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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 20/12/2020 17:14

@Dishwashersaurous

No one is saying that they should have got a gift.

Everyone is saying that they shouldn’t have to show gratitude for NOT getting a gift

That sums it up perfectly.
HTH1 · 20/12/2020 17:20

@NCforthis10 How much gratitude would you feel if the company directors told you that they had generously decided to donate your salary for that month (year?) to a charity of their choice instead of paying it to you?

Leaannb · 20/12/2020 17:43

@Libertybells1...Because some charities are complete shit and don't deserve a dime

KarmaStar · 20/12/2020 17:57

I applaud all donations to charity.But,you made the wrong choice here.I'm sure you could have given a cash bonus at the end of a terrible year,so no worries about the logistics.

SeasonFinale · 20/12/2020 18:02

I never understand the I donated to charity in your name rather than give you a present mentality.

It should be used if you were asked by someone what you wanted and you respond Please donate to xyz charity on my behalf instead.

katy1213 · 20/12/2020 18:07

It wouldn't have occurred to me to thank you for a donation you made to a charity of your choice to save yourself time and trouble.
Why would they thank you? You haven't given them anything.

grapewine · 20/12/2020 18:10

@Ihavethesecret

You buy a gift thats tax deductible for you and gives you the feels. They get no benefit if they had no input into the chosen charity yet you want them tugging their forelocks in gratitude Hmm
Sorry, but this is it in a nutshell. I wouldn't have thanked you either. YABU.
ElementalIllusion · 20/12/2020 18:18

You can’t expect gratitude but they are being CFs to expect gifts and for saying so to you.

Don’t waste your money buying them gifts next year, donate the money to the local charity in your own name instead, it sounds like a great charity.

Palavah · 20/12/2020 18:38

[quote HTH1]@NCforthis10 How much gratitude would you feel if the company directors told you that they had generously decided to donate your salary for that month (year?) to a charity of their choice instead of paying it to you?[/quote]
That's totally different - OP has been buying theae gifts off her own bat, with her own money.

Noranorav · 20/12/2020 18:43

It's a kind gesture on your part and money to charity is a good thing. People mentioning not getting a gift are rude and BU. But! On your part to expect gratitude from people you donated 'on behalf of' is also a U. They didn't ask for this 'gift', and it isn't a gift for, or from them - so they don't need to be grateful. They might think you've done a lovely thing, but that's up to them, and you shouldn't expect it. If they've been working hard this year, no money spent on Christmas party etc, it might have been a decent gesture from the company to have sent something - sometimes a little gesture goes a long way.

Gardenista · 20/12/2020 18:47

@looseddaughter -I was suggesting OP spend £5 to £10 per person on a voucher for her team (which wouldn’t be more than £100 or £200 in total.

I have never bought a gift for my boss, I do always buy a gift for the support staff who help me in my role (the secretaries) to show my appreciation. I think this is courteous.

MorvaanReed · 20/12/2020 18:54

If you usually give gifts there's going to be some level of expectation, bit of a Pavlov's dog thing. I don't know how big a deal a twenty quid present would be to your staff - but it would be a welcome, small treat to me.

Different example, the school I work for is supposed to do flowers and chocolates for big birthdays. I'm no fan of flowers, but it still irked that I got forgotten any when a Teacher had an extra big fuss for the same birthday only a month before.

AliceMcK · 20/12/2020 18:59

Making a donation in someone’s name is not a present. Its up to individuals if they want to donate to charity nit you. You have used it as a cop out as you didn’t want to deal with the logistics of sending presents to peoples homes.

emilyfrost · 20/12/2020 18:59

YABVU, but I think you know that now.

They didn’t need to be grateful, you made a decision on their behalf and that’s not acceptable.

hellejuice91 · 20/12/2020 21:07

I am sorry but I think YABU. I would not send a thank you email to someone making a charitable donation on my behalf. I would see go 'oh ok' to myself and actually not think about it again. I would treat it the same way I do when someone tells me they are not sending me a Christmas Card because they are giving the money to charity - with indifference.

saraclara · 20/12/2020 21:12

ASKING people to donate to your favourite charity instead of buying you a present - entirely fine and laudable. You've given away something that would have been yours.

TELLING people you've given to charity instead of giving them a gift, and they just have to do without a present this year - WTF? You've not given away something that's yours. You've given away something that was supposed to be theirs.

gingerbiscuits · 21/12/2020 00:10

Being honest, that's a bit shit from your employees' perspective. This year hasn't been easy or normal for anyone. Totally understand that you might not have the cash to splash out the usual amount on them but almost anything would have been better than what you did. Think you'll be waiting a long time for the flood of thank yous!

Stompythedinosaur · 21/12/2020 00:53

Rude to mention it, but since you didn't give them a gift there is no reason they should be grateful.

Branleuse · 21/12/2020 10:37

I already give to the charities I support. I would not be particularly grateful for someone else to decide they were donating my gift to charity. What if they dont all like that charity?

Notnt · 21/12/2020 11:13

I wouldn't expect a gift, I don't get one at work and am not upset about it, so to mention disappointment at not getting a gift is rude, imo.
However I wouldn't go out of my way to thank you for a charity donation. I might think "that was nice" upon hearing (unless it was a charity I wouldn't support for certain reasons), but ultimately it's your money and your choice, not something for which I, as an employee, would or should be expected to show gratitude.

MumChats · 21/12/2020 11:26

From the way your staff reacted, i'd say they don't know this has come from you personally. Which is why you've had a really lacklustre response and that they said they'd rather a gift - they probably imagine Head Office sending you £300 and you not making the effort to sort something out for them.

As everyone has said, you obviously misjudged the situation but what's done is done. I wouldn't try to do anything to rectify things and I'm sure you now won't be challenging them on their ingratitude. Live and learn.

For what its worth i like charity gifts and would appreciate what you've done so i don't really agree with PPs that it's a rubbish gift (i also would be really pleased to get the Oxfam goat in secret santa)!

MariaK91 · 21/12/2020 11:49

No one should automatically expect a gift.
Naturally people want stuff for themselves but in reality that is just being greedy by nature. None of them NEED a gift they just want one. They should have said thank you at least. Really shocks me how gift obsessed people can be.

rookiemere · 21/12/2020 12:25

@MariaK91 but there's nothing for the staff to say thank you for - they haven't received anything Confused?

Sunshineboo · 21/12/2020 12:30

next year buy them a selection box. they obviously don't appreciate that you are
from your own pocket buying them a present and they now expect it.

i wouldn't spend that much. a token is all needed

Graciebobcat · 21/12/2020 12:40

Employees may have worked really hard in what has been a shit year for a lot of people at work and personally and a gift would perhaps be more desirable than ever to thank them for their efforts in the face of adversity. A charitable donation would be nice, but as well as, not instead of, the gift to employees.