrasing). - I'll feel uncomfortable.
Dc will feel pressured and uncomfortable.
DP will feel uncomfortable.
Hanging in the air will be the unsaid notion from all that I should just let them in.

OP has also stated that the ILs THEMSELVES turned down an opportunity to spend actual time with them, instead chose to stand on their doorstep and gawk and make everyone uncomfortable.
Our offer of a short visit in their garden after lunch has been declined as they 'may be out with ddog'.

In other words, the ILs were not truly interested in spending time with their GC, an offer to see them after lunch was rebuffed by the ILs. And when they came to the doorstep, they ignored the GC.

So, yes, you are very right that:
^When you treat someone with a cold shoulder,
Don’t expect them to behave warmly..

People are not idiots^

Villifying the OP who bent over backwards and was rebuffed so the ILs could passive-aggressively manipulate the OP and make her and the DGC (that they couldn't even be bothered with) uncomfortable will not make the ILs appalling behaviour any better. I think the ILs are going to learn the hard way that you don't abuse and manipulate people then ignore your GC and be welcomed in their future. They blotted their copybooks and will have to live with the consequences of their actions.

what a weird thing to do

they were actualy told their gc were up and ready to open their presents then when they arrive 2 hours later are shcked they didnt wait for them but say aboslutly nothing to their gc

are they always this obnoxious op