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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

166 replies

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:11

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

OP posts:
KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 24/12/2020 07:06

What has he done that's wrong? He can't in from work and wanted to crack on and get a few bits done so he could then sit and relax before bed. You told him to stop because you were hungry and had chosen not to eat before he got home after a later shift. He then didn't get up and resume the chores (motivation lost and interrupted by you), having done what you asked of him rather than do them when he was going to, he asked you to do it. You then lost your shit threw him out of your shared bedroom and stormed off. You should've either eaten and gone to bed when you wanted or let him get on with what he was doing when he got home, if it was only a small chore it wouldn't have taken long before dinner. You sound like a nightmare and not the person I'd want to come home to after a long shift just before Christmas.

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 24/12/2020 07:16

@MistletoeandGin

I’d have eaten when I was hungry and gone to bed when I was tired.
Exactly this. Unless he demands you eat together and go to bed together you caused the argument.
NorbertMeubles · 24/12/2020 07:17

You do sound needy and pathetic. Go to bed when you are tired, not when someone else is and stop making a mountain out of a mole hill. The whole set up sounds ridiculous.

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/12/2020 07:20

Something probably feels wrong because you started screaming at him. Something most people on here would immediately term emotional abuse. And you’ve had your arse handed to you so apparently apologised. If you don’t want to ruin Christmas in your home then for gods sake just let it go and resolve not to resort to shouting in future.

Nowaynothappening · 24/12/2020 07:24

Sounds so forced. Just eat when you’re hungry and go to bed when you’re tired. You should have left the chore for him to do in the morning.

ThelmaNotLouise · 24/12/2020 07:29

@Siw2020

Update

For what it's worth - I've apologised, he's accepted. Probably makes him feel like it was obvious that I am definitely in the wrong which I'm not sure is really the case. Something doesn't feel quite right. He's back in our room though, asleep. Yet I'm still up and feeling a bit shit.
He probably feels like he has the moral high ground because I apologised. We don't argue often and I don't find it difficult to apologise but I think it can skew perception of who's in the right/wrong.

Deep down you don't believe you're in the wrong, do you? All I know from growing up in a house where my dad did shift work late into the evening is that he needed hours to decompress after coming home. Your DH actually wanted to do chores – that's a good thing!

I think you need to relax about always eating and going to bed together. It sounds very regimented.

Dishwashersaurous · 24/12/2020 07:31

Stop insisting that you both eat and go to bed at the same time.

Sit down and work out an evening when you are not both working and spend quality time together

Fbtw · 24/12/2020 07:35

I’m future, just eat when you’re hungry and if you’re that tired, go to bed.

2BDIs · 24/12/2020 07:38

Yabu. He had just got in from work and probably wanted to wind down. I know I do when I get in. He obvs works in a hospital if key worker and getting in so late in the evening. Why do you dictate his bedtime, you are not his mother and he is not a child. You had to be up early he doesn't. You should be the one apologising here for being incredibly childish and maybe think about others a little more in future before you have your little strops

Fedup21 · 24/12/2020 07:44

@Fbtw

I’m future, just eat when you’re hungry and if you’re that tired, go to bed.
This!

You’re adult-behave like one.

Fbtw · 24/12/2020 07:45

*in

AlternativePerspective · 24/12/2020 07:46

If my partner moved my stuff into the spare room after an argument it would be the first and last time.

it wouldn’t matter what had come before and how much he apologised, silent treatment and that kind of exclusion is emotionally abusive behaviour and would be an immediate deal breaker for me.

CodenameVillanelle · 24/12/2020 07:47

The nice effect of going to bed together is completely ruined if one of you is knackered and grumpy and the other one isn't tired yet. Stop doing that. If you're both there and both ready for bed and feeling nice then by all means but it feels really forced when you aren't on the same schedule.
You should have eaten when you were hungry but as you waited it would have been fine to just go to bed when you were ready. Insisting on him coming too then getting grumpy when he wasn't ready totally defeated the object.
However you also said he would be grumpy if you didn't tidy his things up - what's with that?

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 08:03

@coldwaterfeed
Yes exactly. I think he was on a roll when he first got in, wanted to get whatever needs doing sorted before sitting down and chilling out.

I felt it could wait till the morning but knew to keep the peace one of us has to do it and it didn't look like he would move.

So he exoected you to do it? He sounds controlling, OP. What would he have said if you didn’t get up and do the chore?

Think I just felt a bit put out that I am not allowed to have a bit of down time. Although I did the task I was snappy back. Now that I've had a chance to reflect , I guess he just wanted down time too.

Yes, he’s allowed downtime but so are you! How has it ended up in a situation where he mentions a chore (that he could have done this morning) and you feel the pressure of it on you until it gets done?

For what it's worth - I've apologised, he's accepted. Probably makes him feel like it was obvious that I am definitely in the wrong which I'm not sure is really the case. Something doesn't feel quite right. He's back in our room though, asleep. Yet I'm still up and feeling a bit shit.

Something doesn’t well right because it isn’t. He has effectively controlled you into doing a chore that he wanted to be done at night, (and that he could have done yesterday morning) when you feel it could wait until the morning.

What’s the division of housework like?

Lightsontbut · 24/12/2020 08:05

I don't think it's healthy to expect to go to bed together TBH. Your OH was knackered and you were pressurising him to do things so you could go to bed as you were tired. That's not great really. Hopefully he will accept an apology easily given that everyone is so stressed at the moment.

IrisAtwood · 24/12/2020 08:05

My ex husband used to insist on me going to bed at the same time as him, even if he was working 2am until 12pm and went to bed at 7pm and I was working 9 - 5pm. He was controlling and abusive.

I’m not suggesting that you are either of these things, but as an adult can’t you go to bed on your own and leave your DP to do what he wants? Otherwise you are treating him like a child.

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 08:08

Your OH was knackered and you were pressurising him to do things so you could go to bed as you were tired. That's not great really

But the point is that OP felt the tidying could wait until the morning, but felt pressured by HIM to do it. Why are so many people missing that?!

Fbtw · 24/12/2020 08:18

I say 6 amd 2 3s on that one coz she insisted they had dinner first.

AlternativePerspective · 24/12/2020 08:22

But the point is that OP felt the tidying could wait until the morning, but felt pressured by HIM to do it. Why are so many people missing that?! the OP expected him to put off the tidying until after dinner because she wanted to eat now then felt the tidying could wait until morning because she didn’t want to do it tonight.

He’d wanted the tidying done before dinner but because she refused to let him he asked her to do it instead.

The controlling one here is the OP.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 24/12/2020 08:23

Perhaps because he had wanted to do the chores when he got home, but she was starving so she made him eat first. If he’d done the chores before having his dinner it wouldn’t have been an issue. I missed that the first time around.

@Siw2020 The eating together no matter how odd the time and having to wait until you’re starving/going to bed together no matter how inconvenient for either one of you ‘rule’ seems to be causing more problems than the benefits it might bring. Maybe try not to be rigid about it and instead look for other ways to promote closeness and intimacy.

It doesn’t actually matter who was right or wrong in this specific instance, in fact it might be that you were each half right and half wrong. But if there’s a pattern by which he or you are too controlling and/or demanding then that needs to be adjusted.

Fbtw · 24/12/2020 08:25

And moving his stuff to the spare room? So the op didn’t go to the spare room herself but moved his stuff out? What stuff?

You’d only ever do that to me once and never again.

Billben · 24/12/2020 08:27

@MistletoeandGin

I’d have eaten when I was hungry and gone to bed when I was tired.
Exactly this. And the tidying up could have waited as well. There is no way I’d let myself get to the point of extreme hunger or tiredness for the reasons you’ve quoted. Who deals with shit like this at 10-11PM at night?
coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 08:32

@AlternativePerspective
the OP expected him to put off the tidying until after dinner because she wanted to eat now then felt the tidying could wait until morning because she didn’t want to do it tonight.

OP has waited until 9.30pm to eat, she was starving!

Everyone here is assuming that it’s OP who insists they eat together and go to bed at the same time but given how much pressure OP felt to get up and do the chore that he wanted done, I think it may be the other way round.

The controlling one here is the OP.

So gets the chores done for him and OP is controlling?

CeeceeBloomingdale · 24/12/2020 08:35

Much ado about nothing. Eat and go to bed to your own schedule. As you are also a shift worker you must realise he will need to wind down after work. Your outburst was ridiculous and you should.mean the apology, not continue to think you are right. Your behaviour of forcing him into the spare room is ludicrous.

nannybeach · 24/12/2020 08:43

I am surprised by the posts, on here, I really thought they would all say, "poor you, yes make the bloke clear up,insist when he goes to bed etc)I was a key worker, night nursing, we both had a long commute,ate at different times, went to bed a t different times, still do.Different body clocks.