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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be disappointed by my cousin exbridesmaid

246 replies

firstnamechange2020 · 21/12/2020 11:45

I am an only child so growing up so my cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister and up until i was 6 the same could be said for her. Sadly now I am once again the closest thing she still has to a sister. Us growing up close is not the problem I just thought it would be needed to keep in mind for context so that i make it clear this is a very very very close relationship we had. We even shared a room growing up for a long time.

when she got married 10 years ago I was thrilled for her. I flew all the away to asia for a full month as I was a bridesmaid. I followed all of her wishes to the point. I did not complain about my hair, my nail colour selected by her, the dress she wanted me to wear. I said yes to it all as I understood this is her day and I am here to support her.

Before the wedding I bought her a nice Tiffany's necklace as my gift as i loved her dearly and was happy to get her what I hope is a once in a life time gift. My DM was with me and I asked her if she remembered me buying this just to check I had not somehow got confused with things... it was 10 years ago after all.

3 years ago my boyfriend proposed and I of course said yes. I pretty much told my cousin right after telling my dm just because of how important she is to me. I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Now I will understand if I was wrong here but I did not make her my maid of honour. This was not because me not loving her but because she was all the way in the US. She won't be here for any of the usual bridesmaids duties plus she had a family so this really was more of a symbolic role when it comes to her.

I created a group chat for me and all three of my bridesmaids ( my cousin and both of my future sister-in-laws). I showed them some dresses that I liked as bridesmaids dresses and said I was of course going to pay for them and I wanted these to be one of the gifts I give to them. i took their in put in what colour and what style they would prefer (no pink or light colours) I tried to incorporate as many wishes as I could. Both the other bridesmaids loved the dress I chose in the end as did most people I showed. My cousin said in the group chat she is worried about not fitting into the dress. I kept telling her not to worry and once we get the measurements I will make sure it fits. Again she says in the group chat she is worried about not fitting can she please wear her own dress (by this point I was wondering if she was pregnant with a third child) I again explained saying I will make sure it fits. Fiancé privately told me that his sister did mention to their dad and she found my cousin was being rather rude to me by that point.

One year on she messaged me saying with her daughter being flower girl and her son being pageboy she would prefer it might be easier if she was not a bridesmaid as the kids are so young. I said of course and I fully understood that she wants to be able to make sure the kids are comfortable. I asked her if she would like me to hire a babysitter so she and husband can enjoy the evening do without worrying about the kids etc. She was coy about giving me an answer with a lot of she will let me know closer to the time (hindsight this should have been a first clue what is to come)

So around January she calls for a long chat saying her husband is just starting a new job and might not be able to come it is just her and the kids (they knew the date for 18 months by this point). I said I was very sorry and if the trip would be too hard on her own with the kids I would of course fully understand (a lot of tears saying how she wished it could be different and a lot of me being supportive and saying I understand and I know she cares for me)

This week we talked again and I was saying how much I was looking forward to next year after I had to cancel the wedding this June. She looked kind awkward on the video call and dropped the bomb that due to this pandemic she and the kids would not come either. I assumed it was just her being worried about risks and said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family. She then said she was planning to take a kids back home (in her eyes) Asia in the summer (date of my wedding) with her husband as life is just a bit more normal there and my wedding would just not be the same without the ability to travel Europe like she wanted for her and the family. I was a bit taken aback by this point but said I understand her putting her kids needs first. We talked a bit more and talked about family and she said she felt so sorry for my dm who is caring for me gran right now and how we both (my mum and me) just need to be a little bit more selfish. I just nodded and agreed. I asked what her kids would like for christmas so I could still get it to them on time. In the end I picked a mario lego set and a electric pet unicorn for them to enjoy as well as a switch game for her and her husband to play and maybe play with the kids.

This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family) I just spend my days keeping her company and being the support she needed. When my mum asked if she took me to see any places I told her no and that I was here to look after my cousin not to go on holiday etc.

She mesaged me asking if I liked pandora. I mentioned I once had one and still have the charms but the chain broke but it's not really a issue as I wear my fitbit these days. At this point she generously messages saying she would love to give me a new pandora bracelet as a wedding gift. Now i did remember giving her a Tiffany necklace for her wedding so this did feel a bit Hmm but fiancé pointed out maybe she was sending multiple charms with it too etc that she wants to create a special bracelet of our memories etc. I nodded and agreed still wanting to see the best in her. (got the wedding gift today it is a cinderella bracelet they well and two charms. still need to thank her for them... the heart says 'family forever and always')

there is part of me that just wants to stop making an effort by this point and I already told fiancé this is the last year I am sending them anything for Christmas. It feels mean and I feel like I am punishing the kids for her behaviour but I really feel like my kindness and understanding is being taken for granted by now. I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point.

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 21/12/2020 18:50

I can see both sides of it - you made a big effort for her, and of course you’re disappointed that she won’t be part of your day.

Any normal person would be disappointed - in real life that its. Maybe not on here, where everyone’s riddled with social anxiety, introversion, low/no-contact with family, etc, etc.

However, as many others have pointed out - it’s impossible for her to be there 100% for you, like you were for her - because her cousin (you) just isn’t 100% of a priority for her. She has children, a husband. If you genuinely think she should be prioritising your over them, then you are being a little unreasonable.

Likewise, family money will be prioritised on holidays they can all enjoy, although again - for a special person, DH and I would absolutely enable each other to attend such a wedding - no question.

I think @Conkergamenis definitely onto something with the general scaling back of OTT hen dos and weddings, for the sake of enabling everyone to properly (and genuinely) enjoy each other’s special days!

2021optimist · 21/12/2020 19:01

She hasn't done anything wrong OP, she hasn't let you down.

You like to flash your cash and keep a record of the exact amount spent but she has a young family and you are not her primary focus.

M4J4 · 21/12/2020 19:30

@2021optimist Of course she has! She’s a CF who asks OP to buy presents for friends and family and doesn’t even reimburse her! How can you defend such awful behaviour, unless you’re the same.

JokeTheCoalman · 21/12/2020 19:35

[quote firstnamechange2020]@JokeTheCoalman Also the Tiffany gift was very much appreciated as well as the very deep jewelry box that my mum gifted her with heavy joky hints to dear husband how deep it is[/quote]
Is it possible there is some misunderstanding and perhaps you should have an honest conversation to clear the air as it doesn't appear as if either of you have done anything wrong

Waveysnail · 21/12/2020 19:37

Lots change in 10 years. You obviously are not as close and she is prioritising her family. Sounds like from the beginning that she didnt want to be bridesmaid. And def a bit spoilt brat to expect a tiffany equivalent back.

CJsGoldfish · 21/12/2020 21:02

I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point

OP, you are the common denominator in all of your 'disappointing'relationships. Does that not give you pause?
It really should.

MerchantOfVenom · 21/12/2020 21:18

Oof....

And that ^^ is why I’d never start a thread on here, if I were having problems.

Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 21/12/2020 21:42

@CJsGoldfish well I am not actually really going to be overly chummy to people that kick me and my dm out in the middle of the night, don't say condolences when my father passes away, and think this can all be made alright by dangling a designer bag or pretty necklace im front of me in lieu of an actuall apology or think one cinema trip and meal out later and they are in the good books again.

OP posts:
Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 21/12/2020 21:47

@CJsGoldfish and let's not forget pinning her to the floor. I had to take two days off school at 16 as she was unable to be left alone she was so upset by the events

OP posts:
Kalula · 22/12/2020 02:39

@Rosebuddydo

My view is that when she got married you were both child free. She has two kids which makes travel and money tight especially during a pandemic. I think you are being very unreasonable. I think back to what I did for my best friends as a bridesmaid pre child and what I did and spent then, I wouldn't and couldn't do now.
@Rosebuddydo You clearly didn't RTFT, the cousin is RICH.
katy1213 · 22/12/2020 02:55

You'd think you were marrying the bridesmaid, the fuss you're making!

SD1978 · 22/12/2020 03:14

The likelihood of being able to fly to the UK na don't need to quarantine if the wedding is within the first six months is very low, especially her coming from America. Being from America I don't know if she'll be allowed into Asia without quarantining. Apart from not being able to fly to the UK due to life, and you reckoning she's not spent enough on you, there doesn't seem to be much more body to your complaint? If you feel you've been more present than her, and you're happy to lose your cousin, then do so.

Coyoacan · 22/12/2020 03:15

OP sorry if I missed the answer - are you Indian? If so MN is not the place to ask as most people are white and don't get it, much more family expectations!

Is cutting contact with one's family an Indian custom?

Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 03:25

@Coyoacan if it is in reference to me being lc with my family please read the two replies I posted. I have very good reason to be lc and the only reason it is lc not nc is so my dm does not get more grief from the family then she does

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 22/12/2020 03:26

@firstnamechange2020

Nope 100% just really had this festering for pretty much 3 years now.
Charming!
Coyoacan · 22/12/2020 03:30

@firstnamechange2020, actually I was referring the idealised concept of Indian families that JanewaysBun has.

Moreover if I have understood correctly you are not Indian.

Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 03:35

@Coyoacan no I am not Indian but my mum is asian and from a country close to japan and china etc. Culturally my family is very Japanese though not Japanese ourselves but both my grandparents are Japanese educated etc

OP posts:
Sinful8 · 22/12/2020 03:45

"This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family)"

your employer and fiancé really were just ok with you flying off to the USA for a month?

Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 03:49

@Sinful8 I have an independent income so no employer and am flexible. Fiancé of course missed me but understood thaf I was needed by a very treasures family member. I guess both of us have always been very family orientated and understood at times that means putting the needs of other family members first etc

OP posts:
Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 03:55

@Sinful8 also the plan was for 2 weeks but one week in I was asked by both cousin and husband if I could please stay a month as my cousin was still emotionally fragile and needed me there

OP posts:
CCSA · 22/12/2020 03:55

It sounds like the relationship has always been out of balance - you’ve always put an awful lot into it and perhaps she has been guilty then of not having reasonable expectations... unfortunately 10 years on life and relationships and priorities can change a lot.

Accept it for the natural ebb and flow of life, stop putting too much into the relationship and let things find a more natural balance - while you focus on future happiness building a life with your husband.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2020 04:02

Violence and nastiness besides, it does sound as though you haven't learnt that not everyone’s the same in what they can give. Your mum seems to have taught you to also act like Cinderella and are affronted when your cousin has different priorities and cannot reciprocate in the same way.

I hope what you get from this thread is that you need to find good boundaries rather than distancing from your cousin due to anger and upset. It’s more about reading the room and seeing what she is able to give.
From what you’ve described, your cousin loves you a lot but for very valid reasons has decided she cannot come to the U.K. I wouldn’t either through choice due to the increasingly worrying mutation here. No way on Earth would I put my dcs through this or risk my life to come here were I not already living here.

Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 04:06

@CCSA yes that is very much the plan now. Going to take a massive step back but other then a merry christmas, happy new year, happy new lunar year, or happy birthday message or quick phone call there will be no more effort from me.

I will also no longer help cover up if she forgot to send any gifts or messages to other relatives as she will just have to take responsibility for that themselves and if my dm/gran/aunt/uncle call her a ungrateful child/girl for that it'll be her issue to deal with not me nore will I make any more excuses for her say '...don't be too harsh on cousin I am sure she cares and the gift/message is still being send...' etc that's all on her now

OP posts:
Original poster
firstnamechange2020 · 22/12/2020 04:15

@Mummyoflittledragon I think part of me will always cherish her but like you said it's about boundaries. I will be a lot more casual now and maybe be more of a reflection of the effort she puts in. I have no doubt come next year my priorities will change anyway so I will have the same amout of time to put in the effort that she does Smile

OP posts:
Whyamiwastingtime · 22/12/2020 04:29

I was going to ask is she planning on travelling to Japan? It is very much life as normal here with a bit of mask wearing but no where near what is happening in the UK. I so want to go back to the uk next year for a visit but am uncertain if it would even be possible with kids.