The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

OP, you are right. It is utterly shit. It is entirely about the thought. The appreciation. The proof that you matter, that you are valued, that he recognises the effort you put in to make him feel good and valued, and that he does the same for you.

You have done exactly the right thing. He won't make the same mistake twice. Make sure he does all the cooking, all the clearing up. Don't let him get all helpless and not know how to do it. The internet can show him. Lie on the sofa, drinking wine, eating chocolates and watching TV. Have long bubble baths. Talk to friends and family on the phone for hours. Don't lift another finger until 27th at the earliest. And tbh, I would also hold back every present you bought him. Just don't give them this year. Let him see how it feels to be the one just nodding and smiling at everyone else being treated.

I’m angry on the OP’s behalf
Christmas is a time when it is customary to give and receive gifts and as such it seems unkind that OPs OH has bought gifts for his sisters and not her and hasn’t thought to take the little one shopping so that she can buy something for her mum. No matter what excuse he and others on here may come up with on his behalf none would wash with me.
Proceed as planned OP but don’t cut your nose off to spite your face if he offers money so that you can buy something yourself, make sure you take it I know It’s not the same as receiving a gift that some thought has been put into but at least you can buy something you would like that you wouldn’t necessarily want to spend your own money on.

It’s not about the monetary value of gifts...it’s about the time someone has spent in thinking about the other person and making them the priority - not the afterthought!!!
Choosing a present for someone else to wrap and buy, is not the same thing at all!!!
My sister’s DH doesn’t have a lot of money, but will always make something, take her on a surprise picnic, take her out for a meal somewhere he knows, she really likes. He arranges a babysitter, does all the leg work, feeds the kids their tea etc etc so on her birthday- she can relax and enjoy going out, without having to sort out the kids first.
Little things mean a lot, it shows how much someone cares about you.

op you have my sympathy
sadly, this is the story of my life.
I do everything for Christmas in this house. Buy all dc gifts, wrap them, all decorations, order/buy all food and drink, plan all activities, buy and warp gifts for dh etc...
Only way I get any gifts is if I buy and wrap them myself, or literally send a link to dh and ask him to order it.
Sadly you are right, that being treated as of absolutely no importance by dh for years has lead to me being treated exactly the same by dc who are now either young adults or teens.
I have totally allowed this to happen, by always being so busy seeing to everyone else and never prioritising myself or standing up for myself. It is too late for me now, I have just accepted this is how it is. I had a massive rant last year after christmas, made no difference at all
this year I have approached it all with a sense of acceptance. I have a draw full of lovely little gifts for myself upstairs that I am going to wrap myself later.
I hope your dh wakes up and realises how crap he has been and makes an effort to amend his ways OP.

My 16 year old doesnt have his own money, does everyone's?

I was buying presents with my pocket money long before I was 16. At 16 I was working full-time.

These threads depress me no end. The bar is very low for some people when it comes to men's behaviour. It's not about money, or the size of the gift. It's about someone thinking 'this is my partner in life, one of the most important people in my life. What could I do to make her feel appreciated? It's about making an effort.

OP, he sounds like so many thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate men who are too busy to prioritise the one person who supports them 365 days a year. Well I say no more! At this point I would be pleasing myself and treating him like a lodger.

Hog the TV remote control, eat and drink what you like and leave him to get on with making food for everyone.

I think I would be using his credit card to treat myself to a new expensive handbag, shoes, perfume, jewellery and anything else that crossed my mind as well. He needs to know that his actions (and taking you for granted and doing fuck all for you IS an action) have consequences.

I am sorry, OP, as I know all of these things won’t make you really feel any better.

It’s only Christmas, why’s it such a big thing, why is there so much emphasis on gift buying and equating this with how much he loves or priorities you. I say this as someone with no real interest in Xmas, as someone who does the festive meals, doesn’t go mad gift wise but sees the festive period as quality time together.

Just in case this helps anyone, GoHenry is a debit card for kids linked to an adult's bank account. You can pay pocket money in and add jobs they can do to earn extra cash. So that way DC can make online purchases (with supervision - I shudder to think what I'd receive if my 7 year old chose - something from Smiggle I expect).

Family meeting in the New Year, I think, OP. My DH is pretty unbothered about presents but even he saw the way things were going this year and managed to Amazon his DP a gift each and get me something.

I actually liked Laura Ashley's suggestion - doesn't have to be a car, but buying yourself something you genuinely want and wouldn't get for yourself would at least retrieve some enjoyment from the situation.

My Ddad was instructed to get DM a big ticket piece of art equipment for her 70th (we all chipped in) and she has had a great deal of pleasure from it. Maybe family gifts are the way to go - put the less useless young adult in charge.

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

And if you didn't have to baby him buy your own present for him to give to you, would he bother? Or not? That is the question - not what present you get, or how.

YANBU, your feelings are valid, and I do not understand those people whose hobby seems to be MN contrarianism.

Oh OP that sounds crap! My exH used to leave things to the last minute and would be all huffy and stressed because he 'had' to go to the shopping centre on Christmas Eve to get me something. Took all the pleasure out of it - just a card with nice handwritten words and some make up from a brand he knew I liked would have been perfect - and he worked in a big department store as well!! But no, he'd been too busy/forgotten etc. It made me laugh because he's exactly the same today, last minute shopping for his gf and in a bad mood about it😂

It is shit and I don't blame you for being annoyed and making your annoyance clear to your husband. However, I would try and make sure that the kids are not aware of how cross you are.

In future decide in September everybody contribute to buy a house present for everybody to share e.g. new tv, new beds, new kitchen equipment, that way everybody is happy

Oh good, another bit of wife work for the OP to organise.

I hope he gets the message that you're so sad and the reasons why. I hope you all manage to have a lovely Christmas together X

I think you’re going a step too far re sulking, in my opinion Christmas is for kids and not so much for the parents, you should try putting on a brave face for your teen.

"sulking" get out of here. She is justifiably upset that her DH only gets presents for his sisters and that's because they bully him into it. Should she do that?

It's the mn competitive loathing of chirstmas or any joy for adults all in one neat thread.

OP your DD sounds lovely, your older DC not so much and your DH is a bit shitty.

TBH if you want him to do something for him you need to give him a list and remind him. It does sound like extra work but he may take notice?

Or tell him to fuck off out of your life and do without him? or something in between.

Chez Brefugee we all make lists and everyone confers with the others about what they get. We have always done this even when the DCs were small. Now they are adults who buy thoughtful presents and enjoy the giving as much as receiving their own. We all pitch in and do different parts of our family christmas according to our strenghths or wishes.

That's shit. My ex was amazing at buying, then it started to fade, like you said, it's being being made to feel unimportant when you've put so much effort in everything and everyone.
It got to
The point where I'd have to ask if he'd got me anything as I couldn't bare to wake up and feel forgotten.
This year he's my ex, and he's bought me a present, now I don't want it!!

Ah yes. It's all my fault. I see now

OP at your age you shoud know - everything family or relationship related is always the woman's fault.

All this stuff about enabling is another way of saying its your fault. From birth we are raised to "be nice" to "put others first" to "prioritise the family" and then when our nearest and dearest take us for granted its our fault for enabling them.

In any other context the person taking advantage would be the bad guy.

He thinks it's ok to forget about me at Christmas apparently

Not just you either - he has ignored his promise to his daughter as well. What has he done for Christmas that took any effort on his part?

You are right to call him out on it. Don't be guilt tripped into thinking that its not fair to step back "for the sake of the family". You have three fully functioning adults in the family - let DH pick up the load.

Over the years since I was first a mother (also then and now working full time to end of 24th Dec every year) I have just to make it all easier otherwise you can get over burdened. I have five children and their father is a etacher but also an organist so it was doubly difficult because of all the school concerts followed by mid night mass, Christmas day services - we cannot even share that as he is C of E and we are Catholics....... so work until 6pm on 24th and then commute home and do all the present wrapping whilst other half is off playing the organ, then toddlers wake at 5am etc etc.... I have never felt it was my easiest time.

Then the teenagers decided they wanted money not presents which has been much easier even though expensive I just did earlier this week a money transfer but now some kind of small presents have crept back which is a pity in my view. Anyway I have something but not looked at them for a week or two as been so busy. I just don't have the usual mother guilt - I am very very lucky not to have it. I think the children are very lucky to have me and my financial and practical support.

My children know I don't really want or like presents as we have far too much stuff and I joke my aim is to empty the house so I aim to receive nothing tomorrow but probably will get one or two things.

My advice is just do less of this stuff. One reason for years we went skiing over Christmas was that other than taking a few presents with us it was easier for me - hotel cooked the meals etc. That worked well for a while and in fact one of my children is doing the same this Christmas - left the UK just before the latest lockdown.

I am working or will be back at it when off MN as today is not a bank holiday although lots of people seem to have so much more time off and holiday. So any wrapping of presents which one student son said this week he wants all his individually wrapped - what about the environment I said - what's wrong with the plastic they were sen tin by the sellers - I am going to wrap his later when I have finished earning money to keep him and the others can have theirs perhaps all wrapped as one I suppose.

@Fbtw

See, I think with that you’re cutting off your nose to spite your face, slightly.

However, I get why you’re doing it.

Yes, don't ruin Christmas for yourself even more or your DD. Go out, leave him to make an effort but don't ruin it completely.

You've made your point and can stick to your guns going forward.

To echo other posters op, he has not forgotten at all. How can you forget it's Christmas fgs. He is lazy, selfish and has pushed his luck too far.

I am a gp carer and my gs1 never even gets me a card yet expects me to pay lots for his girlfriend. Now he has left it at his mum's and I will have to drive back today. I am having serious words with him about the fact his carelessness continually causes me more work. He has also broken his PS4 and I have refused to pay for repairs whereas in the past I would have done so to keep the peace. You have reached your limit whilst I am getting there.

Its hard letting go of the past whereby you did everything. I am a bit sorry for your dd, who sounds lovely, because she has been let down by your DH as well. I really hope he has not bought for his sisters this year because that is another slap in the face for you.

I hope you can still have a peaceful time.

I'd be upset too but not for not getting anything nice - for the lack of thought in general and re helping his DC getting you gifts too.

I'd have a strong word with him but would also address this in future. It's not a LTB by any stretch but it's certainly something I'd want him to have a long, hard think about and to be more thoughtful in future.

I'm so sorry OP. I hope that you still have a lovely day. Maybe pop to the supermarket and buy some treaty snacks and sit and eat the lot whilst everyone else delivers Christmas tomorrow?

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Christ this really is pathetic! Presumably your DH is a functioning grown up, who holds down a job with a degree of responsibility and is otherwise able to navigate the world?

How can a man you live with, are presumably intimate with, your life partner no so little about you that he can’t identify one thing you might like for Christmas?

[quote damnthatanxiety]@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter[/quote]
Eh?
Isn't the point that SHE could have chosen you a nice gift? She's not 5, she needs to get you presents herself not as an extension of your husband.