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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry about ingratitude - AIBU?

464 replies

NCforthis10 · 20/12/2020 06:36

NC for this. I’m not sure about whether I’m being unreasonable or not and I’m looking for a way of dealing with this.

I’m the manager of one of our company’s branches with 14 staff. I normally buy everyone a gift at Xmas to say thanks for all their efforts in the year. Nothing expensive, usually about £20-25 in value. Because of coronavirus our branch only has a skeleton staff in the office to deal with things that need to be dispatched and customer returns. I’m mainly working from home.

This year I decided to make a donation to a local charity on behalf of the branch rather than deal with the logistics of getting gifts to everyone. I sent an email out to all of the team thanking them for all their teamwork and another successful year despite the coronavirus, explaining that I’d made the donation in their names. I did this at the beginning of the week and no one has even acknowledged this apart from some comments made at a staff Webex meeting on Thursday when a couple of people said that they would have preferred a gift like usual.

I was so taken aback that I couldn’t say anything so I just acted like nothing was said and moved onto the next item. But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

I’m looking to my fellow mumsnetters to let me know if my reaction is being unreasonable and how to deal with it. I really feel like saying something very pointed as I see making the donation still as a gift which obviously wasn’t appreciated, but I don’t want to make matters worse for myself.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OverTheRainbow88 · 20/12/2020 12:57

@NCforthis10

Oh I posted before I read your updates.

Please don’t feel bad at all, I think it’s a lovely idea and hopefully your team will feel the same in the long term. 35k+ a year and no furlough is more then those who Can’t afford school uniform would get.

Palavah · 20/12/2020 12:58

I think they're being massively ungrateful. I'm suprised you buy them each a £20-25 out of your own pocket.

I can understand why they feel as though this year, as much or more than any other, they would have preferred a gift, but they're being CFs.

I wouldn't bother buying them gifts again.

Palavah · 20/12/2020 12:59

Has any of them ever reciprocated?

JillofTrades · 20/12/2020 13:02

I think you had good intentions but you completely misread the situation. Honestly I would want the gift.
Also why wouldn't you get suggestions about charities from your team?
You just decided on their behalf.
You could have easily emailed a voucher?
Asking for thanks for something they didn't receive is.. Confused

BadLad · 20/12/2020 13:20

I get that you don't have to get them a gift, especially as you're personally paying for it, not the company.

I don't agree with this: I see making the donation still as a gift

No. You've donated to charity instead of getting them a gift. Sure, they're not entitled to gifts, but it's not hard to see why they aren't radiating gratitude.

WrongKindOfFace · 20/12/2020 13:23

Some people are being really dickish about this. It was her own money. They are not entitled to a bloody gift.

Should she have expected people to be massively enthusiastic? Probably not. But adults shouldn’t complain because they haven’t received a bloody present from their boss.

thevassal · 20/12/2020 13:28

@LeaveMyDamnJam

I can’t believe these replies. OP is using her own money to buy a gift. She is not obliged to do so. If she decides to use her own money another way, so be it. As is always touted on MN, gifts aren’t a right.

OP I would stop the tradition now and not buy gifts anymore.

100% BUT she is then expecting gratitude from her employees for doing so and is angry she isn't getting it. That's what's wrong. She can spend her own money on whatever she likes but to her employees, her spending £200 on a charity they haven't chosen is as irrelevant to them as spending £200 on wine for her family, so why would they be grateful?

I also disagree that they shouldn't expect anything. Once you start doing something on a regular basis, it becomes an expectation, that's just the way people think! If you couldn't afford to get anything this year and sent them an email explaining this I'm sure they might privately been a bit gutted but would have understood. But you could afford it, so of course they're annoyed you didn't even ask their preference!

And as for the posters saying that anyone with a job at all should be so forelock-tugging, knee-bent grateful that to make any comment at all on their working conditions amounts to gross ingratitude, really? All the teachers who have been coughed on with no PPE for months? The shop workers who have been sworn and spat at daily? The doctors, nurses and HCPs who have been risking their own health to help others and are too worried about spreading the virus to see their own families? The police officers who have been trying to help the public and get abused and shouted at for doing so?

I'm grateful to THEM for the job they do, I don't think they should be grateful for having it, particularly with the spectre of job cuts, pay freezes and changes to working conditions thanks to brexit looming in their near future! Same applies to most jobs, I think there aren't many who've had a particularly cushty time of it this year. I think it's setting a dangerous precedent to be so grateful for just having a job that we are too scared of being villified to ever mention any issues or dissatisfactions with it - otherwise we're back to Victorian Britain and kow-towing to the mill owner because it's worth in t'workhouse...

WeeDangerousSpike · 20/12/2020 13:31

You didn't give them anything, why would they be grateful?!

Branleuse · 20/12/2020 13:35

theres still time for you to give them all a gift voucher

Libertybells1 · 20/12/2020 13:39

@FippertyGibbett

Personally I’d rather you had done nothing than donate to charity. People were counting on a present.
Jesus Christ my jaw is on the floor at some of these responses. On what planet is NO charity donation and no presents preferable to a charity getting a generous donation?!

OP, I'm with you on this. I think you have been very generous all along and gifts are just that - not an entitlement. I have more staff than you and I spend 150 quid or so on treats in the office for them and I think that's fair enough. If I were to buy them each a gift it would not be tax deductible (not UK and in a public service role) and would cost a fortune. Certainly in my case, i appreciate them all very much but I am not their employer nor am I loaded. If I was you u would feel very let down at their attitude.

looseddaughter · 20/12/2020 13:49

*And as for the posters saying that anyone with a job at all should be so forelock-tugging, knee-bent grateful that to make any comment at all on their working conditions amounts to gross ingratitude, really? All the teachers who have been coughed on with no PPE for months? The shop workers who have been sworn and spat at daily? The doctors, nurses and HCPs who have been risking their own health to help others and are too worried about spreading the virus to see their own families? The police officers who have been trying to help the public and get abused and shouted at for doing so?

I'm grateful to THEM for the job they do, I don't think they should be grateful for having it, particularly with the spectre of job cuts, pay freezes and changes to working conditions thanks to brexit looming in their near future! Same applies to most jobs, I think there aren't many who've had a particularly cushty time of it this year. I think it's setting a dangerous precedent to be so grateful for just having a job that we are too scared of being villified to ever mention any issues or dissatisfactions with it - otherwise we're back to Victorian Britain and kow-towing to the mill owner because it's worth in t'workhouse...*

I get your point, but the OP might actually be a manager in one of those sectors, and therefore probably faces the same struggles the rest of them do AND is expected to shell out for a present for her team. I am a teacher and Hod, and have all the stresses (and more, which is fine I chose to go for promotion) that my team have, not loads more money and I get them presents. My team are lovely and reciprocate, but not sure the OP's does. She's not the mill-owner in your analogy. I have a friend who's in retail management and the responsibility and pressure she has is insane and not reflected in her pay packet either. Managers are not employers, they're employees. Many may be shit, but that's not the point and they're not obliged to buy everyone they manage expensive gifts.

OrigamiOwl · 20/12/2020 14:04

Unfortunately charity is a personal thing. There are charities I donate to but also there are some that I find ethically dubious for various reasons so won't donate to. So I'd be unimpressed if someone gave a donation to one of those, in my name, without any consultation with me and then expected me to be grateful.

As it happens I manage a team (one that had been on the frontline of covid) and get everyone a small gift. It's more of a token of appreciation, as it's quite a large team.

naturalyoghurtmuncher · 20/12/2020 14:30

@naturalyoghurtmuncher

It's a tough one.

It's been a difficult year for many. A gift is a nice way to lift the spirits a bit. I would be a bit Xmas Hmm if a donation was made on my behalf too ( I have little money , get no help and am aware of where most of the money donated to charity actually goes)

I would have mumbled an ' oh okay' if my boss did this. I wouldn't say thank you. I think yabu and completely understand your staffs attitude.

Op.also remember that your staff might be struggling with no or little support and the old saying 'charity begins at home' is so very true
thevassal · 20/12/2020 14:39

@looseddaughter I agree that OP isn't the mill owner, and that her (usually) buying her team gifts is a lovely thing to do. I just think if I was in her team (and I was in almost the exact same situation a few years ago), I would obviously have preferred the present, but realistically I would have completely understood if she hadn't bought anything and had explained it was because it was unaffordable to continue doing so, and tbh, a proper thanks for the work I'd done would have been almost as well received. I mean, realistically, if I can't afford to buy myself my own bottle of wine or whatever I'd have bigger problems than what my boss had got me for Christmas.

What I wouldn't (and didn't) appreciate would be my boss saying they could afford to buy something but had decided to spend it on something that a) had no benefit to me and b) I had no say in.....and then expect me to be grateful for it!

gumball37 · 20/12/2020 14:41

It is obvious you have never seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation...

ArnoldBee · 20/12/2020 14:45

I can't remember what tv programme it was but everyone received an envelope with something along the lines of a donation has been made to the new York orchestra in your name. These things go down like a lead balloon. Yes it's your money and you don't have to buy them a gift. If their hard work brings you accolades at work I can see why you did it.

Thewithesarehere · 20/12/2020 14:54

We donate a large sum of money to local charities every year. It’s our own decision and it makes us feel connected with the charities of our choice. You can’t do this decision on our behalf without making us feel awful.
On a separate note, I received three different gifts from my workplace this year and it has been so good after such a bad year. I didn’t expect it but it was very much welcome. You should have done extra, not nothing or a charity gift.

KatherineJaneway · 20/12/2020 15:09

But I’m really struggling with what I see as immense ingratitude.

You didn't give them anything or consult them in the choice of charity. How could they be grateful for that?

Lightsontbut · 20/12/2020 15:13

Should she have expected people to be massively enthusiastic? Probably not. But adults shouldn’t complain because they haven’t received a bloody present from their boss

They're not. OP is complaining that they've not thanked her.

Dishwashersaurous · 20/12/2020 16:13

No one is saying that they should have got a gift.

Everyone is saying that they shouldn’t have to show gratitude for NOT getting a gift

saraclara · 20/12/2020 16:20

@Dishwashersaurous

No one is saying that they should have got a gift.

Everyone is saying that they shouldn’t have to show gratitude for NOT getting a gift

Exactly.
Cherrysoup · 20/12/2020 16:29

I would not want someone donating to a charity I might not necessarily support in my name. You gave them no choice. I’m not surprised they were a little peed off given the year we’ve had.

Leaannb · 20/12/2020 16:33

@Palavah

I think they're being massively ungrateful. I'm suprised you buy them each a £20-25 out of your own pocket.

I can understand why they feel as though this year, as much or more than any other, they would have preferred a gift, but they're being CFs.

I wouldn't bother buying them gifts again.

How are they being cfs for not being grateful for something they didn't receive? What is there to be grateful for? Op getting a tax write off?
midinthenight · 20/12/2020 16:59

I think enough pp have piled on. You have accepted YWBU and you won't make that mistake again. You meant well and you're already feeling bad. This year is crap enough, don't make yourself feel any worse. Have a Wineand try to forget about it.

If you can afford it later in the year maybe you could do some kind of mid-year treat for your employees.

JovialNickname · 20/12/2020 17:07

Don't say you feel like shit OP, yes you made the wrong choice but it was well intentioned! And your very worthy charity still got that money. There will be kids that have uniform now and struggling parents with much needed extra cash, and that weight off their mind, because of you. That's not nothing and does matter. You are obviously a kind person with a big heart.

If (and only if) you can afford it I would buy e vouchers as well, with some kind of message saying you wanted to thank them for their hard work personally. But if you can't, don't worry. They should know and understand you were trying to do something nice

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