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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

166 replies

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:11

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

OP posts:
audweb · 23/12/2020 23:13

I would have just gone to bed by myself? Why do you have to go together especially if he works shifts and you have to get up early?!

OrangeSlices998 · 23/12/2020 23:13

Why didn’t you just say I’m tired I’m off to bed, see you up there, and go to bed? Do you have to go together?

yellowmaoampinball · 23/12/2020 23:14

Just go to bed separately and leave him to do the chores whenever he wants. I'd not be impressed to come in from work and be made to eat at a certain time, do my chores and go to bed - I'd feel like a kid.

Thatsnotmynamename · 23/12/2020 23:15

I'd have eaten much earlier myself and saved him some and gone to bed when tired. I can not imagine very night only going to bed when my husband wants to - and we get up at the same time as each other.

Caesious · 23/12/2020 23:15

You sound like really hard work to be honest. If you’re tired, surely you could have just gone to bed? I never “insist” that my DH does anything because he’s an adult and can make his own decisions.

rookiemere · 23/12/2020 23:15

Why don't you eat when you're hungry and go to bed when you're tired ? That would solve all your issues quite quickly.

Nicknacky · 23/12/2020 23:16

Just have dinner earlier and go to bed in your own time.

I work shifts and couldn’t go to bed not long after coming in, I need to wind down first.

Lemmeout · 23/12/2020 23:16

It’s a really horrible time at the moment and have my share of losing my shit with people I care about because they are flipping lazy sometimes, go easy of yourself and each other. Offer an olive branch, or find an obvious substitute as a jokey way to reconcile. You might stew all day tomorrow if not.

Original poster
Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:17

@audweb @OrangeSlices998
No we don't have to go together but do try to make a conscious effort (both shift workers) so it's not frequent that we can do this, so a bit of a luxury really.

It's more that I felt like if I'd just got up and gone to bed, I'd feel bad about the chores as he wanted it done tonight. If I didn't do it, I've effectively ruined our evening as he wouldn't have been in a great mood but equally I was almost falling asleep and just couldn't be bothered

OP posts:
MistletoeandGin · 23/12/2020 23:17

I’d have eaten when I was hungry and gone to bed when I was tired.

Thatsnotmynamename · 23/12/2020 23:17

Oh, and I'd have just left whatever the chore was for him to do in the morning. Not in an aggressive way, just that it could wait.

yellowmaoampinball · 23/12/2020 23:18

But he was going to do the chores - you stopped him because you wanted to eat. You also say he was off in the morning and could do them then. Why did you create a huge argument about them?

Jenifirtree · 23/12/2020 23:19

He hadnt long since been home from work. He wont want to go straight to bed. Youre an adult and can put yourself to bed. Youd already asked him to do the chore so leave him to it.

You sound very controlling.

Crimblecrumble1990 · 23/12/2020 23:19

Surely if the chore was that minor it could have waited until tomorrow? Why was he saying that you needed to do it? Definitely don't do the going to bed at the same time thing if it causes angst. Seems unnecessary.

okokok000 · 23/12/2020 23:20

I'd apologise if I were you.

LawnFever · 23/12/2020 23:21

You’ve caused a row out of nowhere Confused

Why didn’t you eat when you wanted to, save your DP some time heat up when he wanted it, go to bed when you’re tired & let him sort his own chores that need doing...

Sleep on it, and apologise in the morning

Original poster
Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:21

I have no idea. Maybe IABU.

With regards to eating late- it's become routine, unless one of us is finishing at midnight/later we often wait for the other person to come home to have dinner together. Not always, and neither would be remotely offended if hadn't. I just filled my time up with other tasks till he got back.

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 23/12/2020 23:22

I really don’t understand couples who always go to bed at the same time even if one is exhausted or the other wants to watch something late on TV.
I have a friend whose husband insists they go to bed at the same time even if she is falling asleep in her chair and he wants to watch a late film.
Eat when you are hungry , go to bed when you are tired .

ThatsMySantaHisBeardIsSoFluffy · 23/12/2020 23:22

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Superstardjs · 23/12/2020 23:23

YWBVU - you were quite able to eat dinner and go to bed without him.

coldwaterfeed · 23/12/2020 23:23

Why did he say he wanted to clear up the bits before dinner and then not even do them after dinner?

Would you have been happy for them to wait until the morning but felt they had to be done tonight as he mentioned them?

1Morewineplease · 23/12/2020 23:23

Mountain/molehill.

Ughmaybenot · 23/12/2020 23:23

Oh give me strength. Eat when you wanna eat, go to bed when you’re tired, you’re not joined to him by the hip. You sound pretty controlling tbh.

ThorsMistress · 23/12/2020 23:24

My partner works late every night. So I cook dinner and eat mine, leaving his for him to eat once he’s home. We very rarely go to bed together too.

You could of done the same. It would of saved this agro.

The minor chore could of been left until the morning! It seems you’ve created an argument over absolutely nothing.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:24

I miss the days when people didn’t feel the need to say “key worker”. It covers so many jobs it’s meaningless and it’s wholly irrelevant to your post. Whatever job you do you’re tired when you get in from a long day.

If you were exhausted you should have eaten and left him a plate. And then gone to bed. I’m sure he’d rather you’d done that than waited then had a massive go at him.

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