The forgotten Mum

[damnthatanxiety]

I feel so down. Married for nearly 30 years to a good man who I love and who I know loves me. But I feel completely taken for granted and at the bottom of the priority list. He hasn't got me anything for Christmas. He panics at gift buying. TBF he has bought be phenomenal gifts in the past but in recent years, he has relied on me buying something for myself and him wrapping it up for Christmas/birthday. Anniversary and valentines have gone by the wayside. I always speak with the DC (2 are young adults living with us. 1 is a teen) to make sure they have something for their dad, write a nice card etc. I make Christmas all magical and lovely fir everyone. The older two are ok. One better than the other but they at least write lovely genuinely heartfelt cards. I don't want them spending lots on me. Just show their love and appreciation. The younger one loves to do all this but has to rely on a parent to help with the logistics of going to buy stuff (transport etc). I always make sure to do this with her for DH. I always wanted them to grow up feeling that it was important to show gratitude and love at times of celebration. I found out last night that DH has 'forgotten' to do anything for me this Christmas. He's been super busy I know but he has literally forgotten to do anything. Youngest one was all concerned that she hasn't got me anything as her dad hasn't taken her to the shops (she can't get their alone). And now they are all shut. He looked horrified and said he had 'forgotten'. Forgotten me. Forgotten that I am a person to treat. Forgotten to prioritise me. Forgotten that I count at Christmas too.
I slept in the sofa last night and this morning have told him that I'm done with Christmas. That he has done a shit job of parenting the DC to prioritise me ever and that Christmas is done as far as I'm concerned. Presents are wrapped. House looks pretty. Food has been bought. It's all on him now. I'm done. I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant.

know so little.

I’m sorry for you but your daughter sounds fab (like her mum). 💐

Have you actually asked your husband why he buys for his sisters but not you? You say they are unpleasant but he remembered to buy for them but not for his wife who he supposedly loves and does everything else for Christmas.

This isn’t just about a present it’s the lack of care, attention and thought to you and your youngest. I think you should do whatever it takes to get through tomorrow for you and your daughter. Your husband and older children can step up and cook between them. They are adults.

From age of 13/14 I got my own presents for my parents did have weekend job by this point. Depending on how old your teen is they should really organising that themselves now. Really sorry about your husband.

Yes, don't ruin Christmas for yourself even more or your DD. Go out, leave him to make an effort but don't ruin it completely.

How is OP ruining Christmas? What has she done to actually ruin Christmas for herself and her daughter? Is slaving in the kitchen for half a day improving her Christmas? Wouldn't putting her feet up actually make Christmas better for herself? It's odd to suggest that not putting herself through a loaf of extra work would be ruining Christmas for herself.

You've made your point and can stick to your guns going forward.

How?

I feel for you OP, I get it! It's not the size or cost or anything like that, I just think that it must be utter shit to have to sit there and watch everyone else enjoying your hard work and thoughtfulness regarding their presents and the fact that they haven't given a flying fuck about your feelings. And Yes, quite frankly I would sulk and flounce and ruin christmas this year, maybe it would sink in that you are a person worthy of thought and consideration.

As to you @Xenia, your christmas just sounds like a very soulless day.

Honestly, most men don't give a shit if Christmas is magical. If your dc got him nothing, he probably wouldn't even care. So many women run themselves ragged to create a Christmas that literally no one gives a shit about. If you didn't do it, he wouldn't step in and do it because he just doesn't care.

If he’s buying something for his sisters he could easily just pick up or click one more.
It doesn’t matter if you like it or not, at least he would have got you something.
Emotions are heightened at these times of year. I would advise that you smile through Xmas for you children then, when the anger/disappointment has died down, take time to look at your relationship and see if it’s what you still want.

"He always gets something for his sisters as he wouldn't want to upset them. Just not me apparently"

Oh my fucking god! So he didn't 'forget' them then? Buying presents for his sisters didn't prompt him to 'remember' he had a wife to choose a present for? That is gobsmacking.

The sheer damned LACK OF RESPECT this man is showing you is just breathtaking.

Your youngest gets it. What about your older two, are they following their father's shockingly poor example?

"I'm done with making it all nice for everyone and now feeling forgotten and unimportant."
I'd be doing exactly that too. YANBU.

For all the people saying "Just do less", or "Christmas stuff are unnecessary" and "Christmas doesn't need to be special"

To YOU. Christmas isn't special TO YOU. YOU don't care that much about it. YOU might be okay with not receiving gifts. YOU might think it's just another day but come the fuck on, you know you're the exception to the rule. Christmas is fucking huge. It's massive. It's a big event to millions of people. It's important to people who celebrate it. If it didn't matter, why would iChristmas even be a thing at all?

It is important in OP's family. It is important to the husband and children that they receive gifts, have the decorations up, have the big meal with the trimmings etc. They just don't care their wife/mum wants that too. And it's shit for her.

@damnthatanxiety

Could I suggest that you ask MN HQ to move your thread to Relationships? Just a thought, but I feel you might get more understanding over there.

And to add my tuppence-worth, YANBU. At all.

Buy yourself something really nice, OP. I know it's not the point, but do it anyway.

Can't blame you for being upset. I would be telling DH to sleep on the couch.

Everyone should pull their weight in the coming days. Make this a fresh start in how everyone treats one another, in the household.

@Frenchdressing

I don’t want to diminish your upset but personally I feel some adults are over invested in Xmas presents. Some people are great at present buying but many are not. You generally have a good relationship and he’s been busy. It’s disappointing but hardly a catastrophe.

My DH is rubbish at presents so if I want something specific I tell him in advance. Otherwise he has no clue.

Fair enough to milk the situation so you can have a nice Xmas but I don’t think it’s worth taking the massive hump over.

Well that's fine. If that works for YOU. But you are not the OP are you? So perhaps try to have a bit of sympathy instead of being so sneery. Ffs.

Yes, don't ruin Christmas for yourself even more or your DD

Why are posters so patronising? She doesnt need to be told not to spoil it, she isnt a child. How sad that putting your foot down and letting your husband know HIS behaviour is unacceptable results in these cries of "dont spoil it"

SHE is the one who has made xmas by the sounds of it. HE has spoilt it

How remotely do you live that a teenager couldn't have gone to a shop in the last few weeks? Even if there is some reason she couldn't go alone she could ask her dad or older siblings for help, online shopping perhaps. Maybe you have made too many excuses for them in the past. Why are you needing to make sure adults buy a present for their father? It sounds like you want a different Christmas to the rest of the family.

I wouldn't ruin this Christmas, bit too much cutting your nose off to spite your face, but sit down and discuss what everyone wants from Christmas. I don't buy my husband anything, he doesn't buy me anything, we both decided years ago that it was a waste as don't need or want anything, if we want something during the year we buy it. That is a valid decision, some families do a secret santa, some do a challenge e.g. a £5 present or a charity shop present. I saw somethng I knew he'd like (online) last week and ordered it. He's enjoying it now, it wasn't a Christmas present it was something I knew he'd enjoy and he does similar. Much more meaningful than feeling compelled to do Christmas.

I know it is hard but I think you have to accept that you have played a part in this and perhaps your idea of what is lovely and magical is just a pain in the arse to the rest of the family.

What has his reaction been since he realised he ‘forgot’ Christmas?

Yanbu and I really understand. It is not so much the lack of present as the lack of consideration. The lack of really seeing you. It's horrible and it's really hard to come back from because even if he gets something you will always know that he didn't think of you. I am pretty pissed off this morning as my teenage son told me ages ago he wanted to get me a "really nice present" and DH asked him today what he had got me - nothing. But he's a child so I will forgive him of course but it's so much worse coming from a partner. I always got or made presents for everyone in the family when I was growing up.

But you are not the OP are you? So perhaps try to have a bit of sympathy instead of being so sneery. Ffs And the OP isn't her family, they don't all have to share her vision of the perfect, magical Christmas.

@ancientgran

But you are not the OP are you? So perhaps try to have a bit of sympathy instead of being so sneery. Ffs And the OP isn't her family, they don't all have to share her vision of the perfect, magical Christmas.

But she’s not asking for a perfect magical Christmas. Just some appreciation of her as a wife, mother and person.

On Tuesday I forgot to go to get a blood test & flu jab. I am highly motivated to do this, I hate the idea of being a no-show, yet I still forgot. I was driving around the area, planned to include it in my errands, then just drove past and did something else. My head was spinning with all the changes to Christmas and I just don't seem to be able to keep everything in my head any more. I forget things to do with close family too, and friends.

Is it age or exhaustion or overwhelm? I don't know, but I do know I don't forget because I don't care. I know it looks like it and it horrifies me, because I really, really care. I'm trying to give him a little benefit of the doubt.

@madroid

I'm going to go against the grain here OP and say put it to one side now.

With everything going on this year, it's important to make the most of your time on this earth and the ones you love.

Put all the thoughts and feelings in a box mentally and try to do Christmas as normal. Then afterwards speak properly to your DH.

Tell him in words of one syllable how you expect birthdays, Mothers Day and Christmas to be conducted. Tell him he's on last chance saloon. If MD and your birthday don't show improvement, then book a holiday away next Christmas just for you.

I agree with this^

Happy Christmas to you op. You are not forgotten (although I know it feels like it) your dc will remember and appreciate all the efforts you have made at Christmas over the years xx

Are people who think the poster is wrong to take the hump all sneery and nasty. Is no one allowed to disagree? A grown woman taking the hump because she hasn’t got a present is a bit much seeing as she hasn’t told anyone what she wants and has always done Christmas and not complained. If you had told them what you wanted and said you would like some help a few weeks ago they would have done so. Yes? Why not try It out next year and I bet they will. Not that you are interested but I buy my own present, he buys his own. I cook the dinner as I enjoy it, it takes me 1 hour at most to decorate the house, I go get the tree, it takes 1 hour. I don’t expect any thanks because I like doing it. If you don’t like doing it ask for help. If you are unhappy sit on the sofa all day in a huff as everyone else has recommended. I am allowed to do it differently without being shouted down.

That is shit Op.

I’ll admit I haven’t read the whole thread but i have a theory that when women put huge emphasis on presents from their husbands/partners it’s because they feel undervalued in the relationship as a whole. It’s not presents that are the issue, it’s the marriage.

@Gentleness

On Tuesday I forgot to go to get a blood test & flu jab. I am highly motivated to do this, I hate the idea of being a no-show, yet I still forgot. I was driving around the area, planned to include it in my errands, then just drove past and did something else. My head was spinning with all the changes to Christmas and I just don't seem to be able to keep everything in my head any more. I forget things to do with close family too, and friends.

Is it age or exhaustion or overwhelm? I don't know, but I do know I don't forget because I don't care. I know it looks like it and it horrifies me, because I really, really care. I'm trying to give him a little benefit of the doubt.

But this isn't a one-off Gentleness. This has been going on for years and OP has posted "But it's not just this Christmas. It's all celebrations. He used to be great. Now not 😢". You are being too generous towards him.

i have a theory that when women put huge emphasis on presents from their husbands/partners it’s because they feel undervalued in the relationship as a whole.

Well I think that's a given. But if someone can remember to buy presents for the whole family but not his wife then they have every right to feel undervalued.