OH refusing Xmas plan change

[lamby12]

I think OH is being selfish and childish - is he?

We were always going to have Xmas day at our house, for one reason or another we've never been at home or not having major renovations etc so we said since last year we'd have this Xmas at home and host for my parents, his parents and any other family. We have a 2yo.

MIL & FIL decided last month they wouldn't be coming. They are boderline vulnerable and have been shielding throughout. My grandma would usually be with relatives aboard (she alternates each year) but she's in the equation with us this year due to restrictions. She's not bothered about Covid, says she might not be around much longer anyway (she's been saying that for 10+ years).

So it's now us, my parents and grandma on Xmas day (3 households) nobody's done much prep re food and we're taking it all very relaxed this year due to the uncertainty.

My mum suggested yesterday they'd feel more comfortable re grandma if we came to them as their house is considerably bigger with lots more socialising space, so more scope to naturally distance. She also knows OH is working flat out up to Xmas as a key worker, we haven't done any food shopping yet, we're tight on money and I'm knackered from being on my own with a toddler all the time. So all that combined she is trying to be helpful and relieve any pressure of us hosting.

I said great idea. OH flew off the handle, poking holes in the science of whether more space is safer, being argumentative about it, calling them stupid for suggesting it (all this just said to me). Acting like they're doing something malicious 'I've been looking forward to Xmas at home and they throw this in at the last minute' type ranting.

Saying he's not going?!? The decision hasn't even been made it was just discussion, not expected to be heated discussion.

I don't know if their science about space is right but if it makes them feel more comfortable who cares? They do everything for us. They are also offering to host coming from a nice place. Oh and I'm pregnant, so I'm bloody knackered and would love to not cook etc.

Should add, we're at home just us Boxing Day and I've offered to cook mini Xmas dinner #2 with OHs fave bits, so that will be our day at home if that's what he wants.

His reaction was so angry and nasty about my parents I told him he's a selfish and needs to take a long hard look at himself. All he ever gives a damn about is what he wants to do. Normally we all just go along with his preference but why should we? He's no reasons other than he'd prefer it. Who the hell at this time of Covid suggests NOT coming to Xmas day because of what house were at. Who cares?

AIBU to tell him he's a selfish ?

The plans were amended in the last month, due to his parents not coming, but the plan for a year had been for them to be at home.

I’d would be majorly pissed off if my partner had discussed that all with her mother and then told me after. Really majorly pissed off.

There's no wake up call for this type of man. I know, I was married to one who sounds exactly like your DH

My FiL was like this. MiL spent her entire life pandering to it and he got worse with age, he never became less self centred despite being able to be charming and the life and soul of the party when he wished.

The question for the OP is whether or no this is a unusual reaction in a stressful year or part of a long term pattern. The former can usually be worked through, the latter no so much.

Just go without him - pathetic manbaby.

I would be annoyed too if my plans were changed without my knowledge but that’s not what the OP said has happened.

Her mum only said yesterday that she’s not coming so do they want to go there instead. Then DH has gone OTT instead of just saying no I want to stay in my own home because I want to do the shopping and cooking etc.

There were no plans.

And there was no discussion.

The OP didn't make a decision - she didn't accept their offer. She did the right thing and tried to discuss it with her OH. He wouldn't even discuss it. The refusal to communicate or compromise is on him. It's not like she said 'I talked to my parents, we're going there on Christmas day instead'. She tried to raise the suggestion. He wouldn't even communicate or discuss.

You should have discussed the changed with him and not just presented him with a fait accompli.

She TRIED TO DISCUSS IT WITH HIM!

She DIDN'T present it as a fait accompli. She didn't accept their offer, she wanted to TALK TO HER OH FIRST!

The op,said great idea So her mind was made up.

I don't think people on here actually read posts thoroughly. No where has the OP said that she has definitely changed plans. She NEVER presented it to him as a 'fait accompli'. She WAITED to TALK to her OH.

The op,said great idea So her mind was made up.

Pmsl, no, that is NOT the same thing as accepting the offer. Saying something is a 'great idea' DOES NOT = making your mind up.

I think your mum has been quite rude actually, overturning an invitation and taking over Christmas. It sounds as if she's criticising your home. If she'd framed it as suggesting that they and your grandma don't come out of concern over the escalating situation, perhaps he'd have been more inclined to consider joining them.

I dislike going to my ILs at Christmas and would be pissed off if my plans for Christmas at home were suddenly overridden. It doesn't excuse the way he's reacted but really, he has reason to be annoyed.

Your DP is a bad’un. Would think hard about your future with him.

I’d would be majorly pissed off if my partner had discussed that all with her mother and then told me after. Really majorly pissed off.

In essence you think the OP should predict her mum's suggestion so that she can discuss it with her H before her mum actually makes the suggestion?

I would be annoyed too if my plans were changed without my knowledge but that’s not what the OP said has happened.

Exactly! OP hasn't changed any plans. She decided to check with her OH first, but he wouldn't even listen to her. He wouldn't discuss anything.

She said great idea.

What she should have said was let me talk to oh and come back to you.

@Fbtw the plans have changed due to COVID. His parents don’t want to come because they are vulnerable. OP’s Gran is now joining them because she can’t travel to where she normally goes, and her parents’ house has a bigger space so they can SD.

The original plan might have been the more the merrier at OP’s house with everyone squeezed together but that is the worst idea this year. So plans do have to change due to COVID.

And maybe the DH was looking forward to hosting, but it appears that his idea of hosting is to let OP do everything.

@dontdisturbmenow

Changing significant plans that were agreed a long ago without discussing them with your partner first is extremely rude and show no respect for their views and input.

You're in the wrong.

She didn't....change....any.....plans.

She WANTED to and TRIED to talk to her partner first, HE refused to discuss it, and it shows by shutting her down and refusing to even discuss it with her that he has no respect for the pregnant mother of his child and her input.

He, is the one in the wrong. OP has done nothing wrong at all.

*She said great idea.

What she should have said was let me talk to oh and come back to you.*

Neither of them are mutually exclusive. Saying that's a great idea let me talk to OH first, IS what the OP did.

That’s not how I read the op. She’s not clear. I read it as she told her mum great idea and said to her oh isn’t this a great idea.

I give up. The OP's post was as clear as day. Her mother offered to host (probably could see her daughter was struggling and that she would having to do absolutely everything including cooking), OP said oh that's a great idea, I'll discuss it with OH first. However, OH refused to even discuss it. The OP's post was very clear.

See, I read it as it was what my ex used to do, which was a fake discussion with me where he had already made his mind up.

(And I get that from the op saying she said great idea).

Great idea means her mind is made up and she’s not really actually open to a proper discussion.

I’d let her go if she wanted and stay home. I wouldn’t be changing my plans on 21st or 22nd December when they had already been fucked over by Covid.

(But his being so angry and not helping is wrong. Which 8 have already said.)

Kalula calm down - we’ve all read the OP and have interpreted it slightly differently. We also have no clue how she said it to DH but she sounds keen on the idea.

All of these posts are pointless if the OP is in the uk . At her mums there would be 3 households ,totally forbidden. Gas everyone on here been asleep the last few days?

There’s also an undertone to the ops mums offer to host that she might not even realise.

Our house is bigger.

You can’t afford the Christmas food.

It’s all a bit deserving poor be grateful. Or at least, if they do that sort of thing and come across with it like that, would get right on my tits.

Nowhere does the OP say that she consulted DH before accepting the change of plans. If I had been working throughout this bloody awful year as a keyworker, and looking forward to a quiet family Christmas day at home, then got told the plan had changed I'd be pretty annoyed too. The reaction on here towards your DH is terrible, if it was the other way round and your DH had switched plans without discussing it with you there would be LTB all over the place.

I’m in Northern Ireland and 3 households is allowed.

I think you mean certain parts of England?