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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
NailsNeedDoing · 20/12/2020 08:45

😂 You seriously expect people to show you gratitude for making a donation on their behalf to a charity you have no idea if they even care about?

You’re funny.

Bonniegirlie · 20/12/2020 08:45

Ingratitude for what? You didn't get them anything! After such a shitty year it would have been nice to send out vouchers IMHO. It's not really surprising nobody said thank you.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 20/12/2020 08:45

It's not a gift, it's easier for you and makes you feel good. It may not even be a charity they choose to support. Donate to charity if you wish, but don't do it on the behalf of others. It's rather like dangling a carrot, nothing would gave been more appropriate.

CherryPavlova · 20/12/2020 08:46

I think a manager (or any other present giver) shouldn’t expect gratitude. It’s not why you give.

I think a charity donation is usually lovely but if the norm is quite a nice gift, I think this year more than ever, I’d make the effort. You must have addresses and Amazon delivers most things to most places - and even gift wraps.

Aerielview · 20/12/2020 08:46

Could you explain the situation to management op, and see if they would be willing to allocate some money to buy gifts for everyone? I think the company should be doing this anyway, rather than you being so much out of pocket.

RandomDent · 20/12/2020 08:47

It’s a lovely gesture and I guess you’ve learned lots about your team from it. And lots of people on here too. It’s a logistical pain sending token gifts so I see why you went for it. No good deed goes unpunished indeed. Lots of those people needing uniform will have been furloughed or worse.

honkytonkheroe · 20/12/2020 08:47

We sent Tesco’s vouchers by post as most people were on furlough. To be honest, we couldn’t afford it but took the view that it meant more to them than us. If we don’t survive this period, it won’t be because we sent lout some £25 Tesco vouchers.

Imfinallyhappy1 · 20/12/2020 08:49

All I can think of is when I’m friends chandlers firm gives everyone a ‘donation in your name’ gift to a ballet instead of something actually for them. Yabu. Giving to charity is a personal choice. You could of at least consulted them.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 20/12/2020 08:49

It's a tough one.

It's been a difficult year for many. A gift is a nice way to lift the spirits a bit. I would be a bit Xmas Hmm if a donation was made on my behalf too ( I have little money , get no help and am aware of where most of the money donated to charity actually goes)

I would have mumbled an ' oh okay' if my boss did this. I wouldn't say thank you. I think yabu and completely understand your staffs attitude.

HighHeelBoots · 20/12/2020 08:50

Its not a lovely gesture. Don't buy them a gift, fine, but don't pretend a charity donation is a gift for them

DrManhattan · 20/12/2020 08:51

Its not too late to fix it, get some gift cards sent to their email addresses. Done.

Hellotheresweet · 20/12/2020 08:54

@DrManhattan

Its not too late to fix it, get some gift cards sent to their email addresses. Done.
Fix what? Ok so some have said they wanted a present, which I think we can all agree is a rather cheeky and rude response irrespective of our opinion as to whether the OP should have bought an actual gift or note

It’s done now. Move on.

MrDarcysMa · 20/12/2020 08:54

YABU sorry, that's not a gift for them. I would have sent them an e voucher for a nice takeaway on me at least!

Nomorepies · 20/12/2020 08:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

HikeForward · 20/12/2020 08:59

You should have asked them not assumed they wanted you to donate to charity on their behalf. It sounds like a very pious and self centred thing to do, donate on their behalf then expect gratitude!

It’s been a horrible year, I think most would have preferred a gift as a token of your appreciation not a donation to a charity they didn’t choose.

Shimy · 20/12/2020 09:00

You can’t buy people virtue, which is what you are trying to do by donating to charity on their behalf. It just doesn’t work that way, all you’ve done is buy more of it for yourself infact.

Burnthurst187 · 20/12/2020 09:01

We (60-70 employees) get a card and a £30 voucher but this year we got a Christmas cake each. A lot of ppl moaned as it was vegan but I enjoyed it, tasted the same. I didn't expect the normal £30 voucher and I also won't be expecting a pay rise in January

As a manager you will never please everybody

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/12/2020 09:01

I think you should ask your company to give you the budget to send them all a £20 voucher of their choice. It would be tax deductible for the company and it’s really not something you should keep paying for yourself
Failing that a heartfelt letter acknowledging the difficulties they have dealt with but not mentioning or alluding to the charity donation in any way, might repair some of the perceived pr damage. No one will thank you as you are the boss but that’s just the way it is

EarringsandLipstick · 20/12/2020 09:05

@NCforthis10

I think I'm in the distinct minority but I see exactly where you are coming from and YANBU.

OP clarified midway through the thread that the money came from her own pocket & that the staff knew this.

Most subsequent posts seem to be ignoring this.

instead of my usual reward for my efforts - this type of comment is ridiculous. This is NOT a 'reward' for their efforts. They are paid for their efforts. This is from the OP's own pocket and this year is going to a very worthy local charity that the company normally supports and hasn't been able to this year.

They are really rude - I don't think they should see what you did as a gift but I do think they should acknowledge the nice & appropriate thing you did.

You are lovely OP.

Didthatreallyhappen2 · 20/12/2020 09:08

I'd have wanted the gift voucher. Sorry, I think YABU.

uggmum · 20/12/2020 09:09

You are totally unreasonable. Enforced charity donations are unreasonable in themselves.

It has been hard on workers this year. You say your branch has had a profitable year. Why did you feel a gift was not appropriate. It is quite easy to send out 14 vouchers to staff as a gift.

Why would you not show your appreciation to staff that have had to work in challenging home environments.

I'm sure you feel great that you've made a charitable donation to a charity of your choice this year.

You should be ashamed for the lack of care that you have shown your staff.

ramblingsonthego · 20/12/2020 09:10

Your staff can't spend or use a charity donation can they?

You should have given them a gift. Its been a shit year for everyone.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 20/12/2020 09:12

You could have bought vouchers which would have been sent by email to them. No logistics involved. You could have given them that, but you wanted to use your money to do a charity donation.

That is completely fine. You dont need to buy gifts for all the staff and they should not be expecting it, but a charity donation isnt a gift. If that money was "theirs" then they should have at least been allowed to choose he charity. You chose a charity, you gave th charity the money. That donation is from you, it had nothing to do with the staff and there really is nothing to thank you for. I'm sure th charity appreciate it so that should be enough.

NorbertMeubles · 20/12/2020 09:12

I'm still struggling to get over your thread title which says you are feeling angry. Angry is quite a feeling to have about the fact that your team haven't been flooding your email inbox with messages of gratitude for your massive virtue signalling.

If anyone should be angry it would be the team members who have worked hard all year only to find out their Christmas gift to say thanks for all their hard work is money donated to a charity that they may not even support. To be honest I'd be angry and fucked off by how little you seem to be bothered about me and how your virtue signalling and waiting for gratitude means more.

cherryblossomx3 · 20/12/2020 09:12

it wouldnt bother me that you had chosen to do that but I wouldnt be full of gratitude.