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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think males should be taught not to approach random women in the street?

128 replies

Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 15:51

Or do you think it's a harmless annoyance?

I've just been walking back from my local shops, wearing headphones, and became a were of a random bloke walking next to me talking to me. I pointed to the headphones and kept walking as if to say "can't hear you, sorry"

He continues walking next to me and gives me the "one minute" gesture so I took off my headphones and asked what the matter was.

He asked where a certain station is and I said I didn't know, sorry.

He then says "ah that's cool, I live there anyway I just wanted an excuse to talk to you"

I'm a nervous person by nature when dealing with unfamiliar men as I've had a handful of bad experiences so I felt really uncomfortable by this point. I told him I'm not going to stop and talk because I have a partner at home and I'm busy.

He then gives me a bit of attitude and says "so what you saying, you can't even talk to somebody"

I walked on but spent the next 5 minutes looking over my shoulder just incase he decided to follow me.

Shouldn't men (when boys) be taught not to do this shit?

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 15:56

Aware* not a were, typo.

OP posts:
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 23/12/2020 15:57

I would have hated this too, OP. Predicting you'll have the odd poster telling you you could have just 'been nice' etc etc but it can be really intimidating to have some random man get arsey because you don't want to chat with him. They never fucking try it when you're walking with a man do they? 😡

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/12/2020 15:57

I think they should be taught not to talk to someone unless the person is clearly ok being approached (smiling, eye contact etc, though to be fair if you are rubbish at picking up social cues then that's quite a hard thing to teach) but more importantly if they have approached someone and they are not responding positively that they should apologise and leave them the fuck alone. Getting you to take your earphones off was intrusive and a bit weird but then trying to justify it and getting aggro when you've made it clear you don't want to talk is completely unacceptable. You don't owe him anything

MistyGreenAndBlue · 23/12/2020 15:59

Ah but boys will be boys yanno? 🙄

FTMF30 · 23/12/2020 16:01

I think there's nothing wrong with an initial approach. But you seem to have made it clear you didn't want to speak yet, he pretry much pestered you anyway. I think that's the problem.

JazzyGeoff · 23/12/2020 16:03

YANBU but we don't teach boys and men to do, or not do, anything.

Instead, we teach our girls that they shouldn't walk alone, they shouldn't be out at night, to not get too drunk, to not to piss anyone off, to carry keys in their hands, and rape alarms in case of emergency etc etc

fandigo · 23/12/2020 16:03

That guy really crossed a line and you are totally within your rights to be annoyed. What exactly did he think was going to happen!

Missgemini · 23/12/2020 16:04

Yanbu. I absolutely hate being hit on in the street! I've never been interested! I would've acknowledged you if I was interested! Going out of your way to harass me does not make me suddenly interested.

Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 16:04

Had he backed off after my first brush off I wouldn't have thought as much of it, but the persistence really unnerved me.

He wasn't to know this but I have traumatic experiences in my past and this kind of thing sets off my fight or flight response.

That's just one of many reasons men shouldn't do it, not that they care mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 16:06

I suspect he was hoping I'd be flattered by the attention and want to exchange numbers or whatever else Envy

OP posts:
nosswith · 23/12/2020 16:07

Not the only thing they should be taught. Use of condoms is an issue with some young men refusing to consider them.

yellowhighheels · 23/12/2020 16:08

Yes I absolutely agree. Was just thinking it today in fact after a similar such annoyance. I think it would be good for boys to be taught this in PHSE (or whatever it's called nowadays) and to hear girls' views.

I think they need to learn this from an empathetic point of view and from the angle that it is extremely off-putting. I would never go out (or sleep) with a man that had followed me down the road or shouted from his car.

I think young lasses are at least getting more confident in handling this so I don't know if that's getting taught somewhere. I noticed this before lockdown, when I was going out one night. I saw one man trying to get the attention of a teenager. She calmly and firmly said 'please don't catcall me' and carried on. He looked pretty taken aback and left her alone. I then saw another group of young students outside a bar being approached by a man on a bike. They very politely and firmly made clear they did not want to speak to him.

I think it would be doing both boys and girls a service to make the lads aware that this behaviour is not welcome and keep teaching girls that it's OK not to be 'nice'.

TheMandalorian · 23/12/2020 16:08

I don't think any parental teaching would have stopped this guy. It sounds like he was deliberately trying to intimidate your just pester you for his own jollies.

Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 16:10

@nosswith

Not the only thing they should be taught. Use of condoms is an issue with some young men refusing to consider them.
Absolutely, and that is a disgrace in itself.

I used to enjoy doing my make-up and making an effort but I rarely bother anymore. I'm only average looking at best but I've found that if I make an effort with my appearance I get it even more.

I have hormonal acne flaring up, my hair scraped back and I'm wearing a pair of old leggings and a long coat and still get harassed Sad

OP posts:
yvanka · 23/12/2020 16:13

I once had a man tug my earphone out by the chord to chat me up whilst waiting for the train! I was only young so just stood there in shock being polite before boarding the train, still wish I'd given him an earful.

yvanka · 23/12/2020 16:16

Cord? Chord? Whatever, it was weird.

RandomUsernameHere · 23/12/2020 16:19

YANBU in this example the man was inappropriate. If a man genuinely needed directions though I wouldn't mind being asked.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 23/12/2020 16:20

Isn’t this a classic PUA (pick up artist) technique? They’re actively told to approach girls/women wearing headphones because we wear them to stop men talking to us (I know! What are we like eh with our wanting not to be bothered by randoms?)

puadaygame.wordpress.com/2015/06/01/how-to-approach-girls-listening-to-headphones/

IMNOTSHOUTING · 23/12/2020 16:21

I don't always object to people chatting to me but they should certainly be taught to read social queues and know that they aren't entitled to anyone attention.

2bazookas · 23/12/2020 16:21

Nervous women should teach themselves not to wear headphones in the street. Stay fully alert to everything around you.

tttigress · 23/12/2020 16:24

Don't most people use headphones to listen to music/podcasts, not to block out men?

Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 16:25

@2bazookas

Nervous women should teach themselves not to wear headphones in the street. Stay fully alert to everything around you.
I wear them because I'm nervous.

What is a simple trip to the shop for many people is anxiety inducing for me.

However I can appreciate where you are coming from in terms of safety.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merrybloodychristmas · 23/12/2020 16:26

I always have a podcast on when I do my shopping, it's easy listening and helps with my anxiety.

I don't do the same when I have my children for obvious reasons but if I'm popping out alone then that's what I always do.

OP posts:
Cheeseandwin5 · 23/12/2020 16:28

I don't know it is a difficult one.
I remember at College it wasnt the shy nice guys who were getting the girls but the loud brash types.
I think trying to chat you up, can be as welcome for some as it was unwelcome for you.
What we need to do is to teach boys (and girls) to treat ppl with respect.
Once you had shut him down he should have apologised and walked away.

Cchick · 23/12/2020 16:29

I don't see the problem with being approached (if not at night alone) but he was wrong to then give attitude when it was clear you're not interested.

How else would people meet/date if men are not allowed to approach someone they like the look of? It would be solely online dating then!