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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

166 replies

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:11

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Summerdayshaze · 23/12/2020 23:25

What were the “chores”?

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:27

And why didn’t you do the minor chore while you were waiting for him to come home/shower?

If you were less vague people would have more to go on. If it was something like folding clean then who cares?

MistletoeandGin · 23/12/2020 23:27

I’m a bit confused here. To me it’s so obvious you were being unreasonable and petty that it seems like an odd question to ask. But I could be missing something.
He wanted to do a particular chore. You asked him not to and to eat dinner instead because you were hungry. He then asked you to do the chore. You said you were too tired. Then you had an ‘outburst’ at him, did the chore while ‘whinging and whining’ and told him to sleep in another room.
How are you not the one being unreasonable?

Aprilx · 23/12/2020 23:27

I would have had my dinner earlier. I also would have gone to bed when tired, it is quite rare for me and DH to go to bed at the same time.

ktp100 · 23/12/2020 23:29

Just apologise for acting like a knob & then go to sleep!!

Original poster
Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:29

@coldwaterfeed
Yes exactly. I think he was on a roll when he first got in, wanted to get whatever needs doing sorted before sitting down and chilling out.

I felt it could wait till the morning but knew to keep the peace one of us has to do it and it didn't look like he would move.

I've talked myself into realising iabu. Thanks everyone for the input. Not making excuses but I've also had a long day (just started slightly earlier and finished slightly sooner than him) and been doing other bits like wrapping presents (including his wrapping) while waiting for him to get back.
Think I just felt a bit put out that I am not allowed to have a bit of down time. Although I did the task I was snappy back. Now that I've had a chance to reflect , I guess he just wanted down time too.

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:32

You sound a bit pathetic and needy.

You don’t. Please don’t listen to this, we don’t know why that poster needs to say it but it really does say more about them than it does about you.

Gardeniaofdelights · 23/12/2020 23:32

Everyone’s a bit fraught at the moment OP. Go and apologise now and get it sorted before bed - you’ll both feel better for not stewing on it Flowers

yellowmaoampinball · 23/12/2020 23:33

You didn't allow yourself downtime. Don't martyr yourself, if you've had a long, tiring day then it's perfectly fine to eat early and get to bed early and leave the chores to your other half. Particularly if you're up early again the next day.

OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:33

I felt it could wait till the morning but knew to keep the peace one of us has to do it and it didn't look like he would move.

But you’re the one being unreasonable Hmm
Why does his feeling that it needs to be done now, and apparently by you, trump your feeling it could wait until tomorrow?

MistletoeandGin · 23/12/2020 23:34

Think I just felt a bit put out that I am not allowed to have a bit of down time

You could have had downtime. You didn’t need to do the chore and you could have gone to bed at any point.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:36

You are making excuses and you did have down time.

Is your use of “keep the peace” to make him sound horrible and controlling so someone tells you to contact women’s aid and LTB?

You were 100% wrong to start an unprovoked shouting attack on someone who was watching tv after getting in from work late. Just put your phone down, get some sleep and apologise properly in the morning.

OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:36

You didn’t need to do the chore and you could have gone to bed at any point.

Yup, if you live with someone that doesn’t punish you for making that decision.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 23/12/2020 23:37

If he wants the chores done he can do them in the morning when he has time at home. If he strips about that he has a problem that needs addressing.

It’s ridiculous that you have to wait up for him to the detriment of your sleep when you’re falling asleep and you have an early sleep.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/12/2020 23:37

I can understand wanting to eat together, particularly if you do shifts and don't get to do that often.

But I don't see why, if you were that tired, you couldn't have just taken yourself off to bed without insisting he came with you? It's not realistic to expect to go to bed every night at the same time if you live together.

On the other hand everyone's exhausted and depressed and nerves are frayed so I'd just apologise and put it behind you. It doesn't sound like a huge issue.

MistletoeandGin · 23/12/2020 23:38

@OppsUpsSide

You didn’t need to do the chore and you could have gone to bed at any point.

Yup, if you live with someone that doesn’t punish you for making that decision.

The OP hasn’t said she’d have been punished for it has she? Or have I missed a post?
OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:39

but knew to keep the peace one of us has to do it

If you’ve experienced it, you know.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 23/12/2020 23:40

*strops.

Stripping about it would be very odd.

caringcarer · 23/12/2020 23:42

OP you are tired, you will feel better in the morning. Take him a cup of tea in bed before you go to work. All sorted. Don't feel bad as a lot of people see the new cases and death figures both rising up and feel desperately sad. The way we get hopefully about the vaccines only for two new mutant strains to emerge and they are looking now to see if the South African one might be immune to the vaccines. It is so unsettling. I have had a stupid argument with my DH tonight over nothing really. He has a few boxes in lounge and I keep asking him to put them away and he says it's ony list of things to do, then he sits down and watches the football. Then the news, then tired and goes to bed. I annoyed do refuse to go to bed and instead make cakes. Then ice them and put 16 in a large tin for my adult son to take to work tomorrow. I have hid the rest so DH can't scoff them. He has had 3 days holiday off from work as it is use it or lose it and he was supposed to be helping me tidy and wrap presents, which he has not done for 2 days now.

Original poster
Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:43

Thanks for all the responses.

I conclude I obviously did overreact and I'm not entirely sure why. Yet ultimately I feel like I'm paying the price for it as still up at this hour and agonising over my conduct while he's still watching TV or probably gaming at this point.

OP posts:
Gandalf456 · 23/12/2020 23:43

Yanbu if he wanted the chore done there and then but wasn't prepared to do it himself. Am I right in assuming you'd have been happy to have it left til the morning?

I used to fall out with my husband over this sort of thing but now I just say, 'If you want it done now/this way, you're doing it ' and engage in no further discussion

OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:43

OP the first time I posted on MN (years ago) I posted on AIBU and got my arse handed to me, 10 years later I had my arse handed to me again because I hadn’t LTB Hmm
I honestly think you should post on the Relationships board, maybe everything is fine and partners do treat you like this, make you do chores they want doing and guilt trip you like this, make you question yourself like this, and it’s all fine. But in my experience, it wasn’t fine and it certainly didn’t end up fine.
I’m not saying LTB I am saying do some further reading and don’t look for help on AIBU.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 23/12/2020 23:45

Oh fgs an early shift.

My DH and I had a row yesterday. We hardly ever argue and this was a bad one. I think things are quite fraught atm and once in a while tempers will flare.

Tomorrow’s another day.

OppsUpsSide · 23/12/2020 23:46

Lindy Bancroft “Why does he do that”

Might be right for you in your situation, it might not, but no harm in checking it out.

Take care.

HangOnToYourself · 23/12/2020 23:49

It does sound like you were knackered and just lost your temper, its happens. You were unreasonable so if I were you I'd go and apologise, I wouldnt be able to sleep on an argument. In future you should poor more focus on meeting your own needs rather than worrying about doing things together