OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

If I'd spent a year thinking I was having Christmas at home, I'd be really annoyed if DH considered changing it with 4 days to go. Add to that, going into someone else's home during a pandemic when you could stay in you own home ...
Your DH shouldn't have flown off the handle but I think YABU to suddenly change everything and it definitely reads as though your parents are pushing the change and you put their wishes before the arrangement you had with your DH. Your DM can take responsibility for cooking in your house. She can buy the food and pre-prepare it if you're too tired to cook.

@Yeahnahmum

The way he spoke to you iswrong. But i can understand your dh not being happy about the change of plans. He was looking forward to kick back in his own home. I get it. I wouldnt like a last minute change either. Why dont you go and he stays home? That way everyone gets what he/she wants to do.

But him kicking back in his own home is at the expense of his pregnant wife doing all the cooking and tidying and cleaning to feed 5 adults and a toddler, and he can't even kick back that much - not like he's be in his underwear drinking beer at 8 am with a small child and guests around

@StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads

Hmmm... I would be very disappointed to have planned a nice Christmas in my own home and then at the last minute be told I'm going to my in-laws instead. So I can understand the disappointment. BUT he Sounds like a selfish arse. His reaction is over the top and nasty. Surely his pregnant wife's feelings should matter to him?

I would expect him to voice his disappointment to you, but for that to turn into a conversation about what you both want and how you are both feeling. It sounds like he's only thinking of himself.

The thing is he hasnt planned a nice Christmas in his own home he has expected OP to do all the planning and prep.

I’m sure many people aren’t doing Christmas like they might have planned for earlier in the year. It isn’t like the DH just wanted OP and the toddler at home. He didn’t seem too bothered about having people there so assume he wasn’t planning to sit around in his pjs all day but he didn’t seem to be planning to help in anyway even though they have a toddler and OP is pregnant.

Well, that is what you agreed. But you’re knackered, pregnant and there’s a pandemic on so I’d do what is best for you on that basis.

@Chloemol

You go to your Karen’s and leave him at home if he is that bothered

I wish I was going to our Karen's. She's a fantastic cook!

So much less effort to go to someone else's house so I don't really buy that he was looking forward to kicking back at home (unless you do all the work and he does nothing??) and that now he is upset about travelling to someone else's house.

Is there something else at play here that is upsetting him? Seems a pretty extreme reaction.

OP, their science about the space is right so it makes sense to go to bigger house and it makes sense to have less people so there is science behind leaving your DH at home as well.
I do get that some people don’t like changing plans at the very last minute (however there is no need to be rude about it) but even without Covid there are sensible reasons behind your mum’s offer. The choice is between you being even more knackered and you having a bit of rest. I know what my DH would choose.

@StatisticalSense

So essentially you alienated his parents by refusing to go to theirs because you 'had to stay at home' but now your parents want you to go to theirs you expect him to be happy with it?

OP said:

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout.

He's obviously being a dick but having a meetup, involving someone elderly and a key worker, seems very reckless.

It was a joint decision to host Christmas this year, and whilst not condoning the way he spoke to you- it does sound like you kinda told him that the plans you'd both made dont auit anymore, and opposed to discussing it? Yes it sounds like it would be easier, but if he's suddenly said you were going to his folks for the reasons you e given- would you have been ok with that? He needs to apologise for his behaviour and attitude, and then maybe there needs to be a discussion regarding whether you host and you'd planned all year or change it.

Seriously, these kind of men aren't more amenable if you let them get their own way, it just encourages them to want their own way about everything! I agree with the PP about just calmly saying you're going to your mums, you'll do a mini roast on Boxing Day and he can stay at home if he doesn't want to come. But I'd add that if he's going to put a face on at your mum's, he's not invited.

Just to add, it's about a plan that suits lots of people, trumping the original plan that under the current circumstances only suits him.

I'm really surprised at the amount of people backing up the dh here. He is the only selfish one in this situation. He is putting his wants ahead of everyone else involved.

His reaction sounds terrible but I wouldn’t like a last minute change either. You need to have a proper conversation about it. For example if you’re willing to stay at home but he handles the food as you’re pregnant and tired. Work it out.

Advice about just leaving him behind while you go to your family’s place is awful. That’s a last resort if you can’t get through to him. After all you’re the one changing the plans not him. It’s no wonder so many marriages breakdown of this is how people behave.

Seriously, don't argue with him about it. Just say OK and that you will go whilst he stays at home. Leave it at that and say nothing more. Just make sure you do go and that he sorts out his own Christmas lunch!

[quote lamby12]@WhereamI88 yes sometimes he's such a selfish shit. It really is his biggest flaw that he only cares about what he wants to do. Usually doesn't crop up much as we do our own thing a lot and right now don't do much. So there's really not much I ask of him and he's shown zero interest in Xmas plans up to now.

It does make me livid that he has no desire to give a damn what I might want to do.

@katy1213 yes probably would. He doesn't even make much effort with my family (or his) I make more effort than him to keep in touch with his family. I really feel he needs a wake up call about how selfish he is[/quote]
I know this gets asked a lot here but if you felt this way about him why have his child?

If I went to my dps, I’d consider not coming back.

Don’t get into an argument. This type of man will just start calling you psycho or unreasonable if you argue back. You’re married to a selfish man and this is the start of an unhappy life for you. I know because I am you and I wish I’d left when it first reared it’s head 10 years ago. I didn’t and I’m now stuck and very unhappy. Anyway what you do is shrug your shoulders, disengage, smile and say “it’s up to you what you do. You’re welcome to come but it’s your life so stay here if you want”. Then you do what you want and leave him be. Nothing you say or do can fix this unless you give him his own way constantly. Don’t explain your motivations. He doesn’t care. You just need to do your own thing, be unemotional and not rely on him for anything

He sounds like a poor communicator. He doesn't want to go but can't articulate why, and is getting angry to make it seem like it's a bad idea rather than him being unreasonable.

Acknowledge his feelings and speak about yours rather than arguing or accusing him.

"I understand that you want Christmas at home, but I am feeling very tired and you've been working a lot, so I would rather let my parents host this year so that we can relax and enjoy the day together."

It sounds like there is a significant backstory which might totally change my opinion, but on the basis of just this incident I don't think he's selfish.

It sounds a bit like he's been looking forward to Christmas in his own home for years, it's finally on the cards and you've agreed with your parents to change the plans and proposed the change as a fait accompli (though I don't disagree that his reaction is over the top and aggressive).

I don't think it's selfish of him to want a Christmas in his own home and to unhappy about you trying to rearrange things at the last minute even though you've been planning it around covid.

If I was looking to spend time at home especially as I was working right up until the 24th then no way would I be changing that. Sorry op. He isn't even seeing his own parents just going along to please yours.

Is it the difference between not driving or driving?

Maybe he just can't relax in your parents home?

What a horrible man. Why are you allowing him to talk shit about your family?

If he was that fussed about Christmas in his on home he'd be offering to shop and cook.