Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

[Siw2020]

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

I wouldn't expect DP to come to bed with me if I had to be up early and he didn't. Maybe he just wanted to chill out, and he WAS going to do the chore before, but you stopped him to have dinner.

For the life of me I really can't understand why the fact that he decided he wanted to do chores at a particular time meant that it became your responsibility to do them when he chose. From now on, resolve that if he wants chores done at a particular time then it's up to him to do them.

Apologising is the person in the wrong acknowledging it. It doesn't skew who is in if it is a genuine apology. What did he do? Not go to bed when you wanted? You sound like hard work.

Op it sounded like you needed to eat earlier and go chill in bed and let him catch up

@MaryLeeOnHigh

For the life of me I really can't understand why the fact that he decided he wanted to do chores at a particular time meant that it became your responsibility to do them when he chose. From now on, resolve that if he wants chores done at a particular time then it's up to him to do them.

Except the OP stopped him from doing the chores at a time of his choosing.

What would his reaction have been if he’d come home and you’d already eaten?

What would his reaction be if you just went to be before him?

Why did you have to do the chore he wanted doing to ‘keep the peace’? What are the consequences of not keeping the peace?

Yabu.
I get the trying to go bed at the same time. DH and I, long time ago, worked different shifts and basically haven't seen each other for days, BUT you don't do it to your or other's detriment. If you are that tired, just go to bed.

Also, you CAN have down time. You don't need to do unnecessary things. He has morning off tomorrow. He could have wrapped the presents, for example. Don't martyr and then moan.

I am now just really curious what the "task/chore" was tbh.

You could’ve eaten earlier and gone bed on your own. You don’t need to eat and go to bed at the same time. I think you overreacted OP.

Bloody hell, OP, just relax! Go to bed at different times. My Dh went to bed 30 minutes ago, he has to be up at 5.30, I don’t. Chill out.

1. I would have eaten earlier
2. If you are too tired to do the chores tonight and he wanted them done he could do them
3. Go to bed when you want to

Yes, in future if you’re starving just have your dinner. If you want to spend time together while he’s eating later, have a cup of tea or a glass of wine and sit with him while he eats.

I also can’t understand why you’re so upset about this. My advice is to get some sleep and think about it all. Maybe it will come to you why something is off, but from what you’ve posted I can’t see it.

Honestly struggling to see what he's done wrong tbh! You've apologised and that was the right thing to do because you flew off the handle over nothing!

YABU!!
Eat when your hungry and go to bed when you're tired! Your DP stated he wanted to do a chore first, you said no and then you got angry with him. Controlling much?

Why do you have to go to bed at the same time? That's a daft rule. What if one of you isn't tired? Do you just lie there for a couple of hours til you eventually nod off?

You seem very hung up on who's right and who's wrong. That's not how relationships work. You're two people with different backgrounds and expectations and wants trying to live together. That involves compromise at every turn.

My husband is similar. When something needs to be done it cannot wait. I, on the other hand prioritize meals and eating when the food is ready. It’s tough! I think he’s a complete heathen as obviously food should come first! . But I try to remember that he feels as strongly about the things that are important to him as I do my own priorities. That’s really hard to do when it’s 10PM and he thinks we need to vacuum.

It doesn’t matter if your DH thinks he has the moral high ground now. What matters is that you did the right thing on your end and apologized. We can only control our own behavior and you made your end right by making peace.

Ahhh it’ll all blow over. It’s cathartic to have a bit of a petty strop sometimes. In future, just go to bed alone if he’s faffing.

if I'd just got up and gone to bed, I'd feel bad about the chores as he wanted it done tonight.

But not enough to get up and do them himself after dinner. I'd have said 'it'll be fine till morning' and then if he desperately wanted it done, he would need to sort it himself.

Have these chores actually been done tonight now, or not? If not, don't you jump in and do them tomorrow.

I can’t believe the replies. You both worked all day, you cooked a meal you wanted to enjoy together.
He then kept on at you do tidy up when you were tired? Is this right?

As you said. all very petty and silly. Just go to bed when you are tired.

@MaryLeeOnHigh

For the life of me I really can't understand why the fact that he decided he wanted to do chores at a particular time meant that it became your responsibility to do them when he chose. From now on, resolve that if he wants chores done at a particular time then it's up to him to do them.

He was trying to do them.

She made him stop so they could eat.

To me it sounds like he got home from work and wanted to stay up and chill for a bit seeing as though he didn't have to get up early for work the next morning. It's a perfectly normal thing to want to do.

After dinner, when he asked her to do the chores, the OP should have just said, sorry I'm tired, I'm heading off to bed.

If he was a dick about this, I could see the point, but I can't see how he was a dick. He wanted to do the chores when he got in but agreed to wait until after dinner.

BUT, obviously, we don't know the full background of their relationship, so maybe there's a lot more to this. I don't know.

@vodkaredbullgirl

Reminds me why I've stayed single all this time lol

This kind of message is a bit tricky because it sort of implies that relationships are all unhealthy and fraught like the OPs and that people choose between either being in one like that or being single. It's possible to be in a happy, healthy balanced healthy relationship rather than either of the two extremes.

OP it does sound like there's a lot of underlying resentment and tension at least on your side within this relationship and that's meant the incident has turned from molehill to mountain.

I know myself in a previous relationship I was a real martyr and because of that I set my ex up to fail. That doesn't take away the fact he was a lazy prick, but I now can take ownership of the fact I did that. Could that be at play here? Not an attack on you, a genuine question that may be helpful in you moving forward as it was for me.