The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

I understand the OP. It's not strictly about the presents. The lack of presents is the manifestation of a deeper issue of being taken for granted.

I agree the husband is an arse, and I think having words is appropriate.

That said, you need to spend the New Year as a family making sure your adult children and teens are much more independent. My children are 14 and 16 and have been running their own bank accounts and buying presents independently since aged about 12 when they first started going into town with their friends. Bank accounts can be set up from really young, with a proper contactless card, I think mine had them from 12 from Metro, or the main banks from 14 or you can use a debit card linked to your bank. Them not having their own money and own ability to order stuff off the internet (mine buy clothes, make-up, presents directly themselves) is not very independent these days. Same with transport- if you live in the sticks, can't the adult children get driving lessons and drive to get stuff? Or use the bus? Or walk to a local shop?

I agree you have several dependents, your husband shouldn't be amongst them, but try to break that and facilitate the adult/teen children to be independent in terms of money and presents- why are you 'checking' with adult children they have a gift- leave them to it! My children honestly write their own lists, buy their own gifts (usually on trips to town with other friends) and wrap everything themselves and put it under the tree. I am not involved in their gifts and they would never leave someone out.

@gentleness your appointment was a one off event. Op's husband has has months to sort out gifts.

Has your DH spoken to you since you told him how upset you were?

Please ignore the mean replies on here. It isn't your fault. He's messed up and it isn't fair.

I have a young teen and me and her father make sure that she gets something for each of us and for her dad's partner. I'm better at it to be fair and will put in much more thought. He's a bit last minute and online. I don't mind that. It's the thought that counts.

As you say it isn't the fact that you want a gift in as much as u would just like him to think about you.

You are right to be upset x

Sorry but I think you sound like a bit of a martyr. Your dc are older, you don't have tiny ones who need their every need tended to. Why are you dashing around so much you forget an appointment for your own health. Prioritise yourself. They're all adults or nearly adults.

I hear you OP. And I agree with you

This year especially has supposed to have taught us to cherish our families. Do what feels right to you tomorrow. Practice self care. Put yourself first, however that looks to you.
Your family will survive.

She has. She's amazing. She's wrapped up all manner of stuff fir me. No idea what they are!! I love her so much. It's that she and he were supposed to go out together and get something special with 'her money' and although she did remind him a while back, he 'forgot'. So she got busy and made stuff it would seem. It's not her it's him. He thinks it's ok to forget about me at Christmas apparently.

Wait, so... she has got you stuff? There’s just not been a big dramatic Christmas film moment where she has gone with her dad to buy the perfect gift?

Now I thing you’re being unreasonable if that’s the case. If I’ve interpreted it wrong then I don’t think you’re that unreasonable. However she should have bought you something when she went to the shops with you. It’s easy to hide what you’re getting someone, I used to do that as a teenager. As others have said. If she hasn’t bought you anything then I would suggest the approach you are taking to fostering that caring for others feeling has failed.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I’ll admit I haven’t read the whole thread but i have a theory that when women put huge emphasis on presents from their husbands/partners it’s because they feel undervalued in the relationship as a whole. It’s not presents that are the issue, it’s the marriage.

OP said she knows he loves her though.

@formerbabe

Sorry but I think you sound like a bit of a martyr. Your dc are older, you don't have tiny ones who need their every need tended to. Why are you dashing around so much you forget an appointment for your own health. Prioritise yourself. They're all adults or nearly adults.

Are you mixing up OP and @Gentleness?

I really feel for you OP, it is hurtful and I agree it isn’t the lack of presents as much as the lack of thinking about you when you do everything for everyone else to make it nice. I think your DHs response would determine how I handled it, if he was truly sorry and remorseful and genuinely did just forget (which I admit isn’t great) I would let him know how hurt I was about not being considered or even thought about. If he wasn’t really bothered then that’s different as shows a general lack of care. Whichever way it goes I would still make it a nice day tomorrow for your DCs as it isn’t their fault he forgot. You’ve got every right to feel upset by it though and taken for granted.

Do you want to spend the 20s with this man? Retire with him? Rely on him should you become unwell?

How do you want the rest of the 20s to look for you? What lessons would you want for your girls and their future relationships?

He's shit. You're not.

But she’s not asking for a perfect magical Christmas. Just some appreciation of her as a wife, mother and person

I think she is, she even quoted all magical and lovely.

I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone.

I have a DIL like that, she is such a saint/martyr, wants everything to be perfect. Actually she makes everyone dread Christmas, nothing is ever quite right, there is always something that makes her have a face like a cat's bum. She buys wonderful presents, we all enthuse and mine normally go to the charity shop as her idea of wonderful isn't mine. We end up spending more on her than anyone else, my son is so stressed in the run up to Christmas as he tries every year to make it right.

I'm sure we will all get to a point one year where we just say forget it, we'll have the happy stressfree Christmas we always had in the past.

Personally I find martyrs a pain in the arse and people who insist their family have to do it there way are even worse.

Talk to the family agree what everyone wants. If they don't want to bother with presents then don't, spend the money on buying yourself something you want. If everyone wants a takeaway on Christmas day and to slob around in pyjamas well why not. If they think about it and decide they actually like her Christmas then they need to grow up, even the teenager, and help.

@JohnMiddleNameRedactedSwanson. Oh dam, yes I am, apologies

Wait, so... she has got you stuff? There’s just not been a big dramatic Christmas film moment where she has gone with her dad to buy the perfect gift? The story changed.

OP said she knows he loves her though.

Women also say things like "he's a great Dad" and "he loves them to bits" then go on to list screeds of ways he's shite and doesn't give a bollock.

They're words used to soften a truth which they know will bring harsh advice they arent ready to hear/act on. It's also used when they feel so responsible for the man that they feel genuinely disloyal (they're not) just expressing how unsatisfactory the relationship is for them. She's still processing it all as it knits together and becomes clear in her head.

I’m so sorry OP, that’s not a nice feeling. I’m sure they do appreciate you and all you do, he was just being very thoughtless and this might give him a much needed kick. Try to enjoy Christmas anyway, if you can.

Christ, he's pathetic.

I feel for you. You've reached the end of your tether with your selfish husband and adult children.

Whatever you do over Christmas, things need to change generally I suspect. I can't believe all this taking you for granted is limited to Christmas. You seem to be treated as the housekeeper.

You need to have a proper conversation after Christmas about how you feel and what your expectations are for the future.

This is awful. It is the thought. Knowing that at that moment you had been thought of whatever he bought/made/did. He didn't even make the minimal effort to do ONE thing for the most important person in his life. And to do it this year of all years!

I would have long baths, watch TV with chocolates, read in bed, go for walks, eat the dinner he has made and have nothing at all to do with him or the making of dinner/drinks.

I think you are totally right, sit back, enjoy the Christmas feels with your children and let him deal with all the extra you usually do. And if after that he doesn't understand then it'll be time for a serious discussion

I think the dd has panicked and made a bunch of stuff, realising that they have ALL made the most monumental screw up and that their mum has finally got fed up with being made to feel utterly worthless. Quite bloody right too!

I am so sorry OP - I know exactly how you feel as this is how my birthday goes every year. Christmas is generally better as I get the same present every year which I do in fact really like. I hope you have a lovely day planned for yourself - commandeer a room with a telly, saunter in and pick up some lunch once its done and sod the lot of ‘em. Thoughtless fuckers.

It’s really shitty to be taken for granted and overlooked but I don’t understand why you’re so focused on how involved your husband should be in your teenagers gift buying and that this seems to be what has upset you most . Surely the problem is that he hasn’t bothered about you, nothing to do with the dc? Your dd has after all got gifts for you as you’ve said.

If it really is the actual process of them physically going shopping together that’s important (and I think it’s odd that you seem to feel so strongly that that’s how it must be done) then I don’t get why your teen daughter didn’t speak to him to arrange it as Christmas approached?

Tbh if you hadn’t said dd was a teen I would have assumed she was a young primary aged child from how you write about her but as she is a teen and the other dc are adults, I would think the three of them could be left to their own devices re gift shopping (bar requesting lifts if needed) at this stage, without either parent needing to involve themselves as some kind of “proof” of their thoughtfulness.

It seems to me you’re not the forgotten mum, you’re the Forgotten Wife. DH didn’t bother about you for Christmas.

HE didn’t think you were worth buying a gift for. HE forgot about you.
HE is a thoughtless prick who takes his wife for granted.
All this handwringing about how adults and teen dc should have been chivvied by their dad to prove their thought and appreciation for you in a specific way is just muddying the waters.

[quote WizardOfAus]Sounds a lot like this scenario. But at least in this SNL sketch, the mum gets a bath robe.

www.distractify.com/p/snl-christmas-morning[/quote]
That is so good.

@Europilgrim

i have a theory that when women put huge emphasis on presents from their husbands/partners it’s because they feel undervalued in the relationship as a whole.

Well I think that's a given. But if someone can remember to buy presents for the whole family but not his wife then they have every right to feel undervalued.

Of course! My point is sometimes it’s easier to focus on something small instead of looking at the thing that’s large. The present is merely the boil on the arse of the relationship. You can lance it but if the relationship is decayed the boil will return.