to be disappointed by my cousin exbridesmaid

[firstnamechange2020]

I am an only child so growing up so my cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister and up until i was 6 the same could be said for her. Sadly now I am once again the closest thing she still has to a sister. Us growing up close is not the problem I just thought it would be needed to keep in mind for context so that i make it clear this is a very very very close relationship we had. We even shared a room growing up for a long time.

when she got married 10 years ago I was thrilled for her. I flew all the away to asia for a full month as I was a bridesmaid. I followed all of her wishes to the point. I did not complain about my hair, my nail colour selected by her, the dress she wanted me to wear. I said yes to it all as I understood this is her day and I am here to support her.

Before the wedding I bought her a nice Tiffany's necklace as my gift as i loved her dearly and was happy to get her what I hope is a once in a life time gift. My DM was with me and I asked her if she remembered me buying this just to check I had not somehow got confused with things... it was 10 years ago after all.

3 years ago my boyfriend proposed and I of course said yes. I pretty much told my cousin right after telling my dm just because of how important she is to me. I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Now I will understand if I was wrong here but I did not make her my maid of honour. This was not because me not loving her but because she was all the way in the US. She won't be here for any of the usual bridesmaids duties plus she had a family so this really was more of a symbolic role when it comes to her.

I created a group chat for me and all three of my bridesmaids ( my cousin and both of my future sister-in-laws). I showed them some dresses that I liked as bridesmaids dresses and said I was of course going to pay for them and I wanted these to be one of the gifts I give to them. i took their in put in what colour and what style they would prefer (no pink or light colours) I tried to incorporate as many wishes as I could. Both the other bridesmaids loved the dress I chose in the end as did most people I showed. My cousin said in the group chat she is worried about not fitting into the dress. I kept telling her not to worry and once we get the measurements I will make sure it fits. Again she says in the group chat she is worried about not fitting can she please wear her own dress (by this point I was wondering if she was pregnant with a third child) I again explained saying I will make sure it fits. Fiancé privately told me that his sister did mention to their dad and she found my cousin was being rather rude to me by that point.

One year on she messaged me saying with her daughter being flower girl and her son being pageboy she would prefer it might be easier if she was not a bridesmaid as the kids are so young. I said of course and I fully understood that she wants to be able to make sure the kids are comfortable. I asked her if she would like me to hire a babysitter so she and husband can enjoy the evening do without worrying about the kids etc. She was coy about giving me an answer with a lot of she will let me know closer to the time (hindsight this should have been a first clue what is to come)

So around January she calls for a long chat saying her husband is just starting a new job and might not be able to come it is just her and the kids (they knew the date for 18 months by this point). I said I was very sorry and if the trip would be too hard on her own with the kids I would of course fully understand (a lot of tears saying how she wished it could be different and a lot of me being supportive and saying I understand and I know she cares for me)

This week we talked again and I was saying how much I was looking forward to next year after I had to cancel the wedding this June. She looked kind awkward on the video call and dropped the bomb that due to this pandemic she and the kids would not come either. I assumed it was just her being worried about risks and said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family. She then said she was planning to take a kids back home (in her eyes) Asia in the summer (date of my wedding) with her husband as life is just a bit more normal there and my wedding would just not be the same without the ability to travel Europe like she wanted for her and the family. I was a bit taken aback by this point but said I understand her putting her kids needs first. We talked a bit more and talked about family and she said she felt so sorry for my dm who is caring for me gran right now and how we both (my mum and me) just need to be a little bit more selfish. I just nodded and agreed. I asked what her kids would like for christmas so I could still get it to them on time. In the end I picked a mario lego set and a electric pet unicorn for them to enjoy as well as a switch game for her and her husband to play and maybe play with the kids.

This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family) I just spend my days keeping her company and being the support she needed. When my mum asked if she took me to see any places I told her no and that I was here to look after my cousin not to go on holiday etc.

She mesaged me asking if I liked pandora. I mentioned I once had one and still have the charms but the chain broke but it's not really a issue as I wear my fitbit these days. At this point she generously messages saying she would love to give me a new pandora bracelet as a wedding gift. Now i did remember giving her a Tiffany necklace for her wedding so this did feel a bit but fiancé pointed out maybe she was sending multiple charms with it too etc that she wants to create a special bracelet of our memories etc. I nodded and agreed still wanting to see the best in her. (got the wedding gift today it is a cinderella bracelet they well and two charms. still need to thank her for them... the heart says 'family forever and always')

there is part of me that just wants to stop making an effort by this point and I already told fiancé this is the last year I am sending them anything for Christmas. It feels mean and I feel like I am punishing the kids for her behaviour but I really feel like my kindness and understanding is being taken for granted by now. I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point.

@Whyamiwastingtime not Japan but a small island very close to it and similar rules

I moved to another continent in my late 20s, just after I got married. My husband and I now have children and a busy home full of animals (we're doing a homestead type thing).

I do my best to stay in contact with people from back home and I will always respond to messages and will always make time for Skype calls. But my life is here now. I don't have the time or the money to go back home and see people. And really, what with the pandemic, I'm not sure I'd do it even if I did have the time and money. My husband, my children, my job, my strong relationships and social life, and other commitments that I have, are all here.

I still care about my friends over there but I have moved on, and so have they. We are now in a digital sort of relationship, rather than a day to day one. I suspect this is how your cousin feels about you.

@ StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads i totally get that but other then short quick merry christmas, happy new year, happy new lunar year, or happy birthday message or quick phone call there will be no more effort from me unless she starts to and same with gifts

Also taking a masive step back with the help. Yes she has kids but there is no reason she can't mark on her phone when a persons event is and by which point she needs to order a gift. If her forgetfulness or businesses causes her to forget that and means she gets stress from the family that is on her and not me etc I will just in future say I don't know why she has not called or send a gift and tell family to ask her not me

When their time comes a few years later, the first group have had kids and all of a sudden “weddings are just a party”, any bride who cares about their wedding is a “bridezilla” and hen dos are pointless/ tacky. Children are now the only important thing.

I think this just about sums up the attitude of many of the women on here to be honest. In the real world weddings are important to friends and families and enjoyed by guest not viewed as a rude imposition.

I've definitely met a lot of women who, once they have kids, only have time for kids things and mummy friends and dump their previous childfree friends. In my old social group these are the women who are now lost and lonely with teenagers who have their own lives and a husband with his career and hobbies.

@firstnamechange2020 I think it's a bit strange she already knows she won't come to your wedding, which is presumably next year ? Is that correct ?

@londongirl20 yes because if she can travel she is going to Asia for the summer so she is not going to even try or find a way to come as she is going elsewhere

@firstnamechange2020 so wait your wedding is in 2021 or 2022?

@londongirl20 2021 we let people but we had already let people know the new date since this spring and they had been given the notice of the former 2020 date back in early 2018 already

@firstnamechange2020 yeah I think it's not very nice to already tell you now that she's definitely NOT coming. If this was someone who was very very important to me, I wouldn't make any plans whatsoever yet for anything this summer. I would sag that we will be watching the events as they unfold and if it's at all possible, I will be there for your wedding. We have two cousins wedding this year and we are just watching and seeing if we will be able to go. I really don't think you're being unreasonable to be upset, the pandora bracelet thing is not amazing and that's what a lot of posters have jumped on and I would agree you can't expect something from Tiffany, but someone who's basically like a sister should make all effort to get to your wedding or at least not cancel more than 6 months before. I just think making any plans in this climate is a bit silly. All options should be kept open, your wedding coming first!

@londongirl20 I think I get it's not about the bracelet etc it was her attitude through the whole thing that by that point in the end made me feel that I am ranked even lower then a meal out and a holiday

@firstnamechange2020 I totally get it. If you guys are basically like sisters, this isn't very nice at all. I'm not very close to my cousins and wouldn't dream of saying I'm not coming. It's too early to make the call and I certainly would not put a holiday above attending the weddings. I've known about them for ages and they all came to my wedding. They've also had to move their weddings which has been upsetting, so there's no way I would already say to them now that I'm not coming. Even though I'm super anxious about covid, I have a baby and I'm clinically vulnerable. I just wouldn't do it. They were there FOR ME. I will never forget about the people that turned up for me. It meant the world to me.

@londongirl20 I was totally 'I understand you not coming with the kids' until she mentioned she was planning on going to Asia if they can travel which made me realize that she was not canceling because her worry over the pandemic but because she can't go swanning around Europe with husband and kids like she had originally planned so it's a case of oh cousin's wedding is in june I wanted to go but not now if it means I can't go to italy and spain and spend time relaxing at aunty's in germany (my mum frequently hosted for the entire family growing up and this was seldomly returned by aunt and never by cousin).

OP, I asked if maybe her husband is controlling, others hinted at it too, but you haven't answered any of us. It may be a long shot but I am wondering if he is the one who is controlling if she sees you or not and what she spends. Many times friends/family have no idea until much later on that their friend/relative was being controlled by their spouse. It's not uncommon.

Sorry that you are feeling not reciprocated here. She may have not specifically say she is not coming to your wedding because of covid, but I think that is what is behind the words: life is easier in Asia at the moment.
It is very difficult for children to stay indoors. They need activities and fresh air.
It is unfortunate that your wedding is happening on a pandemic. If it was not so, it looks to me like she would come indeed.
And there is still time. Nobody knows what is happening from one day to next.
Do not be upset for her stepping off the bridesmaid list. Looking after two little ones can be a struggle. And if her husband was not coming, she will be worried they will not settle with someone else? They have stages where they get really really clingey.
Congratulations on your wedding. Just enjoy your vows to your husband and have a great day.

@Kalula there does not seem to be any indication of this... and certainly though he has the job the lifestyle they have is financed largely thanks to cousin or rather what she was left by my aunt etc.

I guess it is possible he might pulling the strings in the back and it certainly was the case with her first husband (she had a small civil ceremony and it was more so he could stay in the US as they were very young). From what I have seen though her current husband seems a dutiful husband and loving father who cares for her and my mum frequently mentions how good he is looking out not only for the kids but also cousin etc.

@MushMonster the kids do have a very big garden to play in but I can see your point. She does have a talent to make her own life as easy as possible and it is kind of a running joke with the older family that princess cousin would not boil an egg unless she had to

@MushMonster also thank you for the congratulations

OP I could have written this about my best friend of thirsty years who is like a sister to me also down to the point of distancing from family members due to their behaviour.

It made me worried I was closing myself off from people.

However, take a step back. Let things play out naturally. I’ve been stumped at my best friends lack of interest in some major happenings in my right right how and feel cross about it some times. Some people really don’t invest the same energy back.

Look forward to the wedding

@Thegrinchshorriblesister I am sorry to hear you had a friend like this. Yes I will just let the chips land where they fall from now on and keep things as casual as she does.

I still have her! She’s being really flakey at the moment. I feel like she doesn’t want to support me on my issues as we normally discuss her long term issues.

However - a thirty year friendship is to long to throw away over night. So I’m just taking a step back for now - although it has kind of made me feel a bit differently about her.

Don’t stress out about your cousin. Just focus on having an amazing day! ( a much needed one!)

@Thegrinchshorriblesister I do fully understand and I think I have the same problem with cousin. I don't think I could cut her out totally but will take a massive step back

There is a long history and when she is in your company she is one of those people who's words and demeanor is sweet as honey so it would be hard to be unpleasant with her etc. I will keep things casual though