To teach her the "correct" name for it?

[notyourmummy]

My in-laws were shocked today to overhear my 3yo saying she was just wiping her vulva after she'd been for a wee. They think it's wrong for her to call it that and she should use a more "child friendly" word (tuppence was grandma's suggestion). Now my husband has said that he actually agrees with them and he doesn't think it sounds right her saying vulva.
Background info, I'm a survivor of childhood abuse and, although it wouldn't have made any difference what I'd called anyone's genitals, I think that's had an impact on me wanting my children to know and use the right words for them.
So, YABU - she should use a more "child friendly" word.
YANBU - it's good for her to use the correct name.

There's nothing wrong with knowing the correct names, but like others have said, children should also know the correct context in which to use them. Adults would get very strange looks if they announced they had "wiped their vulva" and children should understand this too. It's like a pp said, the phrase is explicitly visual. I wouldn't want my young child drawing attention to her private parts in this way and I can understand why the grandparents might wince. We always called them privates here, though they learn the correct names in school anyway from a young age.

We use the right words. It's important for safeguarding purposes. Ex mil used Mary, tuppence front bottom etc. I find that so cringeworthy. I think people are embarrassed because of their own upbringing and some level of shame around using words like vulva etc. Its time for people to get over that.

@Jenstar123

I don’t think there is anything wrong with teaching your DD the correct words however I do think you are doing this to make a point because of the type of body part. Do you also teach her to say ‘abdomen’ instead of tummy? Or ‘buttocks’ instead of bum?

Yes, but there’s really only one commonly used term for those parts, ditto penis/willy to a certain extent. The number of ridiculous names for vulvas is bloody infinite precisely because we don’t have a commonly used word for them, even grown up women will often avoid saying it.

If you can't say vulva, or can't face them saying it, then surely bum or privates or vagina at least identifies the area they are talking about

Imagine this in a safeguarding context. Ok vagina / privates maybe. Just. But bum describes a different part of the body entirely. I want to make sure my children are able to describe their body parts, without shame, and quickly so there's no doubt what they are talking about. In a safeguarding context this helps keep them safer, or at least stops any potential abuse sooner.

We use willy and nuts for ds 6.Wouldnt sound right as penis and testicles.I think you should use whatever you feel is right for your family.

Tuppence comes from the assumed shape of the clitoris so it’s not appropriate either in my opinion. But you can’t go too medical because otherwise they’ll be saying things like they wiped their anal sphincter and that’s not on

@ProudAuntie76

I think there is a fine line. It doesn’t have to be vulva or tuppence.

My kids said “my privates” “my private parts” we didn’t do cutesy nicknames. They knew that their genitals were private and from a young age were told that no one else (except a doctor or nurse if they were poorly) should touch or see their privates and that they were to tell us if anyone ever did.

“Wiping my vulva” is a bit distateful, even though it is the correct term. I think I’d worry about a little one announcing that and some sicko overhearing and picturing it or something - it’s an unnecessarily graphic thing to announce. Maybe three is a decent age to start mentioning that we don’t need to talk about what happens in the toilet to everyone as it’s not something everyone wants to hear.

I agree with you, she doesn't really need to say anything and three is a good age for parents to mention that not everyone wants to hear toilet details.

She could just say she's wiping her private parts if pushed.

Why the need to be graphic and say vulva?

It's fine to know the correct terms for your private areas to but when to use them is good too.

We really should normalise using the proper terms. It's just another part of our anatomy.

I taught her it because that's what it is. No shock factor, no bullshit.

In my home country they teach all young children the correct names for their parts so there is no confusion if they tell their parents someone has touched them inappropriately. Penis is a common word - female genitalia should become common words too.

@BubblyBarbara your post me laugh!

@Jenstar123 I think your points interesting you have raised.

I don’t think the safeguarding issue stands a strong enough argument... I think people would know what a young child is trying to get at if something tragic happen. I would assume quite intrusive questions would be asked...

@ILoveYoga

Oh and we very much used two terms during potty training because it’s important the girls learn to wipe away, from the pee pee part to their bum (front to back not back to front)

We all teach our kids this. Regardless of the name though.

I’ve taught my DS aged 3 to say penis, testicles etc. They are not naughty words they are the correct names for the body parts, it’s know different to him saying elbow, nose etc in my mind!
My in laws were horrified and said he should say some sort of cutesy word instead (I can’t remember which one specifically) but when I challenged them and asked why these words are naughty they couldn’t give me an answer so they let it go eventually

There is also the train of thought that says it might put off a potential abuser if a child uses the correct term. For example, ‘Don’t touch my vulva,’ may make an abuser think, ‘That child has been talked to about this and is more likely to confide in her parents about what I intend to do, so I’ll choose a different victim.’

@BubblyBarbara

Tuppence comes from the assumed shape of the clitoris so it’s not appropriate either in my opinion. But you can’t go too medical because otherwise they’ll be saying things like they wiped their anal sphincter and that’s not on

Tuppence comes from the assumed shape of the clitoris

Really? That big? A two pence piece?

I don't think so.

As I said upthread my gran (A Victorian) used to call the vagina a 'halfpenny' (pronounced hay-penny).

A tuppence is most definitely not a clit.

The whole 'teaching them the correct name' thing gives me the willies. Who wants to hear a child calling it a vulva. Penis isn't such a bad word but vulva is terrible. Casual conversation doesn't need to use anatomically correct words...and we are more than capable of learning the 'proper' words when old enough for it to be applicable.

I don’t think the safeguarding issue stands a strong enough argument...

I have met many Child Protection experts from the Police, NHS and social care who would strongly disagree with you.

I think people would know what a young child is trying to get at if something tragic happen. I would assume quite intrusive questions would be asked...

Thinking you "know what a child is trying to get at" is not sufficient when looking to prove that abuse has taken place and "intrusive questions" are useless if a child can't answer them clearly. Also, as I stated upthread there is evidence that children using correct names for their body parts actually discourages perpetrators from carrying out abuse in the first place.

There’s literally people who have worked with abused children who say using the correct terms is the best thing to do, and you still have people like Ew A 3 yEaR oLd SaYiNg VuLvA. It’s utterly, utterly bizarre how people find an anatomically correct word used by a child weird/inappropriate/cringey.

@WunWun

Vulva is such a revolting word though. My DD says vagina, which while isn't 100% correct will stop any potential problems with 'grandad touched my flower' kind of statements.

Fucking 'vulva' though.. I think I'd rather she said cunt.

Me too. It's such a cringey word.

and we are more than capable of learning the 'proper' words when old enough for it to be applicable.

And how old is that? A family friend of mine was raped by a family member when she was 3 years old.

Dd knows the word vagina but calls it gina for short. I fucking detest the word vulva (probably because of the MN vulva police) so I won't teach her that word because I don't use it. I expect she will learn it at some point.

I hate cutesy names like Minnie or tuppence for reasons that others have said. I think that the names that a child uses should make it obvious what they are talking about. But it doesn't have to be anatomical, privates (front/back), willy, front bottom etc are fine.

@Washimal in the nicest way. A 3 year would not be expected to use the term VULVA!!

Someone made a point about the abuser may be taken back and move on to another victim. I do agree from that point and never thought of it like that.

In real life I don’t hear of many infact I don’t recall my midwife using the term VULVA...not even when I’ve gone for any type of medical screening. I don’t think it’s wrong each to their own.

@WunWun my Dd (3) calls hers a vagina too, it sounds more like “mygina” but I’ve taught her the words, it has been hard keeping a straight face when she asks what everyone has ‘got’ though, and goes through even the most vague of our acquaintances “has Amy got a penis?” Etc. People give us looks and I do worry if it’s inappropriate for a toddler to be using those words, even though everything I’ve read when considering what to teach her says the opposite and it should be the correct anatomy. I still want to laugh when she comes out with questions about it though! Shows my maturity 🙈

I think one issue is that there isn't a universal name that girls use. Boys almost universally use willy, or maybe winkie. For girls there is bits, minnie, flower, tuppence, front bottom and numerous other ones like twinkle or fairy

Sorry to derail but I'm actually going to adopt hand worms 🤣🤣🤣