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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just had a petty fallout - AIBU

166 replies

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:11

I have no idea why I reacted in this way and maybe iabu.

DP came home from work late tonight (key worker), I was starving and had dinner ready. He insisted on showering (which is fine, has become routine to reduce covid risk) and then wanted to clear a few bits up, I suggested/insisted we had dinner first (it was probably about 9/9.30pm at this point). We both finished our meals, I plated up dessert as a prechristmas treat while we watched a bit of tv. We always go to bed together and I kept prompting as I start work early tomorrow (he does not) at this point I'm nackered and my eyes are closing.

He asked me to clear away the bits he was going to earlier, I said I'm too tired asked if he can. Nothing was getting done... Still sat on the couch, I'm getting more and more tired just wanted us to go to bed.

Out of nowhere I had an outburst. Told him he's upsetting me and to just do it himself .. nothing happens, so I get up and do the (minor) chore myself while whinging and whining telling him I never get a choice, he can sleep in a different room etc. A bit of shouting involved and storm off to bed have moved his stuff to the spare room.
He reciprocated, I feel like shit and now we're in separate rooms.

Typing this out feels so stupid and I realise this is so petty. I was probably just hangry/tired and wanted to for once be allowed to not do anything (he has the morning off when he can do said chores). Instead have argued over nothing and fallen out so close to Christmas.

On the one hand just want to make things right but on the other I think I'm feeling unjustifiably pissed off and don't feel like apologising. I do feel bad though, he's probably equally nackered after work all day and hardly asked too much of me. I think it was just the expectation that pissed me off.

WWYD?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 23/12/2020 23:49

Reminds me why I've stayed single all this time lol

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:51

She wasn’t looking for help. She was hoping for absolution for throwing a shouty strop. Now we know he may even be gaming that may come... The projection on here is mind boggling. She’s admitted she was being daft.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2020 23:52

@vodkaredbullgirl

Reminds me why I've stayed single all this time lol
Lol? Loads of people have nice normal relationships where no one starts shouting because they’re tired and should have gone to bed at a decent time like the adult they presumably are.
Smallgoon · 23/12/2020 23:52

@audweb

I would have just gone to bed by myself? Why do you have to go together especially if he works shifts and you have to get up early?!
Exactly this, Christ.
GrettaGreen · 23/12/2020 23:52

Look, it's running close to the most miserable Christmas ever. People are stressed and silly rows happen. It happens. Just go give him a cuddle or text him ask him for one. Flowers

Ellie56 · 23/12/2020 23:53

Hmm You sound like hard work. Why do you need to go to bed together? Just go to bed and leave him to do his own thing if you're tired.

Zoinksalot · 23/12/2020 23:53

Go to bed and just apologise in the morning before you leave.

Your response was unwarranted , having a long day doesn't mean you should be allowed to just snap at people

Sally872 · 23/12/2020 23:53

Making an effort to go to bed together as it doesn't happen often isn't really worth the effort if one person is tired and the other is not.

Appreciate the times this happens naturally rather than forcing yourself to stay awake or him to go to bed.

If the chores had waited or he had done them you wouldn't have ruined the night either, try to think about your reactions.

jessstan1 · 23/12/2020 23:55

@audweb

I would have just gone to bed by myself? Why do you have to go together especially if he works shifts and you have to get up early?!
Me too as long as I was sure he wouldn't wake me when he came up. I'd have also been happy to leave the 'clearing away', such things have never bothered me.
bakereld · 23/12/2020 23:56

Is this a wind up? You can't be serious?

Just eat dinner, and go to bed by yourself if you're that tired and hungry. Jesus...

Carolofthebellies · 23/12/2020 23:57

Eat early if you're very tired and hungry, tidy up after yourself and then off to bed.

Lindy2 · 23/12/2020 23:58

You need to change your routine.

Going to bed at the same time and eating at the same time doesn't make you a better or closer couple. It just means one of you might be hungry when the other isn't and one might be knackered and needing sleep when the other isn't. That's not how you have a happy relationship.

If one of you is working late it's perfectly ok to eat at different times. It's also perfectly ok to go to bed when you are tired. You need more flexibility in your routine and I think you'd both feel better for it

ThatsMySantaHisBeardIsSoFluffy · 23/12/2020 23:58

@OppsUpsSide

You sound a bit pathetic and needy.

You don’t. Please don’t listen to this, we don’t know why that poster needs to say it but it really does say more about them than it does about you.

Get a grip, @OppsUpsSide. She does sound pathetic and needy to me. I don't care that you don't agree.

If you're tired, go to bed and don't start a fight. Easy.

Siw2020 · 23/12/2020 23:59

Update

For what it's worth - I've apologised, he's accepted. Probably makes him feel like it was obvious that I am definitely in the wrong which I'm not sure is really the case. Something doesn't feel quite right. He's back in our room though, asleep. Yet I'm still up and feeling a bit shit.
He probably feels like he has the moral high ground because I apologised. We don't argue often and I don't find it difficult to apologise but I think it can skew perception of who's in the right/wrong.

OP posts:
DreamingInColours · 23/12/2020 23:59

It is beyond bizarre to me that you make a conscious effort to go to bed at the same time. You are two independent people with your own lives and schedules. The fact you were falling asleep and getting mad at him for not going to bed proves how strange this really is! He can go to bed when he likes and shouldn't have external pressure from you to go up earlier.
I can't remember the last time my DH and I went to bed at the same time as I'm more of a night owl and he often works the early shift. Suits us fine.

Mwnci123 · 24/12/2020 00:00

Eat when you're hungry, go to bed when you're tired. Doing things together is only nice of it's actually nice and not an unhappy compromise all round.

HangOnToYourself · 24/12/2020 00:01

@Siw2020

Update

For what it's worth - I've apologised, he's accepted. Probably makes him feel like it was obvious that I am definitely in the wrong which I'm not sure is really the case. Something doesn't feel quite right. He's back in our room though, asleep. Yet I'm still up and feeling a bit shit.
He probably feels like he has the moral high ground because I apologised. We don't argue often and I don't find it difficult to apologise but I think it can skew perception of who's in the right/wrong.

But why do you really think he is in the wrong? None of the behaviour you described sounded unreasonable to me
VetiverAndLavender · 24/12/2020 00:01

Yes, if you're hungry and tired at different times, not everything has to be done together, even if that's your preference, when it's possible. However, I don't think it's right that there were chores that he expected you to do when you were already tired and needed sleep for work in the morning. That you felt it had to be done or there would be some sort of unpleasantness speaks volumes. What would have happened?

Next time, I'd tell him the chore could wait until morning (assuming it could), and go to bed without him. Sometimes we're just out of sync with our spouse/partner.

Nottherealslimshady · 24/12/2020 00:01

We go to bed together almost every night. Except when I'm exhausted and he's dilly dallying. You should have just gone to bed. It would have prevented the whole argument. If he wanted something doing he could have done it before coming up or in the morning while you're at work

FightingFiles · 24/12/2020 00:03

You've been a bit dramatic. Give yourself a break though, life is exhausting, everything is awful, you're tired.

Next time eat when you're hungry, and go to bed when you're done. He'll probably survive.

If you feel like it, you can say sorry and stast fresh tomorrow.

letsdolunch321 · 24/12/2020 00:03

You did over react, apologise to him
In the morning when you are both rested

MistletoeandGin · 24/12/2020 00:03

OP can you articulate what it is you think he did wrong? Not because I’m doubting he did anything wrong, it’s just that from your account it’s difficult to see where the fault lies.
You said you’re not sure it’s obvious you’re definitely in the wrong, so what is it you think he has done?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 24/12/2020 00:03

The apology was probably worth it because of the time of year

katy1213 · 24/12/2020 00:04

Give him a break - if you're tired, go to bed. Why should he go to bed as soon as he's finished his dinner? And leave the tidying up until tomorrow.
You started this - and you've blown it up. Don't drag it out by sulking tomorrow.

letsdolunch321 · 24/12/2020 00:05

Oops read your update ..... life is too short for minor disagreements and drama. Have a good day today - 24/12/20 💐