The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

[quote damnthatanxiety]@Fbtw I get your point. Money is not an issue. Thoughts and appreciation apparently are. [/quote]
I totally get that @damnthatanxiety.

My ex did what your husband has done. Every sodding year.

But I had kids who made an effort. Who got me a present (usually small but they didn’t have much money)

Sometimes it came from a supermarket (mint matchmakers which they knew were my favourite).

All of them are culpable. He is most to blame and it’s disrespectful but all of them are to blame.

Serious words need had. Today. And they need to flap and panic and brave the shops of Christmas Eve. All pull their weight tomorrow.

Note. Mine is an ex. For this and many other reasons.

I wouldn’t have completely opted out of Christmas though, in your shoes. Although I can completely understand why you might.

Cross posted, it’s good your teen has managed well without his help.

Not worth spoiling Christmas over, especially as you've allowed this to go on for years. I would definitely be having a word after though

@eaglejulesk

But that’s the thing......it’s not a present apparently if you have to pick it out yourself but then you might end up with something you don’t want, partners are expected to be mind readers and buy just the perfect present. I think it’s too much expectation. People are too invested in this present giving stuff. I am quite good at buying presents people want, others are not.

This.

I agree that you are overly invested in Christmas. I also agree that your teen could have surely organised a gift without waiting for your DH to offer to help, even if they asked the older DCs. In future either buy yourself something special, or suggest to your DH that you don't give each other gifts. My ex and I would go overboard on birthdays, but didn't buy gifts for each other at Christmas.

I understand that you feel unappreciated, and it wouldn't be nice watching everyone else open gifts while you had nothing, but you could have done something about it yourself instead of acting like a martyr at the last minute. And in future don't make sure the DCs have got the right gifts, written the right cards etc. - leave it up to them. I was buying gifts for my parents by myself from a young age, why can't yours manage?

My 16 year old doesnt have his own money, does everyone's?

We organise Christmas according to talents and priorities. Adult household now..
DD gets decorating, including fabulous wreaths, swags and lights. It’s her thing and she’s good at it. I do food and the tree because they’re my favourite bits, OH organises the Christmas cards, external entertainments in normal years and the alcohol.
DS cleans, and washes stuff.
We all do Father Christmas lists that we share, so usually the presents are good.
If we didn’t do this, I’d feel resentful and unappreciated now my children are no longer tiny. There’s a limit for me in how long looking at the joy in other faces appeals.
Time to reset things OP, and YANBU.

It's not about the present, it's about the fact that he has not once thought, oh, I want my wife to feel loved and valued at Christmas, how can I make that happen? It doesn't have to be a huge gesture, or an expensive present, just something that shows that independent of any prompting, he took some time out of his day to think about his wife and what might make her smile on Christmas morning. I know that if I ever got to the stage where I wasn't thinking like that about my husband, I would be pretty concerned about the state of our marriage. He matters to me a lot, and I want to take the opportunity on special occasions to show him that. That's all.op is asking for, and I don't think that's an unreasonable ask.

Obviously husband is the worst of the lot but that doesn't absolve the kids of responsibility.

I don't agree with "Christmas is all about the kids" Christmas is about the people you love, and I think kids should grow up having to buy presents aswell as receiving them otherwise they grow into tears like OPs husband who still think Christmas is all about them and don't think they also have to buy presents.

X post re the teen.

What about the others?

@damnthatanxiety That's so lovely - she sounds like she's done her best then. So the problem and hurt really do lie with your DH forgetting you.

My DC 'forgot' my birthday last month. Or rather one forgot and one decided to do nothing. Both young adults away at university. I was (and still am) really hurt by their thoughtlessness and even more so that DH didn't remind them. Feeling taken for granted is horrible.

@lockitdown my teens got a small amount of pocket money from me every week.

The thing is OP’s DH and DC aren’t obliged to flap or panic round doing Christmas Day or cooking, they probably will but they might not be bothered. Christmas Day with a special meal and all the trimmings isn’t compulsory.

@lockitdown - that's irrelevant. It won't change anything at all. He can't unsay that he forgot about OP at Christmas. He can't unhurt her feelings by buying a random, last minute gift from whatever shop is still open. OP has said many times that it is not about the gift now. It's about addressing the fact that he doesn't respect or appreciate her or thinks she deserves any thought at all.

My 16 year old doesnt have his own money, does everyone's?

No, mine didn’t. I’d give them cash at the beginning of November to buy 3 presents with, but the actual effort was their responsibility.

I do understand where you're coming from OP. You put a lot of effort into preparing everything for Christmas and clearly aren't getting much in return.

Away from gifts. Your teens should at least be helping with the decorating and any other Christmas preparations that they can do.

I'm really not into using gifts as a way to show love and appreciation. I think it should be shown through everyday actions like being there for someone. I do buy gifts, but I see it as something nice to do rather than as a way of showing love.

My mum is really into gifting, she gets excited for all occasions. One Mother's Day, my sister and I bought her a perfume online a week in advance but it took longer than expected to arrive. It wasn't there on the day. My other sister was on holiday and had forgotten to prepare something in advance.

I was in my first trimester of my pregnancy at the time and a bit scattered brained. I hadn't sent the card until Saturday afternoon and it wouldn't be there on the day either. My sister that wasn't on holiday was planning to give her card to my mum in person on the Monday as they were spending the day together.

It was a series of circumstances that meant my mum had no gifts or cards on the actual day. I live 2.5 hours away, so I couldn't just pop in to see her.

She went crazy. She cried, locked herself in her room and said she felt unappreciated. My dad rang me and told me how selfish we all were to have not planned something for the actual day. It was horrible.

In the end, my sister (that lives a lot closer) had to drive down and give her the card on the day. She cheered up.

This situation is obviously different as me and my sister didn't forget. I'm telling this story to show that gifts don't mean the same thing to everyone. My mum doesn't understand when I say that I really don't mind not getting something for my birthday or Christmas. I don't understand why she is so invested in gifts. We all try to muddle along though and get it right most of the time, but a little slack every now and then would make everything a lot dramatic!

You've made your feelings clear OP. I would get your family to help out on Christmas day but continue as planned. Forgiveness is an important thing to teach your children too, especially at a time like Christmas.

[quote Fbtw]@lockitdown my teens got a small amount of pocket money from me every week.[/quote]
I suspect this is a WHOLE nutha thread

Lack of appreciation is a death knell to a relationship, imo.

The moment you stop putting your partner first, stop caring about how they feel or what they need - well, what's the point of it? A relationship needs to be a daily choice to cherish and appreciate the person you're spending your life with. However that plays out, if your partner doesn't feel cherished, you're doing something wrong.

Op, I'm sorry you're feeling so ignored and unloved. It's very hurtful, especially at Christmas, especially this year.

I was in a relationship in which I was treated as a joke, as nothing. One year for Christmas, I actually got a present from him - it was a kitchenaid food processor, and every single accessory and part was wrapped separately. That was all I got. I was just a joke to him.

@diddl

To a point that is her choice

So what?

She chooses to make Christmas lovely for her DH and three DC so because she hasn’t been press ganged into what is an entirely normal approach to a common tradition that cancels out the need for anyone to show her a modicum of decency?!

Christ the bar is depressingly low on this thread

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

You've totally missed the point here. Its not about presents per se, it's that OP is invisible to her DH and he has not given her a thought.

To be honest Op I would feel pretty let down by a lack of consideration too especially as you are trying to raise your children into kind a d thoughtful adults he needs to be 50%of that doesn't he. People are being pretty mean its not your fault ive been on the shitty wnd of this treatment. Have as good a Christmas as you can OP he needs to pull out all the stops

It's crap. I know exactly how you feel.
My DH, though great in every other way, just doesn't "do" presents or cards.
We went out for a meal for our 25th anniversary and for my 40th. Which I booked. Friends took me out on my 50th. He forgot my 60th and our Ruby wedding- despite my dil giving him a card to give me. I haven't had a card or present from him for 40 years unless the kids have done it for him.
When I said where was my 60th gift, he said well you forgot mine too - I hadn't, I got him a wildlife camera.
Last year I made a huge fuss and said at the beginning of Dec I was fed up of this. I got some nice socks, which my DD had bought for him.

I've given up- at least now my adult children and grandchildren ensure I'm not sitting there with absolutely nothing to unwrap.

It's not about the money or the size of the gift, it's the attitude that because he's not bothered, no one else should be.

I get it OP, I would be on strike too.

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

You seem to totally miss the point. It's not about the gift, it's about not being on his priority list at all. It's about not being considered or thought about or made to feel loved. It's not about the lack of a gift!

I'm so sorry OP. Look after yourself x

My 16 year old doesnt have his own money, does everyone's?

I would imagine that is highly unusual. All my DC have access to some money whether it’s savings that have been gifted, pocket money/allowance, or money from working (babysitting).

Fuck me I've seen some nonsense on MN before but this takes the biscuit.

"You've enabled him so it's your fault"

"You should get over it and still do all the Christmas working your arse off so you don't ruin it for the 4 other fully functioning adults who could do it instead of you"

"You shouldn't want gifts anyway because I don't"

"You shouldn't expect gifts because I have a lazy, entitled fuckwit for a husband who doesn't get me anything and I've accepted it and now believe that's perfectly okay"

"Gift choosing is too hard for some people (who funnily enough can make plenty of decisions buying for others, doing their job or generally living life) so give him a break"

"It's your fault for not telling him what you want and/or buying it for yourself"

Fuck that shit.

OP I'm sorry this has happened and it is so true that even with the most caring and thoughtful of husbands (mine is, and has chosen, bought and wrapped every single of our family's presents with me, he's decorated and helped with the food shop) no matter what, it still falls on us for a proper Christmas.

Our men may do the practical stuff but even the most involved blokes, generally the whole planning and sorting falls on us. Yes they'll buy the stuff but we still have to plan it. We have to think about whet needs to happen. It may be work we put on ourselves and the nice men say, "Oh don't bother with all that, love. Sit and put your feet up!", Christmas would be shit. Yes we don't NEED a turkey or crackers, but how crappy would Christmas get if we didn't take it on.

I say this is a good teaching moment for your family. I'd be more than willing to let them realise just what you do and what happens when you don't.

I'm Sorry OP.

You did the right thing op, sorry you're feeling so shit though. He needs to step up his game in 2021.