OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

*Second option: OH and OP were having Christmas with her parents and her grandma at her parent's house. That should say.

Have you READ handmaids tale?

Have you? The women didn't become handmaids overnight, it was a gradual process of rolling back women's status and rights until the climate enabled wholesale removal of rights until they were purely commodities to serve men.

Women still bear the overwhelming majority of relationship management, household management, child rearing etc. Major holidays add a massive load on women, far less on men. Even where men sincerely believe they are doing their share, any observational study will show they massively overestimate their contribution. Women overestimate men's contributions as well, we are so conditioned to expect less.

Its not an accident that women centred forums will have many discussions like this whilst male dominated forums barely consider the issues.

Women can change that. I did. I divorced.

Me and my partner now are equal. He probably actually does more of the housework and mental load than I do because I have a stressful set of jobs (plural) going on and with disabilities my brain is dead and I am done by the end of the day.

The only people who can change this are women.

In the ops situation I’d either say I’m going to my mums (with or without toddler) you can stay here (and go, without resentment) or I’d make sure he pulled his weight with the hosting.

No need for any tantrums from anyone.

Since he isn't a bully or abusive (according to you) then part of the issue is you're presenting it as though your DH should acquiesce to your DM's invite because there are 3 of you who want Christmas at your parents' house (your parents and you) and only 1 of him who wants it at home. But, to be blunt, as a married adult, I don't expect to have to take into account my ILs' wishes against how I want to spend Christmas. Your numbers are flawed and give too much weight to your parents in your relationship.
It sounds as though your attitude towards the Christmas plans was different to your DH's. He thought the plan was to be at home. You weren't as wedded to that idea so thought it was changeable.
It also may not be a big deal to your DH if you go to Christmas at your parents hence why he suggested it - not to make it a difficult decision for you but because he'd genuinely rather be at home and you seem as though you'd prefer to be there.
You both need to work on your communication. You're being disingenuous by pretending you haven't expressed a preference when it's clear if you didn't want to go, you'd just have said 'no' to your DM. You have all helped to create this situation and you need to own how your communication has contributed and think about how you both work on your communication in the future.

@C8H10N4O2 - again, try looking at both parts of the story.
I don't think the OP should be pandering to her OH's ideas. She should feel comfortable leaving him to rest, take care of his own food and time and enjoy the time with her family if he doesn't want to.
But I also understand that someone, who's been working outside, had to probably mingle a lot with others as a key worker wants nothing but some peace and quiet, without a family outside his own.

But I also understand that someone, who's been working outside, had to probably mingle a lot with others as a key worker wants nothing but some peace and quiet, without a family outside his own

So do I. I don't automatically give them precedence and bluntly they lose any moral highground when they react like a five year old to a offer and have a history of wanting their own way when opinions differ.

I dont automatically assume key workers are at the coal face either. I'm classified as "key" legally by two of my clients, I don't step out of my front door to work for them although I'd be entitled to do so. Other key workers outside the home have very little human contact to do their jobs. Not every key worker is on covid ward or being spat at by customers.

I really can't even imagine being in a marriage where you can't even have a sensile discussion about a suggestion without your partner kicking off. How the hell are you meant to know what they'd prefer or not if you can't even ask them? I couldn't put up with that.

@EerieSilence Um, there is a pregnant wife, who is struggling.

Outside of that, there is no 'other side'. And you are unable to explain how anything the OH wants, in any way comes anywhere near the pregnant exhausted wife.

And again, you don't seem to understand. The plan was always that he would be with OP and her parents and her grandma. Read the first post. so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family.

I guess you missed that part. The plan was ALWAYS to have MANY FAMILIES together on the day. He never had any expectation of having 'peace and quiet with just his own family'. You clearly did not read the OP first post at all. Because the issue is venue, it has never been about numbers. You act like they were going to have a Christmas Day at home, just the OP and their 2 year old. They were always going to be with multiple families.

The only people who can change this are women

You have very low expectations of men. Men can change as well, the lack of expectation on them to so do is part of the problem.

OP's second paragraph -
"we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family."

Spending time alone as a family unit was NEVER part of the plan, so I don't know what this talk about "peace and quiet, without a family outside his own." is all about. As that was never on the agenda anyway. And he knew it.

Fair @C8H10N4O2 but I was meaning from the point of view of the op who is doing most of the cooking with her mum.

Stop. Just. Stop. Don’t let the expectation be that you do it. Just stop.

No one will die from having pizza or a jar pasta dinner on Christmas Day.

You have my sincere sympathy OP.

Pregnant with your second child, exhausted, and married to a bullying selfish pig.

Go on your own to your parents and don't give up your job whatever you do.

[quote Kalula]@NailsNeedDoing RTFT. OP is suffering a tough pregnancy, is exhausted, and doesn't want to cook. The mother of his unborn child should come first to any caring, chivalrous partner.

As OP said, he didn't care either way, and couldn't be bothered with plans. Nothing was arranged or set in stone, and the OH wasn't bothered. He only kicked up a stink, because for the first time, the OP stood up to him after him getting his way for years.

The OP is sick, pregnant and exhausted. Her needs come first! He is a pig who is selfish and controls her.[/quote]
She doesn’t have a need, she has a want.

If she doesn’t want to cook, she doesn’t have to cook, there’s no law stating that turkey dinner must be had on Christmas Day. There are plenty of options for her if she doesn’t want to do lots of cooking that day, they don’t all involve going to her mothers. Maybe she should have tried to discuss that instead of changing the whole look of the day.

It’s complete hypocrisy for the OP to see her husband as selfish when this all started with her trying to change what she agreed so that she could have her own way.

Not sure what has changed this year! AIBU has gotten more odd. Never thought I'd see a thread where people were contortionists twisting themselves to justify the poor man who always gets his way

Hasn't it just?

It's particularly noticeable on threads where women are openly stating they have been victims of domestic and even sexual violence at the hands of men, and certain people are coming out of the woodwork to ask 'what about the feelings of men?'

OP is being very unfairly treated here. FWIW I'm not one of those coming down firmly on the other side and claiming the husband is an 'abuser'.

If DH wants to stay at home and there's a family expectation that the host is the one who cooks, then he has a perfectly simple solution within his grasp. He cooks. It's surprising how this option is the one so-little considered, and does kind of suggest that the misogynistic assumption of women carrying the whole of the burden of wife work has been well and truly internalised.

My father was exactly like this, so I speak from experience. Christmas was a royal pain in the arse for my poor old Mum, who always preferred Easter. So do I!

I didn't realise having a cock and bollocks rendered you unable to put a turkey in the oven.

@NailsNeedDoing No, she has a need. Her health can be at risk! It is no longer just a 'want'.

She didn't 'try to change' anything because nothing was agreed to, in the first place! So there was nothing to change!

She TRIED discussing it, he abused her and shouted her down. His selfishness. What is it about this, you cannot understand? RTFT before commenting.

@Kalula you seriously need to step away from this thread.

Your berating of other posters is coming across as aggressive and hectoring and it’s borderline bullying.

Something was agreed "we were always going to have Christmas at our house". I think given the OP being pregnant and having a toddler and being expected to do the work going elsewhere seems sensible. Covid isn't a reason as the social distancing rules haven't changed in the past week just how many can meet and how far people can travel.
If the man had changed his mind and suddenly decided they should all go to his parents rather than stay at home people would think it unreasonable.

[quote Fbtw]@Kalula you seriously need to step away from this thread.

Your berating of other posters is coming across as aggressive and hectoring and it’s borderline bullying.[/quote]
Er, no she’s not, she defending the OP very well. You are posting just as much as Kalula.

I haven’t posted nearly as much as Kalula. And I haven’t been shouting and getting irate.

Kalula hasn’t been shouting and getting irate and should be commended for challenging all the people feeling sorry for the butt hurt husband.

@tootesuite

Kalula hasn’t been shouting and getting irate and should be commended for challenging all the people feeling sorry for the butt hurt husband.

Absolutely agree.

The husband sounds like a petulant brat.

I really hope the OP goes to her family for Christmas and leave that nasty man to his own devices.

Hopefully she'll realise just what a PITA she is living with.

He's a bully.

If I started a thread saying my partner came home today and said we should go to his mums for Christmas it’s a great idea coz he’s got a sore back and gallstones and he will be able to relax with his feet up.

I wanted to spend Christmas here on our own it’s our last Christmas with our wee one before we have a new baby and we have never had Christmas on our own.

His mum and dad are nice and they have a bigger house, and I know his mum has said that’s better for social distancing with his nan, and his mum says she will cook, but I just wanted Christmas in my own house.

How’s you think that would go?

He’s entitled to have the plans that were put in place months ago, and only changed at the last gasp. He’s entitled to be annoyed at a fait accompli.

He’s not entitled to be shouting his mouth but I don’t think the op has been fair either so I’d say they both need to communicate better.

The op knows there was a plan for them to have Christmas at home, and her view is that was a loose plan that could be changed. Maybe he thought it was pretty set. I would.

I would not be going to my MIL if I had a Christmas at home planned. The op could go if she wanted (without any rancour on my part) but I would be at home. Presents in the morning, and then I’d suit myself.

I wouldn’t be driving her there either. If she wanted to go she could go under her own steam or some of the in laws could come and get her, or she could get a taxi.

This is a couple that are crap at communicating and I think they need outside help to learn ways to talk to each other.

Guess I’m a petulant brat and a bully too🙄

@Fbtw Your flipped version isn’t fair.

Being pregnant, working part time, doing all the housework, looking after a toddler, doing bath and bed on her own every night AND having to cook the Christmas meal is very different to a man having a ‘sore back and gallstones’ and wanting to put his feet up.