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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BatleyTownswomensGuild · 20/12/2020 09:12

YABU - it's been a really tough year all round and I think a gift to your staff would have been a nice gesture. How many of them have had the stress of trying to juggle working with home-schooling during lockdown? Or covering for colleagues who are off with COVID? Or have had to pivot workstreams quickly, with additional workload because of changes bought about by COVID? A gesture of thanks would have probably been appreciated. My work couldn't afford gifts or bonuses so have given everyone an extra day's annual leave over the Cmas period instead, which has been appreciated.

Soubriquet · 20/12/2020 09:13

I honestly thought this was a reverse because I couldn’t understand how anyone would see how they were wrong doing this.

Giving no present is one thing, donating it in their name to a charity is another.

I’m glad you see you went wrong.

Pinotwoman82 · 20/12/2020 09:15

I’ve actually totally changed my mind on this, the charity you chose is a local one and one I would be more than happy with.
This money is coming out of your own pocket and they know this, they are not children. I suppose the one thing you did wrong is donate in their names instead of just emailing them to let them know.

TroysMammy · 20/12/2020 09:17

I think a lot of posters haven't read or understood that the gift comes out of the OP's pocket and is not from the company but a personal gift from the OP.

I get a bottle of alcohol of my choice from my employers and £20 in my pay which is tax deductible which I probably don't really get.

Nottherealslimshady · 20/12/2020 09:17

Donations on someone elses behalf are shite. It's a charity of your choice. Most big charities, about 2 percent of your donation goes to the cause, the rest to the big bosses at the top.

You should have given them £20 if you wanted thanks

Biffbaff · 20/12/2020 09:18

YABU You 'gave' them nothing to be grateful for. Sorry but you'll have to write this one down in your own gratitude journal.

rookiemere · 20/12/2020 09:18

It was a nice gesture but I'm not sure what your team should thank you for and why you're angry with them for not thanking you.
Should I thank a FB friend for telling me they are donating to charity rather than sending me a card ?

EarringsandLipstick · 20/12/2020 09:18

Ugg

RTFT

You say your branch has had a profitable year. Why did you feel a gift was not appropriate. It is quite easy to send out 14 vouchers to staff as a gift.

The donation was made with OP's own money. Which the staff know about.

It's got nothing to do with the company's profits at all.

It's a gift from the OP. This year she recognised that a local charity could benefit from this money instead.

I'm amazed at the rudeness of people. Why would they think they are entitled to a gift from OP? (Not the company).

vdbfamily · 20/12/2020 09:19

I do not think you were wearing to give money to charity and tell your team that, but too expect their gratitude for it seems very strange. U gave your money to charity. They are not going to thank you for that. You don't have to make amends as have done nothing wrong, just don't expect thank yous from staff.

yellowmaoampinball · 20/12/2020 09:19

I think donating to charity is always a nice gesture but as others have said, where you've gone wrong is seeing it as a 'gift' to your employees and being angry at their ingratitude. What you actually did was decide to spend the money you would have spent on them on a charity instead. I'd have been absolutely fine with that given how this year has been awful financially for so many people but it would never have occurred to me to 'thank' you for it.

mooncakes · 20/12/2020 09:22

They probably don’t realise their gifts are from you personally and not from the company.
If you get a nice gift from work every year then you would come to expect it!

Biffbaff · 20/12/2020 09:22

@NCforthis10

I only mentioned salary/furlough as someone has asked.

Yes, they know it’s from my own pocket.

I honestly feel like shit. You live and learn.

Don't beat yourself up about it though! It's done now, style it out, OP Xmas Smile
CoronaIsWatching · 20/12/2020 09:22

If I were you I'd be concerned about my capabilities as a manager. Maybe do some online courses or something to fill your skills gaps.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 20/12/2020 09:23

I can’t believe these replies. OP is using her own money to buy a gift. She is not obliged to do so. If she decides to use her own money another way, so be it. As is always touted on MN, gifts aren’t a right.

OP I would stop the tradition now and not buy gifts anymore.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 20/12/2020 09:24

@EarringsandLipstick

They shouldnt be expecting a gift. That was wrong of them. If OP wants to give her money to this charity then that is great, but it her money from her. It has nothing to do with her staff and they have no reason to fall over themselves to thank her.

She chose the charity, she chose the amount, she made the donation. It wasnt from the staff, had nothing to do with them and they dont need to be thankful for it. They shouldnt be annoyed at not getting a gift. It should be a neutral feelings issue.

The OP wants floods of emails telling her how wonderful she was. That isnt why we give to charity. It should be a private thing.

GarlicMonkey · 20/12/2020 09:25

They probably feel like they've made enough sacrifices for others this year already. You really should have read the room & concentrated on the 'individual' not the 'collective' this Christmas. People have sacrificed so much for other's already & it's a bit of a kick in (already broken) teeth taking one little personal treat away from them too.

Neolara · 20/12/2020 09:27

I don't think you should feel bad. Given that it's your money, not company money, and staff are fully aware of this, I think it is spectaculary rude for them to tell you they would have preferred a present. Really, who does this?

Harmonyrays · 20/12/2020 09:28

It's a nice gesture...for you. I can understand how your colleagues feel and I think you misjudged this.

It would have been nicer to send vouchers as others have said.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 20/12/2020 09:28

@LeaveMyDamnJam

I can’t believe these replies. OP is using her own money to buy a gift. She is not obliged to do so. If she decides to use her own money another way, so be it. As is always touted on MN, gifts aren’t a right.

OP I would stop the tradition now and not buy gifts anymore.

She didn't buy a gift she made a charitable donation. Which is totally fine, except don't expect thanks from anyone else. There haven't received anything to thank her for. Her mistake was telling them she had done this in their name then expecting thanks. It would have been more appropriate to not do gifts this year then privately make a donation rather than virtue seeking.
maddy68 · 20/12/2020 09:29

That doesn't feel like you have appreciated their efforts. You should have given them something personally.

NichyNoo · 20/12/2020 09:29

I can’t believe people are criticising you OP. This comes from your own money not the company! And you have made the donation to a local charity that the company usually supports.

My boss usually buys the team some chocolates for Christmas but lockdown means that it would cost her more in postage than the chocs are worth. Plus she doesn’t have everyone’s address and I doubt HR would release that personal info to her. So this year we get nothing and I really don’t care.

I think you have been incredibly generous in past years but would probably stop buying Christmas gifts as it seems you have created some weird sense of entitlement in your colleagues.

SantasBritchesSpelleas · 20/12/2020 09:31

I don't think you should feel bad - they have no entitlement to receive a personal gift from you.

On the other hand, you shouldn't expect them to thank you for making a charitable donation.

thethoughtfox · 20/12/2020 09:31

You can get online gift cards that are a link that gets sent to their email on a date of your choosing. I got a Next one for my nephew at my sister's request.

What you did could have felt insulting. People are really struggling and you gave money that was earmarked for them away to charity.

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2020 09:31

I would have been annoyed too. All my hard work and overtime unrecognized, and my christmas present has gone to charity!

Every birthday and Christmas in this house, we make a donation to a chosen charity. I would have preferred an Amazon voucher (emailed) from you instead of a charity I didn't choose. No one will be grateful for a charity donation they didn't chose.

Squirrelblanket · 20/12/2020 09:32

I agree with the others that I wouldn't see this as a gift for me and therefore wouldn't feel the need to comment or express 'immense gratitude'. It sounds a bit like 'this is what I've done instead of buying you a gift'. Which is fine as it's your own money. But you were wrong to expect people to be grateful for it. I'm sure the charity is grateful enough!

It does seem like this would be a good opportunity to stop the Christmas gifting though, it's a lot to spend each year out of your own pocket and this could act as a nice reset.