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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

166 replies

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:11

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Eckhart · 24/12/2020 08:43

It sounds like you put put your needs to the back of your priority list. He wanted the chores done, not you. You were too tired. But you felt that you would ruin the evening if you didn't do the chores.

It doesn't make sense.

I imagine that the reason you still feel this is unsettled is that you've put him entirely in the right, and yourself entirely in the wrong. It looks like you wanted to apologise for your reaction to your feelings, but feel that the feelings themselves were justified. It's important to remember that feelings and reactions to feelings are not the same thing.

You must always validate your own feelings. Recognise them, respect them, and then put them out to people in an appropriate way, even if the feelings seem strange and you're not sure why you feel them.

It's not about right and wrong. He is allowed his feelings, and you are allowed yours. In a close relationship, it is the responsibility of each partner to look after their own feelings, and those of the other person. When a falling out occurs, blame sets you as opponents, but you were both right and you were both wrong. Your goal is to feel comfortable and respected again, isn't it? Apologise for your response if you feel it was inappropriate. Explain your feelings clearly, and listen to his. Try to understand each other. If you can't do this, then you both need to work on the communication within your relationship, because right now, the placing of responsibilities is all wrong.

HollyandIvyandallthingsYule · 24/12/2020 08:46

[quote coldwaterfeed]@AlternativePerspective
the OP expected him to put off the tidying until after dinner because she wanted to eat now then felt the tidying could wait until morning because she didn’t want to do it tonight.

OP has waited until 9.30pm to eat, she was starving!

Everyone here is assuming that it’s OP who insists they eat together and go to bed at the same time but given how much pressure OP felt to get up and do the chore that he wanted done, I think it may be the other way round.

The controlling one here is the OP.

So gets the chores done for him and OP is controlling?[/quote]
Yes I agree, it definitely does make a big difference if it’s the other party that insists OP must wait for him to eat. It’s not really clear whether this is something they’ve agreed on together or whether it’s something OP has imposed, or something he has imposed. Same with the going to bed together rule.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 24/12/2020 08:52

Why do you have to go to bed together ? If your tired go to bed

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 24/12/2020 08:54

Also unless the chore was feeding the dog couldn't it be done tomorrow

SimonJT · 24/12/2020 08:54

Just eat when you’re hungry and go to bed when you’re tired.

My partner doesn’t get home until 6:30, I eat at 5:30 with my son and heat my partners food up for 7:00pm. He goes to bed at 9:30pm, I go at 11:30pmish.

Living with a partner doesn’t mean you have to do everything at the same time, or do things the same way. That would drive most people insane.

PurpleFlower1983 · 24/12/2020 08:56

@Siw2020

Update

For what it's worth - I've apologised, he's accepted. Probably makes him feel like it was obvious that I am definitely in the wrong which I'm not sure is really the case. Something doesn't feel quite right. He's back in our room though, asleep. Yet I'm still up and feeling a bit shit.
He probably feels like he has the moral high ground because I apologised. We don't argue often and I don't find it difficult to apologise but I think it can skew perception of who's in the right/wrong.

This post makes you sound like really hard work and over dramatic. Let it go.

TammyHullfigure · 24/12/2020 08:56

@vodkaredbullgirl

Same here! God, these petty relationship dramas - nope, do not understand. Why would you insist on going bed at the same time?!

ILoveYoga · 24/12/2020 09:02

Frankly, to avoid this type of situation again, if you break it down into pieces you have

You’re hungry and waiting for him to come home

You’re hungrier abd now waiting for him to have a shower before eating together

You’re tired and want to go to bed

He’s de compressing in the sofa

You want him to do a small chore

You want the chore done at that time because you want to go to bed

So what happens is you were over hungry and over tired

He was doing his routine of what he does when he gets in from work (showering) and after eating needs to decompress

He does t need to get up early so he doesn’t need to go to sleep then snd is likely still unwinding

If you both agree that your routine needs to be altered due to your shifts, stress and strain could be greatly reduced

You eat dinner earlier, put everything away except a plate for him

This way you’re not hangry waiting for him to come home and hangrier waiting for him to shower

You can chat with him while he eats and watch a bit of telly. Then you go to sleep when you’re tired. He can continue to relax and unwind, decompress

You will both be much happier, less stress.

CandyLeBonBon · 24/12/2020 09:05

How very bizarre. It's like you're point scoring op?

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 24/12/2020 09:21

Your update is bizarre, bordering on sinister. You need to stop and move on.

Brefugee · 24/12/2020 09:33

Have you not been together very long, OP?

Way back in the mists of time when we hadn't been married long we worked different shifts. We soon worked out that it is better to eat when we were hungry and sleep when we were tired. We were on pretty much opposite shifts for weeks on end sometimes and communicated via notes on the fridge door, regarding shopping, what food we were going to make or fancied, what needed doing around the house. Both of us took care of things and when we were off together or managed to eat together it was great.

But at no time did we insist the other did chores (still would love to know what these chores were, OP) when they were tired, or wait to eat if they were hungry, or insist that they stay up if they were tired.

If this has been going on a while you both might want to have a bit of a rethink.

TonMoulin · 24/12/2020 09:36

I felt it could wait till the morning but knew to keep the peace one of us has to do it and it didn't look like he would move.

That tells me YANBU.
And that. It’s not about that. Particular instance. But about the fact it has to be his way (or he’ll be grumpy? And he expects you to step up to his standards)

Having said that, I think you need to learn to express what you want rather than dropping hints. Either it will make things much easier or he will show himself as a twat who only thinks of himself

ThirstyGhost · 24/12/2020 09:38

I just think this is the sort of shitty minor argument that happens sometimes when you're both tired, hungry and a bit frazzled. You've apologised and he's accepted so just try not to stew on it. Good he's accepted it. I'm always reading on here about men sulking after arguments so it's good to read about one who isn't!

Totally get how you're trying to get time together by going to bed/eating at the same time. It's so difficult when you're working shifts. But I'd just start going to bed when I'm tired more often. Don't beat yourself up. It's been a horrible year, it's Christmas (petty argument central) and you were tired and frazzled.

Whammyyammy · 24/12/2020 09:40

Stopped reading on second paragraph when you said 'key worker'

TonMoulin · 24/12/2020 09:41

Why @Whammyyammy, all key workers are angels and we should all bow their every desire?

Gonkytonk · 24/12/2020 09:43

@MistletoeandGin

I’d have eaten when I was hungry and gone to bed when I was tired.

So this.

JohnMcClane · 24/12/2020 09:53

@Oldbutstillgotit

I really don’t understand couples who always go to bed at the same time even if one is exhausted or the other wants to watch something late on TV. I have a friend whose husband insists they go to bed at the same time even if she is falling asleep in her chair and he wants to watch a late film. Eat when you are hungry , go to bed when you are tired .

Yep, agree with this. Why make life harder for yourself than you need to?

Honestly, I think some people just like to make their own crosses.

MaskingForIt · 24/12/2020 09:58

@rookiemere

Why don't you eat when you're hungry and go to bed when you're tired ? That would solve all your issues quite quickly.

Far too simple. How would women prove to men how much they love them if women put their own needs first? Women would have very little to moan about their men if they looked after themselves and stopped being martyrs.

Whereisthechicken · 24/12/2020 10:00

It's bizarre that you can't seem to do anything independently. You were hungry, he wanted to tidy but you insisted you both eat dinner together. You were tired, he was watching tv but you insisted he had to go to bed with you. You sound very unreasonable. And controlling. Sounds like your DH has no freedom to do as he pleases at home - he can't just tidy a few bits before he eats, he can't sit and watch tv as late as he wants. Must feel like a prison to him and you're the warden.

Whammyyammy · 24/12/2020 10:00

@TonMoulin

Why *@Whammyyammy*, all key workers are angels and we should all bow their every desire?

Very true, you also forgot their status should entitle them to go to the front of any queue, be eligible for upto 50% discount in every shop, have first dibs and reduction in price on fb market place...... the expectations and requests I've seen are quite simply embarrassing

BlackCatShadow · 24/12/2020 10:04

Well, I agree that it's a different situation if the OP is creeping around him because she's scared of his reaction. If that's the case, then he's at fault.

To me, it sounded like the OP was sitting on the sofa waiting for him to go to bed. He didn't want to go to bed, so he was deliberately putting off doing the chores.

Communication is the key. The OP should be able to say I'm tired. I'm heading up, are you coming? and he says no, I'm going to chill for a bit, so go ahead.

Dotdotlineline · 24/12/2020 10:13

I just read this as 'Just had a Petit filous- AIBU?

I was thinking what's wrong with kids yoghurts

In my defence I'm very sleep deprived

coldwaterfeed · 24/12/2020 10:29

@Dotdotlineline

slashlover · 24/12/2020 10:30

@coldwaterfeed

Did you miss the part where the OP said

With regards to eating late- it's become routine, unless one of us is finishing at midnight/later we often wait for the other person to come home to have dinner together. Not always, and neither would be remotely offended if hadn't. I just filled my time up with other tasks till he got back.

RedHelenB · 24/12/2020 10:32

He was going to do the chore . You stopped him tTgrn he had to est when you wanted and go to bed when you wanted. Yabtotallyu. Plenty of downtime for you if you needed/ wanted it before he came home.

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