to be disappointed by my cousin exbridesmaid

[firstnamechange2020]

I am an only child so growing up so my cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister and up until i was 6 the same could be said for her. Sadly now I am once again the closest thing she still has to a sister. Us growing up close is not the problem I just thought it would be needed to keep in mind for context so that i make it clear this is a very very very close relationship we had. We even shared a room growing up for a long time.

when she got married 10 years ago I was thrilled for her. I flew all the away to asia for a full month as I was a bridesmaid. I followed all of her wishes to the point. I did not complain about my hair, my nail colour selected by her, the dress she wanted me to wear. I said yes to it all as I understood this is her day and I am here to support her.

Before the wedding I bought her a nice Tiffany's necklace as my gift as i loved her dearly and was happy to get her what I hope is a once in a life time gift. My DM was with me and I asked her if she remembered me buying this just to check I had not somehow got confused with things... it was 10 years ago after all.

3 years ago my boyfriend proposed and I of course said yes. I pretty much told my cousin right after telling my dm just because of how important she is to me. I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Now I will understand if I was wrong here but I did not make her my maid of honour. This was not because me not loving her but because she was all the way in the US. She won't be here for any of the usual bridesmaids duties plus she had a family so this really was more of a symbolic role when it comes to her.

I created a group chat for me and all three of my bridesmaids ( my cousin and both of my future sister-in-laws). I showed them some dresses that I liked as bridesmaids dresses and said I was of course going to pay for them and I wanted these to be one of the gifts I give to them. i took their in put in what colour and what style they would prefer (no pink or light colours) I tried to incorporate as many wishes as I could. Both the other bridesmaids loved the dress I chose in the end as did most people I showed. My cousin said in the group chat she is worried about not fitting into the dress. I kept telling her not to worry and once we get the measurements I will make sure it fits. Again she says in the group chat she is worried about not fitting can she please wear her own dress (by this point I was wondering if she was pregnant with a third child) I again explained saying I will make sure it fits. Fiancé privately told me that his sister did mention to their dad and she found my cousin was being rather rude to me by that point.

One year on she messaged me saying with her daughter being flower girl and her son being pageboy she would prefer it might be easier if she was not a bridesmaid as the kids are so young. I said of course and I fully understood that she wants to be able to make sure the kids are comfortable. I asked her if she would like me to hire a babysitter so she and husband can enjoy the evening do without worrying about the kids etc. She was coy about giving me an answer with a lot of she will let me know closer to the time (hindsight this should have been a first clue what is to come)

So around January she calls for a long chat saying her husband is just starting a new job and might not be able to come it is just her and the kids (they knew the date for 18 months by this point). I said I was very sorry and if the trip would be too hard on her own with the kids I would of course fully understand (a lot of tears saying how she wished it could be different and a lot of me being supportive and saying I understand and I know she cares for me)

This week we talked again and I was saying how much I was looking forward to next year after I had to cancel the wedding this June. She looked kind awkward on the video call and dropped the bomb that due to this pandemic she and the kids would not come either. I assumed it was just her being worried about risks and said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family. She then said she was planning to take a kids back home (in her eyes) Asia in the summer (date of my wedding) with her husband as life is just a bit more normal there and my wedding would just not be the same without the ability to travel Europe like she wanted for her and the family. I was a bit taken aback by this point but said I understand her putting her kids needs first. We talked a bit more and talked about family and she said she felt so sorry for my dm who is caring for me gran right now and how we both (my mum and me) just need to be a little bit more selfish. I just nodded and agreed. I asked what her kids would like for christmas so I could still get it to them on time. In the end I picked a mario lego set and a electric pet unicorn for them to enjoy as well as a switch game for her and her husband to play and maybe play with the kids.

This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family) I just spend my days keeping her company and being the support she needed. When my mum asked if she took me to see any places I told her no and that I was here to look after my cousin not to go on holiday etc.

She mesaged me asking if I liked pandora. I mentioned I once had one and still have the charms but the chain broke but it's not really a issue as I wear my fitbit these days. At this point she generously messages saying she would love to give me a new pandora bracelet as a wedding gift. Now i did remember giving her a Tiffany necklace for her wedding so this did feel a bit but fiancé pointed out maybe she was sending multiple charms with it too etc that she wants to create a special bracelet of our memories etc. I nodded and agreed still wanting to see the best in her. (got the wedding gift today it is a cinderella bracelet they well and two charms. still need to thank her for them... the heart says 'family forever and always')

there is part of me that just wants to stop making an effort by this point and I already told fiancé this is the last year I am sending them anything for Christmas. It feels mean and I feel like I am punishing the kids for her behaviour but I really feel like my kindness and understanding is being taken for granted by now. I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point.

Really don't understand...you're upset because she didn't buy you something more expensive than a pandora bracelet??? Also, it's not easy or cheap to travel with children!

You sound like a bit much. You're literally vilifying her for not revolving around you! Maybe she's trying to distance herself from you because she's fed up with your ridiculous expectations?

YABU. You don’t give to receive - it doesn’t matter if she can afford Tiffany’s, nor does it matter that that’s what you got her.

She hasn’t done anything wrong here.

If you don't want to make an effort any more then don't.

Your fiance thinks that she might also be sending charms-you sound very well suired.

Anyone else who wouldn't want Tiffany or Pandora??

I think you need to accept that things with your cousin have moved on in 10years. She lives in a different country, she has children, she has built her own family and personal life. She probably remembers your childhood with fondness, but her life now has different priorities. I think she has been trying to gently extricate herself from your wedding plans for a couple of years now, offering you valid reasons not to get caught up in your plans, but you are not picking up on her signals.

For your own sake and hers you need to accept that she doesn’t feel the same way about your wedding, and her part in it, as you do. Stop trying to force her into a role she isn’t interested in fulfilling, by all means invite her and her family to join you as much loved family guests, but realise that they might decline for a number of reasons. Everybody is scaling down these days, especially on weddings. You have two lovely friends who are happy to support you on your wedding day , don’t make them feel second best by hankering after something that isn’t going to happen.

She is visiting her family in Asia. Travelling to Asia is far cheaper than travelling to Europe. You say she classes Asia as home. Perhaps after an awful 2020 she feels the need to be at home for a while.

She let you down gently about being a bridesmaid. Maybe as she is older and a mother she felt uncomfortable and out of place being one to start with but didn't want to upset you and on the basis of your post she clearly is well aware that you take umbrage at the slightest things

Haven't read most of the replies but I understand where you are coming from. Just take a step back and try and lower your expectations.

She is not coming to your wedding as you are not a priority - not because her kids are a priority.

It's a shame but it happens

Wrt gift - I think you are being unreasonable. You don't have to give an equal gift

OP take a deep breath. Nothing she’s done suggests she doesn’t love you. She’s got tiny kids. Travelling long distance with them on her own, having them play a performative role in a wedding - that sounds so mega stressful to me that I don’t think I could have done that even for my sister pre 2020, but we are now in the middle of a deadly global pandemic and on top of that people are worried about businesses, jobs, money.

It sounds like your cousin cares about you. For now, she has to put her family and children first. Anything else would not be good.

She has three kids, you really have no idea about her day-to-say financial situation. My SIL (in another country) took the kids to Disneyland rather than attend my wedding, I was a bit at the times but in the long run it is really unimportant to our civil and happy relationship, and considering the expense and stress of attending a wedding abroad with small children I completely understand why she did it. The Tiffany vs Pandora thing is not a reflection on how your cousin feels about you, it's a reflection on how much money your cousin feels like wasting on a gift when she has a large family of her own, also Pandora is still a very expensive gift!

@viques she won't make it even as a guest but I fully get what you mean. I will no longer give her the effort based on the past and instead focus on the people and my soon to be family I have in my life now

you are a real life BRIDEZILLA

Are you certain that she's the person making the decisions? She has a husband you appears to have decided first not to travel himself, then there's the not travelling to Europe at all/moving back for 'a more normal life'. And if she does not have 'an office job', could that mean she has less control over finances? Would her husband understand how close you had been - or even care?

I just wonder whether she's trying to hide the fact that she isn't as' free' to make decisions as you are.

Your self righteous attitude will kill the relationship. If that’s what you want go right ahead. Nothing you’ve said suggests she deserves that though.

You have the perfect excuse to stop being so giving, as you now have a husband.
Your own family does change how you interact with people as you have to consider another person in your plans.
Since she never gifts to you, then just send a card and maybe a few sweets next year, send it early beginning of Dec and see what she says.
Also just send cards for Birthdays.
You will see not having to put in that much effort improves your life.
Oh and tell him indoors that he does his family Birthdays and Christmas, and just do your side.

I've been married twice & my sibling didn't make it to either.

This was only UK/Europe as well.

It wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as you have made it all out to be & tbh it wasn't a reason to step back from the relationship.

It's just life!

I have to say you need to get a massive grip here. Your point of reference is 10 years ago. In that time she has 2 very small children and a husband. There is no way I would be spending that much money to travel to a wedding during a pandemic. She has given you valid reasons to want to avoid travelling to you. I think comparing to what you did 10 years ago and having that level of expectation is just unreasonable.

@mummmy2017 I will take your advice. I am lucky my future in-laws have always treated me as family so will put my efforts there

@Candyfloss99

you are a real life BRIDEZILLA

Don’t be ridiculous. OP has bent over backwards for her bridesmaids.

[quote firstnamechange2020]@viques she won't make it even as a guest but I fully get what you mean. I will no longer give her the effort based on the past and instead focus on the people and my soon to be family I have in my life now[/quote]
Write her a letter, or better still phone or FaceTime, give her the chance to be honest about not wanting to be part of the wedding as a bridesmaid. Tell her you understand that she probably won’t be able to attend even as a guest but that you are going to send her an invitation anyway because you love her , she is important to you, and you want her to know that in your heart she will be part of your celebration even if she isn’t there in person.

Pre children, I had money and time to attend anything. Everything changed after children, they become your main priority and do change your life. Your cousins life has changed. Of course she doesnt want to bring her children into the UK during this pandemic, who would?! I actually think you're being a little silly about the gift. A Cinderella pandora bracelet with charms, is an expensive and thoughtful gift. I wouldnt expect to receive the same back, she wants to be original. I agree that you could take a step back from this long distanced friendship, by ending xmas presents from next year.

@viques invites have been send long ago which is why she said she can't make it

It sounds like you are desperate to make her fit the role you want her to, which is being as close as a sister. But she had a sister who she lost, plus she has a husband and young kids. Her close family is them not you. She has been polite and sent you a nice gift. Not sure what she has done wrong.

I think you just don't have boundaries when it comes to bending over backwards with people. You must realise its not the norm to drop everything and take a month off to go provide comfort to someone ?? Or another month for someone else's wedding? You sound very extreme with the way you 'give' yourself- that isn't the norm.
You say that this has always been one sided - so ask yourself why do you do it. And also ask yourself if its not reciprocated at all then maybe she doesn't see you as close.
OR that she has an entire family who are her priority.

OP - I dont want to be mean...but literally that's what siblings relationships are like. You talk about her like your sister - trust me this is normal sister behavaiour. I mean actually she sounds a lot more thoughtful that a lot of siblings. Not for everyone - but for me, my close friends etc....we (including our siblings) put much more effort into our friendships than relations with siblings. Again this is not true for all, but for quite a few people i know. yoyu may have an idealise image of a sibling relationship - if you want to knwo what it's like, you sort of got it

The way you talk about concentrating your efforts with the new in laws is weird too. Relationships evolve. It seems like you want to mould them to what you expect them to be.

You are really hard work, I’m embarrassed for you reading that.

You simply can’t bitch about Pandora vs Tiffany, then claim it’s not about the money 🙄