The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

[quote lockitdown]@damnthatanxiety you have described every Christmas I have ever had. I absolutely understand 100%[/quote]
Bit shit isn't it. To be 'forgotten'

@PoulePouletteEternellement

Show your family...

The point is the OP shouldn’t have to. This is a grown man and a teenager. Presumably they know exactly what the options available to them are but chose not to be proactive. That’s not OPs fault or responsibility.

A gift is a symbol of love and appreciation. A voucher purchased the day before, for a shop the OP directed them to us meaningless.

[quote damnthatanxiety]@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter[/quote]
well, presumably you have told them all how you feel?

Maybe, just maybe, if you have been doing all the work at Xmas for them, they have all taken you for granted? Have you spoiled them and put your own needs last?
Is this a pattern in the family going beyond Christmas?

I feel for you, but it's time to have some kind of chat with your DH and tell him exactly how you feel.

I never ever thought I would be the kind of person who gave a damn about receiving a gift. It doesnt hit you until you are sitting there, left out of the whole process. It hits hard. It is definitely NOT about the gift. It's like a slap in the face.

• it hurts
• its not the OP's fault
• this is the year to make a stand

I feel sorry for the teen as well they came to you about this hoping you will fix it and accidentally caused armaggeddon maybe they will be more self reliant in future

It sucks op dont back down though

@marthastew

I'm sorry. Maybe you should be a bit more like his sisters? How do they make sure he shows his appreciation to them?

Straight up be shit to him. Passive aggressive...not so passive agressive..just awful

@lockitdown

I never ever thought I would be the kind of person who gave a damn about receiving a gift. It doesnt hit you until you are sitting there, left out of the whole process. It hits hard. It is definitely NOT about the gift. It's like a slap in the face.

• it hurts
• its not the OP's fault
• this is the year to make a stand

Thank you for understanding

[quote damnthatanxiety]@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter[/quote]
But this would have been an oppotunity for your teen to go off for half an hour and choose something for you, herself.
Sure, I get that it would have been nice for your DH to have organised that for your DD, but, DH apart, she has got into the shops with you and could have got something using the transport oppotunity?

Sorry OP. Not fair on you at all.
Hopefully this will make him realise that he's being a total selfish dickhead and things will change.

I totally see why you justifiably reacted as you did. What is he doing about it now? I know that him attempting to guilt-buy a random thing is going to make no difference to the clear message "you don't matter" - I'm just wondering what would make a difference, whether there is a way of him showing you he understands how his lack of actions sent a terrible message?

In the meantime, take a walk / long shower / whatever tiny thing is allowed in tier 4 and have a think. Is this partly because you're utterly exhausted by Christmas and lockdown? Or is this you realising there is something more seriously wrong? Take care of yourself, whichever it is. Do something that will replenish you a bit - listen to favourite music, ring a good friend for a chat, watch your favourite comedian...

I am also a terrible person and would be considering diverting all his gifts from me, to a charity or a friend who would like them

Do those if you suggesting:

• he cooks Christmas dinner
• A “lovely” iou
• An online voucher
• a supermarket box of chocs

Really think that is ok?! Would you accept so little from your own family?

Christmas is a surprise to no one. I bet OP has been organising since November, at least: food, decorations, cards, wine, gifts etc etc. The very least her H could do is ensure that he puts a modicum of consideration into a gift for her.

But that’s the thing......it’s not a present apparently if you have to pick it out yourself but then you might end up with something you don’t want, partners are expected to be mind readers and buy just the perfect present. I think it’s too much expectation. People are too invested in this present giving stuff. I am quite good at buying presents people want, others are not.

I get you’re upset he forgot but if it’s so important then next year, remind him. Or buy your own present.

I would be a bit grumpy about having no present but I wouldn’t let it spoil Xmas.

Good grief, the number of posters on here that are saying OP is the one spoiling Christmas, being mean and sulking is horrifying. Almost as horrifying as those suggesting that OP's Christmas present should be to not have to run ragged doing absolutely everything while the three other adults and teenager get to do shit all. The rest of the family are the ones who have spoiled Christmas and they should be ashamed. OP can still have a nice day pleasing herself. Maybe they'll see how important she is to Christmas now that they don't have their own Cinderella on hand to make everything wonderful for them.
OP, your family are shits and I hope you just spend the day tomorrow pleasing yourself. You are not spoiling Christmas, they are. You have nothing to feel guilty about, they do. There is literally no excuse as to why they've not bothered to get you anything for Christmas, none at all. Stick to your guns and have a relaxing day doing and eating what you want to.

I get it OP. I spend all my time "doing" to make everyone else's Christmas special. My DH does buy me presents. Not hugely thoughtful ones, but stuff I like so I am definitely not complaining. I would be gutted if he didn't think to get me a present from him and the kids. And it's not about the present, you're right. You are worth more than this, you really are.

Aw this is shit. I'm so sorry for you.

It's hard work having to do the mental load all year around and then when everyone gets the biggest chance to show some appreciation they don't bother. I'd be devastated too.

I would do exactly nothing else now. Is he capable of doing lunch tomorrow?

You poor thing 💗I'm so glad you are taking a stand. I often feel sad that women forgotten or unappreciated on Christmas, Mothers Day etc are told not to complain on MN. I think thoughtfulness , and expression of appreciation are important to cultivate in our children . I definitely don't mean expense btw.
I am appalled at"forgot" ...How in these commercial time is that even possible? I'm not saying ltb but honestly, I'd question how much he values our relationship and what exactly are you getting from it- obviously not gifts!

I would be very angry. You're not sulking. And FFS at the posters saying to just take a couple of days off to relax...he gets those days off EVERY FUCKING DAY. The sexism and determination to keep women as slaves on this thread is pathetic. God forbid a woman show anger when she is treated like shit. No, it's her fault for not "sitting down for a chat" and giving everyone clear instructions.

Fuck sitting down for a chat. Fuck sticking on a game face and chatting after Christmas. Value yourself. Don't feel guilty for your anger and don't be afraid to make it plain.

I think you need to make a stand here, but not in a sulky sad way. Tell dh it's OK, you'll sort yourself out you just need to use his online banking to transfer the money .... Then go out and buy yourself a new car. Brand new.

You will love driving your revenge car and every time he see you in it, every single day, he will remember that it's better if he picks the gifts.

I dont think you can have high expectations for change for this point in time so what I would suggest is to start with this:

1. Tell him what you want him to get/what you would like and that he must get it, you are not buying it.
2. Tell him each year now you will give him a list and he needs to get the gift as it just ruins it for you when you buy your own. Do this in a chatty, non accusation way, ofc.
3. This will set him up for buying you a gift each year. Who knows, he may buy an unguided gift one year.

"I bet OP has been organising since November, at least: food, decorations, cards, wine, gifts etc etc."

To a point that is her choice.

Some do do a more involved Christmas that others.

My husband works, I don't-but it still doesn't mean that I do it all.

He shops, we will cook together, I did cards.

He has organised the kids presents, the two of us aren't exchanging gifts.

Pretty much how it has been for a few years!

[quote damnthatanxiety]@JinglePies
I don’t really understand why your youngest couldn’t have got you a present when you took her to the shops to buy something for her father. But anyway.

Because that would make it pointless!! The WHOLE POINT is that DH makes TIME and prioritises going with DC together to put thought into ME! Appreciation et all. If I just do it then it is just another thing I am doing and DH is not putting in any thought or effort. It is NOT about the gift! It is the effort/thought/appreciation. He could have sat with her and ordered online, or made something -anything. Just to show that I matter[/quote]
OP, I think your family are awful, take you for granted and you are right to say you are done now.

However I am struggling with this, why does your DH have to help two young adults and a teenager sort shopping out? They can all surely do this by themselves, the teenager could do online shopping or ask another family member for a lift? There is no way my father would have been organising my Christmas gift buying once I hit teenage years.

You are right to feel hurt at your DH’s treatment, but the two adult children and the teenager are not doing much better as far as I can tell.

This thread is so sad.

Not just the OPs post but those piling on with 'why didn't you...' 'but you could have...' 'Why don't you...'

And for those harping on about presents -ITS NOT ABOUT THE PRESENT!! OP couldn't have been clearer

Imagine doing everything for Christmas:sort the food, decorate the house, do fun things with the kids (although limited to tier 4!), buy the kids presents, wrap everything, ensure your DH is thought of by the kids.

Then your DH rocks up Christmas week saying he has forgotten you with a sort of shrug. No effort, no thought... just expected to kid of rock up Christmas Day with everything magically sorted.

I think that would make anyone feel like absolute crap.

OP I think a short sharp shock is what he needs. I don't think you're ruining Christmas. Now is the time for him to set up and show you he appreciates you.

Sending love to you, I think your new year resolution should be to make you the priority! Xxx

I understand completely, OP. I’m in exactly the same position. I try to convince myself I don’t care, but I’ve been so hurt by the lack of thought over the years. Hope you manage to have a nice day despite all this.

I agree with you, OP. My DH used to rush out on Christmas Eve to try and find me something. He didn’t do this with anyone else’s presents, just mine. I would often get a “token” present (a cat cruet set, anyone?) with the promise (that never materialised) of getting a proper present in the new year. A few years ago, when we were living in Paris, we were out for a coffee on Christmas Eve, when he said “Oh I must sort out your present if I have time.” I lost it, with full on, hysterical, snotty crying, saying how this just proved that I was way down the list of priorities for him, and that it wasn’t the gift in itself, it was just an indication of how far down his priority list I was.

I won’t say he’s been wonderful since then, but he’s certainly been a lot better.