OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

he wouldn't engage in adult conversation about the space thing and went straight to 'you go I'm not coming'.

OP, the only way to deal with this is his call his bluff and go without him. Could your parents pick and dc up?

@canary1 As the OP said, there were no plans, nothing was set in stone, her OH wasn't all that fussed either way. No one is trying to take over, her mother sees her daughter struggling while pregnant and offers to host. Her OH wants the pregnant mother of his unborn children to stay home, slave in the kitchen and serve him. Because he gets his own way all the time.

If this was another OP or post, and the woman said she has a toddler, is pregnant, and her other half is selfish, does nothing, refuses to let her have her way on anything, has to have everything his way, and refuses any help for his pregnant exhausted partner and demands she stays home and cooks Christmas and serves him, everyone would rightly label him a selfish narcissistic abuser and she should leave him.

This is exactly the same situation. OP's health, and her views are not being respected. Her views, her needs are ridden roughshod over by a narcissistic abuser. And you actually think this is a good thing?

Omg he is a narcissistic abuser.
Who is over reaching now?

Er, someone who demands he has his own way all the time, and shouts her down and silences her and forces an exhausted pregnant woman to cook Christmas dinner on her own (when any OH worth his salt would be cooking FOR her) IS a narcissistic abuser.

In ANYONE'S language!

@tootesuite

he wouldn't engage in adult conversation about the space thing and went straight to 'you go I'm not coming'.

OP, the only way to deal with this is his call his bluff and go without him. Could your parents pick and dc up?

Agreed with tootesuite, get your parents to pick you and DC up for Christmas at their house. To be honest, I would think about making it permanent at least unless he changes his attitude.

Honestly, if a woman said her husband suddenly suggested that his mum had a great idea, have Christmas Day at his parents, when the plan was for the first time Christmas in their own home, the majority of posters would be supporting the woman.

Unless he was pregnant, had a toddler to look after and she was expecting him to cook Christmas dinner as well.

*at least until

"Narcissistic abuser."

Wow, that's some leap! I sometimes worry how many relationships have been seriously damaged IRL by posters swallowing the knee-jerk MN rhetoric of "LTB", "he's an abuser", in response to issues that could, with better communication/compromise/ultimatums, be easily resolved. This is one of those times. Yes, the DH is being a bit of a dick in the face of his disappointment that their plans could change at the 11th hour, but an abuser?

If we ignore COVID and a woman came on here and said I am pregnant and have a toddler. DH wants us to host Christmas, by which he means he wants me to host Christmas whilst he takes it easy, but we have the option to go to my mum’s for lunch. We always do want he wants normally but for once I would like him to take me into consideration and he has thrown a hissy fit, what would we be advising her.

If he’s such a bastard, why did the op have a second child with him?

Sometimes you don’t notice you always go along with someone’s preference until you want to do something completely different and they react in the way the DH did here

Loving the passion on this.

I'm not sure about narasasistic abuser but he always gets his own way and the issue is he's happy to put me in a horrible position i.e go without me (that's not easy for anyone to do with DC, I'd feel like shit) or go along with my way.

Yes he's been working hard, he's tired. Aren't we all? I work too, whoever asked. Part time - on my work days get DC up and ready, nursery drop off, collection, bath and bed on my own. On non work days DC and housework all day on my own. It's not been a picnic for me recently either. I'm not in a competition of who has it harder, I was of the understanding we're a team so his refusal to discuss like an adult another option is childish I think.

Those who are painting me and my mum and scheming witches trying to steal his Xmas have got it all wrong. My mum has got him loads of pressies, does a stocking for him like he's a kid, has baked him loads of his fave Xmas bits that his mum usually does. Genuinely only has our best interests in mind. So the space thing is their preference but it's probably one of very few times my parents have ever expressed a preference on anything and even if it doesn't make sense I'm inclined to give it air time because I care about how they feel. As I said before they also aren't insisting on anything. It was all just a suggestion. That's why I think OH is being braty on this.

We defiantly need to talk more openly but I tired, and it resulted in him digging his heels in. We need to pick it up again when he's calmed down. I don't care what we do at this stage. Just hate him being a child and throwing his toys out the pram.

I know how he feels sometimes I feel like that about my sil - everything gets planned around them and their family and we have to fit in at the last minute (even if it makes our day very difficult because we have livestock to look after). I get quite grumpy about going sometimes and would love a turn at hosting in my own home (but can’t as they always arrange their Xmas months ahead, before it’s even in my head). So perhaps he’s just fed up that he can’t see his parents and now his easy(ish) day at home has been changed?

I assume that he is fully prepared to do all the work on Christmas Day if it's at your house?

Go to your mam's.

Leave him a sandwich so he doesn't have to do his own dinner after a hard day at work.

So essentially you alienated his parents by refusing to go to theirs

Have we read the same thread sense?

Yes easy for him because he wasn’t going to do anything

@ThelmaNotLouise

She is not allowed to have Christmas with her parents. Everything has to be his way or the highway.

He SHOUTS her down into submission and silences her when she basically says to him she needs help.

He doesn't care about the stress, her health, or the health of his unborn child. He does not respect her feelings or want to do anything to lighten the load for the woman who is carrying his child.

He makes threats that he will separate the family on Christmas Day.

Ummmm....... what about that, does not scream narcissistic abuser, in neon flashing lights?

Yes, people, myself included, can be to quick to say 'LTB' and all that, but this, this is clear as day. There is a selfish man who does nothing to help his pregnant partner, makes sure she does everything his way, doesn't see how exhausted she is, doesn't do anything to lighten the load (unlike my father, and my DH who both did most of the Christmas dinners when mum/I were pregnant, because that's what good caring fathers/husbands are supposed to do), and when she rhetorically says to him 'I need help, I can't do this on my own', he shouts her down, silences her, and lays down the law. I must be reading this in the Twilight Zone because how is her OH not abusive?

@Honeyroar is it ok that he always gets his own way?

@Fbtw

If he’s such a bastard, why did the op have a second child with him?

Well, that is a question that could be aimed at so many couples on here. Women get trapped. Or they hope he'll change or things get better. Suggesting 'well, she shouldn't have a second child with him then' is just victim-blaming.

Oh the why did you have a second child thing.

I think it's often because women often accept the role of having to do more and trying to keep the man happy and taking on the role of homemaker, and we are sold the idea of love and happy ever after, and we want to make it work so we tolerate selfishness in men and make excuses for it. It takes time to get to the point where - if it is the case - you realise that your OH does not actually care about you in the way you thought and is actually happy to prioritise his own needs, whatever comes out of his mouth.

I include myself in that and I thought I was a feminist. It took me until my 40s really to break down the cognitive dissonance in my head and see that my ex was not lovely, he was selfish and I'd bent over backwards and worn myself out trying to make it work with someone who wasn't going to change. And to finally leave him.

Not saying OP's H is necessarily completely uncaring or a selfish twat who won't change - we can't tell everything about him from this thread - but he's showing some pretty typical signs.

@SchadenfreudePersonified

Go to your mam's.

Leave him a sandwich so he doesn't have to do his own dinner after a hard day at work.

So essentially you alienated his parents by refusing to go to theirs

Have we read the same thread sense?

Do this. And a little note with the sandwich- I feel this is more than you would do for me if we hosted xmas at home like you wanted, and I’m pregnant and exhausted. Sometimes in a marriage you realise if no one else in the marriage will look after you, you have to look after yourself. That’s where I am now.

It hasn’t been arranged, it was merely an idea

Yes, agree with whoever said sometimes you only realise someone's selfishness when you want to do something different to them. I'm quite easy going so it's never a big problem, and I don't usually spend much time overthinking arrangements - it's only because of Covid that this years arrangements have gone through many rounds of discussion/changes.

Love how replies are anything from me being a selfish bitch to him being an abuser. What a range?!

I think it's probably something less extreme than both of those and we both need to calm down and communicate better. My mum now getting the whif that her suggestion may have caused an argument now massively backing down 'we'll come to you, of course, whatever you both want, etc' - see, she thought she was being helpful?!

None of us knew OH had an immovable desire to spend Xmas day 2020 at home until last night!

Whatever we do I need him to see that by not being willing to listen to my parents preference and mine, and my threatening Xmas without us, he's been very childish indeed.

Your parents suggestion makes sense and I would think more space also makes sense too
We are going to my mums for same reason , she has a much bigger house , so we can all space out a lot more , which I think makes sense
Plus you have no food in yet have a toddler and are pregnant and you are only going for the day