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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Maireas · 20/12/2020 09:34

I know it's your money, OP, and you've been generous in the past, but it's been a uniquely challenging year, and a token of some sort would have been nice.

SnackBitch2020 · 20/12/2020 09:34

Whilst I think OP's intentions were good, this seems pretty tone deaf. You live and learn!

mooncakes · 20/12/2020 09:35

@Beautiful3

I would have been annoyed too. All my hard work and overtime unrecognized, and my christmas present has gone to charity!

Every birthday and Christmas in this house, we make a donation to a chosen charity. I would have preferred an Amazon voucher (emailed) from you instead of a charity I didn't choose. No one will be grateful for a charity donation they didn't chose.

But equally, you don't have a right to a gift from someone either...
BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2020 09:36

The money wasn't 'earmarked for them', the OP usually buys them a gift, but isn't obliged to. It's a nice gesture, but shouldn't be expected.

These people aren't necessarily 'really struggling' either, did you miss the part about them all being on decent salaries.

They can buy their own bits and pieces if it bothers them that much.

Sussexbonfireviking · 20/12/2020 09:37

I asked my family to buy themselves something with the money they would normally spend on me. I said I would be buying a charity gift (money to refuge)

They haven't missed out, I had it easier as didn't have to do the logistics, and its my gift that I donated, not theirs. I also don't have more stuff i don't need

Confusedandshaken · 20/12/2020 09:40

I'd be so disappointed if I'd been half expecting a little gift in acknowledgment of a difficult year and it didn't materialise. I can understand why your staff aren't thanking you. It must feel like a smack in the face.

limpolo · 20/12/2020 09:42

You got it wrong this time but nothing you can do about that now. The school uniform charity sounds great btw.

What I would take from this is not to buy gifts out my own pocket again. People saying they would rather a gift etc when they know its you personally doing this are rude and ungrateful and that would put me off doing it.

Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 09:47

Sorry but you shouldn't expect gratitude from other people because you have chosen to give money to charity. How ridiculous.

Branleuse · 20/12/2020 09:47

i think a gift voucher would be more appropriate. Way to make them feel crap

Shimy · 20/12/2020 09:57

@Neolara

I don't think you should feel bad. Given that it's your money, not company money, and staff are fully aware of this, I think it is spectaculary rude for them to tell you they would have preferred a present. Really, who does this?
Perhaps because OP specifically told the staff that she did it on their behalf and was angling for thank yous, so of course I can imagine the response was, “i’d Have much preferred an actual gift.” They didn’t ask her for anything, it was OP who went to announce she’d got them a gift (charity donation).
TheShepherdsCrown · 20/12/2020 10:02

@BarbaraofSeville

The money wasn't 'earmarked for them', the OP usually buys them a gift, but isn't obliged to. It's a nice gesture, but shouldn't be expected.

These people aren't necessarily 'really struggling' either, did you miss the part about them all being on decent salaries.

They can buy their own bits and pieces if it bothers them that much.

This.

Her donation may have been misjudged and I’m not sure they need to express gratitude for it but the ones whining about a present should grow the fuck up. These adults are just that adults with no right to stick their hands into another’s wallet, it’s not a gift exchange but neither should it have become a gift grab. They’re not children. They haven’t been furloughed, they've remained on a healthy salary. And everyone has had a hard year. The OP pays for these gifts out of her own purse. She usually stumps up around £300 each year. They aren’t on fucking expenses. She gets no tax reclaim for this year’s donation to charity.

OP I’d knock this gifting on the head. Explain that the gifts came from your own funds and to have complaints when you chose to donate has made you realise that this has clearly turned into a gift grab for some and is no longer appropriate.

Mydogissnooring · 20/12/2020 10:06

They get no benefit of your chosen charity, and did not get to pick what they wanted to give their ’gift’ to. Easy for you, crappy for them.

Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 10:06

TheShepherdsCrown I think what most people are saying is that they'd rather receive nothing than the obligation to feel gratitude because someone has chosen to donate money 'on their behalf'.

Dillydallyingthrough · 20/12/2020 10:07

I think they are ungrateful. My manager does this, out of her own pocket, its very kind of her, she doesn't have to buy any of us a present.

Diddumz · 20/12/2020 10:11

The company I worked for demanded lots of unpaid overtime and were extremely stingy.

They didn't pay people properly - for example, I was paid much less than the employees of our parent company.

There were no benefits and no bonuses.

One Xmas, our "gift" was a donation to charity.

I was disgusted - such a mean thing to do.

However, I would never have complained about it.

I think you were very mmm unreasonable.

Ungratefulpieceofsh1te · 20/12/2020 10:15

Dillydallyingthrough, the OP doesn't have to buy her staff a present, and she didn't!!

Chloemol · 20/12/2020 10:17

Yes YABU

People have had a shit year, they would have had to adapt to a new way of working, but have continued to do their work and keep the business going

Something for them directly is probably more important now than at any other year, they want to feel appreciated, that you recognise what they have done and buying THEM a gift would do then, not a general donation to a random cause that in fact they may not personally support

You need to apologise and find a way to thank them directly

ChaToilLeam · 20/12/2020 10:22

While your intentions were good, and you have been generous in purchasing gifts from your own money, this year is one where people really would have appreciated the morale boost of a gift. Expect they all feel rather deflated about it.

PeggySueOooOo · 20/12/2020 10:23

There is nothing wrong with not giving your staff a gift, even if you normally do. It is also very generous to give to charity.

Expecting gratitude (or praise, as it actually sounds) is bonkers.

Just forget about it now and you can decide next year if you want to continue gifts or not.

livefornaps · 20/12/2020 10:24

After a shit year, the last thing people need is a do-gooder bleating on about how they've been sooooooo generous by donating to charity for them....and then expecting thanks and stamping her foot when they don't fall to their knees in gratitude.

Grrrpredictivetex · 20/12/2020 10:31

@NCforthis10

I only mentioned salary/furlough as someone has asked.

Yes, they know it’s from my own pocket.

I honestly feel like shit. You live and learn.

Don't feel bad you had best intentions when you did it. This is why secret Santa's where invented, easier and cheaper for you. Happy Christmas 🎄
Brefugee · 20/12/2020 10:35

yeah, YABU, that's like expecting a bonus and getting a Jelly of the Month Club subscription.

Especially this year, the small acts of acknowledgement from companies to employees is very important.

mooncakes · 20/12/2020 10:41

@Brefugee

yeah, YABU, that's like expecting a bonus and getting a Jelly of the Month Club subscription.

Especially this year, the small acts of acknowledgement from companies to employees is very important.

From companies, yes - but the OP is an employee.
DreadingSeason2020sFinale · 20/12/2020 10:41

Donating to charity is all well and good (literally) but it's just giving someone's gift to somebody else of your choosing. Donate what you like to charity but donating on your employees behalf's is just taking from them. It's one of those gifts you give to a rude and ungrateful godson to teach them a lesson.
I'd rather just not receive a gift.

But to say anything about it is ill mannered.

TheShepherdsCrown · 20/12/2020 10:44

@Brefugee

yeah, YABU, that's like expecting a bonus and getting a Jelly of the Month Club subscription.

Especially this year, the small acts of acknowledgement from companies to employees is very important.

If it were the company paying I’d agree. The gifts have never been from the company. The OP spends her own money on the gifts.