Just found out DP has secret savings

[Whatisthis543]

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

I dont think your being unreasonable, your engaged to be married, live together, i dont think he should have hidden it, its a large amount of money, obviously you found paperwork so its not been hidden well but the fact hes never mentioned is odd. I'm married and my husband and I discussed money when we werent married, (lets face it money is a big thing, so you dont want any nasty surprises when you do get married). I dont understand other people saying you have no claim to it etc etc as thats not what you were asking in your post, but yes i think he should have mentioned it as why wouldn't he, whats he got to hide?

My OH has no idea how much I've got in savings and it's none of his business, we've only been together 3 years, why should he know? It's years of saving hard and living within my means. I'd be pissed off if he tried to stake a claim on it.

@whichminoguesister

People on MN normally suggest a 'running away fund' for women. Interesting to see differing opinions when the tables are turned.

Is the level of domestic violence the same for men? I wasn't aware, how interesting.

It is the op's business, he's her fiancé, planning a life together. Household finances don't have to be completely shared but honesty is still important.

Exactly this.

I've been with my husband 6 years married 3.5 and we still keep separate finances. He pays the mortgage, I pay the utilities and we then do as we please with what we have left of our salaries. I don't ask about his, he doesn't ask about mine, we are both comfortably off so why should it matter what the other has saved.
As you are not married his money is nothing to do with you and there is nothing to stop you being more careful with your money and paying into an ISA too

Say nothing op. The shit the fan with us financially a few years back, as soon as I discovered it DH instantly said 'we are covered'. He had a massive savings account I didnt know about. I was so relieved. It wasnt a secret it was just there for this exact reason. I now have my own going, neither of discuss the amount, we just both know we have money to fall back on. We often loosely say 'I'm putting that into my savings, it's for us. Its really very sensible

Nothing, it’s his money he’s obviously been saving for a while. Be responsible and start saving yourself.

My DH has an investment ISA instead of a pension. Perhaps to him it's part of his pension pot.

I don't blame him for making sure you are with him because of him, rather than his money. £60k represents a lot of security as in a big house deposit etc that some women could be swayed by.

Otoh I'd be concerned by the lack of transparency. What else does he think it's acceptable to hide?

I think you need to have a big chat about your attitudes to money/sharing and secrecy in general. Be honest about what you found and try to understand his motives. Don't be accusing. His response will be telling. If he gets angry or too defensive, then be concerned.

@2BDIs have you checked you own the house jointly?

It used to be quite common for men to pay mortgage, and women to pay bills.... and then when divorce hits, the man owns the house and the woman has a big pile of paid bills (worth nothing)

Can’t believe how many people would happily get married without wanting to know their spouse to be exact financial situation. I’d have thought that defeats much of the point of getting married.

Came one here the other day and read about how a female poster was asking whether to disclose her secret savings to her partner. Answer was no, keep it secret incase you need it. Op is asking whether she should tell her partner she knows about this secret saving and the majority (of the posts I read) said yes tell him. Why is it okay for a women to keep her savings a secret but not a man? I wouldn't tell him anything, he pays the bills and mortgage on time. What he chooses to do with the rest of his money is up to him.

*Can’t believe how many people would happily get married without wanting to know their spouse to be exact financial situation. I’d have thought that defeats much of the point of getting married"
Not every woman marry for financial security. Many are independent and marry for love only.

I always had a notion of marriage that it means sharing everything - including money as and when necessary, as you are going on a life journey together. I kind of get why you wouldn’t want to do that if you are X marriages down the line (IE, “this is the money I made in my “previous life” - we can share things going forward). But it’s weird to me why you wouldn’t do that for a first marriage. Seems I’m in the minority on that though nowadays, though research shows that marriages in with shared finances and accounts have higher rates of satisfaction and longetivity.

@dontdisturbmenow
I didn’t mention women. Only you did.

@Cam77 completely agree with you! I would not be happy if I found out DH had kept this from me, at all, not that he would as we share finances completely. I would question why he felt the need to do this in a secure and loving marriage.

[quote TomasinaTiers]@2BDIs have you checked you own the house jointly?

It used to be quite common for men to pay mortgage, and women to pay bills.... and then when divorce hits, the man owns the house and the woman has a big pile of paid bills (worth nothing)[/quote]
Common where and when?

The house and other assets would be joint in the case of a marriage, unless it's a very short marriage.

My daughter wasn't on the deeds or mortgage of the marital home. She's still getting 70% of it in the financial settlement and that was from an abusive marriage, so it wasn't him being nice.

Common as in “I’ve heard this story too many times“

But I guess I am wrong, so that is good

@userxx

My OH has no idea how much I've got in savings and it's none of his business, we've only been together 3 years, why should he know? It's years of saving hard and living within my means. I'd be pissed off if he tried to stake a claim on it.

Exactly.

His salary is his to do with as he pleases. As long as he pays his half of the bills the rest has nothing to do with you.

If this was one of my children and a BG/GF questioned it, I’d tell them to think carefully about continuing the relationship.

Thank you all, I’m just going to open a conversation about how we will do our finances and budgets when we are married/kids to get his thoughts. I suppose this has brought forward a few conversations a bit as to who would be off work and how long to look after any DCs.

When he was furloughed we weren’t particularly worried about money in general on a day to day basis as his commuting costs were saved and they are v high. I was a bit worried about longer term security but I don’t think I really shared that to be honest as thought it might stress him out and make him feel responsible if he lost his job!

Wow, that needed some commas!

Did you not declare your finances when you took out the mortgage on your house? We know about each others finances as we had to document all earnings, savings, debts etc when making the application. As you haven't been together that long (in the grand scheme of things) I would presume he had at least half of that when you took out the mortgage.

Really none of your business. You have been with him 3 years and expect to have a say in his savings. I’ve always had my own savings from before I married. It’s a good sign that he is a saver rather than a spender.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss
But a BF/GF is hardly comparable to spouse/future parent of your children?

By keeping your future spouse in the dark about significant savings (no matter whether you want to keep them “yours alone” or for future use etc etc ) you’re keeping them in the dark about something which “could” have a significant bearing on your future life together. EG, of one of you loses job, health emergency, sending kids to university etc.... weird to me but to each their own.

@LuckyAmy1986
Seems we’re in the minority! Seems some people equate sharing information with sharing the money - not necessarily! But going into marriage with financial secrets is a pretty bad basis for an open and honest relationship and possibly decades of taking joint financial decisions with one party only knowing half the picture!