The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

Since I got a backscratcher from a petrol station on xmas night last year, I have decided to TELL mine what I want and that HE needs to get it. I did that for my bday this year and he bought the perfume I "ordered", Win.

@damnthatanxiety
I wasn't suggesting that your husband shouldn't be putting thought into a present for you. But your teenager could have put thought into a present for you on her own, surely? I didn't ever have to be prompted by my Dad to buy a present for my Mum.

I didn't miss the point. I understand that you were forgotten and that is utterly shit. I get it.

I'm just explaining that if I drove my child to the shops to buy something for their Dad, I might also expect that they could use the time to think of something for me too.

Oh my god, I can’t get over the number of people on this thread blaming OP or saying she’s overreacting.
I can’t even imagine what it would be like if my partner didn’t get me something for Christmas. It’s not about getting the right thing. It’s about getting SOMETHING to show the person you profess to love that you care for them and value them.

I am so so sorry, OP. I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you have. I hope tomorrow is better than you dear.

*fear

@LauraAshleySofa

I think you need to make a stand here, but not in a sulky sad way. Tell dh it's OK, you'll sort yourself out you just need to use his online banking to transfer the money .... Then go out and buy yourself a new car. Brand new.

You will love driving your revenge car and every time he see you in it, every single day, he will remember that it's better if he picks the gifts.

Yeah coz that’s a good use of family money.

How do you know the op and her DH have the money for that?

And I'm actually fucking staggered at some of the posters on here suggesting it's OP's fault, that's she's facilitated this, that the teen is to blame equally, that she's sulking, that she's ruined Christmas. Fuck that.

In future decide in September everybody contribute to buy a house present for everybody to share e.g. new tv, new beds, new kitchen equipment, that way everybody is happy.

WTF? Who on earth does this? Buy hugely expensive household items 'to share' every Christmas? How do four adults and a teenager share a new bed? And everybody will be happy with this?! This has got to be the most absurd suggestion I have ever read on here.

Send me his contact details and I will send the dozy git some links to lovely luxury hotel breaks, that he can book online.

I hope that what ever you decide to do or not do, your family, and in particular, your husband, wake up to who you are as a person - not just a wife and mum!!!
I fully understand how hurt you must feel by the sheer lack of care and love being shown by your family.
I used to always make birthdays and Christmas special for family members, including my mil, by making birthday cakes and special meals and by getting presents I thought they would like and appreciate.
When it came to my birthday, no cake a few cards with £10 in them - to apparently treat myself !!! So one year I thought fuck it!!! Stopped all that work for other people apart from my kids, and everyone was so surprised... what no cake???? No presents, no special meals etc????
I just gave them a birthday card with a £10 in it and told them to treat themselves!! Not happy about this at all, were the messages that came back, especially from my mil, I just replied that I thought they wanted their birthdays to be like mine - minimal, no fuss or thought put into it.
I never have backtracked on this and have never made another cake or meal to celebrate birthdays, apart from my kids of course.
Sometimes you have to mirror what people do to you, so they get it !!!
Don’t give in, please think of yourself, if your DH can think about his sisters, he can and should think about you. 💐

@Passthecake30

I think you’re going a step too far re sulking, in my opinion Christmas is for kids and not so much for the parents, you should try putting on a brave face for your teen. Treat yourself to something nice after Christmas, if you have the funds. This Christmas is going to be bad enough for everyone not being able to see relatives and friends, having someone sulk all day isn’t going to help.

This is ridiculous. By the time the children are teenagers Christmas isn't only about them. OP isn't sulking, she's just having the relaxing day she has more than earned whilst her husband gives her her present by doing just a small fraction of the work that Christmas entails. If he has any sense he will accept it with good grace and work his socks off to make it a lovely day for her and the rest of the family.

@Fbtw I get your point. Money is not an issue. Thoughts and appreciation apparently are.

What has his response been like this morning? I hope something has got through to him. And that he cant make it up to you, that is the easy way out.

sounds like it’s a build up of everything OP to be honest. Hope he redeems himself....

The lot of them have behaved appallingly. The kids are old enough to remember and sort stuff themselves, even if that meant asking her dad if they go to the shops that weekend so she could get you a present.

I think you're right to stop what you're doing for Christmas, they dont appreciate what you do, evidently.

I don't blame the OP at all. But she needs to explain honestly to all of them how she feels. I have no doubt they all love her. I also have no doubt they will change. It's very hard when we feel overlooked and vulnerable. When we feel forgotten! I get it.

He has all day to still get something :)

Good for you OP.

Your youngest one baking and making/writing you a lovely card sounds great.

As does you clocking off your Christmas duties and leaving it up to dh.

With everything going on this year, it's important to make the most of your time on this earth and the ones you love.

Pity the OPs husband doesn't feel the same. That he couldn't spare five minutes at any time in the past few months to open up a website and order something, no matter how tiny or inexpensive, to show 'I have thought of you, and I appreciate you'.

[quote JinglePies]@damnthatanxiety
I wasn't suggesting that your husband shouldn't be putting thought into a present for you. But your teenager could have put thought into a present for you on her own, surely? I didn't ever have to be prompted by my Dad to buy a present for my Mum.

I didn't miss the point. I understand that you were forgotten and that is utterly shit. I get it.

I'm just explaining that if I drove my child to the shops to buy something for their Dad, I might also expect that they could use the time to think of something for me too.[/quote]
She has. She's amazing. She's wrapped up all manner of stuff fir me. No idea what they are!! I love her so much. It's that she and he were supposed to go out together and get something special with 'her money' and although she did remind him a while back, he 'forgot'. So she got busy and made stuff it would seem. It's not her it's him. He thinks it's ok to forget about me at Christmas apparently.

@Greeneyedminx, this is epic!

I do understand that the point is that your DH didn’t prioritise you, and didn’t make sure something was done for you. He knew that was expected, and should have made sure unprompted anyway.

I will say though that but the time a child reaches their teens the bit about parents guiding them to show their love/consideration and get/make a gift should be largely job done surely? I appreciate a young teen may need some help but with three adults to ask other than you that should not be a problem. I am not blaming the teen in any way, or minimising your DH not bothering, just saying that now may be a good time to move beyond the idea that he is fully responsible for prompting and taking them. He should be able to show his appreciation of you in other ways. YANBU to feel pissed off though.

Oh OP that's awful. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You sound like a wonderful wife and mother, and completely and utterly taken for granted.

If I were you I would still "do" Christmas for the sake of the kids, but have a talk with them at some point and explain how hurt you are. That will make them feel worse than if you cause a right argument.

You don't need to be anything other than civil with DH, but I wouldn't cause an atmosphere with kids in the house.

Your eldest kids should know better. However I really feel for your youngest. I remember one year not being taken anywhere to get DM anything and I wasn't old enough to bake anything or make anything. I was so, so upset on Christmas morning when I had nothing to give DM except a massive cuddle and declarations of how sorry I was. It still makes me feel tearful now. I love DM so much and I wanted to show her that with a lovely present I had chosen. Looking back, it never would have occurred to me to write a poem or similar, and I was too old (not arty enough) to do a picture.

Focus on all the lovely bits of Christmas you can enjoy, and hopefully they will learn their lesson and treat you better next year, for your birthday etc.

But that’s the thing......it’s not a present apparently if you have to pick it out yourself but then you might end up with something you don’t want, partners are expected to be mind readers and buy just the perfect present. I think it’s too much expectation. People are too invested in this present giving stuff. I am quite good at buying presents people want, others are not.

This.

I agree that you are overly invested in Christmas. I also agree that your teen could have surely organised a gift without waiting for your DH to offer to help, even if they asked the older DCs. In future either buy yourself something special, or suggest to your DH that you don't give each other gifts. My ex and I would go overboard on birthdays, but didn't buy gifts for each other at Christmas.

I understand that you feel unappreciated, and it wouldn't be nice watching everyone else open gifts while you had nothing, but you could have done something about it yourself instead of acting like a martyr at the last minute. And in future don't make sure the DCs have got the right gifts, written the right cards etc. - leave it up to them. I was buying gifts for my parents by myself from a young age, why can't yours manage?

Now my DH hasn't got me anything (or I him although I said the cycling stuff I bought for him 2 months ago can be his present!) and I genuinely don't care at all, I will send him a link to something when I get round to looking. Or I might not even do that. I ordered myself a hardback book from Amazon when I was buying stuff for the kids so have wrapped that up and put it under the tree. If I had made it clear weeks ago that I expected a present my DH would certainly have bought something but would be worried about getting it right and would have wanted some guidance. So when I first read your post I thought, I wouldn't even care about that.
However, having thought about it , I think our approach is maybe not a good example for our children. If DH doesn't even get me a present, why should they bother feeling any appreciation either?
Hope your DH can understand why your are upset and will step up for Christmas and in the future and you can all still have a lovely time.

What Bitch said.

OP and for you. You are justified in feeling as you do. This is not your problem to sort out.