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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just found out DP has secret savings

356 replies

Whatisthis543 · 22/12/2020 21:58

Just found out my DP has 60k hidden away in ISAs that I had no idea about. Only found out as I was looking for the Homeserve paperwork and went into his paperwork stash to find it. Found a letter from an ISS company with a balance of 63k!!!! What would you do now?

OP posts:
Mamanyt · 23/12/2020 03:52

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

Your last line says it all. If people would spend 1/10th of the time planning a marriage as they do planning a wedding, there would be far fewer divorces...and probably, fewer marriages, because they would know ahead of time that they disagree on the fundamentals.

Willfiasco · 23/12/2020 03:54

@fairynick

Why is everybody on mumsnet so obsessed with marriage being the only time a couple are able to share everything. It’s 2020, and relationships come in all kinds of packages. Whether you’re married or not is besides the point, DP and I have been together for 5 years and if he had a significant amount saved it’s not that I’d feel entitled to know, it’s more that I’d feel a bit weird if I’d found out and he hadn’t told me. We’ve always been open with finances from the start. It isn’t something you can pretend you haven’t seen OP, definitely have a chat with him.
Marriage makes all the difference legally to the OP’s entitlement to that money. If they’re not married, no children it’s as relevant as whether a housemate has savings.
Locc · 23/12/2020 03:55

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

I don't think anyone else can really say whether or not he's done anything wrong, because we aren't in your relationship. Each relationship has it's own set of rules regarding money.

Surely you two must have talked about finances at some point, if you're planning on getting married soon? If you haven't then you need to sit down and have that conversation as soon as possible. You need to decide how stuff like this is going to work in your marriage. Not talking about it is the worst thing you can do.

In my marriage this would be considered a huge betrayal. We are always totally transparent with money and we share everything. Some people think this is crazy, but it works for us. The key point is that we discussed it and decided between us that we wanted to share everything. So, if I found out my husband had 60k hidden away, that would be a huge betrayal of trust, because we've explicitly agreed not to do things like that.

In your case, if you haven't talked about money before, and you haven't agreed that you have to tell each other about these sorts of things, then I don't think you have a leg to stand on.

Bottom line here is that you need to sit down and talk about money before you get married. It's essential.

Why do so many people say you have to 'sit him down' or make sure he's/you're 'sat down'? It's as bad as 'whey, she turned raund'n'sed'... 'sit thee'sen dahn lad'

Ridiculous and unnecessary

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 23/12/2020 04:00

Why do so many people say you have to 'sit him down' or make sure he's/you're 'sat down'?

We were always sitting down when I had proper in depth discussions about finances before we got marries. It just means that you're focusing and taking it seriously.

You don't have to take it so literally. Feel free to have a very long and in depth conversation standing up if you would prefer.

It's as bad as 'whey, she turned raund'n'sed'... 'sit thee'sen dahn lad

I have never heard these particular phrases. I have no idea what you're talking about, sorry.

PerveenMistry · 23/12/2020 04:26

@Charlie63849

You have only been together 3 years. You are not married and he pays his fair share towards bills.

What he does with the rest of his money is non of your business.

And if I was with you and you took pictures of my savings account like someone’s suggested then I’d leave you straight away and I sure as hell wouldn’t marry you. I’d advise against that.

Absolutely this.

You're housemates. He owes you no details about his personal finances. I find it rather money-grubbing to be so snoopy about what another autonomous adult has in the bank, frankly.

Flavabobble · 23/12/2020 04:53

He's perfectly entitled to have his own savings, but I think it's odd it didn't come up when applying for a mortgage.

SD1978 · 23/12/2020 05:06

You have seperate finances, not married. You split bills and then your money is yours. If he's chosen to put his in ISA'a, I'm not sure how he's keeping anything from you- he's just saved his money? Do you have any savings? Is he aware of the exact amount in your accounts? He's hardly hidden the paperwork, I think you're overreacting.

1992serpent · 23/12/2020 05:11

Women are always advised to have secret savings yet when a man does he should hand it over immediately

Women usually end up being the primary care giver and men have better paid opportunities. So it would make perfect sense

Bluntness100 · 23/12/2020 05:22

God some of the grabby responses on here. It’s like some folks see pound signs and plot how they can get their hands on it. Take pics, say I didn’t know “we had” and a whole host of other cringe grabby comments,

The op clearly says it’s likely it didn’t come up, op just say I was looking for the home serve paper work, see you’ve got isas, you never mentioned that? However you don’t share finances, you’re unmarried, so it’s really no more than a point of interest for you.

wildraisins · 23/12/2020 05:23

I guess I would find it a bit strange if my partner had that much money and I didn't know about it, so I do see where you're coming from OP.

But I think the important question is whether you think he was deliberately deceiving you? You say you're engaged, so maybe he just wanted you to be married before fully disclosing all of these things.

People are all so different when it comes to money. Once you're married then (usually) everything is shared, but before that there is a grey area. Sometimes couples who are cohabiting/ engaged have joint accounts and sometimes they don't. You just have to try and not let it get muddled up with your relationship and feelings about your partner, as people can be very different when it comes to these things and it can be hard to relate if your partner has a different approach to you!

It's definitely worth having a conversation I think but don't be accusatory, just say you saw it and discuss it calmly.

BarbaraofSeville · 23/12/2020 05:45

The only reason that this would be an issue would be if he's saved it up while not paying his fair share of joint expenses or otherwise claiming to be skint, and expecting you to cover the gap.

Re: the furlough, you say it's an ISA, if it's a stocks and shares ISA, the value could have dropped this year, and unless you have no alternative, it's a bad idea to take the money out.

You say he earns well, this money could just be money that's built up naturally over time, because he's earned more than he needs or wants to spend, especially if his costs have gone down after he moved in with you due to sharing expenses etc. He might not be saving it for anything in particular, it's just spare money that's not been spent.

We're sort of in this position, but not quite as much. I have £30k in premium bonds that DP doesn't know about - I would tell him if he asked.

That money has just built up over a good few years because I'm a saver and he's a spender and I naturally spend less than he does, plus we have very low outgoings and have a fairly decent income.

We both get the same amount of personal spending money each month and he blows through it all on fuck knows what whereas I usually have over half of it left over so I just put it into premium bonds or otherwise save it. We're talking about the result of me naturally spending £50 a week less than him on personal stuff for 10 years. But that's OK, because I'm a woman Smile.

Scottishskifun · 23/12/2020 05:55

@Whatisthis543

I guess it’s his money but just think it’s a bit of a secret stash that would have alleviated worries when he was furloughed earlier this year
I think this is the crux of why it's not sitting well with you that he didn't mention it.

Not because he has it or that it's the amount that it is, but because you were clearly worried about future finances, how to cope, did you need to take over paying part of his share of joint finances etc etc all the while he knew he had a very good safety net.

Speak to him about it on the basis that you were worried about both your financial situation earlier in the year but it would have helped if he had been open and explained that actually he had a safety net. You know its his money to do with as he wishes but please be conscious of joint stresses that affect you in the future.

ApolloandDaphne · 23/12/2020 05:56

My DH uses ISAs as extra pension payments as he can only pay so much a year into his pension pot. I am not really certain how much he (we I guess as I have some too) have saved.

It's possible your DP just sees this as very long term savings and not really worthy of any discussion? I would think it very positive that he is a good saver.

ivfbeenbusy · 23/12/2020 06:11

You've been together 3 years not 30 it's none of your business - lots of women on MN are advised to have secret savings so I see no difference

Suzi888 · 23/12/2020 06:22

@ivfbeenbusy

You've been together 3 years not 30 it's none of your business - lots of women on MN are advised to have secret savings so I see no difference
This ^^ But you’ll get advised to take the ISA’s to a solicitor and LTB.
LadyWithLapdog · 23/12/2020 06:24

I’d find it a bit creepy TBH. Three years together is a long time and plenty of opportunities to talk about money. That’s a lot of money put away by the age of 34. Is he stingy? I don’t know how you’d save so much effortlessly.

sheldonsgreenwithenvy · 23/12/2020 06:26

@SundayGirl86

Honestly, I think it’s his business. You’re not married yet and he’s entitled to his savings. I wouldn’t be bothered. At least he’s not £63k in debt!
I agree with this.
sheldonsgreenwithenvy · 23/12/2020 06:31

@saraclara

He must be earning a walking salary if he can afford to squirrel so effectively.

Or he had an inheritance before he met the OP, @Locc

exactly.
Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 23/12/2020 06:35

I think it’s a bit underhand. When he was furloughed it was the perfect time to tell you he had savings, didn’t need to specify how much, and he didn’t.

Got to ask yourself why ?

RandomGirl · 23/12/2020 06:54

When he was furloughed, was he stressed or concerned about money? Do you have a mortgage together? Wondering if it would have had to be disclosed during application, if so?

lifestooshort123 · 23/12/2020 06:58

Your first post says that you both have individual savings so why is this different? Is it the amount or the secrecy that bothers you? My partner and I have been together 20 years and he's hopeless with money so he knows I inherited an amount 3 years ago (some of which was spent on our home and I gave him a 5-figure lump which I knew he'd fritter) but has no idea how much is left and securely invested. Who takes the lead in financial discussions or are you equals? Has he more of a saving side to him than you have which would justify keeping it a secret?

leafygarden42 · 23/12/2020 06:58

I tell you what OP - I'd be flaming delighted if I'd found out my other half had £63k.

With him - I usually find out the other way ie when we first met he was £5k in debt Sad Still married 20 years later...

leafygarden42 · 23/12/2020 07:00

@lifestooshort123 - precisely the sort of thing I do as well.

Fritter is the right word there...

isthismylifenow · 23/12/2020 07:02

Maybe it's for a pension?

I would not class this as a secret stash.

pilates · 23/12/2020 07:10

Perhaps he wants to surprise you with something nice? A house deposit? It’s really not a bad thing to have savings. More concerning to find out about outstanding debts.

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