to be disappointed by my cousin exbridesmaid

[firstnamechange2020]

I am an only child so growing up so my cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister and up until i was 6 the same could be said for her. Sadly now I am once again the closest thing she still has to a sister. Us growing up close is not the problem I just thought it would be needed to keep in mind for context so that i make it clear this is a very very very close relationship we had. We even shared a room growing up for a long time.

when she got married 10 years ago I was thrilled for her. I flew all the away to asia for a full month as I was a bridesmaid. I followed all of her wishes to the point. I did not complain about my hair, my nail colour selected by her, the dress she wanted me to wear. I said yes to it all as I understood this is her day and I am here to support her.

Before the wedding I bought her a nice Tiffany's necklace as my gift as i loved her dearly and was happy to get her what I hope is a once in a life time gift. My DM was with me and I asked her if she remembered me buying this just to check I had not somehow got confused with things... it was 10 years ago after all.

3 years ago my boyfriend proposed and I of course said yes. I pretty much told my cousin right after telling my dm just because of how important she is to me. I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Now I will understand if I was wrong here but I did not make her my maid of honour. This was not because me not loving her but because she was all the way in the US. She won't be here for any of the usual bridesmaids duties plus she had a family so this really was more of a symbolic role when it comes to her.

I created a group chat for me and all three of my bridesmaids ( my cousin and both of my future sister-in-laws). I showed them some dresses that I liked as bridesmaids dresses and said I was of course going to pay for them and I wanted these to be one of the gifts I give to them. i took their in put in what colour and what style they would prefer (no pink or light colours) I tried to incorporate as many wishes as I could. Both the other bridesmaids loved the dress I chose in the end as did most people I showed. My cousin said in the group chat she is worried about not fitting into the dress. I kept telling her not to worry and once we get the measurements I will make sure it fits. Again she says in the group chat she is worried about not fitting can she please wear her own dress (by this point I was wondering if she was pregnant with a third child) I again explained saying I will make sure it fits. Fiancé privately told me that his sister did mention to their dad and she found my cousin was being rather rude to me by that point.

One year on she messaged me saying with her daughter being flower girl and her son being pageboy she would prefer it might be easier if she was not a bridesmaid as the kids are so young. I said of course and I fully understood that she wants to be able to make sure the kids are comfortable. I asked her if she would like me to hire a babysitter so she and husband can enjoy the evening do without worrying about the kids etc. She was coy about giving me an answer with a lot of she will let me know closer to the time (hindsight this should have been a first clue what is to come)

So around January she calls for a long chat saying her husband is just starting a new job and might not be able to come it is just her and the kids (they knew the date for 18 months by this point). I said I was very sorry and if the trip would be too hard on her own with the kids I would of course fully understand (a lot of tears saying how she wished it could be different and a lot of me being supportive and saying I understand and I know she cares for me)

This week we talked again and I was saying how much I was looking forward to next year after I had to cancel the wedding this June. She looked kind awkward on the video call and dropped the bomb that due to this pandemic she and the kids would not come either. I assumed it was just her being worried about risks and said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family. She then said she was planning to take a kids back home (in her eyes) Asia in the summer (date of my wedding) with her husband as life is just a bit more normal there and my wedding would just not be the same without the ability to travel Europe like she wanted for her and the family. I was a bit taken aback by this point but said I understand her putting her kids needs first. We talked a bit more and talked about family and she said she felt so sorry for my dm who is caring for me gran right now and how we both (my mum and me) just need to be a little bit more selfish. I just nodded and agreed. I asked what her kids would like for christmas so I could still get it to them on time. In the end I picked a mario lego set and a electric pet unicorn for them to enjoy as well as a switch game for her and her husband to play and maybe play with the kids.

This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family) I just spend my days keeping her company and being the support she needed. When my mum asked if she took me to see any places I told her no and that I was here to look after my cousin not to go on holiday etc.

She mesaged me asking if I liked pandora. I mentioned I once had one and still have the charms but the chain broke but it's not really a issue as I wear my fitbit these days. At this point she generously messages saying she would love to give me a new pandora bracelet as a wedding gift. Now i did remember giving her a Tiffany necklace for her wedding so this did feel a bit but fiancé pointed out maybe she was sending multiple charms with it too etc that she wants to create a special bracelet of our memories etc. I nodded and agreed still wanting to see the best in her. (got the wedding gift today it is a cinderella bracelet they well and two charms. still need to thank her for them... the heart says 'family forever and always')

there is part of me that just wants to stop making an effort by this point and I already told fiancé this is the last year I am sending them anything for Christmas. It feels mean and I feel like I am punishing the kids for her behaviour but I really feel like my kindness and understanding is being taken for granted by now. I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point.

The way you talk about concentrating your efforts with the new in laws is weird too. I thought this as well.

@GlitchStitch

It sounds like you are desperate to make her fit the role you want her to, which is being as close as a sister. But she had a sister who she lost, plus she has a husband and young kids. Her close family is them not you. She has been polite and sent you a nice gift. Not sure what she has done wrong.

Sadly I think this is it. She’s still a good cousin OP- don’t throw away your relationship because you have expectations of her that go beyond that level of relationship.

She lives far away and has 3 young children- at that stage of life it can be very hard to maintain deep relationships with people other than immediate family, local friends, and neighbours/ school mums/ colleagues you see every day.

You cannot pour all of the attention and effort you would normally give to your whole NC family into one person, and expect a whole extended family's worth of effort and attention back. It's not fair.

I don't understand what she has done wrong. My cousin used to put a lot more effort into the relationship than I do, but I am obviously very grateful of this. But she is 16 years older than me. We are very close and she is more of a big sister figure. She has bought me expensive gifts and very fancy shoes for her wedding, but I haven't been able to give her anything like that and honestly I don't think she would ever accept such an expensive gift from me. Maybe your cousin views you as something similar. Nowadays my cousin and I have children of similar age as she had children later and I had children earlier so we are sort of moving away from that relationship but that is only because of children. Children change your life a lot.

@MitziK

Are you certain that she's the person making the decisions? She has a husband you appears to have decided first not to travel himself, then there's the not travelling to Europe at all/moving back for 'a more normal life'. And if she does not have 'an office job', could that mean she has less control over finances? Would her husband understand how close you had been - or even care?

I just wonder whether she's trying to hide the fact that she isn't as' free' to make decisions as you are.

I agree with MitziK - how well acquainted are you with her husband? I am wondering if he is controlling and somehow keeping her from her family and friends? Because it sounds like from the timelines in your post, OP, that she may be in a controlling relationship?

I understand your point about the Tiffany bracelet and it's point as a comparison marker re effort in your relationship with your cousin, and I get that it's not about the money - it is the thought, and I see that is what you were trying to say but it seems to have got lost in translation with some of the previous posters. I do not think you are selfish - on the contrary, in fact. I understand what you are getting at, even if PPs cannot see it and were harsh to you.

I think you simply need to take a step, or several steps, back and realise unfortunately things have changed and your cousin no longer feels the loyalty to you she once did. Either due to having kids and just plain life getting in the way, or he being a victim of a controlling relationship. Only you can sense what her relationship is like with her husband. I'd say just make it known to her that if she ever wanted to talk about anything, that you will be an honest and non-judgemental sounding board and will be there for her. So leave the lines of communication open, but completely revise down your expectations of her.

I think travelling to Asia is a lot more attractive than travelling to Europe at the moment. I think its understandable that you're disappointed, I'd take a step back. Sounds like you have more time and resources than she does. Maybe in a few years you'll be closer again, but right now she's in a completely different position to you.

And what’s wrong with Pandora? Their products cost more than I’ve ever spent on jewelry on anyone including myself. Not sure how pandora is inferior to Tiffany - and just because you got her an expensive gift doesn’t mean she needs to do the same for you. It’s not like she decided to only get you a tea towel.

I suspect OP is Asian like me, so there is a cultural element (making efforts with in laws in a specific way) that may be different to British cultural norms.

OP, you’ve done nothing wrong, concentrate on those who value you back.

I’d be upset that she wasn’t coming to the wedding if the reason is not because of the pandemic.

@SharonasCorona that is exactly what I will do. And you are right about what you said

I would be extremely hurt by her choosing not to even attend the wedding. She just sounds very selfish.

I’d back way off and focus on enjoying the wedding. I don’t think I’d make much effort with her and instead wait and see what she does.

@HannaYeah that is the plan at least I do know where stand now

OP,
Learn from it going forward.
You bent over backwards and she clearly has different priorities.
Focus on your future family and just completely step back and enjoy the casual relationship that she wants.

Far less disappointing for you.

@billy1966 fully plan on doing that. Will keep things casual from now on

I would be running very quickly from both of you. You both sound needy, controlling and spoilt.

You sound hard work!

I know you did a lot for her, that doesn't mean she has to do the same. You were single and she has her own family who she is putting first. Its a shame but thats life.

Maybe come back when you have a husband, kids and have grown up a bit lot and you will see how unreasonable you sound

I think some replies here are a bit harsh, but I think the sentiment that her priorities have changed is right.

You're still at the stage where your birth family is your family. It's your primary focus. I am very close to my family, but have to admit, that after having children my focus has become my husband and children. As much as I love my parents, phone and see them regularly, they fit around my family needs now, rather than the other way round. It's natural, it's the way I think it changes for most people (certainly all my friends).

Just remember what you're asking if her is not comparable to what you did for her wedding. At the time, you had no ties, worked from home and were able to get up and go. This just isn't the case when you have children. People in the US have far less holiday than we do. Does her DH want to use his holiday on your wedding? It's one thing to ask her to do it, but quite another for him!

And if he doesn't want to / can't come, you're asking her to up sticks with two children, travel half way across the world to help you out at your wedding. That to me sounds really stressful. Even if she just came for the wedding, that is so much harder than just packing up and taking yourself and a computer around the world. Where would she stay? Hosting one person is a hell of a lot easier than hosting three. Do her children sleep through at night? I would not have wanted to have inflicted that on someone when my children didn't sleep through.

And there's a million more things I could have pointed out. Things you won't have thought about yet, because you're not at that stage in your life. Maybe one day you will be and then you'll get it. Certainly, I didn't get it before I had kids. I think few people really do. All the "unseen" work that goes into making a family function.

So AYBU? No, but I don't think your cousin is either. You're both st different stages of life, with different priorities. Just because you see her as a sister, that doesn't mean she sees you that way. She had a sister. It doesn't mean that she loves you any less, but I don't think you can project your feelings onto her.

So take a step back, accept the level that she is prepared to invest in your relationship. If you're upset that you're giving too much, then maybe consider taking a step back too. If you have children in a few years, then I think you will see it all in a different light. Focus on your new marriage and the family your are making with your new husband.

I have to say I’d be a little upset if my cousin wasn’t making the effort to come to my wedding but was still happy to go on holiday elsewhere during the pandemic if you have a history of a close sister-like relationship. However she does need to take her husband’s opinion and her children’s needs into account - and let’s face it, going to Asia right now is a totally different prospect than coming to the UK both from a risk point of view and a “turning the trip into a holiday” point of view which I think is what you’d need to do to justify the expense really if you are spending so much money to fly so far with kids - we are in tier 4 here, literally nothing at all is open, can’t take kids to the aquarium etc or even out for a pizza. I think people maybe underestimate how the UK looks right now to the rest of the world, as the last place you’d want to go right now... So taking that into account, especially if she seemed upset about it I think I’d let it slide and believe the best of her for the sake of your relationship.

I don’t totally understand why she doesn’t send Christmas gifts for your family if you send to hers if this is an established pattern, and I might feel slightly annoyed about that, but it sounds like you mostly do gifts for the kids rather than her and you don’t have any kids yet. Perhaps she just thinks Christmas is mainly about kids, as many do and will reciprocate when you have kids but hasn’t thought to send an “adult” gift? I know you said you sent a switch game for he adults but I’d definitely see that as a gift for the kids not me! If it’s an issue for you then I’d just send token gifts for the kids from now on.

I do think you’re reading the whole not wanting to wear a particular dress/then not wanting to be a bridesmaid thing a bit wrong, like she never had any intention of attending your wedding. I’m not sure that’s true, it does sound to me like someone who is perhaps self conscious about their weight and doesn’t want to be compared in photos to young skinny bridesmaids/ worries about “ruining” your wedding photos perhaps.

Definitely also worth considering whether she might be in an abusive relationship where her self confidence is shot to pieces and her husband dictates how money gets spent and where they go on holiday etc. That could explain a lot.

The gift thing I can’t see an issue with. A pandora bracelet is a very generous gift?...And can’t see why anyone would be expecting her to have taken you out sightseeing when you went to support her after her sister died?!! My brother suddenly collapsed and died in his 30s last year and I can tell you my focus would not have been on making sure any visitors had a great holiday with me if they came to support me through it.

To me she clearly still cares a lot about your relationship (she literally just sent you a pricey gift for a wedding she isn’t even attending any more) and I honestly think you’d be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you decide you’re going to cut contact with her/stop sending gifts etc. By all means if you feel it’s unbalanced then dial down how much you put yourself out for her a bit but this doesn’t sound like someone who doesn’t give a shit about you to me at all. And I think it would be a real shame for you not to have her in your life any more.

All I’m getting is that you’re angry she has a life, and angry she’s putting her kids before you.

I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies

I think you have a very, very warped idea of normal behaviour and cut off anybody who doesn't treat you like the sun shines out of your arse.

You're going to end up very lonely if you don't readjust.

Fgs abusive husband really??
So abusive that she's still spending money to travel to Asia to see her family!

@TrySarahTops you made good points thank you for pointing them out. She has two kids I just thought is she might be pregnant because of the whole dress fitting etc.

They usually do spend 2-3 months in Asia so I assume his work is flexible and I would have provided and paid for any accommodation for family traveling

I think you are right that her life is very different to what I still have. I was able to drop it all for her as I had no kids and fiancé was able to look after the pets for the whole month that I was gone so other then of course missing him and the pets there was not much trouble doing this for her when she needed me.

I guess I failed to see that our relationship needed to evolve and still treated her the same way as I did before she had kids etc.

I will take the advice and step back

I wonder if she is wishing you'd stop butting into her life? I think you are both at different pages in life.
She has this life in America with 2 children. You have your life.

I would cool it.

You also shame the rest of your family for not dropping everything and being there for her for a month when her sister died.

It does sound like it comes from you. That you choose to come for the extra long periods rather than she asks you to.

Ease up on the gifts is no big thing but you don’t have to hold back from the relationship contact wise. You should look at of you are the one driving certain things as it does sound like you could be overbearing.

I think you are someone who loves to give, to say that you were an amazing support system and say just how much you give. That’s on you. That is your choice to give that much but you can’t expect everyone to react the same way. It’s a bit martyrish and I’m sure she gives great support in another form.

Her wedding gift sounds very thoughtful.

I'm sorry you're so upset. I can think of all sorts of reasons your cousin may have done all these things. Ultimately,I think it is unreasonable to travel to UK from USA traipsing husband and children for a wedding. I can see it would be important to you if you are short on other family to attend. She will always be family and I wouldn't cut her off. It's common for siblings not to attend overseas weddings once they are past their footloose twenties. They don't fall out over it. How often have you and your fiancé visited with your cousin,her husband and children?