Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

[NCforthis10]

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

You have totally not recognised the effort of your staff. I'm amazed your working from home while expecting skeleton staff to be in and run the store

Plus acknowledgements don't need to be financial.

I get zero in terms of bonuses, gifts, hospitality etc, but I do get recognition from my managers that I'm a valued member of the team.

That's worth far more to me than token gifts I could buy myself.

@BarbaraofSeville

The money wasn't 'earmarked for them', the OP usually buys them a gift, but isn't obliged to. It's a nice gesture, but shouldn't be expected.

These people aren't necessarily 'really struggling' either, did you miss the part about them all being on decent salaries.

They can buy their own bits and pieces if it bothers them that much.

You're totally missing the point, though.

Nothing would have been better than a token charity gift in their name.

Could you tip up on monday with buns/cake for everyone in work as a thank you.

@CoronaIsWatching

If I were you I'd be concerned about my capabilities as a manager. Maybe do some online courses or something to fill your skills gaps.

That is such a nasty comment that has no relation whatsoever to what has been discussed on the thread. What a horrible thing to post.

I initially thought you were being UR OP and I do think it's a bit odd to be angry at their ingratitude as I don't really think they should be feeling grateful. Those who commented didn't cover themselves in glory though. OP is a manager not an employer and has no obligation to get gifts at all. Does anyone higher up get you a gift, OP? I think your previous generosity has led to a feeling of entitlement from your team which is a real shame. I think you should scale it back to token gifts in future as it seems to be one of those cases where they just take it for granted instead of appreciating it. Do they get you anything?

I'm a manager in the public sector and manage a team of 10. At Christmas I spend less than a tenner on each of them and get things like baubles with initials on, smallish chocolate boxes, mini bottles of prosecco, etc etc. I also give cards with personal messages of thanks specific to their roles, skills and achievements. They club together and tend to get me a smallish hamper of things they know I like. It's all lovely. I don't feel like I should be spending more - most of them must have a higher household income than me as I'm the only single parent/unmarried person on the team and don't earn that much more than the highest paid among them. I don't expect the hamper, but would probably feel a bit shit without it as no one else in the organisation gets me anything! I think it's sad if they take from you and don't think to get you anything - it's not like you're the CEO! This year we haven't done it because it's just not possible as we're not together. I've still sent the cards through HR , got nice messages back and no one has mentioned gifts.

I just think you do too much normally - a manager isn't the same as an employer and they need to realise that. Charity giving shouldn't involve others though.

My work gave a meal to someone in need on my behalf AND I got a nice bottle of Prosecco and chocolates delivered. It was a very nice gesture.

If I’d just got an email saying they’d donated to a charity on my behalf I’d have been a bit meh. I’m very selective about the charities I donate to and I’ve worked my tail off all year whilst looking after a toddler for over 1/2 of it.

I don't think you should just let it lie. No one is going to laugh about it next year. Why would they.

A brief email saying what you've said to us, would go a long way. You recognise that you made a mistake and it's not something you will do again. They need to know that if your relationship with them is to be undamaged.

They might be earning okay still, but their partners might not. That present would have been appreciated this year more than any other.

@Sexnotgender

My work gave a meal to someone in need on my behalf AND I got a nice bottle of Prosecco and chocolates delivered. It was a very nice gesture.

If I’d just got an email saying they’d donated to a charity on my behalf I’d have been a bit meh. I’m very selective about the charities I donate to and I’ve worked my tail off all year whilst looking after a toddler for over 1/2 of it.

But was it paid for out of your manager's personal money?

@NCforthis10
I assume you work in the public sector? Depending on how many staff you manage , spending £100 or £200 from your own pocket to buy your staff an amazon voucher/something on Amazon prime would in my view be a wise investment.
I work in the public sector and I know Christmas gifts from my manager come from her own pocket and I really appreciate the time she spends to choose and wrap them. If I had been used to getting a gift and suddenly didn’t this year after Christmas working on through lockdown while those in the private sector applied for furlough to manage their childcare issues etc , well I would feel unappreciated by you. It’s not too late to rectify things and I think would be a sound investment.
I have always spent my own money on sending gifts to those I manage

I think the OP knows by now that she made the wrong call. FWIW I've only ever had one manager who bought the team individual presents, and I think you've created an entitled monster by doing so.

The place I work now has contractors in to do the day to day maintenance and cleaning, and a few years ago in one area some people got a collection together for one of them who they knew had a crappy year. It was meant as a one-off gesture, and she was very grateful. However last year she came round asking where it was, why she hadn't had it yet. General consensus was CF, but the trouble with gifting once is that people then come to expect it and also expect it to be of a certain level.

OP I would use this as an opportunity to stop the gifts. TBH they sound like they would have complained that a posted voucher was a lack of effort on your part. Most of those of us who haven't been furloughed have worked so hard this year, my company gave us nothing at Christmas- but then it never does. I'm not sure where everyone thinks the money for these manager or company-funded gifts is coming from this year when most of us have taken a financial beating. But that's the trouble with feeling entitled, there's no rational thought behind it other than 'but I want it'.

Gardenista I think it's awful to say public sector managers (who often aren't paid a huge amount more than some of those in their teams) ought to be paying out £200 on Amazon vouchers in order for people to feel appreciated. It's ridiculous. I line manage 10 people and most have higher household incomes than me because I'm single with kids and they're all married with working partners. I'm sorry but I'm not going to see my own kids go short and I just couldn't justify it. I spend about £7 each on tokens and spend time writing messages in cards. If it's not enough tough shit - I can't afford more! My team club together and get me something, which is lovely, so I don't think they resent me. I'd feel odd giving them vouchers because I couldn't afford a high amount and it's like giving them money which I don't think is my role. And it's hardly the OP's fault they weren't furloughed! She doesn't have to pay them compensation. Many people who were will ultimately be made redundant so these people should be feeling lucky they aren't in that position, not moaning that they've missed out on a gift.

OP - I think charity giving is personal and you shouldn't expect gratitude for doing it in other people's names but I also think the people who moaned were bratty. Scale back n the gift-giving in future, or even cut it out altogether. It seems it's become an expectation.

I don’t understand the response here. It is out of your own pocket. My manager did the same and donated food parcels in our names to a local charity. We all replied to his email saying what a generous and thoughtful thing to do.

Giving to charity on behalf of someone else is meaningless unless you've consulted the person beforehand and they've agreed to it. If you decide to do this without involving the person, all you're doing is giving to charity and not buying the person a gift. There's nothing wrong with doing that, but it's completely pointless to tell the other person you've done it.

There's also the risk that the donation might have gone to a charity that the other person wouldn't support. Not all charities are acceptable to all people - a charity may have views, political affiliations or practices that go against some people's principles.

You’ve got a hugely hard time on here and unfortunately it just speaks volumes about how entitled some people are. Spending your own hard earned money on people - and being told that you haven’t been generous enough / generous in the right way?! Fuck all those people. You’ve tried to do a nice thing and it hasn’t been appreciated. Next year, just knock it on the head. I think it’s disgusting that people wouldn’t see that a donation to a local charity would be a nice thing to do. OP

I'm not sure that I would see a donation to a charity that I hadn't chosen to be a gift

Fine if you want to give to charity
Fine if you don't want to actually give gifts
But I don't think you can expect people to be grateful that you have made a donation on their behalf and called it a gift

I agree with those PP suggesting to scale it back in future to a token gift as this is your own money. Your staff feel entitled to a gift as it has been a regular thing in the past, but really this was a personal thing from you to them.

I do think it is ungrateful for someone to state what they'd rather have had as a gift, the receiver doesn't get to choose. However, I also feel a charity donation on behalf of someone else isn't a good gift choice either.

Definitely scale it back though, small box of chocolates in future.

Ingratitude?

What were they supposed to be grateful for?

NOT getting a present?

(But I would also scale down the present giving a bit.)

I agree with others to draw the line behind it. I wouldn't be pleased if someone gave me a present of charity donation. I would ask how they knew the one I support, and I know taht anser would be taht they don't but they chose one. So it's basically their donation to their chosen charity but made "special" by claiming it's a gift in a name of someone else. It's just so much better to say "sorry, no presents this year, charity I support needed help so I donated and don't have budget now" That would be absolutely ok.

You slipped, it happens. It will be fine.

I would honestly look into company paying for presents for staff though. I don't think you should be spending your personal money on all the staff unless they are all your friends. That's very kind of you though.

Sorry for typos!

Why were you giving presents? It's not your company, you're a branch manager!

Fuck em and don't them anything ever again.

OP can't be donating to14 charities! Makes total sense for OP to choose tye charity.

Maybe send them all proof of donation, that will shut them up.

My boss did this on Friday instead of the (very nice) bottle of wine we each normally get. I immediately emailed him to say what a lovely idea it was, to thank him and to wish him and his family a lovely Christmas.

If they are on £35k each (so haven't had a drop in income) then giving to others who will not be in the same situation seems a good idea to me - sharing your good fortune to not be in difficult circumstances this year.

IMHO your colleagues seem entitled to me personally, as some-one who has been on the other end. This wasn't from the company but from you personally. They might not appreciate it but to complain is crass.

The personal card idea suggested sounds lovely but I wouldn't blame you for not bothering given the way you have been treated. Fine if they didn't appreciate it but to complain!!

@Hellotheresweet
What i meant was there is still time to get a gift, if the op feels bad about it.

I feel very upset for you as you’ve spend this money out of your own pocket - I wonder if they know that? Or whether they think there’s some fund you’re getting it from. I had staff that thought this and were very flippant about receiving it.
Please don’t put yourself more out of pocket and try rectify it by buying further presents.
Next year I’d make it very clear that any gift comes from your personal money. And I’d not be spending as much - that’s a ridiculous amount to spend out of your own pocket.

I’m with @Idontgiveagriffindamn

And fwiw OP, I’d have been grand with you doing what you did.

You could have done an e voucher

But it's annoying for people to expect and assume you will offer a gift. Presumably your own personal expense?