to be disappointed by my cousin exbridesmaid

[firstnamechange2020]

I am an only child so growing up so my cousin was the closest thing I had to a sister and up until i was 6 the same could be said for her. Sadly now I am once again the closest thing she still has to a sister. Us growing up close is not the problem I just thought it would be needed to keep in mind for context so that i make it clear this is a very very very close relationship we had. We even shared a room growing up for a long time.

when she got married 10 years ago I was thrilled for her. I flew all the away to asia for a full month as I was a bridesmaid. I followed all of her wishes to the point. I did not complain about my hair, my nail colour selected by her, the dress she wanted me to wear. I said yes to it all as I understood this is her day and I am here to support her.

Before the wedding I bought her a nice Tiffany's necklace as my gift as i loved her dearly and was happy to get her what I hope is a once in a life time gift. My DM was with me and I asked her if she remembered me buying this just to check I had not somehow got confused with things... it was 10 years ago after all.

3 years ago my boyfriend proposed and I of course said yes. I pretty much told my cousin right after telling my dm just because of how important she is to me. I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Now I will understand if I was wrong here but I did not make her my maid of honour. This was not because me not loving her but because she was all the way in the US. She won't be here for any of the usual bridesmaids duties plus she had a family so this really was more of a symbolic role when it comes to her.

I created a group chat for me and all three of my bridesmaids ( my cousin and both of my future sister-in-laws). I showed them some dresses that I liked as bridesmaids dresses and said I was of course going to pay for them and I wanted these to be one of the gifts I give to them. i took their in put in what colour and what style they would prefer (no pink or light colours) I tried to incorporate as many wishes as I could. Both the other bridesmaids loved the dress I chose in the end as did most people I showed. My cousin said in the group chat she is worried about not fitting into the dress. I kept telling her not to worry and once we get the measurements I will make sure it fits. Again she says in the group chat she is worried about not fitting can she please wear her own dress (by this point I was wondering if she was pregnant with a third child) I again explained saying I will make sure it fits. Fiancé privately told me that his sister did mention to their dad and she found my cousin was being rather rude to me by that point.

One year on she messaged me saying with her daughter being flower girl and her son being pageboy she would prefer it might be easier if she was not a bridesmaid as the kids are so young. I said of course and I fully understood that she wants to be able to make sure the kids are comfortable. I asked her if she would like me to hire a babysitter so she and husband can enjoy the evening do without worrying about the kids etc. She was coy about giving me an answer with a lot of she will let me know closer to the time (hindsight this should have been a first clue what is to come)

So around January she calls for a long chat saying her husband is just starting a new job and might not be able to come it is just her and the kids (they knew the date for 18 months by this point). I said I was very sorry and if the trip would be too hard on her own with the kids I would of course fully understand (a lot of tears saying how she wished it could be different and a lot of me being supportive and saying I understand and I know she cares for me)

This week we talked again and I was saying how much I was looking forward to next year after I had to cancel the wedding this June. She looked kind awkward on the video call and dropped the bomb that due to this pandemic she and the kids would not come either. I assumed it was just her being worried about risks and said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family. She then said she was planning to take a kids back home (in her eyes) Asia in the summer (date of my wedding) with her husband as life is just a bit more normal there and my wedding would just not be the same without the ability to travel Europe like she wanted for her and the family. I was a bit taken aback by this point but said I understand her putting her kids needs first. We talked a bit more and talked about family and she said she felt so sorry for my dm who is caring for me gran right now and how we both (my mum and me) just need to be a little bit more selfish. I just nodded and agreed. I asked what her kids would like for christmas so I could still get it to them on time. In the end I picked a mario lego set and a electric pet unicorn for them to enjoy as well as a switch game for her and her husband to play and maybe play with the kids.

This is the same cousin where I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two... (yeah i was the only one to drop everything for a month out of friends and family) I just spend my days keeping her company and being the support she needed. When my mum asked if she took me to see any places I told her no and that I was here to look after my cousin not to go on holiday etc.

She mesaged me asking if I liked pandora. I mentioned I once had one and still have the charms but the chain broke but it's not really a issue as I wear my fitbit these days. At this point she generously messages saying she would love to give me a new pandora bracelet as a wedding gift. Now i did remember giving her a Tiffany necklace for her wedding so this did feel a bit but fiancé pointed out maybe she was sending multiple charms with it too etc that she wants to create a special bracelet of our memories etc. I nodded and agreed still wanting to see the best in her. (got the wedding gift today it is a cinderella bracelet they well and two charms. still need to thank her for them... the heart says 'family forever and always')

there is part of me that just wants to stop making an effort by this point and I already told fiancé this is the last year I am sending them anything for Christmas. It feels mean and I feel like I am punishing the kids for her behaviour but I really feel like my kindness and understanding is being taken for granted by now. I really was desperate to remain close as I really have distanced myself from the rest of my family due to their selfish tendencies but I really am not sure how to feel about my cousin by this point.

You have done yourself no favours mentioning the gift.

Sent too soon...

Being the only one making an effort is wearing after a while. All I got was excuses about how busy she was with the kids and I didn't understand (I was busy with a full on job as a doctor, further training and dealing with the fall out from an abusive relationship but didn't get any leeway for that). She expected gifts and presents for her kids - I didn't even get a cars let alone a thanks. I was expected to drop everything when she needed help (happened often). Eventually just thought nah. Fuck her.

@SecretSpAD yep your experience, my experience and OP’s sound quite similar

@SecretSpAD I am so sorry to hear you having had a similar type of cousin. All I can think of at least I know to keep things very casual from now on

@SecretSpAD sounds like good riddance. I don't get people who just expect to receive presents (for them or their kids) and give nothing back.

@ItsDinah

I'm sorry you're so upset. I can think of all sorts of reasons your cousin may have done all these things. Ultimately,I think it is unreasonable to travel to UK from USA traipsing husband and children for a wedding. I can see it would be important to you if you are short on other family to attend. She will always be family and I wouldn't cut her off. It's common for siblings not to attend overseas weddings once they are past their footloose twenties. They don't fall out over it. How often have you and your fiancé visited with your cousin,her husband and children?

I agree with ItsDinah, and its also sad for you that you are so upset. Its clear you feel that she has let you down, but looking at it rationally, she lives in a different country, now has two children and its a pandemic. I think that you have invested more in this relationship and are hurt that its not reciprocated but it is what it is and now you have to move on and focus on your new life with your husband to be. This is a happy time and also until you have an open frank communication with your cousin you are not going to get past this. You offer a lot to people, anticipate their needs and want to be indispensable to them. Not everyone does this and the people you offer it to are not mind readers, they don't spend a lot of time thinking about how to please you in such detail and so you feel let down. You have to stop doing this. Ask for what you want. Tell them how you feel but you also have to recognise that priorities change. Its not so much that you need to take a step back from your cousin, but to stop constantly offering and trying to please her and going over and above. I think communication is a BIG problem here. When she comes up with excuses for things, and you think Oh She doesn't really want to do this, instead of asking her straight out if she has a problem and why she doesn't want to do it, you immediately try to bend the arrangements to try to suit her. This makes it more difficult for you both to be honest with each other. At the same time it sounds a little bit like you resent it or expect more from her, but perhaps this is the reason why she is making excuses and not telling you outright what she wants. Perhaps you make her feel like she owes you and she senses that you are easily offended. I am not condoning her behaviour by the way. I am just trying to see it from the outside. Another example. I said right away to not be silly I fully understand she needs to do what is best for her and her family so effectively you've told her to do what she wants and not to worry about what you want. You fall over yourself to try to accommodate her in a way that doesn't really suit you and then you resent it when she takes you at your word. Can you see the mixed messaging here? You would have less problems with her if you were more open and up front about what you want, if you told her what you were feeling. "I am a bit disappointed because I spent a lot of time trying to get this right and I feel like you are not very enthusiastic, please tell me what it is you don't like? Is there something else that's bothering you?" Then you might get an honest answer from her. Also, you stepped in and helped her when she needed you, but it sounds like you gave up months of your own time to do that. This was a lovely thing to do, but its in the past, you were both single and a bit freer, both your situations have changed and this isn't a death - its a wedding. So is it reasonable to feel like she's not repaying a debt?

I worry that unless you rethink this you are going to feel cheated and miserable about this right up to your wedding day and beyond.

You are letting someone else's actions control how you feel about the run up to a very happy occasion. Because you feel they are not giving you what you feel you are owed. You don't have to do that. Its your choice. You could to accept her excuse, cross off the "debt", shrug it off and enjoy planning your wedding and being with your DH.. because what is the point of letting this make you miserable? It doesn't change the situation.
Also, you said you'd cut people out of your life and there were fewer people around. I don't know your reasons and sometimes its the only thing you can do.
But you are building a new life now, so you have a lot to look forward to and be happy about. I hope you can let it all go and accept the happyness that awaits you.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I can see your point about the communication and mixed messages etc. I think a big problem is I am so anti confrontation that I would struggle voicing my disappointment because of fear of upsetting her etc. I would not let her know about my feelings I posted on here as I emotionally am unable to do so.

I dropped everything here in the UK to look after her in the US after her sister passed away and I stayed with her for a full month till one of my other cousins would take over and stay a week or two...

Did she ask you to come for a month (or at all)? Was she already married with kids at this point?

I’d be upset that she wasn’t coming to the wedding if the reason is not because of the pandemic.

Outside of Mumsnet most people would feel like this. Only on here are weddings not important.

@Xiaoxiong I booked for two weeks. Her husband and her asked if I could stay longer so he can go back to university (he was doing his masters). She was married but not kids just a lovely cat

I haven’t RTFT, so apologies but did you expect her, her husband and kids to come to you for a month?

I think she's at a different stage in life. When you have kids you have less time and travelling overseas is more of a hassle. If you had been married with kids I'm not sure you would have gone over to spend a month with her. It just wouldn't be practical. I get that the fact that she's planning an overseas trip seems annoying as you're wondering why she can't come to you, but if it's the first break she's having in a while they probably have certain ideas of what kind of break they want to have.

I also have to agree with others that your comment on the Pandora jewellery doesn't make you look good. There's not more thought put into a Tiffany item, only money. Also, for some of us Pandora is the fanciest jewellery we have.

@Noshowlomo of course not. As long as she made it to the wedding I would have not minded how long she was here. It's her that wants to travel Europe for a month like the family used to and my mum has to host and organize

@BethlehemIsInTier1 amazing contribution. Not.

@MimiDaisy11 as I mentioned I see it is not about the gift now. I also want to point out this a I woman with no job and has a full time nanny so not exactly a woman in a desperate need for a break for her and husband

Wow there's a lot to unpack here. Firstly OP please put the gift thing aside; to compare what you got her 10 years ago as her maid of honour with the (still lovely) gift she's suggested for you is just rude and makes you sound materialistic.

As for them travelling to Asia but not to the wedding I'm sorry but the world is different now. One of my closest friends is due to get married in Europe next summer, assuming travel allows it. In any other circumstance I would be there, but if it coincides with the first opportunity we have to travel it would be very difficult for my DP and I to use that time off work and money to attend a wedding in Italy, when we haven't been able to see our own families in their home countries for well over a year. It doesn't sound like she's just picked a random destination to visit instead of the wedding, but that she's going home and she is fully entitled to do so.

For a last point, it appears you've been talking about this wedding for 3 years. Depending on the frequency of your messages about it even the very closest friend or family member is going to tire of that at some point. Perhaps you need to have a look at how much time you spend talking about it (as opposed to being interested in her life) and step it back a bit if necessary?

@firstnamechange2020 i can see your point on the visiting situation. First her husband cant get the time off, but now he can (to go to asia). Also she would prefer to go to Asia as she cant go round europe. Your wedding is the focal point, not a holiday.

The bracelet I cant understand. You see her as having money but you dont actually know what goes on behind closed doors. Perhaps there is financial trouble or perhaps her DH has issues with the amount she spends. She has chosen something sentimental and thoughtful, even if it isnt the amount you spent. Just because its Tiffany doesnt mean its beautiful. Perhaps she prefers Pandora and thinks you may as well. Or the fact you owned a Pandora means you like them to her.

However clearly you value the relationship more than she does. If its hurting you, which it clearly is, then I suggest you take her lead and treat her like she treats you. No christmas gifts and no going out of your way for her.

*card not cars. I wouldn't expect anyone to but me a car!

@DuzzyFuck only time I talked about it was to pick the shoes and dress other then that unless asked or the wedding planner no wedding from me

II understand how you feel. I have a very similar situation in my life, also with my cousin. Its hard when we get older and relationships change. You sound like you were wonderful to her and the relationship was very special to you. I'm sure it is special to her too - she just shows it differently than you would like (lovely charm). Things will turn around again and soon you will be treading water with your family and it will all make sense.

I've just your post about your mother being Cinderella. I wondered why your cousin picked the Pandora Cinderella bracelet with the Family forever charm. Your cousin also told you that you needed to think about yourself more. I now understand the significance of the Pandora bracelet gift and think it very touching. You are about to wear the beautiful gown and dance with your prince.

I don't even really know what to say.
First off, what you were able to for her 10 years ago isn't really relevant. Things change in ten years, she may not financially be able to gift you in the way you gifted her. You've said she's going to Asia, a place that she considers home, instead of going to your wedding. A place that she feels is safer for her children right now...good for her. You've obviously got some more deep rooted issues with her, and you either need to be open to having a conversation and laying all your cards on the table or just letting it go.

@momtoboys I will keep that in mind. She is a sweet person if she is there but I thinkat times she has always struggled to put the same effort into things when the person is not right next to her etc. I had to multiple times cover her mistakes when she forgot to get my mum or family a gift and quickly arrange something to cover up the fact that she forgot when she messages me last minute asking to help her.

I can understand why you feel the way you do. You put much more effort into her wedding and travelling to see her when her sister died than she seems to put into your wedding.

I think it's really sad she isn't coming for your wedding. Even if she came alone without the kids for a week. It's surely the least she can do given what you did for her.

Could they be having money struggles? It may explain not coming for the wedding and the lower value wedding gift.

If not, then how's the relationship despite this? How often do you speak? Do you get much out of the relationship? If so, then I would just avoid wedding talk. Let her know you're sad she won't be there but that these things happen and move on. But if you don't really get much otherwise from it then I would just not bother. Maybe explain to her that you're sad that the effort you put in for her wedding doesn't seem to be reciprocated but that you understand relationships change and you accept her decision. Then I wouldn't bother contacting her. Definitely stop sending gifts - it doesn't sound like your future kids would get any.

Unfortunately long distance relationships are hard to maintain.