OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

@C8H10N4O2 yes totally. My parents frequently help us out with money as we've been in some tricky places financially over the last few years. Not proud of that but OH has always been happy to receive aid from them! So there isn't any richer/bigger house braggery. They really were just trying to help us out.

And if anyone read my earlier post as soon as my mums got the whif that her suggestion has rocked the boat (because I'm dilly dallying in coming back to her) she's mortified and says she'll do whatever. And bring whatever. And cook whatever. She is just keen for us all to get together in a safest most happy way all round.

Whatever we do I need him to see that by not being willing to listen to my parents preference and mine, and my threatening Xmas without us, he's been very childish indeed.

It sounds like you'd prefer to X and he'd prefer to do Y and that there isn't a workable compromise between the two options. So at the end of the day getting him to "listen" is pointless. You'll either do what you want to do and he'll be unhappy, or you do what he wants to do and you'll be unhappy.

It's too late to avoid this now unfortunately but going forward you either need to work on how you two communicate or, if he really is incredibly selfish, decide if you want to continue in a relationship like that.

so he wouldnt be cooking or prepping anything for you he just wanted to drink is that about right

No ANBU, he sounds like a selfish arse. Is he prepared to pick up the reins and cook for you etc Christmas Day so you can rest?

@akittencalledjesus yes she is. And she's also super laid back and easy going and would wing Christmas even if she was hosting. The opposite of neurotic. So wouldn't ever get into a conspiracy around last minute hosting that would be far too complex for her to organise!!!

[quote lamby12]@C8H10N4O2 yes totally. My parents frequently help us out with money as we've been in some tricky places financially over the last few years. Not proud of that but OH has always been happy to receive aid from them! So there isn't any richer/bigger house braggery. They really were just trying to help us out.

And if anyone read my earlier post as soon as my mums got the whif that her suggestion has rocked the boat (because I'm dilly dallying in coming back to her) she's mortified and says she'll do whatever. And bring whatever. And cook whatever. She is just keen for us all to get together in a safest most happy way all round. [/quote]
But your mum wants you all together.

All your side.

Can’t you see he might be upset by that?

He’s not seeing his family. Maybe the tactful compromise would be granny goes to your parents and you and him have Christmas at home just you and the toddler.

@akittencalledjesus

I really think these comments would be different if it was opposite genders. I wouldn’t want my decisions to go or not go go in-laws painted as “I would love to but wife says she doesn’t want to”. That isn’t the same as not having an opinion it’s presenting as a united front on decisions that might stir up emotions with inlaws !

@Fbtw it was originally his parents and mine. My mums was well up for that. But his parents are choosing not to come re Covid (they decided before number of households or Xmas rules were given)! Grandma has entered the equation because she can't go abroad.

@Fbtw You're missing the point. If it's at her house, OP will have to cook. Why can't the OP have Christmas with her parents for a change? Why does he always have to have his own way? How is that fair? Especially when his OH is pregnant and exhausted?

Ok people aren't getting this now. The group of people hasn't changed in a while. His parents bowed out almost 2 months ago now when Xmas plans were all theoretical anyway. There is no stirring up of angst with the in laws. My mums trying to help and doesn't care where we are, just made an alternative suggestion she thought was helpful. OHs reaction to not even consider and go full blown 'you go I'm not' without even discussing it is the issue here. I'm actually not against staying here, I had mentally prepared for that anyway so it's not a biggie. I just think it's rude he won't discuss the suggestion.

Anyway this is getting long now and some people are getting carried away and not reading the detail so I'll probably stop reading the replies now! Argue amongst yourselves mad they say....!

Ops mum is bringing the stuff so she’s not cooking. @Kalula

@Fbtw Not true. OP's mum is bringing treats, presents and stockings. No where has OP said her mum will be doing the actual cooking!

@Fbtw my mum isn't bringing the stuff. She's just done some bloody baking for him which she's bringing. I'm still cooking the sodding dinner. I'm sure my mum will help plate up or stir the gravy or whatever but if it's your house your the cook.

Op my suggested compromise would be to let your mum help with buying food/prep but keep it at yours. Let granny decide her own risk.

The argument like you say is the bigger issue. And from what you’ve said he needs to improve on communication and his temper. So I would focus discussion on how he plans to fix that so you don’t end up with these nasty blow-ups. It sounds like he doesn’t feel heard. Maybe he is just a nasty bastard though which it seems like is what you wanted us all to say!

I'd love to know his version of the exchange of views! Do women really never shout and say nasty things?

@Fbtw And, if OP's mum were doing the cooking, why did OP talk about being exhausted and having to cook, in her first post? You are inventing a narrative that doesn't exist, just to justify your view. If OP's mum were doing the cooking, then why would the OP have posted, in the first place?

Sorry that you are having to point out basic points already written in clear English in your first post, OP.

He's not being particularly nice but if I'd been looking forward to my first Christmas at home and then got told I was going to MILs I'd be GUTTED. Just saying.

[quote lamby12]@Fbtw my mum isn't bringing the stuff. She's just done some bloody baking for him which she's bringing. I'm still cooking the sodding dinner. I'm sure my mum will help plate up or stir the gravy or whatever but if it's your house your the cook. [/quote]
Wow.

Ok well I’ll take a guess given this that both of you are frazzled and neither of you are communicating well.

I’d suggest the compromise again of you lot staying at home and granny going to your mum and dad, with a zoom call and everyone try to relax.

I’d also suggest some kind of outside help so that the two of you can learn to communicate better.

@Kalula thanks! It's getting too long for any posters to catch it all now anyway so I think we should leave it there, I'm just repeating myself and getting a headache (not helped by pregnancy sickness!) x

Let granny decide her own risk? Anything so the man gets his way. On the contrary, it seems he is always heard, and as the OP has said, repeatedly, it is always his way, or the highway. I am getting the impression this is the first time the OP has actually stood up to him. Her posts suggest she is the one who never feels heard. She doesn't get the chance to be heard, it's his way or the highway.

There's an easy solution here.

He cooks.

@Fbtw How is that a 'compromise'? That is once again, giving in to him! And yet again, your 'compromise' forgets that she is the one who will have to cook! The only compromise I can see is they all go to her mothers, she, as a pregnant woman, gets a rest from cooking, they have their mini thing at home on Boxing Day, as she said, and they put a plan in to discuss for 2021 ahead of time.

Can’t you see he might be upset by that?

I think you seriously need to stop projecting your own experiences onto another family.

He’s not seeing his family. Maybe the tactful compromise would be granny goes to your parents and you and him have Christmas at home just you and the toddler.

Right. So because his parents have refused the invitation the OP's parents can't go or proivde her with help because "its not fair"? Her DH isn't five.

@lamby12 Rest up, and don't give in. Not this time. Being exhausted physically and emotionally can harm yourself and the baby, perhaps even lowering your immune system and making you susceptible to catching viruses. Go to your mother's with yourself and DC. Let him decide if he will accompany you or stay home with sandwich. Put yourself, your health and the health of your unborn baby first. If you don't take a stand for yourself now, it will get harder and harder to later.