Mil standing at window

[Spied]

Just received a text from mil telling me herself and fil would be visiting in the morning to stand at the window and watch the dc open their presents (of which none are from them as they don't do gifts. They put money in an envelope).
Would it be unreasonable to keep the blinds shut and ignore any door knocking?

@Feedingthebirds1

And as far as I'm concerned, a cash gift for that age child is perfect and it's still a gift.

Cash in an envelope, that they can spend after Christmas, yes.

A bank transfer in November that the DCs never see and can't spend because the GPs insist that it's saved, not so much.

In years to come the material presents will largely be gone and forgotten and this cash that accumulates will hopefully be appreciated far more than it seems to be now. Bigger picture needed here rather than just valuing stuff to unwrap! My PIL give all their grandchildren money for Christmas and birthdays and it is to be saved. The children are grateful, know that it will be really useful when they are older and will be glad they had that instead of even more toys!

It's the telling you rather than discussing it that would bother me as well as it seeming they weren't bothered about seeing their grandchildren before on Christmas but the one year their normal plans are scuppered, you'll do as a second choice and not even get a say about it.

There must be lots of psychology theses on why women hate their DP's/DH's mother.

Here’s my thesis: it’s often/usually because husbands don’t step up and communicate with their own parents, instead leaving their wives to do all the communication/wifework/heavy lifting with the in-laws, as well as managing the family’s relationship with their own parents.

Ahh that's quite sad that they are missing family life that much that they would stand in the bitter cold just to see their GK's opening their presents. I see very one had mocked as its the husbands parents (OPs inlaws) but answer his op if it was your parents that asked would you be so offhand and mocking about it

Do they normally come to you?

This sounds like something my nutter of an mil would do, l hope she doesn't see this

Wait what?

Why has this turned into a thread about why women should put up with their families' weird behaviour? !

@tara66

There must be lots of psychology theses on why women hate their DP's/DH's mother. Has anyone ever written one?

It's only on Mumsnet, in real life most people get along with their families. That's my experience anyway.

If my in-laws wanted to do this, I'd let them (who am I to stop them?) but it would piss me off.

We've worked really hard with my DD (10) on managing her expectations of the day and trying to create 'new traditions' to make it special for her.

Me and DH are both only children (effectively, its complicated) so I host BOTH sets of parents EVERY year and have done since I met DH. It's the only way to make sure that neither set are left to celebrate alone.
I WISH one set would ask to host everyone one year, but despite me saying I'd like that they never do.
The prep and hosting on the day exhausts me. my mental health isn't always great and I feel pressure and expectation - real or perceived.
I never enjoy the day until everyone goes and I can take the dog out and de-stress.

This year will THANKFULLY be different. No pressure, expectation, hosting or audience.

DD and I have been talking about how great it will be to open our presents first thing without waiting for them to arrive...how we can have seconds and thirds of desert, how we can wear PJ's all day and play with any presents she gets without me being up and down getting people drinks etc.

Of course we will miss the grandparents (ok, only a bit) but we're embracing this year for the some of the 'just us' bits we can.
We'll FaceTime later in the day and possibly do a drive-by present giving to their doorsteps early evening.

Grandparents gawping through the window would ruin the feel of it all.

I think it’s really sad that this is the situation we are in

I would explain to ds why they are doing this and that they couldn’t come in

I really don’t get what the issue is

@littlemisslozza
In years to come the material presents will largely be gone and forgotten and this cash that accumulates will hopefully be appreciated far more than it seems to be now. Bigger picture needed here rather than just valuing stuff to unwrap!

I get that, and in fact I was expecting somebody to come back at me with it. But OP says the DC are pre-teen, it would have to be a very mature pre-teen to take the long view. And does it have to be either or? If the GPs want to be there to see the DC's pleasure when they're opening their presents, I'd have thought they could have recognised that maybe something small from them would also give pleasure. It doesn't have to be more tat/plastic. Books, music, crafts are all possibilities (as long as they talk to the OP to find out what the DC's interests are).

@OhWhyNot

I think it’s really sad that this is the situation we are in

I would explain to ds why they are doing this and that they couldn’t come in

I really don’t get what the issue is

The issue is that the GP didnt plan to spend Christmas with them at all,but their plans were cancelled. They announced they would be coming to do this. They didnt buy the GC gifts but now want to come and watch them open gifts they havent bought The OP thinks that this is to manipulate her into letting them in when they have not been socially distancing at all so will put OP and her family at risk.

"It's only on Mumsnet, in real life most people get along with their families. That's my experience anyway."

Come on. Mother in law jokes are based on something aren't they, though those are mainly by men about their wives' mothers.
I know people in real life who don't get along with their mils, though it might not be obvious straight away.

Yes, I understand that but that's where you come in, to explain. I've been there and they know how lucky they are once they are 7 or so. Sounds like they have plenty to unwrap anyway so I don't think not having a physical present should be something to hold against them.

" when they have not been socially distancing at all so will put OP and her family at risk."

But OP has children at school. How is it possible that the in-laws are in contact with more people than a whole class of children and their families?

Yes I know Jingle their plans have changed

Many people are just wanting contact, something to look forward to, wanting to see something of their family/close friends

I just don’t get the issue. It’s been a horrible year for everyone why upset people further. Give them some hot chocolate feel uncomfortable for a bit and get on with the day

And really isn’t it nice just watching children open presents I don’t turn my back on ds when he opens presents from others I like to see him happy with what he receives regardless who it is from

Maybe I am doing this all wrong

My (amazing) MIL asked if she could come over tomorrow, we said no. We arent having anyone over as it wasnt fair to choose and we have multiple grandparents / siblings. So MIL is going to BILs, nobody is on their own at all. She asked if she could come and watch through the window before she goes there. DH said no, its odd and would be awkward for everyone and the DC would wonder why grandmas stood in the garden in the freezing cold watching them.

DH drove over to hers earlier to collect and drop off gifts in the garden, as she asked. Just had a text from her saying she has forgotten to include one of DCs main gifts so will pop over tomorrow with it and give them a wave from the window . DH offered to come back out but she said he couldnt as shes at work now (true). He has a key and regularly does jobs for her so said he would pop in. Apparently she has already put the gift away and its too much hassle to explain, she will just drop it off on her way to BILs tomorrow. Clearly shes not daft. And she will be stood at that window for at least an hour tomorrow.

Thank you Jingle

Yes, we're a bit of a 'filler' it seems now there's nothing better for them to do.
They weren't worried about not seeing the dc when they were booking tickets away.

Standing at the window looking fake smiley with hints of morose has the effect of making me look and feel like a horrible, uncaring person and it will make my dp and our dc sad, which in turn will be turned around onto me.

I also want to relax, not brush my hair, sit eating selection boxes for breakfast and want the dc to enjoy opening their gifts without feeling we need to wait for gps faces to appear at the window.

Would you close the curtains on your own mother !!!

Op!do what you want... Don't brush hair.. Eat chocolate, give them a cherry wave.. And carry on as normal...

Then bow, shut the curtains, then open them up for the encore, then shut them again...

I'd feel like closing the curtains on Santa himself if he insisted on standing at my window watching us on Christmas morning.

My mother and I have 'issues' but I'm pretty sure this is not something she'd thrust upon me.

@PandemicPavolova

Op!do what you want... Don't brush hair.. Eat chocolate, give them a cherry wave.. And carry on as normal...

Then bow, shut the curtains, then open them up for the encore, then shut them again...

Tornado 🌪 I think it's more than useless dh not speaking or communicating with his family? After all many do..

I think it's more about how these men are raised, whether their dp like them, socialise with them and can enjoy mutual time with them, chat...

Then these pushed out men have dc and suddenly their parents want to know them again and be the doting granny becsuse they are bored usually... And then dil becomes the convenient scape goat for what was actually, a pretty crap relationship to begin with!!

Get the kids to play charades with them through the window. PiLs can text their guesses to you.
It is a fairly crap Christmas in many ways, try and find a fun side to it.

Oh god! Tell them they can come say hello through the window to the kids after dinner when you're all dressed but you'll all be in scruffy pyjamas for presents and you dont feel comfortable worrying about flashing your boobs when you stand up
I would not feel comfortable with that at all, so uncomfortable being watched like that.