Just found out DP has secret savings

[Whatisthis543]

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

I would be very surprised that he didn’t mention it as you are living together that’s quite a big secret! As we had lived together for years before we married my partner at time would have told me, I wouldn’t take photographs of it though why would someone do that, lots of people I think these days have a stash I don’t know about that much though, 😂, just ask him, maybe he’s planning on saving for deposit on a property or something,

I need to get my savings in order!

I lived with my partner for 5 years (together for 7) before I had any idea what savings he had. It only came up when buying a house together. I don’t think that it’s a big deal provided he hasn’t been claiming poverty or sponging off you whilst sitting on the savings.

You've only been together 3 years and aren't married. They're not secret they're just not your business. He's paying his share so what happens with the rest is his, not "household money".

But going into marriage with financial secrets is a pretty bad basis for an open and honest relationship and possibly decades of taking joint financial decisions with one party only knowing half the picture

Exactly!

@Littlebean0506

Came one here the other day and read about how a female poster was asking whether to disclose her secret savings to her partner. Answer was no, keep it secret incase you need it. Op is asking whether she should tell her partner she knows about this secret saving and the majority (of the posts I read) said yes tell him. Why is it okay for a women to keep her savings a secret but not a man? I wouldn't tell him anything, he pays the bills and mortgage on time. What he chooses to do with the rest of his money is up to him.

This.

If he was financially abusive or controlling it would be very different, but it just looks like he’s sensible enough to put some savings away which is his business.

I lived with my partner for 5 years (together for 7) before I had any idea what savings he had. It only came up when buying a house together.

Sounds annoying though? You spend years thinking we can maybe afford X in Y years, and then one day five years later he pops up and said “oh BTW we can buy this one”.

@TomasinaTiers

Common as in “I’ve heard this story too many times“

But I guess I am wrong, so that is good

I can well believe it of couples that aren't married, but marriage gives many protections to women that they don't get by living together. It's why marriage isn't just a "piece of paper".

My daughter could register her home rights to the property with the land registry as they were married. You can't do that if you are just living together.

Sounds like you both need to communicate more. If you think he didn't know how worried you were during furlough then it suggests you're not sharing enough. Why is this?

It's his money. Maybe he didn't tell you because he was worried it would change things. My DP has a little less in savings at the same age. Every so often he will say I've got x amount now. The first 20k was a surprise as it felt quite quick. He is very careful with money. Assume your DP is too.

Do you own your house together?

So if, as you say, you both have your own money and some savings then I'm not sure what the issue is. My partner saves and does some investing, I have no idea of the sums involved. Similarly, I have some savings and he doesn't know about them, simply because they don't really figure in my day to day life, I don't think about them - it's just X amount that comes off my salary by DD every month and goes into a savings account.

No big deal.

I would hate this and despite it sounding dramatic I would be considering ending the relationship. It's secretive and unfair - its my view finances in a relationship should normally always be shared - I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

Or I would close the joint account and keep savings totally hidden from him and have completely separate finances. But sounds like a miserable way to live.

Just be aware that if you start talking finances and somehow try to steer the conversation towards any “hidden savings” your DP might get the impression you’ve been snooping.

It was only when DH and I actually went to book the wedding, and seriously started the wheels of motion of marriage did we talk money.

I’ve been engaged 3 times and the first 2 times it was never seriously going to turn into a marriage. They were more like trial runs, and my blood would’ve turned cold if any of them started asking about my savings.

Be very careful you don’t come across as a bit money-grabby. Also respect whatever plans he has for that money, it’s not yours to spend.

I think you should make it clear that you saw the statement otherwise when it comes out it will look like your questions about finances after marriage relate to this.

Unless at any point you have had to pay more for your joint expenses, pay off a bill, debt etc, had any additional costs to keep things going then I suppose it's not a problem. But you mentioned issues around his being furloughed, so I am guessing you did pick up an additional financial burden!

But it does show a lack of care, courtesy, transparency between you. Unless he plans to use it all for the wedding, new house deposit or something. It's a lot of money to have saved in 3 years... also suggests he hasn't been honest about his earnings - which may have changed the relative amounts you paid for mortgage bills etc. Ir would cetainly have saved you anxiety this year. He's been relaxed knowing he has savings; you have worried about bills etc, maybe even about his mental health. He hasn't alleviated your anxieties...

If, when asked, he says it's his, for himself etc, then no matter how much he earns, how much you earn, he is using your earnings to bolster his savings. That isn't how it's supposed to work!

On one hand, yes it is his money and his business and he might have received an inheritance before you both got together but for me, I think it would be the lack of 'honesty' or transparency. If he'd have said he's got savings but he wants to keep them separate then fine, that's up to him but to not even mention it at all would make me question him.

It’s his money and unless he has lied to you when discussing money it is none of your business.

@InFiveMins

I would hate this and despite it sounding dramatic I would be considering ending the relationship. It's secretive and unfair - its my view finances in a relationship should normally always be shared - I'd be asking for it to be transferred into the joint savings account or for half to be transferred to your account.

As if anyone would hand over all or even half their savings to a GF

Household finances don't have to be completely shared but honesty is still important.

Well said. It's not healthy to commit to a long-term relationship without knowing about each other's financial position. That includes before you decide to marry, or to raise a child together, or to do anything where either one of you makes a serious financial decision for each other's sake or for the couple's sake. All of those are long-term commitments.

DH and I each have some separate savings which either of us we could have used as a "running away fund" if we'd needed to. We know roughly how much each other have and when there's a money problem then our separate savings can be part of the conversation. If either of us started keeping financial secrets, or if I started feeling the need to keep money secret from DH (which I could do if I had to), that would be both a protection and a sign of something going wrong.

It sounds as if you haven't had that converation about your financial positions yet and it's time to have it. You can judge how your relationship is going and how committed he really is by whether he decides to tell you or not and by what he says about it.

I've been with my husband 6 years married 3.5 and we still keep separate finances. He pays the mortgage, I pay the utilities and we then do as we please with what we have left of our salaries. I don't ask about his, he doesn't ask about mine, we are both comfortably off so why should it matter what the other has saved.

Because what if something changed and after a while you weren't both so comfortably off that it didn't matter? What you have is only fair-weather marriage.

Its his money, the only person he needs to declare his financial situation to is hmrc.

I have no idea how much my partner has in savings, he has no idea how much I have.

People in relationships should be financially independent, if he has decent savings then good on him for making sure he has stability in an emergency.

Well what a great range of views. My DH and I have fairly separate finances and I never really know what his savings consist of - I know he has ISAs but I don’t know the details. He’s a saver though so I don’t worry about that.I know if I asked him he’d tell me. I’m probably more of a spender so I dare say he should really be more worried about me. When we got together I had about £7k on a credit card. I don’t think I ever told him how much it was and I didn’t think he had an entitlement to know about it. Of course when we bought a house all our finances were disclosed at that point. So if you had that meeting with a mortgage advisor and no mention was made of that sum of money then I would find that upsetting. That’s not saying you feel entitled to it but it implies he doesn’t trust you.

Sorry - it's not really a fair-weather marriage; it's a fair-weather arrangement over money. If money became tight for either one of you - as it already has for the OP and her DP - then hopefully you would have those converations. But quite a few women find that they and their partners are not in the habit of having those conversations even after their incomes and prospects have dropped a long way behind their partners'. Especially after having children. And even that their husbands or partners don't actually want to share with them after all.

I guess it’s his money but just think it’s a bit of a secret stash that would have alleviated worries when he was furloughed earlier this year

You are not married, you didn't ask him and didn't share the worries. He might not even think of it overmuch if he has built up the savings in the background (the classic 10% a month of salary going to savings before it hits the pocket).

I mean who asks their DP if they have £££ saved away from the household finances

Anyone getting married needs to discuss finances and attitudes to finances.

I just feel like he knows about my finances in general and has just never mentioned it

Did he ask you or did you volunteer it? If planning to buy property together yes it seems odd not to mention it, if he wanted to know about your finances without sharing his it would be odd but from your posts would put it down more to different attitudes to money.

Not every woman marry for financial security. Many are independent and marry for love only

Marriage is a contract, anyone entering into a financial contract without understanding both the situation and their contract partner's attitudes to money is a fool. A fool in love maybe but still a fool.

@MrsKoala

If you divorce won’t you need to share that with him tho? I’m thinking of setting up my own isa. H refuses to save or pay into a pension so I will have to save from my portion of spends and I was wondering if I’d have to give him half - which means he gets to spend all his money and then take half mine.

I think so, but H is very passive. I will give savings to my mum to hold for me, he won’t dig deep. He has wasted thousands of pounds, it would make me very anxious to have joint finances with him. We go 50/50 on mortgage and bills even though he earns 20% more.

Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned

Ah the old false equivalence nonsense. When women in general are financially and physically equal to men you might eventually have a point but until then will have different needs.