OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

Are you allowed to mix three households anyway?

Your OH overreacted massively, but I do understand his preference for Christmas in your own home. I like it too (even with the extra stress of cooking and hosting). Totally agree with other posters that he has to pull his weight though if that's the plan, and do 50% of the prep and cooking. If he's not prepared to do that then he doesn't get to make the decision.

I’d be annoyed too. Your DH has probably gone about it the wrong way but yes this would really piss me off. I hate change of plans last minute especially when you’re looking forward to something. Extra especially when it’s because of other people.

I think it was horrible the way he spoke to you.

I do understand him not liking a potential change of plan though. I'm single now but I love Christmas at home and if we had one planned and ex DP tried to suggest going to ex MIL instead I wouldn't have been happy.

He could have told you how he felt in a polite & respectful way though.

What an absolute tit.
You go and he can stay home if he wants.

They do everything for us

he's such a selfish shit

I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc

I know what I’d be doing on Christmas Day and it wouldn’t be a hard decision.

“They do everything for us” might = they interfere and we never get peace.

My ex’s family said they did everything for us. I felt suffocated.

Normally we all just go along with his preference
That one sentence speaks volumes. He’s been spoilt, can’t handle not getting his own way. Please don’t try to placate him; take up IL’s offer and let him know that sometimes your well-being is just as important as his.

Hmmm although he could have handled it differently I would be annoyed too. I’d much rather be at home than at my in laws. Totally different thing. Sorry but I can see his point

That sounds like something my EXH would have done. Turn the most innocuous issue into a drama because it doesn't suit him.

Yes they might have planned to host Christmas at their house this year but 2 major things have changed since then; there's a pandemic, and the OP is pregnant. Both good enough reasons on their own to change plans and let someone else take the strain of hosting.

The vast majority of people have seen some changes to their Christmas plans this year, he's not alone. Perhaps he has a right to be a bit put out, but he does not have a right to tantrum about it like a toddler, the OP already has one of those to deal with.

I think the bigger house aspect is a bit of a red herring tbh . You will all still be in the same room and unless it’s a massive mansion, I doubt you will all be 2 metres apart .
I’d be pissed off at being told at the 11th hour the plans had changed .

He sounds like a rude pig and doesn't like like he cares about you, the mother of his child, who is also pregnant with his second child. He should be bending over backwards to make this Christmas as relaxing as possible for you. He's a pos. What good points does he have? Because it sounds like you'd be better off without him. Stand your ground. Tell him that you are pregnant and carrying his child, and don't want to cook this Christmas, and if he gave a damn about you the mother of his child, he'd be going out of his way to make you happy. I'd stick to my guns and say he can stay home alone on Christmas day, but YOU, and your DC are going to your parents. He has two choices, to do something nice for you - for once, or stay at home and make himself a sandwich for his Christmas meal. You are going, with - or without him.

If I were looking forward to Christmas at home all year for the first time in years but on the 21st December my husband spoke to his dad and told me they had decided we were going to FIL’s, I would be pretty annoyed too

But the OP states that it wasn't a done deal.

Her Mum suggested it, OP thought it was a good idea, DH flew off the handle and refused to even discuss it. They was no 'they had decided' before he threw his toys out of the pram. If there had been then maybe he'd have more of a case to act like an arsehole.

It would be different if OH offered to be the one to do most if not all of the cooking if you stayed home (even if he did no doubt he'd go back on it on the day when it's too late to go), but I suspect without even asking you that he would never offer to do anything to help you out with the cooking. Even when he knows you are pregnant.

I wouldn’t be discussing it either if the plans had been arranged.

Also the fact that op hasn’t told her mum no, plans are set, would piss me right off.

He’s been an arse, no doubt, in how he responded but I can completely understand why he’s pissed off

This isn’t a change due to Covid which would maybe be different, but I’d still want Christmas in my own house.

@Fbtw No plans were made. He wouldn't even discuss it! Also, she pregnant and exhausted and doesn't want to cook. People I think missed that bit. He is selfish and doesn't want to make things easier for his pregnant partner. It is more than a reasonable question to ask her OH.

but I’d still want Christmas in my own house.
As long as someone else did the heavy lifting and cooking, right?

He’s been looking forward to a day at home hosting HIS family, and now he can’t be with his parents, and without consultation, you agreed to move the whole thing to your Mum’s.

Yes, he is being childish and having a tantrum. There has been upset in our family over changed plans due to T4.

You both sound exhausted and stretched. Hindsight is a fantasy but maybe you should have explained how overwhelmed and dine in you are and discussed your Mum’s offer together.

It isn’t ok for him to be nasty but maybe rather than let this escalate go back a step and say let’s discuss it - and acknowledge the fait accomplit.

The plans had been made.

If the op wanted help with the Christmas work she needed to be putting that in place when that was what was suggested and making sure her OH was going to,pitch in.

I don’t think anyone who hasn’t has their whole Christmas taken over by the in laws can understand how horrible it is.

I used to hate it (my family were abroad, and my ex refused point blank ever to go and see them over Christmas)

I wasn’t mad keen on my in laws, they were not made keen on me and to have both days taken over by their sort of Christmas used to really affect me.

Have you missed the bit where the OP says they normally go with his preference. Also how he is disagreeing with the science about extra space for socialising etc.

As far as I am aware although there have been some differences between what the scientists say, space and ventilation is key to reduce the risk of transmission.

Has he even noticed that most people have had Xmas cancelled and can’t meet other families indoors? All this stress over nothing much. Shame you are tied to the shit.

The lack of discussion is likely to have annoyed him. My ex loved (still loves) my family but me telling him at short notice plans have changed to suit them would have annoyed him

No plans were made. The OP said they decided last year to have Christmas at home. A lot has happened in those 12 months, she became pregnant, for one. No plans were made, as she said, no prep work was even done. Sounds more like a lose 'yeah we'll have it at home next year' type of thing. Also, plans can always be unmade if need be. It's not like she wrote it on in her own blood.

There are so many people facing disappointing last minute plans for Christmas. Many of whom manage to do so without throwing a tantrum and being so awful to the people they are meant to love the most.

The lack of discussion is likely to have annoyed him.

OP tried to have a discussion with him.