OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

@Kalula given MiL said she’s partly wanting to host so that the risk to Grandma is reduced why can’t we let grandma have a say as to whether she feels risk adjustment is necessary?

We are only hearing one side. If kalulas interpretation of him is correct though I suggest divorce rather than worrying who cooks the sprouts .

I was just trying to say i don’t think his reasons for being annoyed at last minute change are unreasonable.

@Catsandtrees By the OP's posts, it seems her mum has spoken to her grandma. The OP mentions it as part of the reason for the suggestion apart from the OP's situation. But he didn't provide any reasons for being annoyed, just made excuses about the science is all wrong (when it's actually correct). OP said he never cared either way, so he didn't really seem to have any reason to be annoyed, other than it wasn't his idea or suggestion and he isn't used to not having his own way. Regardless of his annoyance, he has a toddler and a pregnant partner to worry about, and the concerns, health and wellbeing of his partner should come first, before his own annoyances. Just this one time, surely? She is exhausted from a tough pregnancy, surely his annoyances are trivial compared to what the mother of his unborn child is going through.

[quote Catsandtrees]@akittencalledjesus

I really think these comments would be different if it was opposite genders. I wouldn’t want my decisions to go or not go go in-laws painted as “I would love to but wife says she doesn’t want to”. That isn’t the same as not having an opinion it’s presenting as a united front on decisions that might stir up emotions with inlaws ![/quote]

Say what now? The only person stirring up emotions is OP's DH. I don't see why the responses would be any different if the sexes were reversed. The OP is not going to have a break from working, childcare and housework at all if they stay at home.

I suggest DH cooks if he's that desperate to stay at home. Give his pregnant wife with morning sickness a break.

I actually think SNL nailed it with this song.

I'm not a mother, but I wonder how many of you can relate to this. Given the number of threads surrounding Christmas and birthdays I should imagine it's a fair few.

Yes, akittencalledjesus. I remember last year there were similar threads last year about women with an illness and women with small children (wish I could remember the threads) and they were saying how they were forced to do all the cooking while minding all the various children and it was basically unanimous in all the threads that the men were being selfish pigs. Not sure what has changed this year! AIBU has gotten more odd. Never thought I'd see a thread where people were contortionists twisting themselves to justify the poor man who always gets his way, and suggesting the sick pregnant and exhausted wife/partner is being 'unreasonable', and suggesting the 'compromise' is that the MAN gets his way, as always, and his sick pregnant wife should stay home and do the cooking as planned, regardless. Wtf is going on here? The end of 2020 can't come quick enough.

@lamby12

Loving the passion on this.

I'm not sure about narasasistic abuser but he always gets his own way and the issue is he's happy to put me in a horrible position i.e go without me (that's not easy for anyone to do with DC, I'd feel like shit) or go along with my way.

Yes he's been working hard, he's tired. Aren't we all? I work too, whoever asked. Part time - on my work days get DC up and ready, nursery drop off, collection, bath and bed on my own. On non work days DC and housework all day on my own. It's not been a picnic for me recently either. I'm not in a competition of who has it harder, I was of the understanding we're a team so his refusal to discuss like an adult another option is childish I think.

Those who are painting me and my mum and scheming witches trying to steal his Xmas have got it all wrong. My mum has got him loads of pressies, does a stocking for him like he's a kid, has baked him loads of his fave Xmas bits that his mum usually does. Genuinely only has our best interests in mind. So the space thing is their preference but it's probably one of very few times my parents have ever expressed a preference on anything and even if it doesn't make sense I'm inclined to give it air time because I care about how they feel. As I said before they also aren't insisting on anything. It was all just a suggestion. That's why I think OH is being braty on this.

We defiantly need to talk more openly but I tired, and it resulted in him digging his heels in. We need to pick it up again when he's calmed down. I don't care what we do at this stage. Just hate him being a child and throwing his toys out the pram.

I think you need to read up the definition of the word 'team'

Because I'm not sure you're in one. What does he do besides work at his paid job?

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Faultymain5 do you normally get your own way all the time?[/quote]
Erm usually, but not because of a tantrum (this is unusual circs - Covid don't you know), because DH is not really fussed. When he vocalises an opposing opinion, I'll do what he wants because he's not fussy about anything, so should get whatever he does ask for imho.

I'm more effed off because he's on holiday from last week Wednesday till 16th Jan and I'm working until Xmas eve. I'm well jel.

@akittencalledjesus I actually meant the natural feelings of rejection MIL might have if her offer to host is rejected once op had had with husband if they’d decided to turn down her kind offer.

But obviously the husband is an evil abusing bastard so I don’t know why she even asked his opinion anyway.

@lamby12 can I just say your mum sounds absolutely lovely and your partner very selfish

By shutting you down he is automatically getting his own way. Just go to your parents and let your husband cut his nose off to spite his face.

I’m with your husband on this. He was looking forward to something, and you want to change it. Lots of perfectly nice normal people would be disappointed with that, especially when it’s about Christmas that’s less than a week away.

You’re missing the point with your ‘it’s just a SUGGESTION’ and you’re being deliberately obtuse but sticking on that point. If someone makes a suggestion like you have then it’s the same as saying I don’t want to do what was planned so we should do something different. People don’t make suggestions about new plans when they are happy about the original plan and want them to continue.

Your DH didn’t want to discuss it because he didn’t want to hear that a Christmas at home wasn’t good enough for you anymore or that you care more about your parents having Christmas the way they want than you do him. Because no matter how nicely you think you suggested it, that’s pretty much what you’re saying. And then you’re wondering why he's pissed off!!

Genuinely can’t believe that he’s being criticised so much on here, especially just for saying he won’t go. While I understand that it makes things awkward if he won’t go, it’s you that put that on him, so you should be understanding if he wants to stay home, especially if you’re going to stick with your mum and leave home alone.

The thing is it's not just for the grandma to determine her own risk. Personally I'd never forgive myself if I passed something on to a vulnerable relative so even if they were happy with the risk I might not be.

I might be in the minority here but I'd be pretty frustrated if we decided one year where to spend next years Christmas only for the plans to change days before it was happening. Maybe he has issues tolerating change, I get that too

But obviously the husband is an evil abusing bastard so I don’t know why she even asked his opinion anyway.

Bollocks is he. A selfish twat, perhaps, for refusing to even discuss anything.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is the issue here. Whatever they decide is fine. It's just him going in to a strop over precisely nothing as nothing has been decided. All he needed to do was voice that although the offer was kind, he would rather stay at home this year. I get the distinct impression the OP would have been much more amenable to that approach.

You know, in the way that adults normally discuss these things.

I really don't see what is so difficult about that?

@NailsNeedDoing RTFT. OP is suffering a tough pregnancy, is exhausted, and doesn't want to cook. The mother of his unborn child should come first to any caring, chivalrous partner.

As OP said, he didn't care either way, and couldn't be bothered with plans. Nothing was arranged or set in stone, and the OH wasn't bothered. He only kicked up a stink, because for the first time, the OP stood up to him after him getting his way for years.

The OP is sick, pregnant and exhausted. Her needs come first! He is a pig who is selfish and controls her.

@1950s1 our plans for Christmas since last year have changed, as I assume many people's have. From a COVID point of view, if you are mixing households, it is best to have your dinner in the biggest space available. So yes it might be disappointing to not have Christmas in your own home, but as Christmas is just not about thinking about yourself, especially this year, maybe agreeing to have a few hours at someone else's house instead of the original plan is not the worst thing that can happen. OP could compromise and say they would only stay for the meal and not make a whole day of it.

@1950s1 Even if your sick pregnant partner was exhausted and did was not well enough to host? Plans change. She got pregnant. Christmas plans change, it is no big deal. As the OP has said in her previous responses on here, which you can read by clicking on the See All link at the bottom of the OP top post, he ALWAYS gets his way, and he shouted her into silence. Of course someone like him will be annoyed that he won't get his way 100% of the time. Tough. He is in a relationship, with a family to think of. Her needs and wants count, too. Especially as she is pregnant and having a tough time of it!

As someone who's always looking forward to some peace and quiet, I get your OH, tbh.
He was working hard and those few days off were probably something that was helping him to cope with the stress.
How about you go on your own for a day and agree to spend the rest of the holidays with him? Would that be such an issue?

@EerieSilence You don't think the OP works hard, with her part time job, looking after a 2 year old, running the household all while being pregnant and suffering morning sickness and exhaustion? Oh that's right, only the man who goes to work counts as 'real work', right? RTFT OP has said they always go by what he wants, she never gets a look in or say, it's his way or the highway and the one time she said I can't cope with hosting, he shouts her into silence.

Genuinely stunned at the amount of people who think a sick, pregnant woman suffering exhaustion should be forced to host because 'it's what the man wants'. Women really are turning on each other greater than ever, I am beginning to believe we have regressed so much that we are worse off than we were in the 60s!

Handmaid's Tale is no longer just a movie.....

@Kalula - I never said that so I would kindly request you to stop putting words in my mouth.
I am trying to understand the OH's side of the story, without saying oh, what a prick, divorce him.
TBH, I am looking forward to undisturbed Christmas days, without socialising and having to talk to many people except for the closest family (i.e. DH, DD, the dog and the two cats). If someone told me, off we go to spend the Christmas Day with their family, I'd flat out refuse.
OP can go and enjoy her family and get some rest, without having to cook or bake etc. And tbh, if I were, I'd simply do the home cooking and baking as easy as possible, M&S festive dinner or something similar.

@EerieSilence What possible 'side' of the DH is there that would justify him deciding not to be with his pregnant partner and child? What can possibly justify you suggesting she doesn't work and his priorities matter, over their child and their unborn child his sick and pregnant partner is carrying? What possible side could ever justify that, do tell me? Because for the life of me I do not see any reasonable justification for either of the two. Especially when the OH is abusive, selfish and always gets his own way, while OP never gets a say in anything, and this time she is pregnant, sick and exhausted. How can you justify that? The OH's wants should not even get a look in this time around. FFS, his partner who is carrying his child, is pregnant, having bad sickness, and is exhausted? How on earth can the OH's 'side' take any priority, whatsoever?

The OH was not going to have a quiet day to himself anyway if you read the OP's post, as THEY were thinking of (no plans had even been set in stone even!) hosting her parents, as well as her grandma. So, the only difference, is venue.

First option: OH and OP were having Christmas with her parents and her grandma at her house.
Second option: OH and OP were having Christmas with her parents and her grandma at her house.

If you read the OP's posts, you'd see that regardless of at home or her parents home, the man was still going to spend Christmas with her parents, regardless.

The only change, has been the venue. And the cook.

@Kalula

Handmaid's Tale is no longer just a movie.....

Have you READ handmaids tale? Are you seriously comparing an argument between a pregnant lady wanting to put her feet up vs a stubborn man with a story about government sanctioned rape, murder and slavery??

I never said that so I would kindly request you to stop putting words in my mouth

OP is however also stressed and tired. Made worse by a DH had a raging tantrum rather than even discuss the suggestion of another option, one which requires no effort on his part. I don't see why his stresses call shotgun over his pregnant wife's.

I've watched women spend their entire lives pandering to this behaviour "for the sake of the family" or "to keep the peace". The fact that he wouldn't even discuss it without a tantrum, and that he gets his own way as the norm would suggest the OP has been doing the same when they have a difference of opinion.