OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

Well he's an awful awful man, who speaks to their wife that way? Sounds like you'd be doing all the hard work as well since he's working flat out till Xmas so the argument about being less work to go to your mum's is irrelevant since he doesn't care.

It must be horribly difficult to realise you are having a baby with a man who treats you like shit. If he won't go, consider going without him. Maybe a break while being taken care of by your mum will do you good.

You go - and leave him to do whatever he wants. You'll probably have a better time without him!

He sounds vile.
What's stressing him out so much?

So what is you made plans a year ago. Covid trumps all plans.

And tell him to cook for his pregnant wife on Boxing day whilst you're pointing out all his selfish foibles

I've lost track.of the rules but are you allowed to mix 3.households? If you are then go. He can stay at home.and make his own dinner if he wants to.just ignore him if he sulks. If it was him who was.having to do all the work I'd bet he'd jump at the chance.of someone else cooking.

Agree less pressure not hosting if he and your parents wont help but going to inlaws is usually different to being in your own home or going to your own parents. I hate last minute changes

So you are pregnant with your second child with a nasty selfish twat.

This is clearly who he is.

People very rarely behave so dreadfully in isolation.

There is a clear pattern of selfishness.

I presume this pregnancy is an accident?

Be very careful OP.

It sounds like you are in a really awful situation with a man who has potential to be abusive.

Reach out to your parents and tell them the truth.

Definitely go to them for Christmas and leave this waster to his nasty rages.

@WhereamI88 yes sometimes he's such a selfish shit. It really is his biggest flaw that he only cares about what he wants to do. Usually doesn't crop up much as we do our own thing a lot and right now don't do much. So there's really not much I ask of him and he's shown zero interest in Xmas plans up to now.

It does make me livid that he has no desire to give a damn what I might want to do.

@katy1213 yes probably would. He doesn't even make much effort with my family (or his) I make more effort than him to keep in touch with his family. I really feel he needs a wake up call about how selfish he is

Go without him if need be. Just say calmly and quietly that you think it's a brilliant idea and you're going. Let him know he's very welcome too and then leave it at that. Don't be coaxing and persuading and fretting. Some people thrive on the emotional whirlpools they create. Stay calm and cheerful, don't be drawn in as you've made your plans.

Come the day when you say, "I'm off, then!" you'll probably find him buckling up in the passenger seat. If not, it's his choice.

Given that you're pregnant, knackered and have been offered an alternative that takes the pressure off I think I would be telling him either he does all the prep work and the cooking etc and you will be sitting back and relaxing, or you are taking up the offer. He can then do as he chooses.

There's no wake up call for this type of man. I know, I was married to one who sounds exactly like your DH. He won't change. He will never be a better husband or father than he is now. He will always be selfish and aggressive and angry when doesn't get his way.

You and your needs and desires will always be second. Always. You need to decide if you're ok with that. Maybe you are but if you're not, you need to do something about it because life is too short. Way too short.

I'm sorry, OP. You're married to a selfish twat who'd rather insist his pregnant wife who is also chasing around a toddler do all the Christmas work (hosting, shopping, cooking, cleaning) then accept a lovely offer under the current conditions. I have no doubt he's not planning to do any of the running about or cooking.

Tell him you'll agree to stay home if he does all the cooking and cleaning up and that you're planning to sit on the couch while you and your parents entertain the toddler.

OP, tell him he can stay home, and you go to your parents. Don't pander to the twat.

Who would have cooked, you or him?

What a hideous man - leaving you to do all the work and putting others at risk. Has he noticed there is a GLOBAL PANDEMIC and many people’s arrangements have changed this week. Go for Xmas at your parents. Is there any point in returning afterwards?

The way he spoke to you iswrong. But i can understand your dh not being happy about the change of plans. He was looking forward to kick back in his own home. I get it. I wouldnt like a last minute change either. Why dont you go and he stays home? That way everyone gets what he/she wants to do.

DH loves the idea of Christmas at home just the four of us. But I've always said if we're doing it at home he can do the cooking. Maybe try that approach?

You go to your Karen’s and leave him at home if he is that bothered

Parents, no idea where Karen’s came from!

@Yeahnahmum

The way he spoke to you iswrong. But i can understand your dh not being happy about the change of plans. He was looking forward to kick back in his own home. I get it. I wouldnt like a last minute change either. Why dont you go and he stays home? That way everyone gets what he/she wants to do.

Agree with this. I'd hate to have been looking forward to Xmas in my own home to then be told I have to go elsewhere. Especially if I'd been working hard all year in a key worker role.

But of course he should pull his weight on the day too.

@Chloemol

You go to your Karen’s and leave him at home if he is that bothered

" It really is his biggest flaw that he only cares about what he wants to do. Usually doesn't crop up much as we do our own thing a lot and right now don't do much."

So basically as long as he gets his own way at all times, he is pleasant? Otherwise he's like a tantrumming toddler?

This is more than a flaw, this is a man who is fundamentally selfish and controlling.

Hmmm... I would be very disappointed to have planned a nice Christmas in my own home and then at the last minute be told I'm going to my in-laws instead. So I can understand the disappointment. BUT he Sounds like a selfish arse. His reaction is over the top and nasty. Surely his pregnant wife's feelings should matter to him?

I would expect him to voice his disappointment to you, but for that to turn into a conversation about what you both want and how you are both feeling. It sounds like he's only thinking of himself.

So essentially you alienated his parents by refusing to go to theirs because you 'had to stay at home' but now your parents want you to go to theirs you expect him to be happy with it?

@StatisticalSense

So essentially you alienated his parents by refusing to go to theirs because you 'had to stay at home' but now your parents want you to go to theirs you expect him to be happy with it?

Eh? Are you reading a different thread? Where did you get the alienating his parents from?

It would probably be better not to meet at all. And do Christmas separately.

@StatisticalSense where has she alienated his parents. I think COVID has influenced their decision not OP.

It is best to be in the biggest and most ventilated space possible if mixing households, so if that is the OP’s parents house then that makes sense this year. You probably should limit your time there too, so wouldn’t be the whole day. Doesn’t sound as if your DH will do anything to help wherever you have Christmas.